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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me

547 replies

NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 21:50

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 13:21

I'd go and stay somewhere else for a few days and assume I'm a single parent from now on (personally I'd terminate the pregnancy if not too far along but realise this is an abhorrent suggestion on MN). He won't marry you and really, would you want to marry someone so selfish? I mean, he's already got 2 kids and he's acting like this? Wouldn't buy getting engaged, either. He doesn't want to get married.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 13:26

Can't go and stay with DM unfortunately

I'd love to bugger off for one or two days on my own but can't leave DD with him because of his shift pattern.

Id love to hear his exes side of the story but we don't get along and never have. I've tried to be civil for years but she took an instant disliking to me when we met

OP posts:
Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 13:28

My eyes have been opened a lot

I thought it was just me he didn't want to marry but its now clear he's just a nasty git who lead the ex a merry dance with no intention to marry her either.

OP posts:
bethy15 · 07/09/2018 13:29

I was in agreement with others here who said it's not worth throwing away the relationship over this, until...

Its clear he'd rather split and pay maintenance than marry me.

If he really he feels he would rather split up with you then just give you a commitment, perhaps the relationship is just too broken.
Surely he loves you too much to lose you? If not, then maybe it's over.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 13:30

I think its over Bethy,

I really do Sad

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 07/09/2018 13:33

I asked why he was sad and he said because he feels like he's crushed my dreams and that I'll act differently toward him now.

I'd be straight and say yes, you have, and yes, I will. And that I was hugely disappointed that he'd turned out to have misrepresented himself as someone who wanted to commit to me and who saw my outlook on life as important. And that it was deeply ironic that he saw marriage as changing things from being 'fine' because by refusing to get married, everything will now change and will not be 'fine' again. Don't feel you have to play nice because he's 'sad'. He could fix all that by apologising and booking the register office.

I still think he is banking on you giving in and accepting this. Preparing yourself to split and taking that absolutely seriously is the best way of making him realise that this really is a deal breaker for you and that he can't just string you along.

springydaff · 07/09/2018 13:35

He's not stupid op, when he retreats to his man cave he knows exactly what you want and it's his way of shutting you up.

Yes. Like the snoozing and referring to eastenders when you first brought this up.

I know it's the favourite moniker at the moment but it looks like he's gaslighting you. Pretending convos haven't happened etc.

I do think this is fraught bcs from here I see you are bending over backwards to be fair - whereas he simply isn't and has no intention of being fair.

The whole issue seems to be entangled with romance and your sexual identify ie you want him to want you and you see marriage as confirmation of your sexual identity ie desirability. I think he does want you and you are ultimately desirable to him EXCEPT his wishes are paramount : he doesn't want to marry anyone, ever, and that's that. He doesn't care that this means you and the kids are left out to dry.

You leave you out of your discussions probably bcs you're so sensitive to rejection. You're adding 2+2 and getting 5 when you do that - it isn't about him rejecting you, it's about him being selfish.

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2018 13:36

I'm sorry you didn't get the outcome you wanted op
Do you have any real life support you can reach out to as well? Cake

mummmy2017 · 07/09/2018 13:41

Ask him to talk to his mates who are married.
Say you would like to give it a month, then talk again.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2018 13:42

Can you go to your mum's with your DD? Like a pp said...assume you're a single parent.

He did string the others along. That's horrible.

LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 13:45

What Buttery said, with bells on. And I'd go away for a couple of days.

Sakura7 · 07/09/2018 13:47

Why do so many men think stringing women along is acceptable, especially the mother of their children? It's appalling behaviour.

Stay strong OP, you will be much better off on your own than staying with someone who refuses to marry you and having that chip away at your self esteem. And it frees you up to meet a decent man some day who will value you. But for now just concentrate on yourself and your little ones.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 13:47

I don't see why he's adamant to remain uncommitted, he's no longer a spring chicken and most people his age have families and are married by now.

Perhaps he sees himself as keeping his options open just in case something better than me and the ex comes along.

This is pure speculation but if I think I'd have proposed early on when everything was all new and exciting he'd probably have considered it. Things have slowed down now, we no longer go on dates and he doesn't put any effort into the relationship. He did at first. I still do but not him. For him Its just work, kids, his hobby and sleep. I'm just a convenient body at home to do the housework and go to bed with him when the urge arises.

I should have looked at those factors before getting my hopes up about marriage. Why would he want to go to the effort of marrying me when he can't even be arsed to take me out to dinner once a month, of course he won't marry me. He's bored shitless.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 13:47

And I'd stop with the thanking him for being honest and apologising and telling him you're just sad not angry or getting him to examine why he hates marriage and all that other bullshit. Fuck tiptoeing round him. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. He's made that patently clear.

Viewoffriday · 07/09/2018 13:51

Oh, OP. This is bloody awful.

I cannot believe he would rather live away from your kids and you than get married. It makes no sense. He values your family so little that he'd rather stick to a notion, or prejudice, he has about marriage. What a massive prick. Hope he enjoys playing his computer games and missing out on his children. Dick. I cannot convey my contempt for this sort of man enough.

bethy15 · 07/09/2018 13:54

Well, if you think it's over, it probably is now.

I don't really understand what he's saying. So with his ex, he never wanted to marry her, even when he was impregnating her? He was making children with a woman he didn't want to be with.

He doesn't seem like the best catch in all honesty.

LeftRightCentre · 07/09/2018 13:55

*I'm just a convenient body at home to do the housework and go to bed with him when the urge arises.

I should have looked at those factors before getting my hopes up about marriage. Why would he want to go to the effort of marrying me when he can't even be arsed to take me out to dinner once a month, of course he won't marry me. He's bored shitless.*

But you still went ahead and brought another child into this? He's always going to put himself first. So you'll have to decide if this is enough for you. As for him keeping his options open, well, that's his lookout. That could happen even if married. And truthfully, a guy with 3 kids by 2 different mothers in his 40s who's never been married, is shit at home and indulges his hobby over family life isn't going to be a catch for anyone.

troodiedoo · 07/09/2018 14:14

he sounds like one of those men that only takes advice from his dimwit friends and won't listen to anything else.

good luck with whatever you decide to do Flowers

SandyY2K · 07/09/2018 14:15

Ask him to talk to his mates who are married.
Say you would like to give it a month, then talk again.

I disagree with this. You can't be begging someone and trying to persuade them.

A man wants marriage or not. This man doesn't.

You can't be flogging a dead horse.

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 14:24

Is there something that can be signed in the eventuality of a split which ensures he's obliged to financially support the DC? Or is it a CMS route

His ex receives less than she's entitled to (no I do not agree with that) but it is a mutual agreement they reached together, she is satisfied with what she gets and it is the amount she requested.. However, personally I feel she's entitled to more and I'm sure CMS would say the same. If I was her I'd want more.

Given how clear I was about how a marriage would mean me and the DC were financially safe, its done nothing by way of changing his mind. Our children being secure clearly means fuck all to him.

OP posts:
MadamBatty · 07/09/2018 14:25

When he says people ‘change’ when they get married he means you’ll expect more of me than no dates & a quick shag when he’s in the mood. He’d have to up his game.

Why should he do that when he has everything the way he wants it now?

He’s sad, are you meant to fill sorry for him because he’s being a prick?

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 14:30

@MadamBatty haha apparently so! Grin

OP posts:
Ariclock · 07/09/2018 14:51

I would ask him when he's moving out just to make your feelings abundantly clear. He needs to know that he can't have it all his own way anymore Flowers

Original poster
NC4THIS11 · 07/09/2018 15:06

The thought of raising a baby alone with my DD to look after frightens the hell out of me, what a mess Sad

This will be one life lesson I'll never forget. Its all my own stupid fault for believing he'd marry me in the first place

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 07/09/2018 15:10

Don't be too hard on yourself OP, it's not difficult to end up falling into that situation. It happens to women every day of the week unfortunately. We all learn from experience.

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