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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Constant lies

147 replies

Confused678 · 01/09/2018 16:23

My partner has always lied, at the start it was just insignificant things and I didn't really think much about it. Now it seems like it is constant, he lies about where he is, who he's with, why he doesn't have enough money for bills for the month etc etc. He told me he was staying at a friend's, his friend actually spoke with me the other week and it turns out he was away - I asked my partner about it and he said I was being too controlling and that it was none of my business where he was.

The other day he asked me to take him to a training day, he said it was on a different site to usual. I drove him there and he said he didn't know where it was (even though he said he's been there plenty of times before). He told me he would just get out of the car and walk round until he found it. I said I didn't mind driving him and he got angry and shouted in front of DC and slammed the car door. I just left him to it and drove home.

He is just acting really strange at the moment but I don't want to keep questioning it and he just says that I can't keep controlling him.

I just don't know if he is a compulsive liar, if something else is going on or maybe i am controlling. Anyone been in a similar situation?x

OP posts:
HereIgoagainxx · 01/09/2018 16:28

And why are you accepting this? He's clearly a loser.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/09/2018 16:31

I would say that yes, it's highly likely that he's up to something. No, I don't think it sounds as if you're being controlling. He's overly defensive which is a red flag

But then, so too were the "insignificant" lies early on. I think you were foolish to dismiss those as minor.

UnscriptedTruth · 01/09/2018 16:31

The more interesting question is why this liar is your partner. You live in a free country, right?

GertrudeCB · 01/09/2018 16:42

Lost his job?
Affair?
He sounds like a total shit and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

Airflight303 · 01/09/2018 16:51

I could of wrote that 5 years ago, never ending constant little lies, went on for years, sometimes the lies were really odd, n he would make up really elaborate stories,. I loved him so much I would sweep it all under the carpet, but they were always there in the back of my mind.
Drove me insane, so much so he would make out that I was paranoid n crazy!!!
Eventually the lies got bigger and bigger, and more weird and strange!!! This went on for another 4/5 years.
Then out of the blue I got a message to say my husband was on dating sites.
Sure enough he was and he had had an inappropriate relationship with someone else whilst we were married a few years before.
I'm not saying this is like your story, I hope to god its not. Could all be innocent. But
Seriously trust your gut, I wish to god I had.
I wasted to many years on a lying cheating bastard who decived and betrayed me for many years.
I wish you luck x

NotTheFordType · 01/09/2018 16:56

Is he your DC's father?

Original poster
Confused678 · 01/09/2018 17:47

Thanks for your replies. I know, I feel like I've missed so many red flags. I don't even feel like I can accuse him of anything as I don't want to cause more issues. He said he isn't doing anything wrong and I don't have to know everything about his life but he's just so snappy when I just try to show an interest. He used to be more helpful with the house, DC etc but now he just expects his tea on the table when he gets in, me to organise everything for DC and the house to be spotless even though I work same hours as him.

Today he's decided that he wants to put his name on the mortgage (he hasn't previously as his financial situation was bad). I put the deposit in and I pay more towards everything each month and now with all this I feel like he's going to use this against me.

@NotTheFordType yes both DC are his. @Airflight303 that sounds so similar, sorry to read you've been through a similar situation. I have also had a friend tell me someone has seen a profile of his on a dating site but I don't know for sure. He is constantly on his phone so I guess I won't be surprised.

@

OP posts:
Riojasmooth · 01/09/2018 17:51

I wouldn't want his name on my mortgage!
Two children together and you don't have a right to know where he is?
What if you went off for days and lied about it?
I would get rid, he's not hoing to change and clearly has little to no respect for you sadly.

Yankeescot · 01/09/2018 18:07

Sounds EXACTLY like my exH!! My experience was the same as Airflight303. He was such a shady MF, having multiple affairs and lied about everything constantly! He was very skilled at it! When I finally started catching him out on lies after a few years, he tried to tell friends and family that I was delusional, paranoid and imaging things.

Until everything came out in the open. OP, he really sounds up to something. I'd go meet that friend that told you about dating website and have a wee looky loo. I wouldn't doubt for a second that he's messing around, Don't put him on the mortgage! Any chance you can check his phone?

milestoneBD · 01/09/2018 18:15

No! Do NOT put his name on your mortgage.

You are not married, he has had no input financially - do not give away half your house by marrying him. Once the ink is dry on the marriage licence, he can claim half of that, your pension, your savings...

he got angry and shouted in front of DC and slammed the car door.

He is only your partner - lucky woman! Ask him to leave nicely, if he becomes abusive, get help to get rid of him. Police, if necessary. You don't need a reason, just not trusting him is enough.
Any show of anger, especially in front of your children is an immediate red card, and should be reported to the Police.
Protect yourself, protect your children, protect your childrens' financial future.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/09/2018 18:40

How have you drifted into a scenario whereby you work the same hours, but you hav got lumbered with all the cooking and cleaning? What would happen if, when he complains it's not spotless, you suggested he get on with doing some cleaning?

Airflight303 · 01/09/2018 18:56

Just be careful and trust your gut. Before the truth came out I had absolutely no proof or evidence of anything, he wS always on his phone, I use to say stuff about it, but he said I was crazy n he would never do anything like that.
He looked me dead in the eye, swore on his kids and mother's life there was no one else!!!!
We were together 14years, married 6 and have 4 children.
I thought I knew the man I was married to,
Turns out I didn't know him at all. X

Original poster
Confused678 · 02/09/2018 08:51

Thank you for sharing your experiences, they do sound shady and so like my DP.

I don't know about the mortgage. I mean this year he's just acted really differently. He's nice most of the time but can change moods so quickly. Last month we argued about one of his lies and he started to shout. I told him to calm down as DC were in the house so he shut the door and dragged me across the room and on to the couch and continued to shout. I don't want him on the mortgage if this is how he's going to be.

I don't know why the house situation has changed. He says his job is more demanding and I make all the mess so I should be the one to sort it out.

X

OP posts:
Riojasmooth · 02/09/2018 08:55

he shut the door and dragged me across the room and on to the couch and continued to shout.
So he's a lying, aggressive bully. Is this what you want your children thinking a relationship should look like? Pack his bags for him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/09/2018 09:10

Abusive men OP can be nice sometimes but its an act that is never maintained. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse you are also seeing from him (quite apart from his constant lying to you) is a continuous one. He thinks nothing of you and considers you to have MUG written on your forehead.

He needs to be gone now from your day to day lives; he is simply further dragging you and these children down with him.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example were you shown?. How is it that you are with someone like this now, how did you get here to this low point in your lives with this bloke?. Would you want your children to be with someone like this man in their adult relationship, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. I also think you minimised his red flags early on in this relationship also at great cost to yourself now.

And do not ever add his name to your mortgage.

Cambionome · 02/09/2018 09:19

Honestly, op - read through what you've written here and then run as fast as you can.

NonaGrey · 02/09/2018 09:22

Honest people don’t lie.

Why would you want a dishonest person in the mortgage with you?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 02/09/2018 09:34

He looked me dead in the eye, swore on his kids and mother's life there was no one else!!!!

That is invariably a sure-fire indicator that someone is lying through their teeth!

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 02/09/2018 09:35

I don't want him on the mortgage if this is how he's going to be.

You don't want him on the mortgage ANYWAY!

picklepost · 02/09/2018 09:49

This is very sad. Your standards are dreadfully low, you are living with a man who is extremely dishonest, unkind, disrespectful and aggressive.

How do you think you have ended up in this relationship? A gradual slide? Or have you always expected so little for yourself?

If you were on your deathbed looking back on your life, how is it you would wish it to look?
Surely you want more than this?

Original poster
Confused678 · 02/09/2018 10:24

I don't really know how it's got to this. Nearly 10 years has just gone by and I guess it's not been great but it's not be horrendous (shouting and a few other incidents aside). Maybe my standards have always been low and I've just pretended things are great. I sometimes just feel it's easier to do that and sacrifice the being completely happy as I'm not even sure in relationship terms, what that is.

Sorry for moaning about things. Feeling pretty shit trying to balance it all so thank you all for your replies.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 02/09/2018 12:38

I couldn't be friends with someone like this never mind as a partner, if he's lying all the time he's not being his true self. Wouldn't you rather be with somebody who was genuine ?

SandyY2K · 02/09/2018 12:45

Take control and responsibility for this relationship. He treats you like crap because you tolerate it.

He assaulted you by dragging you. He verbally abuses you.... if you aren't married and his name isn't on the mortgage...get him to leave.

Life's too short to live like that.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 02/09/2018 13:07

I loathe and detest liars. It makes me extremely angry to be lied to, however seemingly minor the lie appears to be. It's making a fool of the recipient and showing a complete and utter disregard for them.

Yankeescot · 02/09/2018 16:52

Oh dear OP, he's got you right where he wants you. I bet he really turns on the charm offensive when he wants something from you(on the mortgage) and unless you are nicey nice little wifey that does what she's told he turns on you. When anyone can turn on a dime like that it's a sure sign of a manipulative abuser.

It's hard to see it when you're in it because you feel so confused. The constant lies are very difficult to deal with, little shit lies for no reason. I totally get it as I lived it too. It takes awhile to twig but once you do, you really start to doubt everything about him. And it's no way to live. My exH was such a serial liar he started to believe his own shit. For example, one time he went to pick up a very hot plate(after I said don't forget to use a potholder as plate is hot)he went to pick up the plate, burned his hands and dropped the plate on the kitchen floor and it all went flying everywhere. The first words out of his mouth? A normal person would have said Oh damn, forgot the potholder, OUCH! Or something like that. His response? I didn't do it, it wasn't me. WTAF? It was an accident, of course he did it, and it was an accident. Another time, I had to drop something off at his work and he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I asked where his wedding ring was. He responded that he was wearing it, I'm imagining he's not. When I was stood right there with his hand in front of me. Shit like this was so commonplace for him and absolutely did my nut in. Multiple times daily, it's exhausting. If any of the above types of examples sound familiar, my darlin you need to get away. I understand how it can mess with your head.

Vent away to us. But I will reiterate about meeting up with your friend to check out that dating site she saw him on.