Partner of 6 years wants to live seperately

[Xenon888]

OK. This is going to be a little long winded but will try to keep it as short as possible.
I have been with my partner for nearly 6 years. Lived together for 5 of those years. We have built a house together and been finishing it off these past 2 years. I have 2 daughters aged 17 and 18 that live with me 24/7. My partner has shared custody of her 2 children aged 11 and 13 that she has for 3 nights a week.
About 5 months ago my partner walked in on my eldest daughter (18) having sex with her boyfriend in my daughters bedroom. My partner went off about it and told the boyfriend to get out the house. He apparently wouldn't leave because my daughter told him to wait until she was ready to leave too. All crap hit the fan, as my daughter told my partner that she is not to tell me about the situation as she is not family and that it is her place to tell me about what happened. Which they did, they came back an hour or so later and sat down and told me what had happened as I was out at the time collecting my other daughter from sports training.
To cut a long story short, we sat down and had a chat with my daughter a few days later and a few things was said by both my partner and my daughter that put them both at loggerheads. Now, my daughter did appologise a few days later and admitted that what she had said was out of anger and my partner said that she understood and accepted her apology.
I supported my partner 100% as she said she needed time to sort things out in her head and that my daughters boyfriend was not welcome back into the house until she had sorted out her head in this and that she did have a time period specified. Well, after 3 months of this i started to question my partner when she would be happy to have my daughters boyfriend over for a chat to try and sort this situation out, as I was seeing less and less of my daughter as her boyfriend would pull up outside of the house and they would leave. Then my daughter would return later on in the evening and go straight to bed as she had to up for university each day. This would turn into an argument each time as she held the ace card of " I did not give a specified period of time" each time we spoke about it.
Even close friends had told her that this has gone on for far to long and she really need to get it sorted out rather than keep this animosity going. But she is adamant that she will not listen to other peoples opinions as they don't live here etc etc etc. Well it has got to the point now where she wants to sell the house and live under separate roofs as she seems to feel that she can no longer live with my daughter as she apparently ignores her. (I don't see that myself as my daughter always says hello and has a chat with her when she comes home), but again, apparently my daughter acts differently when i am around. I don't know who to believe anymore as i seem to get 2 different stories from each of them when i try to resolve the situation. I seem to be stuck in the middle of things all the time.
I must admit though. My eldest daughter did have massive jealousy issues when i started going out with my partner, but i put this down to the fact that my wife walked out on me and my daughters when they were 5 and 6 years of age and wanted very little to do with her children from then on. so i brought my girls up on my own for 7 years before i met my new partner.
Anyway, we are currently about to put the house on the market to sell but because of the housing crash here at the moment we will make virtually nothing back on the property. Yet another thing i am being blamed for as she put about $80K into the house.
She says she still wants to stay together but live under separate roofs but i am having trouble understanding how this is going to work as she plans on moving 45mins away. Not that this is to far, but living together for 5 years and then living separately.
We had plans initially of selling up next year, moving nearer her children so she have them a week on week off, but all this seems to of gone now because of this situation.
Is it just me or does none of this actually make sense. I can not seem to join the dots in this. Why would my partner wish to live under separate roofs but still stay together. All over a dispute that she, and only she had the power to resolve but refuses to do so. If she sat down and had a chat with my daughters boyfriend it would all be resolved. I just don't understand it.
Confused

Onemansoapopera,
Yes, i do believe there are jealousy issues with her, in fact it was a talk i had with her about years ago but she assured me that she was not jealous whatsoever and thought it was great that i had such a strong bond with my DD's. Though, the odd hint here and there from her has made me think she actually is jealous.
Oh well , i see losing my home as a small price to pay in comparison to losing the bond i have with both my DD's
Sad to think there are people out there so hell bent on ruining someones relationship with their own blood.

Blending families is always difficult. How long were you together before she moved in and how well did your girls know her? That said from what I have read she does not sound like your soul mate as you proclaim, your relationship sounds rather one sided. You say you will have to rent if she moves out, will she have to do the same? Will she be financially worse off also? It seems as if everyone will suffer if you move including your daughters. However from what you have written I think you could do a lot better and deserve a partner who really loves you. Personally I would take back control and give her an ultimatum. This issue needs sorting asap and the boyfriend is welcome anytime or the relationship ends.

Why is it disrespectful to you for your 18 year old daughter to have sex in her room, in a house that was empty? What are you allowed to and she’s not? Where is she meant to have sex? Or is that the problem, you don’t want her to be having sex at all? Sex isn’t shameful you know. It all comes across as controlling and I’m not surprised your daughter doesn’t want to come visit.

Yes, the issue isn't that an 18 year old was caught having sex with her boyfriend. The issue isn't your daughter's behaviour. I'm guessing based on a narcissist I know that thrives on attention and kicks off majorly when the attention isn't on her, disrupting everyone and everything.

It is not a normal response from an adult to continue being so stupid and immature over this. To want to split living arrangements which means a loss in money when you've done all the hard work and when your daughter isn't even there much and will probably move out not long after it is sold anyway!

Also to go to a week on and week off custody with her children will disrupt them. It is unusual for a woman not to have at least 50/50 custody and to move away from her children? It all seems very impulse and a disruption to 2 families because of some stupid reason that she can't even justify properly. At least if she wanted to split then it would make more sense. But what she wants is attention. The narcissist I know is exactly like this. Disrupting her family continually. Stirring things. Creating problems where there are none. Changing her mind whenever things look good. Pitching family members against each other.

Actually I think you should go ahead with her plans and once you're in separate housesblock her or she will forever cause you issues with your daughters, your grandchildren etc.

I do see this slightly differently, and if your dp were to have her say I think we would hear a very different story to the one you are telling us.

But in short, I think your dp has had enough of living with your children. You have rules about no sex in your house, and you are fully entitled to decide on those rules with your dp. I wouldn't like it either.

Your dd broke the rules and although apologised is still creating a bad atmosphere and it makes me wonder about the history between your dp and dds. Maybe your dp has realised she is never going to get on with them and that they are unlikely to move out any time soon.

Your dds are the focus of your life, but they are not the focus of your dp, she has her own children. I think she wants the relationship to finish and this is probably for the best.

There is so much more going on with this story.

I think your wife feels she has lost control of her life.

I wouldn't want to come home to find my child (or stepdaughter) having sex in my home. It's not about the sex, it's about the respect and being made to feel uncomfortable in my own home. Also, being made to feel like you are living in a house-share when in fact, you really own the house.

There are posters on here who are totally cool with children having sex in the family home. I also acknowledge that she is 18. However, I'm not. So there are all sorts of people. You said yourself that is was a house rule that was broken? So it was pretty clear from the start this was a dealbreaker for your wife whose house it also is.

Does your daughter pay rent? Someone asked that and I didn't see your reply.

You also said your wife paid 80k in to the house. And that she is prepared to lose it? Well doesn't that give you an indication of her desire to live apart? How much money did you invest in the house - is there financially parity in your home? Is there resentment in your marriage?

Also, you said it seems by living apart 'she wants the best of both worlds?' - but then who doesn't and who shouldn't? If that works best then perhaps that is the right thing.

Have you talked to your wife and listened to her? And although you support your adult daughter, have you made it clear to her that while you always will - her actions have made your home life pretty chaotic and difficult?

I think you should think about this from all sides again.

I agree. You should let her go. People who really love you don't pull this shit. Other women are out there who will love you and your DDs for the family you are

Op do you realise how many times you've insulted your dp in your posts? Jealous, mental health issues, narcissistic, procastinater!
Also maybe she would like to have more time with her own children as having yours full on and hers not very much at all! Must get really upsetting and stressful infact needing antidepressants. If your procastinating, jealous dp with mental health issues is planning on moving 45 minutes away but nearer to her children you are wrong to be against that. Your girls live with you but her children she can't see every day and you think this won't cause her stress and anxiety?
She also has a difficult time with your DD to add to her unhappy mix.
I'd runs mile from.
After 6 years I suppose the passion has settled and all your dp thought she could cope with when madly o Dr you has turned out to be too much in the end?
If you're so happy to freely insult your dp how would you feel if she read your comments? Think that would help your relationship or kill it?
To me you seem oblivious

O Dr ??? Typo _ in love*

My kids are my world to me and they know that
Then put them first.
Stop clinging on to this selfish woman.
Sell up and live separately and then drop her.

This isn't working for you or your DD's
You may 'love' her but please love your kids more.
This is no environment for them.

At 18, with no-one in the house, and a long term BF, of course she is going to have sex.
It's the safest place to do it.
Why would you ban it?
Do you want them to have to do it in bushes, and toilets, and carparks? With no protection to hand?
It's supposed to be her home.
Step out of the 1950's and realise you are in the 21st century.
Kids do not get the opportunity to move out of home so early.
They need a safe place for relationships and that is in their own home!

crimsonlake
My DD's knew her for about a year before we moved in together. looking back, should of made it longer but DP circumstances brought the time forward a little sooner than expected, she was separated and living under one roof with her ex and their boys. Yes, looks to be that we will both have to rent as the house market is tumbling here.

deepsea,
Yes, i am sure DP story would be a little different to the one i am telling, but i am just telling it as i see and experience it.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2
I dont understand your "house-share" comment. We bought and built the house together, my DD's live here 7 days a week and DP 3 days.
Yes, my daughter pays a little in rent a week as she only has a part time job.
NO, DP is not willing to lose the $80k, i have been blamed for the loss seeing as the house market has crashed. No, not my fault i know, but i still got blamed.
Yes, I have lost money in it too.
Yes, there is financial party in the house, we pay half each
No resentment in the relationship
Yes, i have sat down and spoken to DP many, many times but her mind is made up.
I have listened and thought about this from all sides
Sorry to reply in bullet point but there were alot of questions to answer

That's okay.

If there is no equity in the house then the money is lost. Nobody wins.

I am really intrigued that your wife wants to move away, she is not saying you have to go. That's quite telling, isn't it? She wants to get away from the situation - not force her will on an existing set up.

I think when you buy a house with your wife then you and her are the boss of your home. Blended families and adult children living under that same roof complicates this. Personally, I would not like the dynamic of older children treating the home like it is their 'house'. Respecting rules is an indication that this is understood.

Do you think your daughter behaves differently when you are not home? If you think that is possible then that is an untenable living situation for everyone.

Are you upset that your wife wants to move away for emotional or financial reasons? Because at the minute there is a problem that seems to be solved by her leaving and she is willing to do so.

I think it's unreasonable that after 3 months your wife still won't budge and speak to the boyfriend, but sometimes it's a thin end of the wedge and people can dig their heels in to reaffirm their boundary. Hence why I think this is about having control of her own life, rather than a desire to control you.

Kisbot
My intentions were not to insult DP. I am very frustrated that's all.
Her work commitments were the reason she could not have her KIds a week on week off initially. Her hours and travel schedules have now changed somewhat.
The difficult time with my DD has only happened because of DP refusal to sit down and sort the problem out. In fact, DP only mentioned to me 12 months ago that she is getting along better now with DD since she had a boyfriend than she ever had done in the past.
Of course insults do not fix a relationship, but neither does running away from a situation

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2
DP want's to move closer to where her kids live. It was out intention to sell up next year and buy a house nearer them so the week on week off thing could happen for her. DP work commitments did not allow that in the past.
DP tells me that DD acts differently when i am not in the house BUT, my other DD (that gets along well with DP) informs me that DP acts very differently around them when i am not home too. So i seem to be in a lose lose situation.

hellsbellsmelons
Thanks for the advice. Yes, i will be moving out fairly soon and putting my DDs first in this.
Just sorting out some financial aspects first
Im not living in the 1950's. Just trying to teach that just because you turn 18 and are an adult, you still have to live by some rules

Onemansoapopera
Thanks.

Musti
I agree. If she wanted split up and separate it would make much more sense to me.... but she insists that she still wants to stay with me, just not live with me.
I don't know, maybe she is just saying that to keep the peace for the time we are all living together. As we do still sleep in the same bed together. And we actually do get along well, she just seems to have a massive problem with my oldest DD.
I could give some examples but i am sure people on here would think i was lying if i did

I wouldn't think you are lying. We've lived it. As I said in a nutshell, she's a rival female. Your DP think she's in competition with her. As an adult she's not mature enough to be with a man who loves his daughters and is around them everday. So she'll put your DD out of sight out of mind.. it would be different if you had sons I guarantee it. People may think I'm projecting. I'm not. Empathising though yes. Please let her go and date her at a distance. She'll be back when DD moves on (as long as she believes she can dominate your other DD). I wonder if your older DD looks a lot like her mum...

‘Banning’ another adult from having sex in their own home IS an irrational rule. How ridiculous. Is there an age limit on this rule?

Your daughter must be counting down the days until she can move out.

Onemansoapopera
Thanks. Glad to see I am not the only one that is experiencing this. Yes, my older DD does look like her mother.

There you have it.

TheStoic
Thanks and noted.
NO, in fact my DD loves living at home. Of course one day she will move out but that is her decision if and when she chooses to

in fact my DD loves living at home. Of course one day she will move out but that is her decision if and when she chooses to

So IS there an age where you will allow her to have a sexual relationship in her own home?