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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me

547 replies

NC4THIS11 · 05/09/2018 21:50

We have one DC and I'm pregnant with our second, the past few months I've realised how much I'd love to get married. I haven't pressurised him nor have I asked him, but I've dropped a few hints for him to know its something I'm hoping for. I do want security for me and the DC but more importantly I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I saw a beautiful (but not expensive) ring in the windows of a jewellers and text him as my birthday was coming up, i told him about the ring and reminded him of my size and even made it as blatant as saying "hint hint ;)" in a jovial way, of course. That's the only time I've been so brave!

He twigged on and smiled, saying he'll see what he can do. I was elated. My birthday came and so did lovely gifts, but no ring. I had really gotten my hopes up, but I know that's my problem not his.

He has been engaged twice before and neither relationship lead to marriage. The first was in his early twenties to a longstanding girlfriend of 3 years and the second was the mother of his older DC, a relationship of 7 years. It seems he likes the idea of being engaged, just not to me?

A part of me wonders whether he's not fully committing because he thinks his ex will make an issue of it, there's been an atmosphere between she and i since we got together 4 years ago. She is happily attached but makes things difficult for DP when he has a woman in his life.

Should I just accept he's not interested in marrying me or should I speak to him properly and tell him how I'm feeling? I feel so awkward after the birthday misunderstanding, if you can call it that.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 07/09/2018 10:51

I think he sounds like someone who hasn't seen good examples of marriage when he was growing up, so doesn't really see the positives. He has never thought about what it means legally, in terms of security. I wouldn't write him off just yet.
See where he goes from here - keep talking to him and be completely honest about what you feel and why. If, when he totally knows and understands how important this is to you, he still doesn't want to get married then make your decision from there. For me, I would probably separate at that point, but I don't think you are quite there yet.
I do agree that you must take care of yourself financially now, on the assumption that things don't work out. Look to going back to work full time, make him pay his half of childcare etc. I think he does need to see what the difference is between a married couple and two people who can't rely on each other and whose options remain open, if this is the route he wants to go down.
You are right to say that you have bern acting like a wife, without being one, so you do now have to put your own wellbeing first and not just allow everything to remain the same.

I don't get the impression that he wanted to marry his exes, so don't get hung up on comparing yourself to them.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/09/2018 10:53

I'm really sorry, OP.

I am a bit side-eyed at the "He said just because he was engaged before doesn't mean he wanted to take it any further and engagement doesn't automatically mean marriage, fair enough it doesn't". Being engaged means there is an intention to marry. If there never was that intention, it was dishonest and cowardly for him to pretend there was. Though I guess that's what he did with you, though through a less formal route.

You cannot control what he does but you have 100% control over what you do.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 07/09/2018 10:55

Sorry OP. X posted with you.
Sounds like that's that then Flowers

Scott72 · 07/09/2018 10:57

As I've said NC4THIS, he's quite probably scared of the possibility of divorce. He may claim otherwise, as he realizes this makes him bad, but I wouldn't be surprised. Perhaps you should really into what would happen in the event of divorce. Perhaps it won't be as bad for him as he thinks it may be.

viques · 07/09/2018 11:03

You need to be honest with him, but be prepared for him to be honest back.

There are a number of things you need to tell him.

You have shown commitment to him by bearing two children, you need him to show the same commitment by getting married.

You love him, you want to spend the rest of your life with him and your little family , you know that marriage is not a guarantee of this but your current situation is making you anxious, unsettled and very unhappy.

Currently you , and his children , are in a very vulnerable position . You want him to step up his sense of responsibility as a partner and as a father by ensuring that as far as possible you and his children are protected legally and economically.

If he still chooses to leave you hanging then clearly he is not as committed to your wellbeing , happiness and security as you had hoped.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/09/2018 11:05

He has not exactly done cohabitation at all well either and those relationships of his have ended. Cohabatation separations as well can be very messy in their own right. This relationship with the OP could now well end too.

viques · 07/09/2018 11:06

Just read your update OP.

He's making his feelings very clear isn't he. I feel so sorry for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/09/2018 11:06

"I spoke about the legalities, benefits and security for the children. Widows pensions, next of kinship, children's surnames, equal PR and so on".

What was his response to this from you?.

Littlechocola · 07/09/2018 11:10

If he asked you to marry him today would you say yes?

SugarandVinegar · 07/09/2018 11:10

Would it be worthwhile having counselling op.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/09/2018 11:16

I don't know what use counselling will be. Either he wants to marry or he doesn't.

TomHardysNextWife · 07/09/2018 11:21

Oh dear, he's made his position very clear.

I don't think you need to rush into any decisions here especially with a baby on the way but I don't know if I could stay with someone who'd make the commitment of children with me but wouldn't give me or those children any legal protection for the future........

Look after yourself Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/09/2018 11:32

That is something that really irks me, he just glosses over the cracks.

I think you need to analyse this a little more.

It's desperately sad that he doesn't want to marry you and he's strung you along for so long knowing that; but he's made his feelings very clear now, three times in 24 hours. You absolutely know where you stand now and it's not something you could, or should, try to talk him into changing.

So; that leaves you deciding what you want to do. You can let go of your dream of marriage; and keep things as they are; or let him go and find someone who does want to marry you. That's very simplistic, but it's a simplistic decision, really: and to make it you need to honestly assess how your relationship is. It seems there's quite a lot of tension and bugbears... you can't talk to him about things easily, he dismisses you and pretends he can't hear you, you do all the wifework...

Kennycalmit · 07/09/2018 11:38

Sorry OP he sounds like an absolute dickhead.

He’s entitled to be against marriage but he’s NOT entitled to lie and waste your time

Okay, so engagement doesn’t mean you HAVE to marry that person, but it IS the first step. Who proposes without the intention marrying?! Hmm so he’s either talking crap by saying he had no intention on marrying the last two, or he’s a compulsive time waster who proposes to women with no intentions of going through with marrying. Either one makes him a nasty, cruel arsehole

His autism can get stuffed. I don’t believe for one second him being autistic stops him from talking about marriage with you.

He has strung you along. He has wasted your time. He could’ve told you from the start that he was not interested in marriage. But no.

Decent people don’t propose to women with no intention of actually marrying them. Decent people don’t waste years of a woman’s life. Decent people don’t do what your ‘d’p has done.

You deserve so much better. I personally couldn’t forgive him for wasting my time and lying to me. I would split and take him for as much maintenance money as I could get, and eventually find someone who doesn’t lie, who doesn’t string me along and someone who wants the same things as I do

Prettyvase · 07/09/2018 11:41

Omg

You talked to him about the security you and the DC would have.

And he doesn't care.

Are things always on his terms op?

He really doesn't care about your feelings. I doubt this is new?

BarbedBloom · 07/09/2018 11:43

The problem here is that even if he proposes now, you will always feel he was forced into it and that the engagement may never progress any further. Personally, as hard as it is, I would walk away. You cannot force someone to marry you if they don't want to and doing so only leads to resentment from one side or the other. If marriage is that important to you, you may need to face up to the fact that you need to find someone who feels the same way and it isn't him.

Prettyvase · 07/09/2018 11:45

Sounds like your partner has used the concept of proposing and having a fiance for his own ends: to shut the woman up enough so he can shag her for free!

Then he has found he didn't even need to do that with you as you have given him what he wanted. So why change?

He has taken you for a ride. Literally.

Haireverywhere · 07/09/2018 11:49

It sounds like there are quite significant communication issues in the relationship aside from this issue of him having never considered the benefits of marriage.

Don't rush any decisions. You must be feeling so awful right now it'll be hard to think straight.

Ariclock · 07/09/2018 11:49

I'm so sorry op Flowers I would immediately make arrangements to live separately. See if he wants to go 50/50 with childcare and look at maintainence. I would ask him to move out if you can afford the rent/mortgage on your own. He's being utterly selfish right now and needs a shock. If he's not prepared to offer you the financial security that marriage will bring you then he doesn't deserve to be with you.

areyoubeingserviced · 07/09/2018 11:52

Well Op, he’s made it crystal clear that he doesn’t want to get married, despite all the ‘benefits’
Sorry to be so negative, but I don’t think he truly believes that you are ‘the one’.
It shouldn’t be so hard to get someone to agree to marriage,if they purport to love you
A colleague of my mother stayed in a relationship with a man for fifyeen years , he said that he didn’t believe in marriage . When they broke up, he was married within a year to another woman
He doesn’t love you enough to marry you, if you are ok with this , then that’s fine. However, it’s obvious that you are not

mummmy2017 · 07/09/2018 11:57

When you next speak to him, tell him you have been thinking about what he said.
That you feel he needs to see you thought you were in it together, that having children together is a far more permanent step that being married, it ties you together for life.
If he doesn't think your his life partner, then is he prepared that one day his attitude could split you up, and how will he feel to see you commit to someone else...
That marriage to you means a deep soul commitment, a public deceleration of together Ness.
And that if he can't say yes to that, then he is less of a man that you thought.

elmo1980 · 07/09/2018 11:58

He sounds just like my exh. Communication on the big things was impossible as he simply found it too difficult, and I actually don't think he had the emotional capacity to put into words what he wanted to say.

You have made a lot of assumptions, your last comment about how he would rather pay maintenance than marry you is quite strong - is that actually the case has he said that?

The trouble is, hes not going to bring this up again, and you know he won't, so you are going to be left seething and the bitterness will grow until things are beyond repair and you are forced to leave him.

I know it's hard but you have to keep on with this until you get some clear responses if you want to save this relationship. If you feel there's no saving the relationship a d you don't want to raise it again with him then you need to take action now before it affects your child too.

Changedforpost · 07/09/2018 11:58

What is honestly the big deal here. Surely a sign of commitment is having kids together? I'm not in any rush to get married and have been together 10 years...why don't you propose to him?? Men don't have to do it

Changedforpost · 07/09/2018 11:59

Only read first few posts.... realise somethung may have been said in the meantime...apologies

areyoubeingserviced · 07/09/2018 12:00

Changed- Op’s ‘Partner’ doesn’t want to get married.