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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to make of this?

394 replies

Saturdaynightthoughts · 01/09/2018 23:08

Received a text today after no contact from DH all day - He's been out with friends.

It states:

I'll never understand why you want me to go but I'm at the station for another 30 minutes x

Is it me or does this seem a little... weird/strange/random? No contact as I said since he left this morning and I anticipate he's probably drunk

OP posts:
ohamIreally · 07/09/2018 05:20

OP you have him right he is selfish and cowardly. It is bewildering because you can't imagine how someone you've loved and lived with can behave in this way. To go from next of kin to stranger in 24 hours.

To answer your question yes he does see DD but only in the holidays, has gone 12 weeks without seeing her and rarely calls her. I know it hurt her deeply at first. He has absolved himself of any of the responsibility of parenting and I do it alone. At times I hate him for it but am very careful to cultivate a positive outlook on life as I'm aware that hatred and bitterness can consume a person and I don't want him to destroy what's left of my life.

winegal · 07/09/2018 06:38

I don't have personal experience with this but it happened to my best friend (except the baby was 1 month old when he walked). He gives the odd phone call (by which I mean about once a year!)

The baby is now 11 and can see exactly what a waster he is. However she thinks my friend (her mum) is a rockstar! She idolises her and my friend has got a whole lifetime of fun and love and friendship to look forward to with her daughter.

He on the other hand lives a very miserable existence.

You can do this OP, you are amazing! Thanks

Original poster
Saturdaynightthoughts · 07/09/2018 07:12

No, he's not military & they're not used to him not being around.
It may not have always been 'quality time' but they did see him almost every day even if only for a max of 1 hour some days.

OP posts:
Flatasapancakenow · 07/09/2018 07:49

I'd get the locks changed so he can't just waltz in and out as he pleases.

Auntpetunia2015 · 07/09/2018 08:23

I'd get the locks changed so he can't just waltz in and out as he pleases

DON’T do this. It’s legally still his home (if he’s on deeds and is paying mortgage). My ex can still let himself in if he wants. He doesn’t he has nothing here and I asked him not to. What I would do is move and store securely all bank documents birth certificates passports etc.
Good luck again today.

fuzzyfozzy · 07/09/2018 08:45

Try to be childfriendly/honest.
Daddy us finding somewhere else to stay, when he's sorted he'll ring??
It's fucking hard to be the one to talk to them but I guess them need some level of understanding?

ohamIreally · 07/09/2018 08:59

No you can't change the locks but you can put a lock on your bedroom door and clear all his stuff out of it so that you know at least you have a private space. You might want to keep passports and certificates in there too.

Original poster
Saturdaynightthoughts · 07/09/2018 09:55

I've already been advised that I can't change the locks. I'm hoping once he's ready to be reasonable (if ever!) that he'll agree to hand over his key.
I hate going out not knowing if I'll come back to him here / more things gone.

OP posts:
wheresthehope · 07/09/2018 09:57

Be strong op.. you deserve so much better!

Auntpetunia2015 · 07/09/2018 11:16

Text him and tell him you would appreciate him giving you notice if he intends to enter the house. I would definitely get a lock on the bedroom door and tell him stuff is in the garage or wherever so there is no need for him to be in your room or the house.

CraftyYankee · 07/09/2018 11:57

Yes to a lock on the bedroom door.

Where are you with financials and legal advice? He sounds like the type to try and pay as little maintenance as possible, unfortunately.

Mrstobe90 · 07/09/2018 12:26

You're dealing with this so well!

I really hope that he realises that his kids deserve better than his shitty behaviour! He needs to step up and be a father... he's just unbelievable!

Stay strong xxx

granadagirl · 07/09/2018 12:35

My ex was exactly the same
Stayed out all night, came home 7am next morn(because she was on early shift) and wanted to go to bed he was tired! Wtf

I wasn’t as wise then, so I rang his mum to tell her
She came round and took him(s grown man to there’s)
Ds was crying (4) because he saw dad with suitcase and he wanted to go to the beach as well! (Thought he was going on holiday)

Would only ever see him when she was on shift so fitted around her
Ds was the last in the picking line
And then he was taken to his mums so she could look after him whilst he prob sat on his area watching football
Told him to f.... off, no way does ds come last

Ds went in hospital for op at 5
Didn’t even come with us, said he was working. I rang his work he wasn’t in!! I was fuming
Turned up next day, with soft toy and I let rip on him
Didn’t even carry him down corridor to get taxi home

Don’t get me started on the horrible things he did. The other woman and him were leading a singles life (no kids) and I was left with all decisions/child care etc
I actually preferred it after a while, no hassle, arguing and promises that weren’t kept

He’s spineless
He’s keeping away because he doesn’t know who to chose YET!
He’ll say he’s been sorting his head out. Lol

I wouldn’t even text him, no you can’t change the locks. But if you have alarm change the number Smile

For the time being tell the kids daddy’s as gone away with work for a while. And they will see him when he get back.

Be kind to yourself, try not to think what the spineless t... is doing
As that will grind you down no end
I know it’s hard.

He obviously knows the timings of when your out, prob sat waiting in a road nearby.

Put the other things in black plastic bags and leave outside
Then send text, come and get them

Hugs to you and the kids x

granadagirl · 07/09/2018 12:45

Just a thought, is the money still going in the joint acct or bill acct?
To pay for things?

Hit him where it hurts, money
If he can spend that amount going out per month! What do you and the kids get?
Treat yourself on him x

RavenLG · 07/09/2018 12:48

Oh op. I have no words to help Flowers

Your friend is seriously missguided, his actions are SCREAMING right now. I'd question her reasoning tbh.

I'd glad the DC are settling well at school.

You seem very composed and you have your head screwed on. I'm glad you're getting all your 'ducks in a row' so to speak. He sounds like an absolute waste of space and you we're essentially running your household alone anyway so his lack of presence won't be missed too much.

Flatasapancakenow · 07/09/2018 12:59

Is he on the deeds and paying towards the mortgage? I didn't think you'd mentioned it. If he is fair enough, can't change the locks, if he isn't I wouldn't be giving him free access to my house .

Flatasapancakenow · 07/09/2018 13:08

Sorry OP I missed the part where you said you'd been advised not to change the locks.

I just really feel for you having him walking in whenever.

fuzzyfozzy · 07/09/2018 13:39

Could you accidentally leave the bolt on the front door and start using the back door?
But definitely get a lock on your room

ohamIreally · 07/09/2018 17:03

I got a lock on my room door as cleaner told me she came in one day (I was at work) and he was lying on my bed watching TV. I got the lock the next day, bought new bedding and felt quite a bit better as a result. Cost about £130.

SomeKnobend · 07/09/2018 17:18

You'd have to change the locks if you lost your key. I would lose the shit out of my key as soon as fucking possible. What a cowardly, slimy cunt creeping in during school run.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/09/2018 17:25

Wow OP - just caught up.
This is a nightmare for you.
What a total cunt he is.
The more you write the more I wonder why you stayed with him so long.
You sound really strong and you'll get through this.
You will have a big crash soon though, so be prepared.

You can't change the locks but you could 'add' and extra one for extra security!?

Try to have a lovely weekend with your DC.
And don't keep his dirty secret.
You owe him nothing.
And when you tell the DC do NOT take any of the blame.
None of this 'mummy and daddy fell out'
YOU didn't fall out. He's a liar and a cheat, and I suspect takes drugs too.

Keep strong with the DC and cry when they are in bed.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 07/09/2018 20:35

As you have no idea where he is staying I would change the locks on the basis you don't know who has access to his keys tbh. Send him a message saying you can't be sure the house is safe and he has to make arrangements to collect his stuff or it will be at mil's at.......date.
Your peace of mind home alone trumps his rights.

AdaColeman · 07/09/2018 20:45

Keep a list of anything valuable that he has taken from the house, as this will be used in the final division of assets.

Stay strong Saturday, though it's horrible nd distressing I know! Thanks

CarlyJayne1987 · 07/09/2018 21:14

What an absolute shit...

does he have a back door key??

stick a chain on your front door and use your back door??

also agree with moving documents and papers/passports etc...dont leave them where he ould find them

or get a safe.

WittyFuck · 07/09/2018 21:29

Shocking O P. None of you will miss him much really because you have been the mainstay of your family. I suspect this has been going on for a while, so be prepared to find out the worst!

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