Partner of 6 years wants to live seperately

[Xenon888]

OK. This is going to be a little long winded but will try to keep it as short as possible.
I have been with my partner for nearly 6 years. Lived together for 5 of those years. We have built a house together and been finishing it off these past 2 years. I have 2 daughters aged 17 and 18 that live with me 24/7. My partner has shared custody of her 2 children aged 11 and 13 that she has for 3 nights a week.
About 5 months ago my partner walked in on my eldest daughter (18) having sex with her boyfriend in my daughters bedroom. My partner went off about it and told the boyfriend to get out the house. He apparently wouldn't leave because my daughter told him to wait until she was ready to leave too. All crap hit the fan, as my daughter told my partner that she is not to tell me about the situation as she is not family and that it is her place to tell me about what happened. Which they did, they came back an hour or so later and sat down and told me what had happened as I was out at the time collecting my other daughter from sports training.
To cut a long story short, we sat down and had a chat with my daughter a few days later and a few things was said by both my partner and my daughter that put them both at loggerheads. Now, my daughter did appologise a few days later and admitted that what she had said was out of anger and my partner said that she understood and accepted her apology.
I supported my partner 100% as she said she needed time to sort things out in her head and that my daughters boyfriend was not welcome back into the house until she had sorted out her head in this and that she did have a time period specified. Well, after 3 months of this i started to question my partner when she would be happy to have my daughters boyfriend over for a chat to try and sort this situation out, as I was seeing less and less of my daughter as her boyfriend would pull up outside of the house and they would leave. Then my daughter would return later on in the evening and go straight to bed as she had to up for university each day. This would turn into an argument each time as she held the ace card of " I did not give a specified period of time" each time we spoke about it.
Even close friends had told her that this has gone on for far to long and she really need to get it sorted out rather than keep this animosity going. But she is adamant that she will not listen to other peoples opinions as they don't live here etc etc etc. Well it has got to the point now where she wants to sell the house and live under separate roofs as she seems to feel that she can no longer live with my daughter as she apparently ignores her. (I don't see that myself as my daughter always says hello and has a chat with her when she comes home), but again, apparently my daughter acts differently when i am around. I don't know who to believe anymore as i seem to get 2 different stories from each of them when i try to resolve the situation. I seem to be stuck in the middle of things all the time.
I must admit though. My eldest daughter did have massive jealousy issues when i started going out with my partner, but i put this down to the fact that my wife walked out on me and my daughters when they were 5 and 6 years of age and wanted very little to do with her children from then on. so i brought my girls up on my own for 7 years before i met my new partner.
Anyway, we are currently about to put the house on the market to sell but because of the housing crash here at the moment we will make virtually nothing back on the property. Yet another thing i am being blamed for as she put about $80K into the house.
She says she still wants to stay together but live under separate roofs but i am having trouble understanding how this is going to work as she plans on moving 45mins away. Not that this is to far, but living together for 5 years and then living separately.
We had plans initially of selling up next year, moving nearer her children so she have them a week on week off, but all this seems to of gone now because of this situation.
Is it just me or does none of this actually make sense. I can not seem to join the dots in this. Why would my partner wish to live under separate roofs but still stay together. All over a dispute that she, and only she had the power to resolve but refuses to do so. If she sat down and had a chat with my daughters boyfriend it would all be resolved. I just don't understand it.
Confused

Oh bloody hell.

I still wouldn’t move out!

Out of respect i wouldnt have had sex in my mums house (not sure if you are mum or dad here). So I get your partner's point.
But: she went way OTT is now expecting everyone to beg her. No chance. I would happily live apart.

Cloudyblueskies
Was not going to initially, but i have got to the point now where i am not going to subject My DD's or myself to this situation any longer. DP wont move out as yet as she is adamant she wont sell until she makes at least her portion back that she put into the house. I, on the other hand, have no intention of staying here for the property prices to rise to make my portion back too. I think the sanity of myself and the well being of my DD's far out way financial gains.
Yes, i realise a lot of people out there will disagree with my decision, but i choose my family over money ant day of the week

sanssherif
I am the Dad.
Yes agreed. WAY OTT

I think that in a very short period of time you will feel that a weight has lifted and you will have a huge sense of relief. You might want to get some support / counselling for yourself as it sounds like you have been in an emotionally confusing (toxic? abusive?) relationship yourself with this woman.

Enjoy having your DDs back at the centre of your world.

I would also seek independent legal advice as to how to force a sale and split the proceeds unless you want to be financially enmeshed with this person for years. Also with a falling market I would be getting out sooner rather than later - before you are in negative equity.
Good luck

So she's staying in the house? Hmmm sounds dodgy to me. You put in money and time and effort. Don't be so soft and see what you can get out of it

another20
I think your very right. I can already see a light at the end of the tunnel on this one.
To be honest. The way the market is here at the moment and after having an appraisal done on the house, it looks at though with real estate fees removed, the sale of the house will just about cover the outstanding mortgage. So really not any money in it worth chasing

Musti
As my post above indicates. No money worth chasing or fighting for.
Think i am better off cutting losses and going

Fair play to you OP for sticking with your DC

I tend to agree with pp ,I don't really do armchair diagnosis so whatever's going on I'll term it as your DP behaving in a narcisstic way for whatever that reason is

The getting her head round it thing is ridiculous and controlling...effecticely she makes everyone wait on her say so to move forward, no-one in a household should have that power

I would argue the separate houses issue is about money and again controlling , she knows you originally didn't want that so you'll end up seeking her time and attention which if someone exhibits narcisstic behaviours feeds their need

You say she's your soul mate but you come across as considered rational and thoughtful (I fully accept however we do only have one side of the story) and I doubt your soulmate is someone who is controlling petty and childish somehow

Good luck op

Good for you!

Have you told your DP and daughters that the three of you are leaving?

Wanted to write last night so here goes.
Well done OP
As i had said I Ihad my step son at 30 with us for 3 years.
Always put the kids first.
It is hard I know.
But any major issues like you had was sorted in. 24 hours.
Brought out in the open.
Discussed. Maybe a few raised voices. And a bit of strompping
But then back to normal.
No sulking for 3/5 months. Lifes too short.

Good for you OP. Move on and don’t look back.

I will reiterate getting legal advice as her modus operandi is to dig her heels in to control the situation. You need to be in a position legally to force a sale - sooner rather than later. If you are just breaking even now - you could be in negative equity in 6 months time. Who’s name is the mortgage in?

Also have read of the books again and anticipate her standard NPD behaviours that will likely follow - you calling the shots won’t go down well - but ignore the attempts to reel you back in with false promises and weather the rages.

Your do wants to end the relationship without having to deal with the ending of a relationship.

Your dp behaved, and continues to behave, in a disgraceful way towards your daughter. You dp burst in to your daughter’s room knowing she would find her in a vulnerable state. She then stayed in there to make your daughter feel the most violated and vulnerable ahe could while she was in a state of undress being aggressive with her, demanded her bf leave at that point, with your dp still there, so she could humiliate him? She is disgusting to do this to anyone. Your daugter is an adult.

If your dp was a decent person, she would have stayed out of the room and raised it later.

There are wYs and means to deal with people who break your rules, Although i really think you need to be honest with yourself over why you have this rule, and your dp’s way isnt it.

Gettingbackonmyfeet
Thanks for your words.

ellaV
Yes i have told DD's and DP.
DD's are happy and DP seems ok with it as this is what she wanted

Robin2323
Thanks and I agree fully.
ANY dispute or argument shroud be resolved as soon as is physically possible. Not left to fester for months and months. This was my whole argument with DP from the start

another20
Thanks.
The mortgage is in both our names, so, when i decide to move out and stop paying my half of the mortgage then she will have no choice to market and sell as quickly as possible as she will then be liable for the entirety of the mortgage. That is the way it works here seeing as it is i joint names. There is no equity (or very little) in the house so a quick sale would be beneficial to all.
I have changed my stance over the past couple of days with her, including leaving the room when she gets in a mood about something (instead of sitting there with her and trying to sort whatever her problem is/was), told her that i am not wiling to finish off doing up the house as i will have any financial gain by doing so etc, (as i did all the work here tiling, painting landscaping etc, and found a massive difference in her behavior. More moody, less talkative and more argumentative. (which i tend to walk away from now). But i suppose i was to expect that

C0untDucku1a
Yes, maybe you are right. But once I move out the true answer will be known. Either it will work out better or it will end. Either way I have made my peace with myself.
Think the controlling thing is def a correct statement though as the first 4 years we lived together was in the house i was renting. She seemed to change once we moved into our house we built between us. The first 4 years living with her was fine. We obviously had the odd dispute and situation arise in this time, but anything that arose was sorted quickly and we moved on from them. Now though...... different story

Hi op, I've just read the full thread and it seems you have toughened up regarding your dp.

My humble opinion is that you're doing the right thing 100% and when you are gone your dp will regret her behaviour as I don't believe she thinks you will do it. And mean it.

You sound lovely and have truly tried your best to salvage the relationship but sadly, sometimes it's not meant to be.

Your girls had a rough start with their younger life I assume and you've given them the love and stability to help become what they are today and for that you should be very proud.

Don't settle for someone who you think doesn't love you the same. Never settle.
Your ds's will be happier out of the house and so will you. Whether or not the relationship survives this is anyone's guess but I would honestly say to you that she cannot continue blaming your dd for her MH problems, that is low.
Let her sort her head out and if there are no changes then I would cut my losses. You sound like a good man and have done a great job with your girls.

Very best of luck to you.

Zoflorabore
Thank you for your kind words.

Update to last weeks thread.
Have sat down and had a chat regarding the house, relationship, etc.
She still insists that she wants to stay together as a couple but live under separate roofs etc. Even though i have told her that i am not willing to finish off the house myself as i see it as a waste of time on my part to put all the effort in and get no financial return, which seemed ok with and understood my point.
We had been talking of buying, renovating and renting properties out over the past year or so on a 50/50 split , something of which she still wants and is keen to do.
So, still very unsure whether a "split up" is her intention seeing as she still wants to get this plan up and running in the near future.

Oh, and just to let you know. I still have every intention of moving out of the house in the next few weeks with my DD"s.
This i am 100% certain of

By successfully getting you 3 out,

Will she be able to move her 2 in?

We had been talking of buying, renovating and renting properties out over the past year or so on a 50/50 split , something of which she still wants and is keen to do.

I wouldn't be doing this if I was you.

Keep on with your plans to move out and maintain your stance on not putting more money into the house.