Partner of 6 years wants to live seperately

[Xenon888]

OK. This is going to be a little long winded but will try to keep it as short as possible.
I have been with my partner for nearly 6 years. Lived together for 5 of those years. We have built a house together and been finishing it off these past 2 years. I have 2 daughters aged 17 and 18 that live with me 24/7. My partner has shared custody of her 2 children aged 11 and 13 that she has for 3 nights a week.
About 5 months ago my partner walked in on my eldest daughter (18) having sex with her boyfriend in my daughters bedroom. My partner went off about it and told the boyfriend to get out the house. He apparently wouldn't leave because my daughter told him to wait until she was ready to leave too. All crap hit the fan, as my daughter told my partner that she is not to tell me about the situation as she is not family and that it is her place to tell me about what happened. Which they did, they came back an hour or so later and sat down and told me what had happened as I was out at the time collecting my other daughter from sports training.
To cut a long story short, we sat down and had a chat with my daughter a few days later and a few things was said by both my partner and my daughter that put them both at loggerheads. Now, my daughter did appologise a few days later and admitted that what she had said was out of anger and my partner said that she understood and accepted her apology.
I supported my partner 100% as she said she needed time to sort things out in her head and that my daughters boyfriend was not welcome back into the house until she had sorted out her head in this and that she did have a time period specified. Well, after 3 months of this i started to question my partner when she would be happy to have my daughters boyfriend over for a chat to try and sort this situation out, as I was seeing less and less of my daughter as her boyfriend would pull up outside of the house and they would leave. Then my daughter would return later on in the evening and go straight to bed as she had to up for university each day. This would turn into an argument each time as she held the ace card of " I did not give a specified period of time" each time we spoke about it.
Even close friends had told her that this has gone on for far to long and she really need to get it sorted out rather than keep this animosity going. But she is adamant that she will not listen to other peoples opinions as they don't live here etc etc etc. Well it has got to the point now where she wants to sell the house and live under separate roofs as she seems to feel that she can no longer live with my daughter as she apparently ignores her. (I don't see that myself as my daughter always says hello and has a chat with her when she comes home), but again, apparently my daughter acts differently when i am around. I don't know who to believe anymore as i seem to get 2 different stories from each of them when i try to resolve the situation. I seem to be stuck in the middle of things all the time.
I must admit though. My eldest daughter did have massive jealousy issues when i started going out with my partner, but i put this down to the fact that my wife walked out on me and my daughters when they were 5 and 6 years of age and wanted very little to do with her children from then on. so i brought my girls up on my own for 7 years before i met my new partner.
Anyway, we are currently about to put the house on the market to sell but because of the housing crash here at the moment we will make virtually nothing back on the property. Yet another thing i am being blamed for as she put about $80K into the house.
She says she still wants to stay together but live under separate roofs but i am having trouble understanding how this is going to work as she plans on moving 45mins away. Not that this is to far, but living together for 5 years and then living separately.
We had plans initially of selling up next year, moving nearer her children so she have them a week on week off, but all this seems to of gone now because of this situation.
Is it just me or does none of this actually make sense. I can not seem to join the dots in this. Why would my partner wish to live under separate roofs but still stay together. All over a dispute that she, and only she had the power to resolve but refuses to do so. If she sat down and had a chat with my daughters boyfriend it would all be resolved. I just don't understand it.
Confused

TheStoic
I don't think it has much to do with age. I think it has more to do with the longevity of the relationship and how well you know the boyfriend

How well YOU know the boyfriend?

Stoic you win the thread for the most pointless, irrelevant and idiotic posts.

^^ what wherearemymarbles said.

Deliberately obtuse.

I think she is saying she wants to keep the relationship to appease you. Rather than face the wrath of a proper split...You split up houses and it will naturally 'die out' and not be her fault. It's a cowards way out of a relationship

I think your partner is being unreasonable and trying to get you to choose between herself and your daughter. There is no choice. Your daughter has done nothing wrong other than be a young adult. Maybe living separately would be a good thing, sad, but good - it sounds like your partner has already made her choice.

Butterfly44
Yes you may be right.
I doubt very much that the relationship will last very long after we move out into separate houses anyway.

willyloman
Yes she has made her choice.
But, i will always choose my DD over a partner.
It is sad that it has come to this, rather than being and adult about things and sorting the issue out, but hey, some people tend to hold grudges for unacceptable periods of time, but that is their problem i suppose

fwiw, I think a lot of damage happens in this world because of this abstract notion of 'respect'. Sure you can fall back on the old fashioned and my house my rules stuff, but they fail to really engage with the reality. As many have said, your DD is an adult, this is her home, she's in a relationship, and however old fashioned you may be, this is 2018. Do you expect her to rent hotel rooms to have sex with her DP? To bring in this issue of respect is the seed that has grown into this frankly ridiculous situation, where the entirely understandable, not really that big deal act of your DD having sex with her DP has led to the breakdown of your relationship. There are obviously other things going on and on the whole it sounds like you're better off out of the relationship anyway, but it doesn't help that that your DP can claim this (fake) moral highground and that you initially sided with her, because of your DD's disrespect. Your DD sounds pretty sensible and conciliatory and I applaud your unequivocal decision to put your DC first, so I think to take anything positive from this it would be to ditch the (inherited?) old fashioned ideas of respect and just find your own way to live with your DD as adults.

Also, and not making a thing of it, but I'd assumed throughout that you and DP were both women (due to having full custody of DCs) whereas others have assumed you're a man. It wouldn't necessarily make any difference except in the 'jealous female' theory that's arising, which might be more complex in a same-sex relationship. Do you want to clarify? (sorry if you have and I've missed it)

I don't think the issue is the DD. What's done is done and their business. How she handled it may be right/wrong... but the issue at hand is the DP who supposedly now wants to live separately but still maintain a relationship with the OP.

Sorry, but I think she wants to split and isn't being honest in telling you that. Which isn't fair as it keeps you hanging on, Just in case.

pinkdelight
HI, i am a man and DP is a woman. I have had full custody of both by DDs since they are 5 and 6 years of age.

Butterfly44
Thanks. I do appreciate the advice

Why didn't she knock before entering your DDs bedroom? Why was she going in there anyway? Maybe she was having a good listen outside

I'd never pick such an insensitive, inflexible person as this over my child, that's for sure. Her pettiness as a grown adult in continuing this situation is unbelievable. So an argument/misunderstanding can't ever be resolved, she's always right it's her way or the highway?

Why on earth have you let this drag on for so long? So passive..allowing your partner to actively let the situation get this far. How must your DD feel? You're her dad - stand up for her

No matter what your house rules are, she is shaming your DD. You know it, and so does your DD. At 18 she's an adult and she was in her own room.

Your partner moving out but 'living separately' is her spiteful ultimatum ie "It's me or your DD"

If you've any sense you will let her move on and live separately, out of your life completely.

Just adding my two pence, she told your dd boyfriend to get out of her house that she paid for and he refused?

He wouldn't be coming back in my house either, cheeky little shit!

The boyfriend only waited because the girl friend asked him to wait while she got ready (quickly) to leave with him. As she probably wanted to be as far away from sm as possible. After having being made to feel like a three year old.
This was a long term boyfriend.
And I've been knocking at my kids doors before going in for years.
Works both ways.
My son always knocks before coming in our room.
He also learnt the hard way to knock after walking in on me and his dad half way through lol

She wants to split up but it trying to make things run smoothly by acting like she wants to stay in a relationship with you so it doesn’t get messy when Selling and splitting the house.

She probably resents your dds and misses her own kids and just wants out.

And I do think it’s an over reaction to your dd boyfriend.

Will she be kicking her sons partners out of they sleep to gether?

Your daughter sounds immaculately behaved, well balanced and polite. Quite an achievement for someone abandoned by her own mother - so well done to you for forging that bond and nurturing her. However she will carry deep emotional trauma from this, she will be emotionally vulnerable even if you can’t see it on the outside. She will always need you to have her back even when she makes a mistake.

She needs support and compassion not some rocket fuelled aggression, escalating rage, banishment, disrespect, scapegoating and animosity from some “selfish and nasty” woman for 5 long months with no end in sight.

She broke a rule came back to face the consequences and her responsibilities, then talked it through and apologised.

I get the house rule - but were the house consequences / punishments for breaking this rule ever agreed by BOTH of you? Why does this vile woman get to dictate punishments unilaterally to YOUR child?

You know that your DP is out of order. She is wielding power over you all with her indecision / her rage - you all have to walk on eggshells and wait til she declares peace? In the mean time you are seeing your DD “less and less”. It is not in your DP interests to resolve this as she is getting what she wants - driving your DD out of her own home.

Don’t bother trying to work out your DP - there is masses of evidence to show she is unhinged / abusive / NPD (traits at least). Concentrate your efforts back on your DDs - try to understand the damage such a person will have done to these vulnerable girls over their teenage years, and look to put it right. Google daughters of Narc mothers.

You are not “stuck in the middle” it is clear to all including your lovely DD what is going on - listen to them, ask them how she makes them FEEL - if it is less than loved, cherished, supported - get rid. Your girls do not need to be the recipient of this toxic woman’s moods and rages.

Why are you hanging about waiting for her to decide when your relationship is over.

Take back the power - do it for your girls - SHOW them that they are your priority.

MistressDeeCee
Thanks for your reply.
Yes i am making the decision of moving out into another place with my DD's. I did not let this drag on for this long. I started questioning her actual thoughts after nearly months because she did not seem interested in trying to resolve anything, hence the increase in arguments between myself and DP. This is why it has got to this stage

Bluecloudyskies
Yes maybe she is.
But i have already made it clear to her that i am going to walk away fro the house and that i want nothing from it (not that I would be getting much anyway seeing as the housing crash has happened).

Bluecloudyskies
She will actually see less of her kids when she gets the week on week off situation, as at the moment she gets them every weekend from Fri pm to Mon am,
No, I dont think she would be reacting like this if she caught her sons dong the same thing when they get older. This has been an arguement of mine with her. As i explained that if the shoe was on the other foot then she would be coming to me after a few weeks telling me that i need to get over it, etc etc

another20
Thank you for your kind words.
My DD's know that i am ALWAYS there for them if they have a problem.
Yes, I realise my DP actually had no intention of trying to resolve this and that is why the arguements started. (and there have been many).
I have sat down and talked several times with my DD's regarding this situation as they they know i will always have their backs in life.
I have packed up most of my belongings and will moving out with my DD's as soon as is feasible.

Can I just ask where you are as I’m in the NW and my house price has gone up - by £35,000 (in three years)

We’re not really experiencing the ‘crash’

I wouldn’t leave that house. The issue is hers not yours

Your DP is not resolving this situation with your DD's BF, because not doing so has given her a degree of control over you and your DD. To make things better from her POV and worse from yours, she has made your DD feel so shamed and uncomfortable that she only returns to the house to sleep! I'd end the relationship with your DP right now. She's controlling, manipulative and unpleasant, from what you've said, and I wouldn't mind betting that she's enjoying having this hold over you and your older DD. I'd urge her to go and tell her not to let the door hit her on the way out!

Cloudyblueskies
Australia