Partner of 6 years wants to live seperately

[Xenon888]

OK. This is going to be a little long winded but will try to keep it as short as possible.
I have been with my partner for nearly 6 years. Lived together for 5 of those years. We have built a house together and been finishing it off these past 2 years. I have 2 daughters aged 17 and 18 that live with me 24/7. My partner has shared custody of her 2 children aged 11 and 13 that she has for 3 nights a week.
About 5 months ago my partner walked in on my eldest daughter (18) having sex with her boyfriend in my daughters bedroom. My partner went off about it and told the boyfriend to get out the house. He apparently wouldn't leave because my daughter told him to wait until she was ready to leave too. All crap hit the fan, as my daughter told my partner that she is not to tell me about the situation as she is not family and that it is her place to tell me about what happened. Which they did, they came back an hour or so later and sat down and told me what had happened as I was out at the time collecting my other daughter from sports training.
To cut a long story short, we sat down and had a chat with my daughter a few days later and a few things was said by both my partner and my daughter that put them both at loggerheads. Now, my daughter did appologise a few days later and admitted that what she had said was out of anger and my partner said that she understood and accepted her apology.
I supported my partner 100% as she said she needed time to sort things out in her head and that my daughters boyfriend was not welcome back into the house until she had sorted out her head in this and that she did have a time period specified. Well, after 3 months of this i started to question my partner when she would be happy to have my daughters boyfriend over for a chat to try and sort this situation out, as I was seeing less and less of my daughter as her boyfriend would pull up outside of the house and they would leave. Then my daughter would return later on in the evening and go straight to bed as she had to up for university each day. This would turn into an argument each time as she held the ace card of " I did not give a specified period of time" each time we spoke about it.
Even close friends had told her that this has gone on for far to long and she really need to get it sorted out rather than keep this animosity going. But she is adamant that she will not listen to other peoples opinions as they don't live here etc etc etc. Well it has got to the point now where she wants to sell the house and live under separate roofs as she seems to feel that she can no longer live with my daughter as she apparently ignores her. (I don't see that myself as my daughter always says hello and has a chat with her when she comes home), but again, apparently my daughter acts differently when i am around. I don't know who to believe anymore as i seem to get 2 different stories from each of them when i try to resolve the situation. I seem to be stuck in the middle of things all the time.
I must admit though. My eldest daughter did have massive jealousy issues when i started going out with my partner, but i put this down to the fact that my wife walked out on me and my daughters when they were 5 and 6 years of age and wanted very little to do with her children from then on. so i brought my girls up on my own for 7 years before i met my new partner.
Anyway, we are currently about to put the house on the market to sell but because of the housing crash here at the moment we will make virtually nothing back on the property. Yet another thing i am being blamed for as she put about $80K into the house.
She says she still wants to stay together but live under separate roofs but i am having trouble understanding how this is going to work as she plans on moving 45mins away. Not that this is to far, but living together for 5 years and then living separately.
We had plans initially of selling up next year, moving nearer her children so she have them a week on week off, but all this seems to of gone now because of this situation.
Is it just me or does none of this actually make sense. I can not seem to join the dots in this. Why would my partner wish to live under separate roofs but still stay together. All over a dispute that she, and only she had the power to resolve but refuses to do so. If she sat down and had a chat with my daughters boyfriend it would all be resolved. I just don't understand it.
Confused

oyYou
No, she has her DS"s here from fri to mon. this she will keep doing until the house is sold. The rentals i am talking about is in another country

SandyY2K,
Oh, i still plan on putting nothing back into this house. The rentals will be in another country so no fear of her moving into them. This is nothing other than a business deal.
As i said, something we have been discussing for quite some time. So, the rental thing is strictly business to increase both parties financial prospects in life. This is why i was putting forward the whole "break up scenario". Seems somewhat odd if this is what she is planning to do once i move out, as this venture will happen AFTER i move out

We hear a lot about you wondering what her intentions / plans are for the relationship - sounds like you are second guessing and are not confident with her position that she wants to carry on.

Is your gut telling you that something is amiss - or that YOU don’t want to carry on?

Are you 100% happy, secure and positive about her character?

another20,
Yes, after the "somewhat bizarre reasons" which has led to the situation of where i am now, i guess i am second guessing everything at the moment.
NO, actually my gut instinct is telling that she just wants to live a separate life with her and her 2 boys, and not have to live in the same house as my DD's. And still keep the relationship going with me, as she never seemed to connect properly with my 2 DD's, especially my oldest DD.
And to be perfectly honest with you, i think my life and my DD's lives would be happier with not having DP living with us, as my DD's have commented (tongue in cheek) that it sometimes feels live living in a Nazi concentration camp. :) .
100% happy, secure and positive with her character..... NO, definitely not. But are any of us with others?
There are many things i things that i deem not 100%, but is that not the way people are. I have and never would try to change anybody as i see that as wrong to do. One would only hope that in a relationship each others good points rub off on each other and you get to find a happy equilibrium. Unfortunately, in my instance, this has not been the case.
The sad thing is, she used to ge a happy go lucky person but since moving into the house that we built 2 years ago all this has changed

Yes get your poor DD moved out of the camp. Sounds horrific for them.

No this is not how most people conduct a relationship - you have very low standards. Of course you can’t change people, but when they display the behaviours seen here to you and your DDs without any remorse, insight or will to improve, you move on to a healthier relationship.

another20,
I don't consider myself to have very low standards. In fact i thought my standards were fairly normal, and this is why these events has finally led to what they are now. Trouble is, i seem to be the peacekeeper in this and am frankly sick and tired of being it.
I have in fact given myself 6 weeks to find a rental and be moved out of here. I can't do anything until early next month because of certain commitments, but as soon as that is done and resolved, we will be out of here come hell or high water. It will make a happier environment for my DD"s, and myself.
A discussion i have just had this evening with my DP (?), erupted into a full scale war over something so trivial you would laugh if i told you. I told her i was tired of the way she always manipulates what i say into something that is completely different to what i actually said and how this narcissistic attitude is wearing thin. Of course that did not go down well, and she obviously took offense to to being called that, So i presented her with a list i had printed of the internet of "10 signs that you have a narcissistic girlfriend", of which she ticked the boxes of all 10 of these attributes.
She read them, tore it up and threw it at me. :). Maybe that was a bit unfair to give that list to her but hey, God only knows what she would say and do if i told her i had posted this situation on an online forum to read other peoples opinions concerning this matter!!!!

Xenon if she is a narcissist then losing control and knowing you are leaving are when things ramp up the most. I get why you showed her the paper but really, having had experience, you need to stay very calm, not engage in the drama and give nothing away.
Plan your escape because that is what it is. Be quiet and consistent. Do not feed the narcissist or they will react and want more drama. At the end of this you really do want to be left alone.
At this point she is exposed for the nasty piece of work she is so will be trying to hide that and to do so will drag all sorts of shit to the fan, including using others to do so.
Keep your eyes and ears open.

sanssherif,
Thanks for the advice, will keep that close to my chest.
All she knows at the moment is that i will be leaving, NOT when i am leaving. Only myself and my DD's know about the 6 week plan

Peacekeeper between who? Your lovely, immaculately behaved, respectful teenager DD’s and some raging, controlling, abuisve Narc?

Why?

another20,
No, peacekeeper in everything.
Me putting the dishwasher on when it was not full (so she hid the Dishwashing cubes)
Me not folding up the washing correctly
Noise from the tv in the house
My DD's talking on their mobiles phones to loudly
Construction noise out the back of our house
The neighbours dogs barking
Doors being closed to loudly
Lights being left on
etc etc etc

Wow. That sounds intolerable. Can you see it as controlling, bullying - abusive?

You need to TELL your DDs that this is a disrespectful, toxic relationship and then SHOW them what to do if they were ever treated this way - walk.

You could seek some support to understand why you have stayed so long. What was the reason her marriage failed?

OP She sounds like a complete control freak and not a very stable personality.
You on the other hand seem like a decent hard working human being and a loving father.
I wish I had been fortunate enough to have a father like you.

Anyway just one serious piece of advice based on my own experiences
DO NOT go into business with this woman under any circumstances.

She does not even see that you built a house and put all you hard work into doing that at all.

She does not see you as an equal partner in any way. She thinks of you as an employee!

She procrastinates while you are helping her with her job!

People with this type of personality see other people as minions who are there to improve their lives...it's not a mutual arrangement.
They take, take, take!

Just quietly and calmly walk away and put all your hard work, time and energy into improving your quality of life for yourself for the future.

another20,
Yes i do see that, but must admit, only over the past few months. I think the thing that def made me question her mind set was the dishwasher thing. As i said, she hid the dishwasher cubes and would do all the dishes by hand instead. When i stated that there is a perfectly good dishwasher there her reply would be "Oh, there is not enough dishes to put it on". But there would be if she didn't do dishes, cups etc 3 times a day. Then she admitted that it frustrates the living hell out of her that i put the dishwasher on when it is not completely full. I explained that this is why all dishwashers have different settings on them so half loads can be done, but it was to no avail.
Funny thing is, I bought the dishwasher myself out of my own money.
I have sat my girls down and had a talk to them about how this relationship is all wrong and the reasons why, and why we are moving out. They are smart girls.
I think the only reason i stayed with her so long was because i love her. But to be perfectly honest with you, i really do not know what love is anymore, I do know it is not this.
Her last relationship failed because her ex cheated on her. They had 2 boys together and her ex had 3 boys from a previous marriage that used to stay with the every weekend. So she was used to having blended family. I did say to her the other week though that i might give her ex a call and ask him whether he used to have these issues with her every time his boys stayed over. She got very angry when i suggested this and replied "of course we used to have issues sometimes as blended families are really hard".
She was not married to him, but she was married before that one, but it only lasted 11 months. apparently he cheated on her too.

butterfly56,
Yes i am coming to realise that she is somewhat of a control freak in many ways.
I have tried my best to be a descent father and luckily, both my DD's have grown up to be beautiful, smart individuals.
I will take your advice onboard and i thank you

I feel really sorry for your 18 year old daughter having to explain her sex life to anyone.

Good for you xenon - how did the girls take the news?
Did they say how she / the relationship made them feel?
It is really important that this is dragged out and they are heard and their feelings validated. They are at a very impressionable time in their lives - 5 years through their teenage years when their own identity is being built and their self esteem is particularly vulnerable. Then watching at close range how an unequal and toxic relationship played out. They need to know this was all very wrong.