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Original poster

Partner of 6 years wants to live seperately

141 replies

Xenon888 · 05/09/2018 17:19

OK. This is going to be a little long winded but will try to keep it as short as possible.
I have been with my partner for nearly 6 years. Lived together for 5 of those years. We have built a house together and been finishing it off these past 2 years. I have 2 daughters aged 17 and 18 that live with me 24/7. My partner has shared custody of her 2 children aged 11 and 13 that she has for 3 nights a week.
About 5 months ago my partner walked in on my eldest daughter (18) having sex with her boyfriend in my daughters bedroom. My partner went off about it and told the boyfriend to get out the house. He apparently wouldn't leave because my daughter told him to wait until she was ready to leave too. All crap hit the fan, as my daughter told my partner that she is not to tell me about the situation as she is not family and that it is her place to tell me about what happened. Which they did, they came back an hour or so later and sat down and told me what had happened as I was out at the time collecting my other daughter from sports training.
To cut a long story short, we sat down and had a chat with my daughter a few days later and a few things was said by both my partner and my daughter that put them both at loggerheads. Now, my daughter did appologise a few days later and admitted that what she had said was out of anger and my partner said that she understood and accepted her apology.
I supported my partner 100% as she said she needed time to sort things out in her head and that my daughters boyfriend was not welcome back into the house until she had sorted out her head in this and that she did have a time period specified. Well, after 3 months of this i started to question my partner when she would be happy to have my daughters boyfriend over for a chat to try and sort this situation out, as I was seeing less and less of my daughter as her boyfriend would pull up outside of the house and they would leave. Then my daughter would return later on in the evening and go straight to bed as she had to up for university each day. This would turn into an argument each time as she held the ace card of " I did not give a specified period of time" each time we spoke about it.
Even close friends had told her that this has gone on for far to long and she really need to get it sorted out rather than keep this animosity going. But she is adamant that she will not listen to other peoples opinions as they don't live here etc etc etc. Well it has got to the point now where she wants to sell the house and live under separate roofs as she seems to feel that she can no longer live with my daughter as she apparently ignores her. (I don't see that myself as my daughter always says hello and has a chat with her when she comes home), but again, apparently my daughter acts differently when i am around. I don't know who to believe anymore as i seem to get 2 different stories from each of them when i try to resolve the situation. I seem to be stuck in the middle of things all the time.
I must admit though. My eldest daughter did have massive jealousy issues when i started going out with my partner, but i put this down to the fact that my wife walked out on me and my daughters when they were 5 and 6 years of age and wanted very little to do with her children from then on. so i brought my girls up on my own for 7 years before i met my new partner.
Anyway, we are currently about to put the house on the market to sell but because of the housing crash here at the moment we will make virtually nothing back on the property. Yet another thing i am being blamed for as she put about $80K into the house.
She says she still wants to stay together but live under separate roofs but i am having trouble understanding how this is going to work as she plans on moving 45mins away. Not that this is to far, but living together for 5 years and then living separately.
We had plans initially of selling up next year, moving nearer her children so she have them a week on week off, but all this seems to of gone now because of this situation.
Is it just me or does none of this actually make sense. I can not seem to join the dots in this. Why would my partner wish to live under separate roofs but still stay together. All over a dispute that she, and only she had the power to resolve but refuses to do so. If she sat down and had a chat with my daughters boyfriend it would all be resolved. I just don't understand it.
Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Xenon888 · 05/09/2018 19:01

Redken24.
I think you have hit the nail on the head my friend
especially when i get reactions from my partner like "when my boys get older i don't want to hear things like, when my girls did that you used to complain to me about it etc",.
Thing is though. We have lived together for 5 years. I see it as a little strange to live in separate houses once you have live together

OP posts:
LemonysSnicket · 05/09/2018 19:03

Your daughter was an adult and I think your partner was being over sensitive

Original poster
Xenon888 · 05/09/2018 19:04

Category12,
Thanks. I think that is how it is how it is going to be...... except it is me that has to move out into a rental as I can nt afford the mortgage by myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xenon888 · 05/09/2018 19:13

Thanks Haireverywhere.
Been thinking along the same lines (in fact, have thinking along several thousand different lines :)"). But this is one of them.
Just makes no sense whatsoever to me. We were talking of marriage 2 years ago. Seems she want live a "single life" and have me there when she wants. seeing as she will have her kids for a week o week off arrangement. Gives her time to go out and do what she wants then i suppose

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 05/09/2018 19:32

That's just my opinion but I honestly can't understand any other reason.
If it walks like a duck...quacks like a duck...

I think it's time to talk and prepare yourself for hard truths or more avoidance. I'm sure you will but I'd prepare for the eventuality of splitting for good when she moves out and therefore consider finances/your girls' futures accordingly now.

fuzzyfozzy · 05/09/2018 19:47

I'd tell her she's had her chance to talk it out, get the boyfriend in at a certain time, if dp turns up great. If not you guys sort it out. It's still half your house.

pointythings · 05/09/2018 21:23

I agree that your partner is using your DD as an excuse.

I also think that you need to be careful with your relationship with your 18yo DD. No sex under your roof may be 'your house, your rules', but it might very well drive her away and drive a wedge between you. It's basically saying that you are allowed to have sex (with your partner) but she isn't. Between two adults, that is a recipe for resentment.

MMmomDD · 05/09/2018 21:29

OP - obviously there are a lot of things that are going on in the situation, that must be influencing your partner.

I do want to ask you a question though. It is clear that you and your daughters have a strong bond given the history.

However - kids need to grow up and eventually leave the nest.
Your elder one in university. And she, obviously wants to live a life or a student. And a grown up.
Is there a plan for her to eventually move to a residence where she can live like other young adults and not have rules about her sex like?

I don’t know what is in your partne’s head. I do know, however, that living with partner/children is a different sort of life to living in a house with partner/two young dating adults.
Especially, when you also have your younger children that stay there occasionally.

Musti · 05/09/2018 22:01

She sounds vile and I wouldn't want my kids near such a toxic person. Blaming your dd for her depression sounds like something a narcissist would say.

Robin2323 · 06/09/2018 03:16

I have been in your partners position.
My 30 year old step son moved in with us for over 3 years.
It can be hard.
But the way through is good communication.
You all need to talk this through.
Both my youngest have now left home. One still at uni.
Step son has own place now.
It does get easier.
Separate homes is NOT the answer unless you want to split up. Good luck.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 06/09/2018 03:36

It sounds like it's just not being delt with properly. You and your partner need to agree on the house rules, and the kids need to abide by the rules. It's not unreasonable for you partner to expect no boyfriends in bedrooms while the younger children are home, or possibly at all if it that big of a deal.

Original poster
Xenon888 · 06/09/2018 03:40

Thanks Haireverywhere. I appreciate the advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Xenon888 · 06/09/2018 03:43

Fuzzy fozzy, I have had her boyfriend in the house a coupe of occasions over the past couple of weeks but DP was not here at the time. Yes it is half my house and this is what i have told her. Just causes more friction whenever the subject is brought up

OP posts:
Original poster
Xenon888 · 06/09/2018 03:50

MMmonDD,
Yes, i have an incredibly strong bond with both my teenage daughters and i have always thought that there was a jealousy issue between my DP and daughters. See, DP does not have that bond between herself and her 2 boys.
My daughter does plan on moving out next year sometime with a couple of her friends (uni is close to where we live), but even with that in mind DP insists that she can no longer live under the same roof as DD. We have argued lots over the past few months and 95% of these arguements are over this same issue. But, i have always had a nagging thought in the back of my mind over the years that maybe DP does have some kind of mental issue. Nothing massive like bipolar can be, just something that i cant put my finger on. This might also explain why she has been on antidepressants on and off over the years, even before i knew her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xenon888 · 06/09/2018 03:57

Robin2323,
Yes, blended families are hard at the best of times. I realise separate homes is not the answer, and this is why i have tried to sort this all out but it is her decision and she insists that she is not going to back down on her wish to live in separate homes.
I know for a fact it would get easier if DP would just sort this out but her refusal to do so (with excuses like, "I did not give a time period when i would be happy to have him back in the house"), seems to me like nothing more than excuses for her greater good

OP posts:
Original poster
Xenon888 · 06/09/2018 04:00

Musti,
its funny you say that as I actually bought a couple of books a few months ago titled "Living with a Narcissist" . Not sure whether DP ticks all the boxes for being one but gets close to it :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Xenon888 · 06/09/2018 04:03

Snitzelvoncrumb,
We have sat down and discussed house rules. The event happened when we were all out of the house and just DD and boyfriend was at home. They knew the rules and they broke them.. BUT, they both did appologise for doing so. I can and have accepted their appologies as we all screw up sometimes. DP just refuses to sort things out, this is why i am starting to wonder whether she has other plans for this relationship

OP posts:
Snitzelvoncrumb · 06/09/2018 05:37

Xennon it sounds like it might just be easier to live separately and see how it goes. Your daughter is 18, was with her boyfriend not a random man from the pub and one was home, it's not that big of a deal. You may find you are happier.

AgentJohnson · 06/09/2018 05:49

It must be exhausting being on the back foot of your partner’s issues, I think it’s time to let her go, she clearly isn’t happy and it’s created an atmosphere for everyone.

Given your partner’s personality and behaviour over the years, why are you so desperate to accommodate her? The situation that she has created with your DD is a step too far and I would not be looking at her wanting to live separately as a bad thing, grab this opportunity but make it permanent.

Do not sanction your DD being made to feel unwelcome in her own home, especially for someone as disingenuous as your partner.

AgentJohnson · 06/09/2018 05:50

End the relationship after she’s gone because she might not want to leave if it becomes your decision and not hers.

Original poster
Xenon888 · 06/09/2018 06:08

Snitzelvoncrumb ,
Thanks. Yes, i have made the decision to accept living separately and see how things go. If i am not happy with the new situation then i will end the relationship. It might work out better, having date nights etc but if not then at least i can walk away knowing that i gave it my best shot

OP posts:
SM2132 · 06/09/2018 07:25

Do you really want to be with someone like this? Yes, she walked in on your daughter but the adult thing to do would be a quiet chat with her and a reminder of 'house rules'. All this drama and upset is ridiculous! To be fair, anyone with an ounce of humour would find the situation embarrasing and laugh it off. I couldn't be with such an uptight misery!

Original poster
Xenon888 · 06/09/2018 08:21

SM2132,
I do question this myself at times. She was not like this though initially, but since we have built and moved into this house she has changed. She did change jobs 2 years and is always stressed about work. I have discussed her finding something less stressful but she wont, as she loves the job she now has. Even though i personally think she procrastinates far to much instead of just doing what she needs to catch up on her work. In fact, i spend many hours a week in the evenings doing the research she needs to help her out with the job.

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 06/09/2018 08:38

She's jealous of your daughters and your bond and wants to disrupt it. Even seeing you together with another woman (your daughter) will get her back up to the point shed rather move some where else. Common ploy of someone who wants to punish and divide and someone who can't control their jealousy. She'll be back though. My ex's on off wife has been coming and going for years. She's obsessed with ruining his relationship with dd for 7 years they've been together, DD is now 16, more beautiful and confident than ever and it boils her blood and brings out all her insecurities. To insecure narcissist women, all other females are threats, even or maybe particularly daughters. Sick but true.

Onemansoapopera · 06/09/2018 08:41

Maybe your punishment for sticking close to your DD, is losing your home...