DP doesn't want to marry me

[NC4THIS11]

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

I'll give it a go via text

If I don't get an adult response to that attempt I won't bother again, and I'll have to consider whether I'm prepared to stay in this relationship when I'm not fulfilled.

I don't think I will be.

Please tell him that he needs to have this conversation.

You are not being desperate.

There are two things here. Firstly, you are wanting the feeling of validation that he thinks you are 'wife material' and actively wants to marry you. You may not get that, he is not keen to get married, we don't know why, it may be nothing to do with you personally.

Secondly, you want the benefits of actually being married, especially if you might become a SAHM. If you choose to stay with him, acquiring these legal rights is worthwhile, even if you drag him to the altar.

And if you conclude that he won't ever marry you and you won't get either, then it is best that you know this now, rather than hope in vain. You can then make your choices accordingly.

I would insist that he talks about it and gives you a specific answer within a week with a firm plan to marry before the baby is born (quick registry office being OK), or admit that he doesn't want to marry. If he changes the subject, change it back, if he falls asleep, wake him up!

Having an adult discussion about an important issue is not at all desperate. I'm sorry to say that waiting patiently for years dropping hints is kinda desperate though, so please don't do this anymore!

Your DP sounds a lot like mine.

He'll do anything to avoid having a conversations about serious matters or matters that are important to me.

I use to have to text him a lot to discuss things. I've given up trying to talk to him now.

Hope the texting works, OP! x

I really wouldn't do this by text, however much you might feel you want to have your say now.

Look OP, that was really a half hearted attempt. You brought it up and hoped he would make the conversation easier by joining in. Everything you said in your posts indicated you would have to say more than “I’d like to talk about marriage” to get him involved in this.

Get the remote and turn off the tv. Shake him awake and stand/sit right in front of him. Say, “I want to talk with you about marriage. It is important to me because I love you, we have a family and are still expanding it and with DC2 on the way and decisions needing to be made about childcare, and their last name, as responsible parents we need to discuss this. I would like to be married before the baby is born, so we can discuss childcare or me going back to work full time. Can we discuss it now, or do you want time to think about it and we’ll do it on Monday night at 7pm?”

Then, either tonight or on Monday, here what he has to say. If he puts it off the you need to have your position/line in the sand clear. Perhaps something like:

“DP I’m disappointed that marriage doesn’t seem to be a priority for you, as you know it has always been important to me. I love you, and I want to show that to the world with us being a family. However this conversation show s you don’t feel the same way. Frankly, I am disappointed as I thought we were pulling together as a team, and I had been making decisions based on this. I now need to change course. So, I do not want to be in a family where I have a different surname to my DC. The new child will have my surname and I will get paperwork to change DC1’s over to mine. I’ll bring it home next week, and you’ll sign it, yes?
Secondly, I obviously must return to work after DC2, so we will be paying childcare costs, and we will need a cleaner. I’ll find the cleaner, you find the childcare provider. Can you give me some places we can both look at for next week?”

If he doesn't want to get married, that's his choice. But after 2 children together, he owes you the decency of his honesty about why.

That would upset me more than his not wanting to get married tbh.

Oh dear OP I’m sorry, it’s not a fun situation you’re in. I’m going to give you honest advice as I would a friend in the same situation and hope you’re not offended.

• You should watch the movie ‘he’s just not that into you’ it talks about the way women want to believe that their situation is Unique rather than accept that if a guy isn’t doing something (like asking you to marry him) it’s probably because he doesn’t want to do it!

It would totally piss me off that he’d proposed to two women previously but not you. You’re good enough to get pregnant but not good enough to marry? It would seriously irritate me inside.

The problem is, pre children was the time you should have locked this down and got the ring as now you’re in a vulnerable situation and the balls really in his court.

I had an ex who I ‘talked to’ about getting married. He did propose eventually but it felt empty as I knew he was just doing it because I’d asked him to. It fell very flat and I resented him for not wanting it enough to do it off his own back.

It’s very different with current DP, I set out my desire for marriage clearly early days but put no pressure on him to do it. DP knows that we won’t have children before we’re married and that I won’t stay with him indefinitely if we don’t move toward marriage. Around 1 year in he started being very vocal about wedding plans and I know he’s currently ring shopping. I’ve found this relationship much healthier as we’re totally on the same page and honest. No being vague or pretending we don’t want stuff we do.

Even if you could get up the courage to address it with him I’m doubtful you would get what you want at this stage in your relationship as it sounds like he should have really popped the question before now.

There’s a slight chance you’re the ‘unique’ relationship- he may surprise you in a few weeks with a proposal but I doubt it.

You deserve to know where you stand op, I wouldn't let it drop.

I wish someone had told me that eons ago @DianaT

Can I come at it from another side. I would hold off on your anger until you have had an actual full and frank discussion. This was not enough for you to know really where he stands.

There is the possibility that he could want to marry you, but like you, doesn't know what to say or the right way to go about it.

Tell him you don't care about the romantic proposal, you are interested in the marriage and your lives together and ask him, outright, if this is something he wants, and if so when.

If he then tells you no, then you know what to do.

And don't let him pretend to fall asleep. Have a real discussion.

Hmmm. I think you need to tell him that you’re hurt and frustrated that he brushed you off, this is important conversation that you need to have, and give him a suggestion of a time to discuss it properly, say if that doesn’t suit he can suggest another time but it has to be in the next 48 hours!

Thank you for all of your responses I appreciate them a lot! I'm sat seething at the moment so its good to have an unbiased and sensible group of people to give me direction.

I'm sure I've seen 'he's just not that into you' many years ago but the fact I can't remember the first thing about it means I definitely need to watch it again. And I will.

Would it be too passive aggressive of me to send a text saying "can I ask why you offered your hand in marriage to two other ladies but have never wanted to do the same with me?"

Its bothering me, I won't lie.

If he doesn't want to marry me that's OK and I wouldn't try and force his hand but like others have rightly pointed out, I deserve an explanation at the very least

Actually I think I'm going to ask that when he calls on his break - like he usually does.

He'll have to give a straight answer then and his first will likely be the real one. If I put it in a text he'll have time to think up some excuse.

The only way he can get out of that would be to hang up and he wouldn't be that rude

It's not about the other women. Stop comparing

I think it's very telling that this is how you brought it up (you felt you needed a 'way in' even though this is a really important issue to you and this is how he responded.

Do you want to be married to someone who is showing you that he is completely emotionally avoidant? He might have lots of reasons as you say but he cannot communicate. This will be your life. Stonewalling and passive aggressive texting.

It is about other women to an extent (the reason i'm so offended) but only very slightly in the grand scheme of things. Obviously security and commitment are first and foremost

But I do want to know why he'd pledge his life to other people but the seeming thought of doing the same with me fills him with dread

But he didn't marry them either. Had he ever set a date?

I honestly think I'd end the relationship. Get yourself organised with a plan. Ask him to leave. Do you have local support? Family/ Friends who might help you?

This protracted discussion that he isn't engaging in feels like another version of the pick me dance I saw mentioned on another thread today. .....Preserve your dignity.

None of this is a good start to marriage... when your kids are older and ask you about when you got engaged/married (if you do) what a shit memory and story. If he eventually agrees you will always wonder if he really wanted to do it.

I know I'm simplifying it but why on earth would you want to be married to this knob end?

What happens when you need to discuss something else important or need his support after dc2 arrives. Will he just pretend he didn't hear, say you never said it because it suits him?

It tough as single mum but doable, and your life will move on in ways that are likely very hard to see now.

Wait and meet someone who can't do enough for you and loves every bit of you. You deserve that.

Don’t send texts or mention other women. Say you want to be married in the next few months and what does how does he feel about it ? Then say if he doesn’t want the same from this then it’s best you part ways and focus on the kids.

I think you need to know his exact reasons for being against marriage otherwise you'll drive yourself mad.
He owes you that at the very least.

Is it he's scared it will end badly like his previous engagements and parents marriage?
Is it the commitment?
Is he scared of the cost?
Is he unsure of the relationship altogether?
Is marriage just a meaningless piece of paper to him?
Whatever it is you need to know and he needs to say.

All these things can be talked about and overcome. You can't force him to get married but equally he can't force you to live your life unmarried if it's something that means a lot to you.
You need to talk, openly and honestly, and come to some sort of compromise. You are right to be hurt and angry in the circumstances.

I would strongly suggest you readdress the balance here. Honestly, say what you want to him. If texting him ‘why did you propose to them but not me?’ Makes you feel better then do it. Will you regret it, maybe. Will if end well, who knows but honestly when you’ve reached the point in a relationship where you want to text your DP at work about why he won’t marry you....it’s unlikely to make the situation worse!

He sounds like he is in your relationship, but he is not anchored to it. Therefore if something better comes along he will be free to move on.

Act like a grown up OP. You don’t resolve important issues like this by text . You gave up far too easily earlier probably because you are reluctant to hear the truth. But you need to sit him down and calmly and clearly tell him what you want. But have a plan of action in case you don’t get what you want. And forget about the other engagements, they are irrelevant now.

don't text him anything. texting is for mundane things.

You know he doesn't want to get married. it seems like you only want to get married so everyone will know you've beaten the other two women. he's not really a prize catch though is he?
it does seem like you don't have any intention of leaving him though.
these are just my observations. I don't know what you should do. it's a shit situation.

Men love the chase. They like it when their mates believe they are punching (above their weight, as in 'pulling a bird out of their league').

When a man has found The One he is likely to put her on a pedestal, treat her like a queen and cannot wait to claim her as his own with a proposal.

If you are too available, as in there was no chase that means he has taken you for granted. If you are demanding he marries you then it takes away all the spark and it will be really offputting to him. He won't value you because you were not 'hard to get'.

If you want to turn the tables on him then do what the other poster has said: pretty much down tools and do NOTHING for him any more so that he stops taking you for granted.

Be unavailable, go to evening classes or take up a hobby even if you are pregnant. Do not cook for him or do his laundry.

Demand payment for childcare or any services he has taken you for granted. He has all the comfy benefits of marriage while leaving you and your dc extremely vulnerable and that is DESPICABLE and spineless behaviour.

Unless you become valuable in his eyes so that he wants to be seen with you and wants to announce to the world you are his darling wife to be rather than an annoying housekeeper/cleaner/doormat/shag/nag then nothing will change.

How to stop yourself being taken for granted and treated like a doormat? By becoming unavailable and stop offering your services for free is a starting point.

Good luck.