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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Constant lies

147 replies

Confused678 · 01/09/2018 16:23

My partner has always lied, at the start it was just insignificant things and I didn't really think much about it. Now it seems like it is constant, he lies about where he is, who he's with, why he doesn't have enough money for bills for the month etc etc. He told me he was staying at a friend's, his friend actually spoke with me the other week and it turns out he was away - I asked my partner about it and he said I was being too controlling and that it was none of my business where he was.

The other day he asked me to take him to a training day, he said it was on a different site to usual. I drove him there and he said he didn't know where it was (even though he said he's been there plenty of times before). He told me he would just get out of the car and walk round until he found it. I said I didn't mind driving him and he got angry and shouted in front of DC and slammed the car door. I just left him to it and drove home.

He is just acting really strange at the moment but I don't want to keep questioning it and he just says that I can't keep controlling him.

I just don't know if he is a compulsive liar, if something else is going on or maybe i am controlling. Anyone been in a similar situation?x

OP posts:

Original poster

Confused678 · 10/09/2018 09:13

Yeah you're both right I've completely fucked this up. I do feel like am awful mum.

OP posts:

RabbitsAreTasty · 10/09/2018 09:16

You got played by someone, that doesn't make you an awful person unless you decided to stay there now you've realised. Pick yourself up and get your situation sorted for your children. You can do it.

MessyBun247 · 10/09/2018 09:27

OP please kick the fucker out and take care of yourself and your DCs.

He’s a nasty abusive piece of shit, he hits you, bullies you, cheats, lies, messes with your head. You don’t have to live like this.

He’s is totally the one at fault. But it’s up to you now to protect your DCs from this. They will resent you when they are older if you don’t do something about this. Please give them a better childhood, a peaceful loving home. Not a home where they have to watch their dad bully their mum.

Don’t listen to your family.

Timeisslippingaway · 10/09/2018 09:29

You are not an awful mum. This man has physically assaulted you. Would you let a stranger do that or would you report them to the police?
Whole someone is being treated like that they don't usually sit back and smile so no matter what you have done it doesn't give him a right to hit you.
What happens when your dc starts winding him up will he get the same treatment?
You need to k9ck him out and if he won't leave I would call the police and have him charged with assault and he will be removed from the property.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/09/2018 09:44

If I just get on with things and don't cause any issues I wouldn't be in this mess I guess
Oh dear!
This won't help.
He is an abuser and he will move the goal-posts.
Nothing you do to appease things will ever be good enough.
You will change yourself so much, trying to cling on to 'your man' that you won't even recognise yourself.
You will become of shell of who you are and who you should be.
Don't do that to yourself.
It's an awful model to show your children.
'Just do what you can to keep your man and to hell with who you are'!
You wouldn't want that for your DC so don't 'settle' because it's you.

He's really done a number on you and I'm sorry you can't see it.
You will do soon though.
So come back when you are really ready and we can help you get out.

Gemini69 · 10/09/2018 11:18

good luck OP... you're going to need it

Rosemary46 · 10/09/2018 13:00

Maybe you are right OP, that you are to share for some of the blame. Maybe you are more at fault than you are letting on. Only you know that.

But apportioning blame doesn’t really help the kids does it ? Even if it’s 50:50, you still have a bad atmosphere at home at best and domestic violence at worst.

You are a good mum and you don’t want them to live like that. It’s not going to get better on it’s own - as lots of poster have told your it will only get worse. So isn’t it best to separate, then he can get help for his anger and you can go for counselling to on your own?

Because he won’t go for help while he’s living with you, whatever he says. Men like him never do. He will promise and promise but nothing will happen, expect the trouble in the house will get worse.

You also run the risk of neighbours or your children’s school / nursery calling the police or social services . Then you won’t have any choice about how and when you leave I’m afraid.

I think several people have recommended The Freedom Programme for you. This isn’t counselling but a kind of course / discussion group that you do usually once a week, with other women. It’s really helpful and will help you think things through and give you some perspective on your relationship. Please consider signing up for this.

Please also think about all the good advice you’ve had here. And don’t get upset about the posters who are getting annoyed with you - they are just worried about you and your children.

Original poster

Confused678 · 11/09/2018 08:21

Thanks, I completely deserve the criticism because at the end of the day, it is down to me to sort this mess out.

It's not that I need him or want him in my life, those feelings have long gone. I'm not even sure what it is thats stopping me from kicking him out. Maybe I feel sorry for him because he will have nothing or that he will get time with the DC and I won't know where they are or how he looking after them etc. that scares me to be honest.

The other thing is that I'm worried what he will do, he won't leave and I will have to call the police but DC are always here and I don't want them witnessing that. My DC are completely my main priority and I have done everything possible to protect them from this. It's just that now it's been getting worse. I've downplayed the whole situation, the pushing, grabbing, constant name calling, shouting and swearing has got me on edge all the time. I am worried about going back to my own house because I never know what mood he's going to be in. I think I'm just scared about how the whole situation will go and I know how much DC love him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Confused678 · 11/09/2018 08:30

Thanks for the advice on the freedom programme I'm going to look at registering for it today.

As much as I want out, I'm just finding I'm not convinced. From today I'm going to keep a log of everything for the next week so hopefully when I read it back it will finally click as to what a mess I've really got myself in to.

So thankful for all your messages, honestly they've kept me going.

OP posts:

RabbitsAreTasty · 11/09/2018 12:02

The DC will have noticed a hell of a lot more than you think. Even it is just atmosphere. I know. I was one if the DC.

In reality all you are protecting them from is from seeing how to handle a difficult situation correctly, even if the person doing the bad things is someone you love. Also that parents are human, do things wrong, suffer consequences but you can still love them even though maybe you cannot livw with them.

In other words, you are fooling yourself if you think you are protecting them by lying really really well to them a lot of the time.

Original poster

Confused678 · 14/09/2018 08:49

Thanks, I've made a massive mistake. I really need to get him to leave.

It's just beyond awful now.

Thanks for all your helpful advice x

OP posts:

Rosemary46 · 14/09/2018 09:37

I’m sorry to hear this Confused . Are you and the children ok ?

Original poster

Confused678 · 14/09/2018 11:07

Yes we are ok, just fed up of everything now. The way he speaks to everyone, says he doesn't care if I ask him to stop shouting, bribes me with money, just constantly tells me to F off and pushes me into things when I walk past him or throws things as me if he's in a mood. At my wits end now. Going to bag all his stuff tonight and change the locks.

OP posts:

cheeseandchoc · 14/09/2018 11:49

CALL THE POLICE AND GET THIS MAN OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.
He sounds manipulative, and controlling. He's made you feel guilty for HIS behaviour.

Rosemary46 · 14/09/2018 12:17

Please make sure you have someone with you . Are you able to change the locks yourself ?

Don’t act in haste , you need a well thought out plan to stay safe/

cheeseandchoc · 14/09/2018 13:27

Completely agree with rosemary46.
Didn't mean for my previous post to sound so harsh.
It is important that you have a plan, and that each action you take is for a positive and happy future.
Take care.

ISpeakJive · 14/09/2018 13:42

My DC are completely my main priority and I have done everything possible to protect them from this

Sorry OP but you really haven’t!
Your posts are incredibly frustrating to read. You have children and you’re still with this abusive shit!

RabbitsAreTasty · 14/09/2018 13:47

He is escalating the violence quite rapidly now so when you kick him out you are seriously at risk of being badly beaten up. You probably think oh no he'd never go that far. Don't chance it.

Have someone else with you.

Call the police to let them know you are kicking out your violent boyfriend. They will mark your address and give you some prioritisation if you have to call them. Hopefully you won't have to.

Hope for the best. Plan for the worst.

Original poster

Confused678 · 14/09/2018 14:34

Thanks, sorry just needed to vent. I understand it's causing frustration so I'll leave it here.

Thanks for all the kind advice and support. Take care

OP posts:

RabbitsAreTasty · 14/09/2018 19:14

Hey, just because some people are frustrated that real life doesn't move as fast as a TV show doesn't mean we are all like that.

If you need help, people are here.

misszp · 15/09/2018 07:37

I am sure that your children witnessing their mother be strong by calling the police to remove this piece of shit will have a far more positive impact on them than allowing them to continue living with such a creep in their life. IF they witnessed it, at least they will have seen their mother be strong to remove both them and yourself from what I can only imagine is an absolutely horrid situation. That is the lesson you wish to teach them... That if they ever found themselves in such a situation as adults, that you can leave, that this isn’t normal, that you don’t have to live your life in such fear, or with such a bully, that there is a way out. You may feel you are shielding them currently, but they will be picking up on it and that will have more damaging repercussions than the above.

I really hope you find the strength to have him removed OP. If the violence is escalating then please ensure to seek the support you need, and quick.

NewStartNow · 15/09/2018 09:26

Please OP. Get this vile abusive Dangerous man out of your home and your children's home.
I know the prospect of actually doing it-getting him out- is hard but it will be a couple of hours of your lives and you'll then be able to begin to be happy and relaxed in your own home.
The children witnessing him being removed could actually go a long way to showing them that his behaviour is not normal or acceptable and they may be relieved. Haven't they already said they're fed up of daddy shouting? Show them you are not going to put up with being bullied or abused by anyone especially not someone who is supposed to love you.

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