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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me

547 replies

NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 21:50

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 15:17

I'll definitely learn from this, I have no choice but to.

The children are my priority, bollocks to him

OP posts:
Anastassiabeaverhausen · 07/09/2018 15:36

Op from the way you've described him and how he treats you, I think in the long run he's doing you a massive favour. He's not bored - he's boring. Even if you did marry him you'd be dissatisfied and fed up. Now you have the chance to raise your lovely children and meet someone who notices your existence! (And is desperate to marry you!)

MadamBatty · 07/09/2018 15:36

Good woman OP, he’s a big baby

NameChange30 · 07/09/2018 15:42

You seem to be focusing on marriage as a means to protect the children and that’s not quite the case. By law, parents have to support their children whether they are/were married to each other or not. The primary point of marriage is to protect each other legally and financially. This is of course beneficial to the children, as it’s not in their interests for one parent to be left badly off after divorce or the death of the other parent. If you care about your children, you should also want their other parent to have some security whether you are in a relationship with them or not.

LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 15:48

I'd just go the CMS so he's compelled to pay. He doesn't pay what he should on his first child so I'd expect him to try to wheedle out of paying for these next two.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 15:53

He is boring that's right. I've always enjoyed outdoor activities, trips to places, walks around the park, museums, the cinema, going to the gym together, meals and drinks out. Its him who has stopped bothering, I'd still love to do those things (bar the drinks obviously). All he ever wants to do when he's off work is watch TV or play some silly game on the PC.

I'm better off on my own it seems, one less person to clean up after and cook for.

I did see one of the plus points to marriage as being security for the children but for the most part it was about love and commitment to me, completing our family. I've always wanted marriage and he knew that. I've ended up talking about the financial aspect more as his disinterest in marrying me for love became more apparent, it feels as though I don't lose face as much if I tell myself and him that I was thinking of the children and not my self.

Truth be told it was almost all about love for me, being a family.

Of course when I admit that to myself I feel even more mugged off.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 15:54

@LeftRightCentre I wouldn't be at all surprised. I said whether we split now or in the future I'll be going to CMS to make sure the children are taken care of

OP posts:
LusaCole · 07/09/2018 15:56

So sad for you OP Sad

LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 15:58

I can't believe he doesn't pay as much as he can for his first child. What a twat.

Nettletheelf · 07/09/2018 16:00

Is this man really gorgeous and charming? Is he irresistible? If not, I can’t see how (1) he got a succession of women to move in with him and bear his children with no commitment and (2) he has such self confidence - actually, arrogance - as to believe that he can go on doing the same thing forever and still have women keen to be with him.

He’s trotted our every crap argument against marriage, hasn’t he? You could tick them off a list:

My own parents got divorced so I’m opposed to marriage (yawn. Get over it. Every strung along woman I know was fed this line, only to see the reluctant boyfriend marry the next woman in no time flat).

It’s just a piece of paper (if so, you won’t mind being married, will you? If it’s as insignificant as you say)

It’s a load of fuss (it’s not)

Aren’t we happy as we are? (No, the OP isn’t)

His piece de resistance is...I can’t get married, I’m autistic!

I’m sorry for your troubles, OP. Don’t make excuses for him or thank him for being a thoughtless, cynical arse (which is what ‘thank you for your honesty’ comes down to).

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 16:03

"His piece de resistance is...I can’t get married, I’m autistic!"

That has really tickled me, in the queue in boots chuckling to myself Grin

OP posts:
bethy15 · 07/09/2018 16:06

Our children being secure clearly means fuck all to him.

Well yes, but you knew this if you knew he was underpaying for his other two children.

Why would you expect him to treat your children any different.

It's like these women who have a new husband and want him to abandon his previous children, but don't realise any man who would do that will do it again to her children.

You knew he didn't pay her enough, so he has little regard as to giving her children what they deserve. Your children will be no different to him.

Prettyvase · 07/09/2018 16:10

How awful that he's been shagging you but not being in love with you enough to want to commit to you.

Very one sided and a dysfunctional relationship. You:give give give. He: take take take.

Then he ignores you after throwing a grenade and acts as if nothing hs happened?

Honestly, that is enough to drive a sane person insane.

Luckily, your dc are young/unborn so you can dust yourself off, find YOU again, do all those things you love to do and ditch this sociopathic and self absorbed waste of space.

Here's to your new life free from such a boring blood sucking leach of a man Wine

And befriend the exes and do some digging and charge £75 an hour for babysitting and housework.

Calculate how much you have lost in back wages from looking after the children and bill him.

Have fun op. And never doubt your self worth ever again!!

Butterymuffin · 07/09/2018 16:13

I can’t see how (1) he got a succession of women to move in with him and bear his children

That would be the social conditioning mentioned by pps where women are expected to be grateful to any man rescuing them from the horror of being (gasp) single.

LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 16:20

Exactly, bethy.

RockinHippy · 07/09/2018 16:21

I'm with the others, just tell him what you expect & why & give him a time frame.

I'm nervous to "put it on his toes" in case it pushes him away, if you know what I mean?

In answer to this... sweetheart, this is your life & the security of you & your DCs at stake here. If he doesn't value enough to understand that you all need that security, then he doesn't deserve any of you. You need to toughen up, pussyfooting around will get you nowhere & if he says no, at least you will know where to stand & you can plan to move on. You all deserve better

SherlockStones · 07/09/2018 16:21

Prettyvase

I don't get the notion of him taking via the means of sex, is it just men that enjoy sex? Surely the OP was getting something from intercourse also. Additionally having kids is in itself a commitment, both parties share blame here. Although I understand how upset the OP is judging from the OP's posts she has not been hoodwinked at all.

EvaHarknessRose · 07/09/2018 16:22

Oh this sucks. Can you insist he goes to his Mum’s or a mates for a few nights/days, taking shifts looking after dd. You need some space and he needs some sense talking into him to at least have the decency to acknowledge your emotions.

RockinHippy · 07/09/2018 16:31

I can't shake the "not wife material" feeling

I think that is your question to him right there ^ ^

"DP why am I not wife material to you, when I'm good enough to be the mother of your kids & plan a future together, It makes me feel neither secure or appreciated "

Good luck Op

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 16:43

I'm going to stay out of his way over the next few days, with his shift pattern being on nights at the moment its entirely doable. I'll be able to get some headspace without having to go off anywhere. Me and DD are going out for tea tonight he can fend for himself

OP posts:
MsJolly · 07/09/2018 16:44

So sorry Op-it clearly is over for you both-he may panic and propose-don't accept an engagement as it will never lead to marriage

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 16:44

Starting to feel more angry than upset now, he's got a fucking nerve hasn't he.

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 07/09/2018 16:59

Can you ask him to stay somewhere else for a week or so, just to give you both some breathing space away from each other?

timeisnotaline · 07/09/2018 17:06

You are being so nice. Someone you have looked after, taken care of his children, sacrificed career and earnings to do so , and you’ve just found out he’s a self centred cowardly truly nasty dick who doesn’t really care about you and has proposed twice without intending to marry the women. You should be angry and you should not be promising you won’t be sad or give him the silent treatment or feeling one bit bad if he’s sad. He caused this- he never had to marry you but he has basically lied to you. From what you say it sounds like you’d never have had children with him if he’d been honest. You’d have found a genuinely nice guy. I’m all for karma and if he feels like shit about it it’s because he deserves to.

MeteorGarden · 07/09/2018 17:09

OP if he knew you felt this way and he really loved you he’d have agreed without second thought.

I strongly feel, having read this entire thread, that you need to cut him off and kick him out! Nothing will change if you carry on like this. No matter how upset he seems - don’t forget this whole is his doing!!

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