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Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me

547 replies

NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 21:50

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 20:09

When he left I sent a text saying

"I'd like you to stay at tomorrow and Sunday and we'll discuss what happens after that as I need some time alone. I will be looking into moving so don't worry you'll have your beloved freedom back soon"

He replied "I will, and I don't want nor need freedom"

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 20:09

That was supposed to say stay at brothers

OP posts:
HereIgoagainxx · 07/09/2018 20:12

You are being so strong. Im so sorry he let you down. Just know the way you feel now will pass and you will be happy, smile and laugh again.

You are an inspiration x

Ariclock · 07/09/2018 20:13

I'm sorry op, good luck with it all Flowers

hammeringinmyhead · 07/09/2018 20:15

"No, I would imagine you don't, because then you'd have to wash your own pants."

Butterymuffin · 07/09/2018 20:23

So many possible cutting replies - but I would opt for silence now. You've made your point. He doesn't get to keep a conversation going with you under the circumstances.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 20:25

I'm not gonna respond to his text, he can stew Smile

OP posts:
JellieEllie · 07/09/2018 20:30

My partner doesn't want to marry me.
He doesn't want to marry anyone at all.
He doesn't want any further children (I have a stepdaughter with him) and I agreed that I probably won't want a child as my stepdaughter is more than enough for me to love and cherish.
He has always stated this from day one that marriage isn't for him not for any other reason than it's just a piece of paper and he doesn't see what the fuss is about.
At first I felt like he would eventually change his mind and we would get married one day but he still stands by that he won't.
The longer we are together the more I accept this.
I genuinely don't need a piece of paper or a law to tell me how in love we are. I would happily be with him for the rest of my life just being his girlfriend.
I always wanted children and marriage it was one of the only things in life I wanted; my own family and husband.
Now though I realise I love him and his daughter like she was my own and I have come to accept our lives as they are.
My friends and family think that one day he will surprise me and propose. If he does he does and if he doesn't then nothing will change.

Trust me I never thought I would be with someone who didn't want the same things as me but when you truly love someone the details like that shouldn't really matter.

If it is really that important for you to get a ring on your finger then it would maybe be best to leave him and go your separate ways. You will never be truly happy with him even if he does marry you because he gave into your demands.

It must feel like such a crappy feeling but just keep your chin up and think about your future with your children more than anything else. ❤️

OliveBranchManager · 07/09/2018 20:33

@irunlikeahippo, sympathies for your DH's first partner but I agree with the MESSAGE, you were his ''one'' and she wasn't.

If men fear losing you they will marry you, in three months! Shock

FinallyHere · 07/09/2018 20:33

He's back to acting like the conversation never happened, again. This riles me beyond belief. An issue this big doesn't just go away because he chooses to not discuss it, and then prance about all smiles and "would you like a cup of tea love" whilst I'm still feeling down and deflated about the fact the man I've committed my life to doesn't want to be my husband.

But just ignoring your hints has worked for him up til now pretty well. I'm sorry you are in this situation but to be fair to him , he has not really been anything other than consistent. If you have woken up, better now than twenty years down the line when you have put your career on hold for him.

Get a job, split the cost and effort (puck ups drop offs etc) between you. Give your DC a really great role model. You have got this. All the best

OliveBranchManager · 07/09/2018 20:38

Time apart from these avoiders gives you perspective. Your mindset shifts from ''why am I not good enough for him'' to seeing all of his faults and knowing you deserve and want more.

FinallyHere · 07/09/2018 20:47

I asked why he was sad and he said because he feels like he's crushed my dreams and that I'll act differently toward him now

That's a yes from me.

which ensures he's obliged to financially support the DC? Or is it a CMS route

I would definitely hit the CNS route. Why trust him to stick to an agreement when you can have a legally enforceable obligation I think that was the mistake you made when hoping for eventual marriage

Starting to feel more angry than upset now, he's got a fucking nerve hasn't he.

Good, channel that energy for the good of your DC

Prettyvase · 07/09/2018 20:53

With all respect Jellie your situation is very different in that you are happy being a stepmum only and any assets your partner has will go to his daughter and not necessarily you.

The ball changes completely when your earning power is compromised by pregnancy/ childbirth and bringing up a child.

Your sense of vulnerability increases if you have nothing to fall back on if you and /or your DC have become dependents.

Most women would not sacrifice their ferlility and life for their partner and their partner's DC only.

But many women fall into just the trap you are talking about so glowingly and then find themselves homeless or childless when things go wrong.

Let's hope things don't one day sour for you.

QueenofmyPrinces · 07/09/2018 20:54

I’m sorrr to hear this OP - I would have been very upset if the man I saw my future with didn’t want to marry me, and I imagine the devastation of that realisation is even worse when you’ve given him children.

My sister was with a man who she wasn’t married to and had two children with him and she got completely screwed over when she ended the relationship, she and the children were left with nothing because she’d left herself in such a vulnerable position.

If he won’t marry you then you need to make a start on sorting out your own security by finding somewhere to live on your own and ensuring you have your own income. Do not let yourself be reliant on a man when he is not prepared to offer you the security that marriage brings.

I don’t know if you can find a way back from this but I’m glad that at least the truth is finally out and you can take steps to regain control of your own life Flowers

JellieEllie · 07/09/2018 20:58

@Prettyvase thank you. I totally respect your comment. I do hope that things wouldn't turn sour but completely agree that if they should, then I would only have myself to blame.
It is a risk I'm willing to take though! I do suppose not many women would be able to accept no children or marriage but I'm sure for some of them it really has turned out ok. So here's bloody hoping for me too 😂

Prettyvase · 07/09/2018 21:07

That's the thing Jellie: when you are the mum of a tiny baby who is totally dependent on you, the last thing you want to be doing is taking risks.

You just want to be in a safe, secure cocoon and be at total peace with yourself, and those around you.

Tara336 · 07/09/2018 21:14

You need to have a proper talk. It may be that he doesn’t realise how important it is to you? Weddings can be so hugely stressful, expensive and time consuming maybe he’s worried about that? Until you talk you will have no idea where the land lies. I hope it all works out for you 😊

irunlikeahipoo · 07/09/2018 21:17

OliveBranchManager
I totally agree 😂 as I said we met and married within 3 months
But here we are 20 years later still very very happy .
In my opinion. Men that want to marry get married and don’t fuck about because it’s what they want to do . They want to Male that other person happy and they want to be married to them .

Men that don’t want to get married tend to string it out until it’s a shit or get off the pot moment . Most of the, get off the pot and walk away leaving the shit behind for the ex DP to sort out .

Men aren’t stupid they know exactly what it means by getting married or not getting married some just prefer to have 99 percent of the benefit of being married with the actual legal contract . And a huge amount of woman go along with it still

I think even if the OPs DP proposed she would feel that she has bullied or forced him into one way or another so it wouldn’t feel right anyway

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 21:25

Yeah if he came back on Monday with a proposal I don't think I'd accept it. It would feel too insincere and the only thing worse than him not wanting to marry me would be him doing it just to shut me up. I'd resent him and he'd resent me, for sure.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 21:48

He wouldn't do it, anyway, he'd propose another engagement.

A good rule of thumb is to immediately dump anyone who says 'Marriage is just a piece of paper' if you want to be married. A piece of paper? So is a will, a university degree, a passport, a birth certificate. Can't believe people still fall for that load of bollocks. More fool them.

offtocornwall · 07/09/2018 21:48

JellieEllie I'm afraid you have missed the point. You have not sacrificed your earning power being pregnant or providing childcare for your child. Whilst he gets to earn the maximum and your wages diminished.

If anything marriage may not benefit you at all. Especially as he is probably the one having to compromise his earning capacity to bring up a child whilst yours is unaffected. Leaving you a higher earner.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 22:03

He's text again asking if I'm OK Hmm

OP posts:
Mycatiskillingme · 07/09/2018 22:06

I would not move in with my husband if we were not engaged and the reason for this is the sister of my best friend at school. She was a number of years older than us (10) and gorgeous, intelligent and a lovely person ( I wanted to be her at the time). She had been with her partner for 6 years and they had a baby. She really wanted to get married especially when she had her son (unplanned). She hinted and he made excuses or put it off until eventually he proposed (reluctantly). She was thrilled and believed he had only been scared of the big step of marriage and loved her . One week before the wedding he went for his stag do which was a quite surfing long weekend with his friends instead of a wild stag do abroad.

On the third day he phoned her and told her to call of the wedding he met a girl on the weekend fell in love and intended to marry her. He did marry her a girl he had only known for a few days three weeks later.

I have never forgotten this and because I wanted to get married I made sure i could end it early if there was doubt, because is a man reluctant to marry because he just doesn't want to marry or he doesn't want to marry you.

timeisnotaline · 07/09/2018 22:08

Reply. ‘You know I’m not ok, I feel lied to and I’m not in the relationship I thought I was’ people ask these stupid questions hoping to feel better about how shit they are. Don’t pander to it. Grown ups have feelings and express them.

MeteorGarden · 07/09/2018 22:14

OP stop hitting him over the head with it and just firmly cut contact. Ask him to leave the family home and make arrangements. Scare him a bit. I’d bet my life that you explaining over and over how you feel and why will just switch him off.

If he cared that much he would have married you by now. Everything he’s doing now is just spineless lip service,

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