DP doesn't want to marry me

[NC4THIS11]

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

Sooo he basically admitted that he was stringing along the previous fiancées, with no intention of actually marrying them. (And the splits obviously didn't teach him anything). This is what he does, say and do enough to keep someone hanging and when it comes to the crunch, he's out. He definitely never deserved that pedestal you had him on.

Does he pay child support for his other dc? Does he have a will and life insurance?

If you're staying, at least you know to go back to full-time asap, and to ring-fence your own finances. Definitely withdraw the wifework you do and make him step up.

I get What you are saying.
Marriage and children was a what I wanted. Dh didn't want either as he had no good examples - his parents had 5 marriages between them.
We talked about this a before we did anything and even split up briefly.

I think you need to take some to decide what you want and why you want marriage. If your dp can't meet these needs in another way if he's so dead against marriage, I think you'll have to consider your options. It will knaw away at you otherwise.

Look at it this way op - he could have put a ring on your finger, and then strung you along for 10, 15, more years.

You know this is not going anywhere.

I won't propose to him because he's made it clear his answer would be no as he doesn't want to get married.

If I received a different outcome from our discussions I would have happily proposed, I've been close a handful of times but wanted to wait until I knew for sure what his position on marriage was. I'm glad I did. I already feel humiliated.

Definitely agree with the point made that he's either bullshitting about not wanting to marry the others, or was being cruel and deliberately wasting their time. He basically said he only proposed to his DC mother because her mother and she kept hassling him about it, and even then he didn't propose properly so apparently she wasn't satisfied with the proposal.

I don't want bells and whistles I just wanted a fucking piece of paper

I too am not buying into his autism being the reason he won't communicate about marriage.

He's back to acting like the conversation never happened, again. This riles me beyond belief. An issue this big doesn't just go away because he chooses to not discuss it, and then prance about all smiles and "would you like a cup of tea love" whilst I'm still feeling down and deflated about the fact the man I've committed my life to doesn't want to be my husband. Then he retreats to his man cave to answer emails, play his silly computer game or whatever else he does to occupy his mind and not have to deal with my miserable face

I'm so angry. Not because he doesn't want to marry me (I'm sad about that) but angry at how dismissive he is of my feelings. I made it crystal clear that I was hurt and felt rejected. Not so much as a condescending "I'm truly sorry I've upset you but.." From him, which I'd be grateful for if nothing else.

He does pay maintenance for his other DC but its an arrangement between him and their mum it hasn't been through the CM channels

If he proposed not I highly doubt I'd accept, given his admittance about stringing the last one along just to keep her quiet.

Proposed NOW* I mean

I'm sorry. This would be a deal-breaker for me - not just the lack of marriage but the shrug your concerns were met with. Of course his mum got maintenance, it would have been sorted IN A DIVORCE. Idiot man.

It's like... If you had been the type of woman who was annoyed by the maintenance paid to his ex, he could have just gone back on the agreement as it's unofficial. I can't believe he never even thought about any of this.

Do you think he would want to do such an informal arrangement with you like he has done previously?. How long will he be willing to keep up such an informal arrangement and what happens if he decides to pull the plug on any money he sends?.

I would now seriously consider making a maintenance claim with the CMS for your children.

I agree that ostriching every time there is a huge issue to deal with is almost as bad as the lack of commitment itself.

It's starting to become more clear now why the other two fiancés cleared off!

😞 Op, what a mess!

I don’t usually comment so much on a thread but I so feel this for you.

I’m reading ALOT of ‘remove the wife work’, , ‘separate finances’, ‘go back to work full time’, ‘get a cleaner and put the kids in childcare’, ‘His easy life is over!’

This kind of talk may make you feel very GIRL POWER but it’s so flawed it’s insanely bad advice/ way of dealing with this.

A) You’re currently pregnant so returning to work full time and building an awesome independent career to show your partner he’s wrong is a long term plan not an immediate one. It’s a good way of postponing acting now by focusing on the future. You’ll soon be at home with a new baby and all this resentment will fester.

B) Is it even what you really want? If you have a burning desire to change everything about your current life to be more independent and basically be two single people living together then fine do it but if you’re doing it to prove something or punish you DP it’s going to end in you not living the life you want and him not really caring. It sounds to me like what you actually want Is your current life but with a marriage on the horizon! In which case you will LITERALLY only punish yourself by doing this. You’d be far better off being independent alone.

C) (and this is going to be harsh I’m sorry but it’s meant with empathy)

OP, if he doesn’t want to marry you and as you say ‘would rather split and pay maintenance’ what the hell makes you think he’s going to stick around whilst you inact this plan to make his life severely less pleasant?

You’ve concluded already that his easy ride is a huge part of why he’s here as he clearly doesn’t want to commit! So rather than leaving him ‘with your dignity in tact’ you’re going to make both your lives harder and less enjoyable to punish him for not wanting to marry you...until he inevitably leaves you...which by the sounds of this guy won’t take long!

So I’m struggling to see any benefit whatsoever of ‘staying together’ but ‘changing your dynamic’ I’ve been in this situation and it doesn’t work.

What WILL likely happen is that you’ll make small changes that make you unhappier, he won’t care, you’ll be more upset and let down that you’re not getting the emotional response you’re trying to provoke. So you’ll change bigger things, it’s will get harder for both of you and he’ll dump you!

All I see if you follow this path is you feeling like he doesn’t care, doesn’t appreciate you and doesn’t want what you want.

We spoke a little more, at my insistence

I thanked him for being honest about what he is and isn't prepared to offer me in this relationship but reiterated that it has changed things in the way I see a future with him. I reminded him that he knew what I wanted and should have been honest with me a lot sooner. I said I felt as though my time had been wasted, reiterated I'm not angry just sad.

I said it was cruel of him to string his ex along (if that's what he did) and he said he knows it is but felt pressured into it. "Its not right to pressurise somebody into marriage" he said, to which I replied of course its not and that's why you needed to be upfront and honest like you have here, albeit 4 years and two DC too late.

He went on to say he saw his mums two marriages end in tears and it all seemed like a big fuss over nothing for a piece of paper. Money, inconvenience, divorce.

We went over the security part again where I pointed out its more than just a piece of paper its a security blanket for the children.

He doesn't really take that in, or doesn't care. Idk which.

He's visibly upset now as the realisation of this being a deal breaker sinks in. I really can't fathom why he'd rather watch us drift apart than marry, but it is what it is and any proposal now would feel so empty and forced it wouldn't be worth getting. Anybody would have thought he had a terrible experience that has scared him off marriage, he says that's not the case its just how he feels.

I have two options now, stay until the babies born and be bitter or leave now, be alone for some time then meet somebody later on who wants the same things as myself. Neither option is particularly appealing whilst pregnant. If only I could have brought myself to have this conversation earlier.

*@elmo1980**

Yes you put it much better than me but that's what I think too!

OP can you go and stay with your DM for a few days? So you talk with her and also so your are free from the continual resentment you feel with his immature and frankly insulting attitude. He has not addressed that you are upset. He has not acknowledged you are upset.

You need to think of the baby. You need to think of your wellbeing. Leave your child with him as he is the father.

Don't hide your emotional distress. Tell him how you feel and that you need some time with someone who loves you.

I'm sorry all this has come about now. It is indeed a harsh lesson to be blunt and open about aspirations but many / a lot of us have difficulty doing this.

Oh bless you OP. At least you are having these conversations now.

I don't know what to say other than let it sink in a little as you say. So sorry for you.

Sorry didn't see your update OP. But perhaps still go and stay with your mum?

OP, I know things look bleak and desperate but I'd let things settle a bit now after your serious and honest chat. I don't think any proposal would be shit and forced necessarily. I think it'd come from a different place from a chocolate box and Hallmark cards world but it could mean he had thought through the implications seriously and realised what marriage really means for you both. And indeed what he'd be losing by not marrying. I think only you can tell this if and when the time comes but don't cut off your nose to spite your face and you do need to accept that this proposal may not come. I really feel for you - it's an awful place to be in right now and I'm not promising it'll all be fine, just saying it might still be worth giving it a bit of time if that's what you really want.

How far along are you in your pregnancy? It's controversial but if it was still early days I'd be tempted to have an abortion. It's very sinister to me that you had an accident, he insisted on keeping the baby, and refuses to marry you.

Don't make any rush decisions take a few days to calm down and sleep on it. He needs to do the same too.

Whatever happens you will be Ok, use your support network and if it helps to get some space stay with your mum for a bit but don't panic and think your life is over. Ok things might not be heading the way you planned them but we can't control everything in life.

And please don't beat yourself up about not dealing with this sooner, hindsight is a bugger!

He said just because he was engaged before doesn't mean he wanted to take it any further and engagement doesn't automatically mean marriage

This is what I said
Engagement means sweet f** all if there's no intent to marry.

A colleague just mentioned her brother is getting engaged after 20 years with his GF... but won't be getting married for another couple of years.... because its too soon.
Bloody nonsense.

It didn't progress to marriage and after talking with him that's clearly because he didn't want to go through with it

I told you. It's not you. Its him

He was stringing them along. I bet him Ex cottoned onto this and resented him...hence the cheating.

It's good that your mum is supportive.

Ultimately don't settle if you'd be resentful.

He doesn't want to acknowledge your deeply hurt feelings because he wants the status quo to continue!

He's not stupid op, when he retreats to his man cave he knows exactly what you want and it's his way of shutting you up.

He wants things to carry on: you get to wash his pants, clean his home, look after his dc, service all his demands in bed and out of it for a pat on the head and not even a meal out, by the sound of it!

Don't believe a word he says if he suddenly comes up with a ring idea for you. You know now it's just to shut you up for a bit longer, enough to get you back to cooking his dinner and washing his pants if you've already stopped!

He's cruel and calculating and he's been there got the T shirt at least twice before.

I would ask these other women what really happened if you can stomach it.

His disrespect and lack of love or concern for you especially now you are pregnant with his child (most normal men would be bending over backwards to make sure you are happy and well looked after) would mean I would not be staying with him a minute longer if I could help it!

Could you move in with your mum or kick him out op?

I have two options now, stay until the babies born and be bitter or leave now, be alone for some time then meet somebody later on who wants the same

No need to stay and be bitter. That's not healthy for you and the baby.

It depends on how far along you are.... but if I were staying for now. I'd be treating him like a flatmate.

I'd be leaving him to look after DD when he gets off work.

Just go out and spend time away...

I've got everything out of my system and feel better for it, no less sad but at least I'm not bottling up what I'm feeling.

The conversation continued a bit after my last post. I went into how I made a huge commitment to him by giving him children and a family setting, my work and income suffered as a result of it so I am insulted that despite all the sacrifices I've made for him he's unwilling to sign "just a piece of paper" to return some commitment.

I asked why he was sad and he said because he feels like he's crushed my dreams and that I'll act differently toward him now.

I said I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't, but am not going to make things awkward by giving him the silent treatment or being argumentative.

I asked again what his problem with marriage was and said I wanted to get to the core of his reluctance, he said it seems to 'change' people when they get married, why 'change' things when they're fine as they are.

Fine for him maybe.

I asked why he hadn't stopped me in my tracks when I'd told him how my long-term goal is to be married, he said he never thought that far ahead so didn't want to say anything. (Aka happy for me to be strung along)

I'm 10 weeks pregnant, unfortunately I'm against abortion for personal reasons (no judgement to others who have had them) so that's just not an option for me.

He's gone to bed as he's on nights for another two night's, I'll leave him to his thoughts but sadly I think that's us done with the marriage talks.