DP doesn't want to marry me

[NC4THIS11]

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

I'm so sorry, I missed your update when I skim read the thread.

I'm glad your spoken up to him & I'm glad you now know what he's about. He's a dick for sure & you all deserve better. He's also a bloody idiot.

Using his DMs divorces & the pain they caused as an excuse...pulleeeeze So he would rather destroy your family instead & end up hurt & on his own for not getting married instead, really what a bloody fool. He seriously needs to grow up 🤬

I'm with those kicking him out, he needs to know what he has to lose & he's not going to feel that whilst he can stick his head in the sand & pretend you are still playing happy families.

I'd also be packing up a weekends worth of stuff for yourself & DC & take yourself off to somewhere nice for a few days, no explanation or even let him know where you've gone, Just up & disappear, ignore his calls etc. Clear your head & make him feel it hard.

That may, or may not be the kick up the arse he needs to sort himself out & give you what he led you to believe would happen one day. An old male friend of mine was the same as this, live with his girlfriend for years, but the same sort of commitmentphobe. She kicked him out, he felt sorry for himself for a few weeks, people around him had little sympathy & saw it as his own doing... They've now been married for 10 years & despite his fear of marriage. It's the happiest I've ever known him. He's a bit on the spectrum too. Weird creatures at times men.

It could go either way, but you & your DCs need more respect than what he is giving you. If he won't, in time someone else will treat you way better & in the mean time that person can be you.

If he does come back after you, don't accept the engagement ring, tell him it's marriage or nothing, you won't allow him to string you along any more.

Good luck x

He can't love me really can he? To know how much it meant to me and be dead against it. I'm waking up a bit now and not buying into the notion that its just not his thing. Its clear that he doesn't see a future with me otherwise he'd jump at the chance, especially as I said id be happy with a quick registry office marriage.

Its bloody sickening how blind somebody, namely me, can be when in love. Its taken 4 years, one child and a pregnancy to realise he's a selfish bastard.

He could go to his brothers if I asked him to, I think I might.

I'd ask him to leave.

He may or may not go, but at least you've made your feelings clear. There's no coming back from this and he needs to realise his life will change.

I'd ask him to leave. There's a good chance he's not taking you seriously and probably thinks of he acts like nothing's happened it will all blow over. He needs a reality check.

He can't love me really can he?

He can, but his irrational, immature fear of commitment might be bigger that his love for you. Or he might not love you enough. Unfortunately there's no easy answer & asking him to go shows him what he has to loose.

I've another friend who was like this too, strangely, I also suspect he's on the spectrum, he didn't go after the woman he lived with when she kicked him out for lack of commitment. He was much younger then, but some 25 years later he still pines for his ex & regrets what he did. He is married now, but she's manipulative & he's very unhappy with her & reality is he still lives his ex & was deeply upset when he tried to reconnect through Facebook & she ignored him

probably thinks of he acts like nothing's happened it will all blow over

Yes, he may well be thinking that if he just hangs around looking sad for a while you'll give up and let things go back to normal. You will need to make it clear, whether or not he stays under the same roof, that this is a bigger deal than that. And that he doesn't get to be the sad one, he's brought this on himself!

I'm sorry, iv read this thread and I am going to stick my neck out here! I never wanted to marry but my Exh did, I loved him dearly but my relationship wasn't broken so I felt no reason to change that, I had the very same conversations you two have had and I got the whole "You can't possibly love me if you can't marry me" speech, I gave in, had a lovely wedding within days I felt nothing but resentment as id ended up feeling so manipulated into something I didn't want, 10 months later, it was dead, tried hard for a few years more but now divorced.. can you honestly take that risk? The divorce was horrific and I beat myself every day about why the fuck did I do it. We burst our relationship needlessly and you parter is very right when he says marriage changes people, sometimes for the worse

I'm in a similar boat op so I've not got any advice I'm afraid. Mine did propose - 3 years ago. I felt like it was just to shut me up though. I gave him back his ring a few months ago as it became clear that the 'engagement' wasn't going to lead anywhere.

I was constantly embarrassed as people were asking when the wedding is etc. I used to say we'd not got round to it but i got sick of it. The real answer is that he's just not arsed about marriage.

I'm 40... too old for a boyfriend. I feel embarrassed by that too.

I also feel that I'm not good enough - why doesn't he want to marry me? Why are other women marriage material in their husband's eyes?

It's the one thing that will break us up. I know it is. Sorry you're feeling down op x

I think it's a different story when it's the woman who is the one who feels like that though as there aren't the same issues of vulnerability in society due to biology (giving birth) societal expectations (staying at home for a while at least) gender inequality (women earning less). It's comparing apples with oranges.

OP please be brave enough to tell him this isn't enough for you. You may find that if you go no contact for a few weeks he'll miss you and have a re-think. But if not, you won't be wasting your one and only life on a man who thinks he can do better.

Ask him to leave and use your time to get yourself prepared for your new life when the baby comes. You have your Mum and your friends and he will pretty soon be realising what he's lost.

''I also feel that I'm not good enough - why doesn't he want to marry me? Why are other women marriage material in their husband's eyes? ''

I dated a man and I was more serious about him than he was about me, even though he was very affectionate and respectful, it just wasn't a situation that he considered long term. i have a good self-esteem but it did begin to erode my self-esteem. When I heard my own inner voice asking ''why am i not good enough? (to be his girlfriend'' I ended it. I cannot afford to have my self-esteem eroded like that. I am better off without a man and have recovered emotionally practically and financially since I left the abusive x and also the happy go lucky wouldn't commit to me man too.

It's a cliche but you really are better off on your while IF YOU KNOW how to focus on yourself for a while.

Butterymuffin has the right approach. Own your feelings. Yes you're disappointed. Yes things will be different now. No things are not fine. I think @butterymuffin is absolutely right when she advises you not to make it up to him for being fake sad. He's not sad. He's busted. You have a right to a reaction to this outcome. Do not suppress your reaction to this discussion. I'm not suggesting silent treatment btw. But just your reaction.

Why would you want to marry someone who can't communicate properly? You keep going on about being good enough to be his wife..well, do you really want him as a husband? Why? You are obviously someone who values communication and he isn't. He's not husband material for you.

My DH did the same sort off
He didn’t marry his first partner together for 10 years; two kids house mortgage. said it was just a piece of paper blah blah .She wanted to get married; he didn’t

When they split we met about a six months later
we met and got married within 3 months and have just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary

Some guys don’t want to get married but when they meet someone that they do want to marry they tend not to fuck about with It with long engagements and blowing them off with excuses .

I’ve seen this happen several times , split with a long term partner because they don’t want to get married but then get married within months to the next one

Id ask him to go to his brother's for the weekend. If he balks, I'd go somewhere else with my child myself. It's sad how many women sleepwalk into this. The second I found out he was paying less than required for his child any love or passion for him would have died because that, to me, is indicative of a total twat (actually, when I was single and childfree, I wouldn't touch a man who had kids at all).

Don't sell yourself short here. He's not good enough to marry you, anyhow. And go CMS all the way. Turn down any agreements he tries to make informally with you. 'No, I think it all needs to be kept official.'

Some guys don’t want to get married but when they meet someone that they do want to marry they tend not to fuck about with It with long engagements and blowing them off with excuses .

I agree. In my experience, men will actively pursue things that they want (and if they don't, they probably aren't going to make very good partners).

I am sorry for all this, OP. Of course we're all wise after the event when looking at someone else's life but it is not that simple and rational when you're actually in it.

Ugh, I thought he might not be paying full child support. He's just a very selfish man, OP.

I really think it would be a good idea to get him to live somewhere else, at least for a few days. You could do with some space from him.

He's barely said a full sentence to me since he got up for work, he's skulking around like a child that has been told off. All doom and gloom. Wtf? Anybody would have thought it was him who had been let down and hurt.

Yes I've decided I agree he can take his miserable self to his brothers after work tomorrow, its bad enough he's effectively condemned our future but he has the cheek to act wounded on top of it.

I've been perfectly civil given the circumstances I don't know what the fuck his morbid demeanor is about

Just asked him what his problem was as he was leaving for work and he said "I just feel horrible"

I said I would as well if I were you.

Let him stew OP, maybe it's finally dawning on him what he stands to lose.

'I feel horrible too, and it could all have been avoided but you didn't want that' is what I would really want to say. What a precious idiot he is playing the wounded soldier. It's self inflicted.

Well, he's been challenged and now his deceit has been exposed and he doesn't like that things are not going exactly as he wants anymore. Hence the sulking.
Is it possible for you to return to full time work until mat leave to get as much money behind you as possible? Sadly I think you have to start planning and living as a single parent from this point on.

Yeah, ask him to leave and get financial advice in case he walks.