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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Constant lies

147 replies

Confused678 · 01/09/2018 16:23

My partner has always lied, at the start it was just insignificant things and I didn't really think much about it. Now it seems like it is constant, he lies about where he is, who he's with, why he doesn't have enough money for bills for the month etc etc. He told me he was staying at a friend's, his friend actually spoke with me the other week and it turns out he was away - I asked my partner about it and he said I was being too controlling and that it was none of my business where he was.

The other day he asked me to take him to a training day, he said it was on a different site to usual. I drove him there and he said he didn't know where it was (even though he said he's been there plenty of times before). He told me he would just get out of the car and walk round until he found it. I said I didn't mind driving him and he got angry and shouted in front of DC and slammed the car door. I just left him to it and drove home.

He is just acting really strange at the moment but I don't want to keep questioning it and he just says that I can't keep controlling him.

I just don't know if he is a compulsive liar, if something else is going on or maybe i am controlling. Anyone been in a similar situation?x

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/09/2018 07:37

I hope you got out.
You need some headspace away from him.
The house can be sorted another time.
Get some RL support around you. Confide in someone if you can.
Well done.

C0untDucku1a · 08/09/2018 07:56

Good luck op. Get legal advice and get him out.

MissyMoooo · 08/09/2018 11:50

You sound like you having been living the life I used to live, trying to justify bad behaviour and thinking it was all my own fault. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. Good luck OP you can do it Thanks

Original poster
Confused678 · 08/09/2018 21:44

Thanks i just thought it best to get away to clear my head. He wants me to come back, says he will really go and get help with his anger etc.

I can only stay away briefly at DS needs to be back for school but family all think I should hear him out.

Feel a bit stuck now.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 08/09/2018 22:17

He won't change. I think you know this. Flowers

NoMudNoLotus · 08/09/2018 22:23

Do not go back ... youve taken this huge leap Thanks use this opportunity.

RabbitsAreTasty · 08/09/2018 22:30

Well if you have to go back for practical reasons then go back. You can go back and see if he actually goes ahead and gets help, engages with it and changes enough that you want to be with him. In parallel do everything you need to get away from him properly as soon as you can when this alleged getting help fails.

violetbunny · 08/09/2018 22:35

Please make sure you get legal advice, OP.

mrscloppity · 08/09/2018 22:36

I promise you, things will get better once you've made the right decision, which is to kick him out. Things will be hard at first but in 6 months time, you'll be so glad you stuck to your guns and ended it.

He's manipulative and a bully and you deserve better.

I grew up in a household where my stepdad bullied and beat us and my mum and she made so many excuses and gave him so many chances. It was awful. Be strong for your children and yourself and use the help that's out there.

This could be the beginning of a new life for you and your DC and a happy and safe one.

Do not hear him out - he's a liar.

You can do this Smile

Queenofmyownheart · 08/09/2018 22:50

My ex was a compulsive liar. It was ridiculous, a lot of it I didn't find out til I kicked his loser ass out. It ranged from weird little lies about his past to massive lies about finances and his girlfriend on the side 😂 I cottoned on pretty quick to his tendency to over exaggerate but didn't realise quite how deep it ran 😂

Tbh I'd be feeling a bit suspicious about his need to lie. You've got kids together why's he hiding stuff?

Queenofmyownheart · 08/09/2018 22:53

Just read a few more of your replies and honestly he sounds like a dick and he may actually be my ex 😂 get you and your kid safe and kick him to the curb, you deserve better.

picklepost · 08/09/2018 23:57

I think your family could be more supportive, to put it mildly, though I am unsurprised. If you had a very supportive family it's unlikely you'd have put up with your partner for 5mins because you'd recognise the difference between love and abuse.

So. I don't think you should return or "hear him out". I think you should say you can return when he has gone.

The relationship is toxic. He will not change. This is not love.

Hang in there. The hardest part was leaving and now you need to stay strong.

Rosemary46 · 09/09/2018 06:36

There’s nothing to stop him getting help once he’s moved out and you are separated.

Surely that will motivate him EVEN MORE ?

And a year down the line you will know if he’s a changed man Because you will see it in his actions. How he behaves over caring for his children, paying child support etc .

It will be obvious how he has changed . Or not.

Original poster
Confused678 · 09/09/2018 13:55

Yeah that's all so very true. Going to speak with him this evening when I get back, see what he so badly wants to tell me. I know that this isn't right now and it's not the environment i want for DC.

I'm not sure my family see this though because my sisters partners just walked out on her, left her with nothing etc. where as they see it that mine is (half of the time) good with DC, pays towards house and at least he's there kind of thing. Even though he's a bit of an arse at times.

I just dread having to try and kick him out because he's just going to create such a scene.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 09/09/2018 14:00

That's why people often ring 101 and give them a heads up. Give the address and say "look Im going to kick him out, he won't go quietly, there may be a domestic, I may have to ring you later and get you out here in a hurry, there are kids here"

Ariclock · 09/09/2018 14:11

I would do what Elsbeth recommends. Stay safe op Flowers

Original poster
Confused678 · 09/09/2018 15:42

Thanks for the tip! I've suggested going out to talk because I didn't want DC to be around.

I feel so much guilt for this. He's planning a nice night. Maybe I've made a massive mistake and not what I've made him out to be.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 09/09/2018 15:56

the only number you need is 999.. use it and get him out of YOUR home... your life ... your world...

and you need to stop falling for his 'nice' moments.. he's being nice because without your roof over his head your money in his pocket your food in his tummy.. your pillows under his head... he HAS NOTHING....

999 Flowers

HelenUrth · 09/09/2018 16:38

Please re-read some of what you've written -

"he lies about where he is, who he's with"
"He used to be more helpful with the house, DC etc but now he just expects his tea on the table when he gets in, me to organise everything for DC and the house to be spotless even though I work same hours as him. "
"he shut the door and dragged me across the room"
"I think he has basically screwed me...I'm now in loads of debt because everything was taken out in my name."
"He went crazy called me everything woke up DC, grabbed my phone so he could go through all my messages and when I tried to get it back he's just hit me on the face. He ran upstairs with my phone and when I tried to talk to him he trapped my knee in the door and said it was my fault."
"He did know he had my knee trapped in the door though and kept on pushing the door closed."
"he apologised, said WE need to stop shouting, said I wind him up and that he never touched me. He flipped all because I asked about him messaging this woman."
"my DC just said he hates daddy because he shouts. Now I know I need to do something."
"So the reason he lost it is because I know how to wind him up. I am the only person that knows how to piss him off that much he resorts to anger as I know exactly what I'm doing. He only got violent because I had something to hide on my phone and I was trying to get it back."
"He's been in his mood for a couple of days now, last night it was because I hadn't made the right thing for dinner and didn't have any spare money."
"he just said he doesn't think it fair for me to ask him to leave because I'm removing him from the family home and he won't be with the kids everyday like me. He doesn't see any of it as his fault."
"I have to say that we have no money left as he spends his and then whatever I've put away for food and bills he says he needs."
"the issues have been:
not unlocking the door in time for him to get home, he gets angry if he has to knock. ..."
"He's being lovely again, then accuses me of an affair with the neighbour then back to nice."
"The school run was interesting today as it turns out he's been meeting one of the other mums. So he's having a lovely time with her and projecting his anger towards me."
"Violence aside, he has started arguments, been nothing but nasty and is having an affair. "

What would you advise a friend who was experiencing even 1 of the things quoted above?

I nearly cried when I saw your latest post:
"Maybe I've made a massive mistake and not what I've made him out to be."

You and especially your innocent DC deserve better.

picklepost · 09/09/2018 21:04

I know you won't heed this but don't go back, don't engage in "talk" (him trying to manipulate you) and do seek professional help.

That is your way forward.

Meeting to talk/believing anything he says/expecting things to improve is naive and likely to be harmful.

I'm checking out of this thread now but I wish you the best.

Original poster
Confused678 · 09/09/2018 21:08

I don't know, I know I've said it's not great but I think I'm more at fault than I'm letting on and im putting all the blame on him. I've just been whining on because I was so upset.

If I just get on with things and don't cause any issues I wouldn't be in this mess I guess. Just been feeling so low so not manged to keep on top of everything.

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 09/09/2018 21:13

YOU are not causing the issues, he is. He sounds as if he is a compulsive liar who is unwilling to acknowledge this or accept any responsibility. Regardless of whether he is having an affair/ liaisons/ whatever, do you really want to spend any more time with someone who is so emotionally dishonest? And as for adding his name to the mortgage, no, no, no!

Original poster
Confused678 · 09/09/2018 21:14

Anyway, thanks all for your kind advice and input

OP posts:
DonkeyPlease · 09/09/2018 21:18

I feel really sorry for your children.

If you're going to insist on carrying on this completely fucked relationship, please could you start a savings account for your children. They are going to need serious psychological help in order to live normal lives as adults.

Very sad that you are putting them through this. Mum's are supposed to protect their children. You're putting them in harm's way by constantly returning to a man who obviously doesn't give a fuck about you, a man who has bruised you, screamed at you. Your kids need their mum. You're returning to man who will kill you emotionally, what will your children do then? What will they do when he literally murders you?

Please ffs think of your innocent children

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 09/09/2018 21:39

The cycle continues.
More children will turn out like this nasty bastard becausee the OP inflicts his bullying nasitness on them.
Both as bad.