Constant lies

[Confused678]

My partner has always lied, at the start it was just insignificant things and I didn't really think much about it. Now it seems like it is constant, he lies about where he is, who he's with, why he doesn't have enough money for bills for the month etc etc. He told me he was staying at a friend's, his friend actually spoke with me the other week and it turns out he was away - I asked my partner about it and he said I was being too controlling and that it was none of my business where he was.

The other day he asked me to take him to a training day, he said it was on a different site to usual. I drove him there and he said he didn't know where it was (even though he said he's been there plenty of times before). He told me he would just get out of the car and walk round until he found it. I said I didn't mind driving him and he got angry and shouted in front of DC and slammed the car door. I just left him to it and drove home.

He is just acting really strange at the moment but I don't want to keep questioning it and he just says that I can't keep controlling him.

I just don't know if he is a compulsive liar, if something else is going on or maybe i am controlling. Anyone been in a similar situation?x

We are all here to support you. The first step is to get him out of the house. Go see a solicitor for advice on how to make that happen

Thank you all. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong here. So he has been paying money for bills which leaves him with a good chunk of his wages left. I have to say that we have no money left as he spends his and then whatever I've put away for food and bills he says he needs. I lied yesterday (does that make me just as bad) saying I had borrowed money to buy food so he couldn't ask for any (he buys cigs, alcohol or takeaways). Anyway he found out and that's why he kicked off. Now I've slept I'm thinking I'm also controlling.

NO NO NO NO - he’s an abusive pig - I’ve been there and finally reported him to the police. It’s NOT your fault - he chooses to treat you like this.
You need to get him out - he’s probably having affairs - who would asked to be dropped off at a random place - I think he’s trying to make you crazy - he’s addling your brain.
How much more will you put up or subject your children too. Who the fuck do these men think they are.
Have you got friends or family to talk too. Yes speak to women’s aid - read the Lundy book - do the Freedom programme - tell your GP so it’s on your record.
If he assaults you again I would report him to the Police.
It will not get any better. 🌺

NO you are not as bad as him for lying.

Not all lying is equal .

You are lying to him about having no money because you want to feed your kids and to protect yourself and them from violence and aggression that might happen if you told him the truth.

He is lying to you in different ways and for different reasons that harm you and the children.

You not doing what he wants is NOT you being controlling.

I’m going to ask you to lie to him again. Please phone your GP practice today and make an appointment . If your partner asks about it, I want you to lie to him and say it’s about another reason. You will know the best thing to choose, something you’ve had in the past or something he can’t see, like stomach problems or headaches.

And I also want you to phone back women’s aid and not mention it to him.

Check that he can’t check your history online and see these threads. That he doesn’t know your Mn name or password.

I also want you not to talk back to him or argue with him or tell him what’s he’s doing is wrong. You will end up getting hurt more if you do this. And he will try to control you more because he will sense that something is up.

Try to act as you normally do. Save all you energy for making PLANS to get him out the house. Forever.

Action and not words is what’s needed here. Make your secret plans and then act.

What advice did women’s aid give you ?

@picklepost I'm glad life is now good for you! Maybe I should try leaving and see how I get on?

@imfedup I don't know why I'm so worried about reporting him. I do have family and friends but no one close enough to want to talk about it to them.

I do feel like I'm going crazy. I'm completely the opposite in work and when I'm out but as soon as I get home I just don't have that confidence.

@rosemary46 thanks for your post. I called the local womens Aid today but they said there wasn't much they could help with as I should just call the police to have him removed but to call again if I needed to. I will make sure to hide everything and I will just get on with things normally until I have everything in place. I feel ridiculous though because one min I'm thinking I can't believe he's just done that and the next I think oh it's not that bad I can put up with it until I have some money saved.

I think going to my GP will be the next step.

Thanks again

I feel ridiculous though because one min I'm thinking I can't believe he's just done that and the next I think oh it's not that bad I can put up with it until I have some money saved.

You got into debt whilst wth him. Are you really going to be able to save whilst with him? He will get every penny you have off you for cigarettes, alcohol and takeaways. Even if it means you can’t feed your children. You know this.

If you kick him out then you won’t have to give him another penny for his beloved cigarettes, alcohol or takeaways. Your food bill will go down. Your council tax will go down. You may be entitled to benefits. You may even get maintenance from him. I suspect you will be better off.

And that doesn’t allow for the fact that your children and observing and learning to normalise abuse every single day. There is a really sad thread of a woman whose own dad was violent to her mum and she has had two abusive relationships and now her own dd is in an avbusive relationship. The cycle continues. Unless someone stops it.

How much have you saved up so far? How much more do you need?

I'm not sure really I just wanted enough to fall back on if something goes wrong. I just worry that we will lose everything.

I see what you are saying @mumoftwoyoungkids. I grew up with a lot of shouting, swearing and anger. I think I've just normalised it for too long and now I'm not sure on certain things that I don't think really should be that much of an issue.

So this morning after getting in from work so in 20 - 30 mins since he arrived home the issues have been:

not unlocking the door in time for him to get home, he gets angry if he has to knock.

Bringing the quilt cover downstairs because DD didn't sleep well last night

Not moving out the way fast enough for him to give DC hugs then being snappy because I'm in the way somewhere else

I've not asked my family to lend him £100+ and I'm lying about it so he stormed off

That's just an average morning when he's in a mood obviously with different issues. Just before I do speak with people in RL I want to make sure that I'm definitely right in thinking that this isn't normal.

You are right, this is very far from normal. He is not treating you well at all.

Not normal, not acceptable. He's bullying you and your perspective is very warped.

Have you thought about phoning a help service for advice on family support services? X

It's not normal, it's not acceptable and you need to talk to some people in RL about what is happening so they can help you get him out. Even if you don't think you are close enough to family or friends to tell them, tell them anyway. You will be amazed by the amount of support and assistance people will give you when you let them know you need help.

You grew up thinking shouting screaming were normal. Is this what you want for your DC when they are older? Plus the physical violence for them too.

Be brave and break the cycle.

You are not controlling. That money is for food and stuff for your DC. If you didn't have it you DC would starve or you would have to borrow to feed them. He puts his wants above their needs.

He is a very dangerous abusive man. Use the police and any other resources to get rid.

And for gods sake don't add him to the mortgage. He will be entitled to something he has never paid for, may secure further loans against it or force its sale to get his share.

Thanks for clarifying, my heads all over the place lately. @picklepost I've only spoken to women's aid briefly about things but not anyone else.

No I don't want this for my DC at all. He's being lovely again, then accuses me of an affair with the neighbour then back to nice. No wonder my heads fucked.

I don't know how bad I have to let it get to see sense.

Typical abusive behaviour, he's Mr Nice then Mr Nasty. Abusive people are like Jekyll and Hyde and you will never know which one you are going to be dealing with.
Remember that your DC's are seeing this and taking it all on board, your DS has already told you he hates daddy because he shouts all the time. It must be so scary for them to have their father be so unpredictable, erratic and angry all the time. Poor tykes are walking on eggshells just like you are. Kids internalise things and believe the way people behave is probably something to do with/because of them. This will be impacting your DC's so much more than you think. Get out now, do it for them. They can't leave on their own they need you to be their protector and do it for them.

I don't know how bad I have to let it get to see sense.

Your children are already being damaged.

If you can't leave for yourself - can you leave for your children' sake?

I can't bear liars, its probably top of my list of deal breakers for me

Yes I do feel awful, it just doesn't seem like it's actually happening, as stupid as that sounds.

But yes I'm going to do something about it. The school run was interesting today as it turns out he's been meeting one of the other mums. So he's having a lovely time with her and projecting his anger towards me. I wish he would just decide he wants to go.

Rather than waiting for him to decide (while he sticks his dick in someone else) why don't you make the decision for him?

You CAN do it. You have a right to be happy and content. So do your children.

Do it op. Get rid of him. You can do this. I know you can. Register your bruises. Be brave for your children please.

You decide. He's not a good enough man to get to choose which hottie he keeps.

then accuses me of an affair with the neighbour then back to nice
Ahh.... projection for his guilt while HE'S having an affair with another mum! Judging you by his own standard!
Jeez, this guy really is the pits!

Well that's it, I think I now realise how badly I've misjudged the whole 'relationship'. One more chances, if I do things differently, he only needs a words from his family, if he gets councelling he will be back on track. Well I've come to realise this week that the promises mean nothing.

Since starting this post, I have not reacted to any arguments, been as nice as possible (refusing money etc) and carried on running round after him. Violence aside, he has started arguments, been nothing but nasty and is having an affair.

So tonight I'm leaving with the kids, at least for a while or until he has been removed. I'll probably come back and the house will be wrecked but I can deal with that after.

Not really in a good place and I definitely need to sort my head out.

Thank you all for the advise and for the general handholding, it's much appreciated. X

Do you have somewhere safe to go ?

Remember to take documents like bank cards, passports., tenancy agreement or mortgage docs. Any prescription Medicines. Family photos . The children’s favourite toys and school books, jotters, school uniform.

Can you get a friend round to help you get as many of the kids clothes etc out as you can?

Remember if there is any danger to you or the kids , drop everything and run. Stuff can be replaced but it’s nicer for the kids if they can have their own things.

When the police come , they will escort you back in to get your stuff. Or make him leave.

Please take photos of the condition of the house before you leave.

I'm no expert, but it is my understanding that you shouldn't leave the house.

So proud of you op!!!! Here's to your new life!!!!