Constant lies

[Confused678]

My partner has always lied, at the start it was just insignificant things and I didn't really think much about it. Now it seems like it is constant, he lies about where he is, who he's with, why he doesn't have enough money for bills for the month etc etc. He told me he was staying at a friend's, his friend actually spoke with me the other week and it turns out he was away - I asked my partner about it and he said I was being too controlling and that it was none of my business where he was.

The other day he asked me to take him to a training day, he said it was on a different site to usual. I drove him there and he said he didn't know where it was (even though he said he's been there plenty of times before). He told me he would just get out of the car and walk round until he found it. I said I didn't mind driving him and he got angry and shouted in front of DC and slammed the car door. I just left him to it and drove home.

He is just acting really strange at the moment but I don't want to keep questioning it and he just says that I can't keep controlling him.

I just don't know if he is a compulsive liar, if something else is going on or maybe i am controlling. Anyone been in a similar situation?x

If you aren't ready to report to the police, at least go to the hospital and get yourself looked at. Just report the facts that he caused your injuries and they are on the record if later you decide to take action.

It's hard and you will be love bombed one moment by him as he is worried about what you might do, but knows once the swellings go down, he is home free in his mind. In another moment he will be trying to convince you that you are over reacting and it was all a big misunderstanding and you are making more out of it than it warrants.

You will also be questioning yourself if it was an accident or it was really assault. I will only add this last thought that was for me the reason I knew I needed to act.

After my "accident" with the door, TWICE, I knew that even if the 1st injury was an accident, the 2nd wasn't. Also, the man I thought I knew would have apologized, made sure I was ok and taken me to the doctors. Instead, he made himself dinner while I sat stunned in tears, whistled while he got ready and left to go meet his OW. I didn't know about the OW but had suspected and the accident happened because I was questioning him.

You can't be pushed to do something you aren't ready to do, but please at least go to the hospital and report it so that it is on the record that you were assaulted by him. Take care of yourself.

Op what are you doing? Bin him. Now. Speak to women's aid if you need support but get this abusive piece of shit out your house.

You can’t just add someone to your mortgage. They need affordability checks doing, a credit check etc. If his financial situation has been bad until recently it’s unlikely he’d be able to become a partner on the mortgage anyway.

Ultimately it’s your decision whether to attempt it or not. He can’t make you. If you choose to go ahead and try and make him a partner on the mortgage it’s 100% your decision and your decision alone, because he has no legal ability to force this on you.

Okay just read the rest past first page and i see the situation has escalated.

This is just the beginning. If you stay after this he’ll learn he can attack you and get away with it. I’m being serious. Women end up killed by men like him. And sometimes their kids too. You have to act.

I was probably wrong to write what I have, he has apologised. I know it doesn't make it right but he didn't hurt me that badly.

Thats what I would have written this morning until my DC just said he hates daddy because he shouts. Now I know I need to do something.

To say I'm upset by this is an understatement....I know I'll get criticised for DC hearing this but he's never taken it this far before.

It doesn't matter how 'badly' he hurt you, he shouldn't have acted like that at all. The fact that your child has said that is really bad. Please contact Women's Aid and/or confide in a family member. You and your children need to get away from this vile bully immediately.

So what are you going to do?

This won't get better. You staying with him gives thec message it's acceptable behaviour.

This isn't a one off. You have children to think about and this will affect them and future relationships they have. The cycle just continues.

I have no idea, try to kick him out I guess. He wants to talk to me later. I don't know if that's a good idea.

He doesn't get to call the shots. Make your decisions and engage with him on YOUR terms.

So the reason he lost it is because I know how to wind him up. I am the only person that knows how to piss him off that much he resorts to anger as I know exactly what I'm doing. He only got violent because I had something to hide on my phone and I was trying to get it back. No I love you no I'm really sorry. He doesn't even care. I do let him treat me like shit and myself respect is nothing.

I've really messed up staying with him until now. He said he does message other women. I really hate him for this but I still feel like its going to be hard to let him go. I have no idea what's wrong with me.

Why are you trying to justify his anger towards you? He chooses how to react to situations not you. His anger is his responsibility not yours

It’s Normal to feel confused when you are being abused . There’s nothing wrong with you, most women in your situation feel exactly like this.

Abusers are nice some of the time, that’s why we date them and then move in with them or even marry them. We think the nice guy is teh real person and he’s only Nasty sometimes because of X [insesrt reason here ]. And only if we do / don’t do Y then everything will be OK.

It takes ages to Realise that it’s not our fault and that Mr Nasty is in fact the real person. That’s hard to deal with because you feel like such a fool for not seeing it before .

There’s nothing wrong with you. But there’s something seriously wrong with him and you know that too I think.

And you can’t fix him.

I finally left my husband 2 months ago. He was exactly like your partner. Constant lies, anger, making it seem like I was at fault.

It turned out he was cheating on me with prostitutes for years..

It took me 3 years to have the courage to actually split, I completely understand the reluctance and fear. Honestly though, I have never felt happier!

OP, please go on this website and sign up for the Freedom Programme. You can do it online for £5.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It will educate and empower you to see what is happening and what action you need to take to protect yourself and DC.

And ring the Women's Aid helpline if you need any help getting to safety, getting him out, protecting you and DC, financial advice.

My exhusband told me all the time that it was me that was the problem, I wound him up, I knew which buttons to press, I was unreasonable.

21 years of that (plus lots of other stuff but hardly any physical abuse to me, saved that for the kids).

Turns out I am none of those things and it was all him. I am also clever, good with money, able to save, able to manage on my own and have much better prospects and life without him and his abuse.

Your partner is using coercive control. That is a crime. He uses anger and violence and your children to control you.

Please get him out. Don't waste one more day on him. Don't make your babies give him one more day. Oh he will be adorable after he goes, absolutely adorable. I took my husband back for a year which was a massive mistake.

Confused678 This is so hard to read. You are being horribly abused and you are excusing and minimising his terrible behaviour. It will only get worse. Please, PLEASE call Women's Aid or the police before he 'only' breaks some bones. Do it for your children.

Sorry to read about so many of your experiences - it's really awful.

I think that I'm just stuck because things are bad for a couple of days (maybe a week at most) and then he's fine for weeks. So I just think oh I've only got to deal with this for a day or two more and it will be ok again - stupid I know.

He's been in his mood for a couple of days now, last night it was because I hadn't made the right thing for dinner and didn't have any spare money. I was meant to go out but I had to get DC ready for bed etc before I could go and by the time I got DD to sleep I had fallen asleep too. I am so sorry to moan about it, I just feel exhausted and finding it really hard to manage dealing with him and doing everything else. I have asked him to leave but think it's going to take more than that.

OP, would you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? You can find a free pdf online if you search.

This excuse of a man is a really bad - and violent - abuser, and you need rid of him as soon as possible. You also need to get the DC out of this environment or they will grow up thinking it's normal and acceptable.

Every person posting on this thread feels the same way, it's unusual not to see some dissenting voices, so that in itself should tell you something.

The only time violence is acceptable is in self-defence - and this horror of a man doesn't have that excuse.

Don't be ashamed about it, this is NOT your fault. Start telling people what's going on and make plans to get out of this "relationship".

I am so sorry to moan about it, I just feel exhausted and finding it really hard to manage dealing with him and doing everything else

You don’t have to aplogise, you can moan all you like because it’s YOUR THREAD. It’s just fine to complain . You can rant and rage if you like, we don’t mind at all. Even swearing is allowed. You don’t have to be balanced and fair and reasonable.

You can tell us the truth, it’s anonymous. No one knows you are or who he is. It doesn’t matter if we think badly of him.

And I’m not suprised you are exhausted, it’s the emotional Work of dealing with him and acting normal while all this turmoil is going on in side your head.

You are doing really well.

I have asked him to leave but think it's going to take more than that

Can you say more about this ? How did he react and what do you think it will take ?

Have you contacted women’s aid yet or told any of your friends / family / colleagues? Please do so, it’s too hard to do this without some RL support ?

Have you seen a doctor about your injuries ? You can phone up to see your own GP and tell her what happened.

I forgot to say it doesn’t need to be your own GP, it can be anyone in your practice . Especialy if you would rather see a woman . If that’s the case, just tell the receptionist you want to see a female doctor , they won’t ask why. Patients say this all the time, its no big deal .

Get in contact with Women's Aid.

He is ramping up the violence and you have let him get away with it, which means he knows he can get away with a hell of a lot worse.

Get all your ducks in a row. Find out how you can have the police forcibly remove him when the next attack happens, which will likely be a worse attack.

He's counting on you having been beaten into submission like a dog. He should only have to show the slightest hint of a mood on and you'll back down to avoid winding him up. If you don't cower and back down then he will have to beat you harder next time.

Get ready to have him forcibly removed, kept out and divorce sorted. I know you are not mentally ready to leave yet but get the practicalities of how you would sorted while he is in the nice phase and you have the energy for it.

Thanks for your comments and advice. @HelenUrth I have found the book and will give it a read, thanks.

I honestly think he's just past the point if caring now he doesn't hide it. He's just screamed at me in front of everyone in the car park today which he would never normally do.

Regarding leaving he just said he doesn't think it fair for me to ask him to leave because I'm removing him from the family home and he won't be with the kids everyday like me. He doesn't see any of it as his fault.

A couple of people know bit about him being angry and my colleague has pretty much guessed what's going on from phone calls she's overheard and his constant calling. I have called Women's Aid this evening and if I can bring myself to do it I'm going to go to see my GP this week before the bruises fade.

I don't think I'm helping myself as I I'm just feeling unbelievably low and I'm not sure how much more crap I can take before I just breakdown.

Honestly really appreciate the comments, they've kept me sane. Thanks so much x

#confused I am so sorry and sending you a lot of hugs you do seem to blame yourself so much as previously said read Lundy Bancroft fabulous book and so worth reading it will open your eyes ❤️
Something is amiss here he is projecting on to you and showing classic signs of narcissism and gas lighting please take care and look after you when they are backed into a corner they come out fighting xx

I'm so sorry confused, it sounds so miserable.

I remember my ex being violent and having angry outbursts in public towards the end.

He also refused to leave.

Eventually I left him and kids - and within 2 hrs he was texting promising to move out asap.

Nothing as terrifying as the prospect of having to look after his own children as it turned out!

Anyway that is all in the past and life today is very good. You can do this confused