Partner of 6 years wants to live seperately

[Xenon888]

OK. This is going to be a little long winded but will try to keep it as short as possible.
I have been with my partner for nearly 6 years. Lived together for 5 of those years. We have built a house together and been finishing it off these past 2 years. I have 2 daughters aged 17 and 18 that live with me 24/7. My partner has shared custody of her 2 children aged 11 and 13 that she has for 3 nights a week.
About 5 months ago my partner walked in on my eldest daughter (18) having sex with her boyfriend in my daughters bedroom. My partner went off about it and told the boyfriend to get out the house. He apparently wouldn't leave because my daughter told him to wait until she was ready to leave too. All crap hit the fan, as my daughter told my partner that she is not to tell me about the situation as she is not family and that it is her place to tell me about what happened. Which they did, they came back an hour or so later and sat down and told me what had happened as I was out at the time collecting my other daughter from sports training.
To cut a long story short, we sat down and had a chat with my daughter a few days later and a few things was said by both my partner and my daughter that put them both at loggerheads. Now, my daughter did appologise a few days later and admitted that what she had said was out of anger and my partner said that she understood and accepted her apology.
I supported my partner 100% as she said she needed time to sort things out in her head and that my daughters boyfriend was not welcome back into the house until she had sorted out her head in this and that she did have a time period specified. Well, after 3 months of this i started to question my partner when she would be happy to have my daughters boyfriend over for a chat to try and sort this situation out, as I was seeing less and less of my daughter as her boyfriend would pull up outside of the house and they would leave. Then my daughter would return later on in the evening and go straight to bed as she had to up for university each day. This would turn into an argument each time as she held the ace card of " I did not give a specified period of time" each time we spoke about it.
Even close friends had told her that this has gone on for far to long and she really need to get it sorted out rather than keep this animosity going. But she is adamant that she will not listen to other peoples opinions as they don't live here etc etc etc. Well it has got to the point now where she wants to sell the house and live under separate roofs as she seems to feel that she can no longer live with my daughter as she apparently ignores her. (I don't see that myself as my daughter always says hello and has a chat with her when she comes home), but again, apparently my daughter acts differently when i am around. I don't know who to believe anymore as i seem to get 2 different stories from each of them when i try to resolve the situation. I seem to be stuck in the middle of things all the time.
I must admit though. My eldest daughter did have massive jealousy issues when i started going out with my partner, but i put this down to the fact that my wife walked out on me and my daughters when they were 5 and 6 years of age and wanted very little to do with her children from then on. so i brought my girls up on my own for 7 years before i met my new partner.
Anyway, we are currently about to put the house on the market to sell but because of the housing crash here at the moment we will make virtually nothing back on the property. Yet another thing i am being blamed for as she put about $80K into the house.
She says she still wants to stay together but live under separate roofs but i am having trouble understanding how this is going to work as she plans on moving 45mins away. Not that this is to far, but living together for 5 years and then living separately.
We had plans initially of selling up next year, moving nearer her children so she have them a week on week off, but all this seems to of gone now because of this situation.
Is it just me or does none of this actually make sense. I can not seem to join the dots in this. Why would my partner wish to live under separate roofs but still stay together. All over a dispute that she, and only she had the power to resolve but refuses to do so. If she sat down and had a chat with my daughters boyfriend it would all be resolved. I just don't understand it.
Confused

I daresay your daughter does act differently around your partner when you're not around.
Your partner's reaction to catching your DD having sex was ridiculous and out of touch with the reality of young adults.
It, also, seems as if she is using all this as an excuse to get out of the relationship.
I'd ask for some direct answers.I'd also discuss holding off the sale of the house or buying her out.

Your partner wants to split up, and I think you (and your DDs) would be better off without her.

She sounds awful. Your daughter is a grown woman, ffs, your partner shouldn't be waltzing into her room without knocking anyway. Does she always disregard DD's privacy like that? There's also something deeply distasteful about her attempts to curtail/control your DD's sexuality, in my opinion. Did you, at any point, actually take your daughter's side over any of it?

I think you made a mistake siding with your partner over your adult daughter OP. Your partner was out of line entering her room unannounced and reacted ridiculously to her having sex with her boyfriend. She is 18 and in a relationship...
It sounds to me like there's something more to this, your partner shouldn't be using your DD as an excuse to live separately, do you think she wants to split up?

It doesnt make any sense to be honest. Maybe she doesnt think poeple having in the same house as her younger children is acceptable

Ok what exactly was your partners issue - your daughter was in her own room at 18 with her boyfriend

I think your partner wants to split up and is using your DD as an excuse...which is why shes not talking about future stuff anymore...
five months is a ridiculous amount f time to sulk about an adult having sex with another adult!
Why did she walk into her room unless your dd and her BF were disturbing the younger children in which case she may have had a point to say/do something...

what is her actual plan...to fund 2 houses... I would call her bluff as couldn't live as someone who sulked like that....

if she has lost money then that is a shame but I assume you both have....and is a risk you take with any investment..

With you putting the $ and not £ I'm guessing you are not in the UK. What is the age of consent where you are ?
Here in the UK it is 16 so I would answer that by 18 you daughter should be able to have a sexual relationship if she chooses. Her mistake is not to have a lock on her door for her own privacy . You daughter is an adult so your partner ,in my opinion, was invading her privacy by walking in the room without knocking . However, if you and your partner had the house rule of no sex under your roof then she is in the wrong. If your partner had made her decision there is not much you can do about it, other than split up if it's not acceptable for you.

Yes i did accept my daughters response, but they knew that i was not accepting of them having sex under my roof. Yes, i know i might be old fashioned but i see as a mark of respect, nothing more.
I do seem to think that my partner wants something more than what she is letting on. Whether that is separating totally or just having the best of both worlds i am unsure of. She has spoken to her friends and family regarding the situation and they have told me (unbeknown of her), that she still wants to stay with me. i am so confused.
The partners kids were not in the house as she only has them on weekends bit i have been getting the feeling over the past year or so that she just wants to live in a house with her and her kids.

Your partner sounds ridiculous. How on earth can she be sulking with your daughter after all this time? You'd be well shot imo.

Well we don't know the details of the sex, I wouldn't have wanted my DCs banging away whilst I was in the house. Perhaps DD should have left Home.
But DP does sound unreasonable and that she is looking for an excuse to leave.

I think your partner has some jealousy over your DDs.

You're their dad and they live with you full time...She's the mum and is the NRP....she has them 3 out of 4 nights.

She sounds controlling and not so committed to the relationship tbh.

Your daughter having sex in her room with her boyfriend is none of your partner's business anymore than you two having sex is your daughter's!

She sounds unhinged. Selling the house now when there is a property slump is ridiculous. Especially if you want to stay together! You sound a bit too soft op. Stand your ground about your daughter and refuse to sell until prices pick up. If she forces you to sell then I wouldn't stay in a relationship with her.

Wow - no idea what your partners issue is?
Your DD being sexually active? Her BF? Her having sex in her own room as an adult in a LT relationship?

All irrational.

The situation is totally abusive / shaming and humiliating for your DD - why did you let this person do this to your DD?

You have likely lost them both.
Sounds like DP is on her way out of the relationship and DD is distancing herself.

The ins and outs of the finances are irrelevant. The priority here is your DD who has once been abandoned by her own DM physically and looks to me that her DF has abandoned her emotionally for some quite creepy, mad, bizarre DP

Is your daughter paying rent at all as she is at University?

there was nobody at home at time We were out walking the dogs and it just happened that we arrived back a little later than expected and i had to jump straight into the car to pick my other daughter up from training i am sure if i had walked in then this entire issue would not of happened. I am sure my partner is just using this as an excuse to live with just her kids.
But this is the confusing thing. She still wants to be in a relationship with me.
Oh, i am certain that i have always loved her more than she loved me. She can be very selfish and nasty at times. But she often accuse me of putting her down and telling her that she is negative. But she is. Around her friends she is always jolly and laughing etc but when i get in from work all i hear is complaints about the girls making a noise in the house whilst she is in her office working, or the construction noise out the back or the neighbors dogs barking etc.
I have tried explaining to her that of course i would see you as a more negative person than her friends would s i am her partner and i am the one that cops all the complaints about everything

This is all very weird.

Nobody should walk into an 18 year old's room without their permission. Especially if you're not even their own parent.

I guess your house your rules but I think not allowing an 18 year old in a steady relationship to have sex with their partner under your roof is fairly controlling in this day and age. I also think it's a logical consequence of that rule that your daughter will spend more time at his in that case. And obviously, that's compounded by him being banned from your house.

I suspect for your partner is not really about the boyfriend/18 year old having sex. Maybe she feels she isn't in control of her own household. I don't know, but you, her actual partner, should be the person she talks with to sort it all out. She can say to others they don't get a say because they don't live there but you live there, you do get a say. Three months is excessive.

Another 20 ....
I can assure you that i have DEFINITELY not abandoned my daughter. In fact i take insult to that remark.
My kids are my world to me and they know that.
The fact that i sided with my partner on this was because the house rule was that they were not to have sex under my roof. Something that i did not deem to be an irrational rule.

not an irrational rule at all

I think three months is quite long enough for your partner to have sorted her head out about this business.

Regarding allowing your daughter to sleep with her boyfriend in your house, that's entirely up to you and partner. It is your house after all. However she will sleep with him regardless of what you say, just not in your home.

Personally I would allow it if they were in a fairly long term relationship and, which is very important, if my house was big enough to allow them and me to have privacy, ie not having a bedroom close to mine and not sharing bathroom.

Yes you have - you have abandoned her feelings and left this random woman to call the shots. Why does she get to call the shots ? She is not her parent. Where is YOUR opionion on YOUR DD? Why does she get to discuss this far and wide with friends and family? She didn’t respect her privacy by walking in on her - she is still disrespecting her, punishing her for 5 long months and you stand by? Why?

Rebeca36,
Yes, i agree that 3 months was more than enough time to "sort out ones head about this". That is why the arguments have become more regular.
My partner whinges because my DD does not speak to her much anymore, but as I have told her, this is because you are still banning her boyfriend from the house. and that if she had brought in the boyfriend and had a chat and sorted all this out then the situation would of been resolved. But of course my DD has resentment with her because of her views.
I would say 95% of the arguments we have is about this situation, and that is she had a chat and resolved this then most of the arguments would end. But she just does not see this. It seems to be a cycleof self pity with her. She is on antidepressants (apparently because of this situation) but if the truth is known , she has been on antidepressants, on and off for many years, but of course, she blames it on this situation. But again, she seems to be a person that blames everything and everyone other than herself.
Red flags went up early in out relationship for me because she would never apologise for something until many many day days later even if it was 100% her fault.
Trouble is, i love her and see her as my soul mate unfortunately

Another20....
No, you are wrong again. I have not and never would abandon my DD. You have no idea of the situation.

Why do you have to live together to be a couple? She probably just doesn't want the hassle of living with your DDs? Or something along these lines...

Bizarre situation. I think you should accept her moving out and move on with your life. Give dating each other a chance if you aren't ready to end it - might work better for you both.

hi OP

I agree with "your house your rules". That's not the issue though it was the trigger.

I can see why you're confused. My instinct is telling me your partner has a different life envisaged for herself and kids and this is a 'soft exit'. If it was really about your daughter there would be lots of talk of other options not jumping to separate houses 45 minutes away.