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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Constant lies

147 replies

Confused678 · 01/09/2018 16:23

My partner has always lied, at the start it was just insignificant things and I didn't really think much about it. Now it seems like it is constant, he lies about where he is, who he's with, why he doesn't have enough money for bills for the month etc etc. He told me he was staying at a friend's, his friend actually spoke with me the other week and it turns out he was away - I asked my partner about it and he said I was being too controlling and that it was none of my business where he was.

The other day he asked me to take him to a training day, he said it was on a different site to usual. I drove him there and he said he didn't know where it was (even though he said he's been there plenty of times before). He told me he would just get out of the car and walk round until he found it. I said I didn't mind driving him and he got angry and shouted in front of DC and slammed the car door. I just left him to it and drove home.

He is just acting really strange at the moment but I don't want to keep questioning it and he just says that I can't keep controlling him.

I just don't know if he is a compulsive liar, if something else is going on or maybe i am controlling. Anyone been in a similar situation?x

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 02/09/2018 16:55

The minute, no, the SECOND he is in the mortgage he will leave you.

ElspethFlashman · 02/09/2018 16:56

You do realise he's been busy lining up some poor unfortunate to keep home for him after he's gotten his half of the house?

LannieDuck · 02/09/2018 17:06

1. He used to be more helpful with the house, DC etc but now he just expects his tea on the table when he gets in, me to organise everything for DC and the house to be spotless even though I work same hours as him.

2. Today he's decided that he wants to put his name on the mortgage (he hasn't previously as his financial situation was bad).

No! Absolutely no to 2 until 1 is sorted.

He wants you to treat him as a financial equal? Not until he puts equal work into the family and maintaining the home.

And you absolutely shouldn't own property with someone you can't have a civil conversation with.

Frankly, OP, if you both work FT and he expects you to do his half of all the housework and childcare chores (because you don't have a penis?), why are you still with him?

LannieDuck · 02/09/2018 17:07

...and is his financial situation still bad? That would be quite worrying. Don't enter into any joint financial situations with him unless he's completely trustworthy.

Original poster
Confused678 · 02/09/2018 19:06

I think he has basically screwed me...I'm now in loads of debt because everything was taken out in my name. So I think it's just easier to stay than to worry about what I'm going to do.

Surprisingly (or not) I met up with my sister this afternoon an she asked me why he was adding her friends that he doesn't know on social media. One had messaged her asking why he had tried to add her. She thought it was strange, I messaged to ask him why he was adding them. He said he hadn't added anyone. So I guess I'm in for an argument when he gets in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused678 · 02/09/2018 20:06

Yeah turns out he's a massive piece of shit....just confronted him properly for the first time. He went crazy called me everything woke up DC, grabbed my phone so he could go through all my messages and when I tried to get it back he's just hit me on the face. He ran upstairs with my phone and when I tried to talk to him he trapped my knee in the door and said it was my fault. I am completely to blame here because I've been messaging other people (only friends). He's just taken DC out and told me to wait here to calm down. Actually feel like crying. I wouldn't normally put anything like this on here but just a bit shocked.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 02/09/2018 20:18

Where has he gone with your DC ? is that to intimidate you ?
You do NOT accept being hauled across the house, & hit in the face.
Call the Police & report this assault
This piece of shit needs to go.
Good news, he isn't on the BC, he isn't on the mortgage, you are not married.
You can put his shit out on the pavement & he has NO Leg to stand on.

Joe66 · 02/09/2018 20:29

Please remove this man from your property by calling the police to attend and having him arrested for assault. Nobody should assault anyone, ever. He is an abusive manipulative liar and violent bully. Regarding the debt, when he's gone, speak to either step Change, Christians against poverty or the cab. They will help you to arrange affordable repayments. You will find most creditors will agree to debts being rescheduled. Do not ever put a partners name on your mortgage or land registry or allow them to make mortgage pay,ments. You will be fine on your own with the children, who will learn from this that there are boundaries in relationships. If he stays they will learn that abusive relationships are normal and will be abusers or abused themselves.

Joe66 · 02/09/2018 20:32

Are you at all concerned about where he has gone with the children? Are they safe?

RabbitsAreTasty · 02/09/2018 20:37

He assaulted you but you have to calm down.

Call the police and boot him out.

RabbitsAreTasty · 02/09/2018 20:40

I meant to put a Shock after this He assaulted you but you have to calm down

He's in violent mood. Don't leave him.out with the children. Call the police, tell them about the attacks, tell them he went off with the children.

sparklepops123 · 02/09/2018 20:47

Call police and get your kids home then kick the bastard out

callkiki · 02/09/2018 20:59

I've been there and it's scary. You will try and talk yourself out of calling the police because you are worried about what will happen to him.

I worried if he would lose his job.
If he lost his job, how would the mortgage & bills get paid.
What would his reaction be if I called the police?
It would surely be forever over the moment I dialed that number, could I do it?

So, I walked to my best friends house with 2 broken teeth, cuts & bruises and a broken wrist that he accidentally slammed the door on my face and then accidentally did it again to my wrist when it was my fault for walking into the kitchen...

My friend called the police for me and they were wonderful and talked me through it all. My BF's partner works for CAB and got me an appointment after I had been treated at the hospital and I got legal advice.

Hardest thing I ever did was sign the complaint to have him arrested for assault.

Best thing I ever did for me! I have never, ever thought I made a mistake doing it and while it's been tough starting over, thank God I put my name to the document saying I wasn't going to put up with this from anyone, let alone someone who claimed to love me.

Do it for you, do it for your children, call a friend for help and accept that it's a life defining time for you and do what is best for you and your children and only you can decide how you want your future to be.

category12 · 02/09/2018 21:04

Speak to Women's Aid. And don't ever put him on the mortgage.

Original poster
Confused678 · 02/09/2018 21:27

I don't think that he meant to hit me in the face. He was just trying to go through my phone but pushing me away. He did know he had my knee trapped in the door though and kept on pushing the door closed. He took my eldest to the shop while I calmed down, because I was upset. I said to leave him but didn't want him to shout.
I've had to go out to work so I'm not sure what to do now. Not seen him get this angry before. Thanks for the replies just thinking about the best thing to do.

OP posts:
lillylollylandy · 02/09/2018 21:42

You poor thing, you deserve so much better than this. Idiot The best thing to do is get rid. This isn't going to get any better.

timeisnotaline · 02/09/2018 23:25

You have to kick him out. Change the locks while he’s out and have a friend with you when he comes back. Call the police if he kicks up a fuss . You should also report his assault to the police, because he assaulted you and because it will help you get more support when you kick him out. You can’t talk to him or reason with him. He has zero respect for you and doesn’t even like you.

Original poster
Confused678 · 03/09/2018 05:41

Just reading through what I wrote and the messages, I was in a bit of a state last night. I got in from work and he apologised, said WE need to stop shouting, said I wind him up and that he never touched me. He flipped all because I asked about him messaging this woman.

I feel so stupid. @callkiki so glad to read that you reported it. Yeah I feel exactly the same, worry what's going to happen next. Just thinking its not really that bad only a bruise and swollen knee. I think I'm a bit in disbelief.

OP posts:
AltheaorDonna · 03/09/2018 06:18

Oh come on PO, you have to act now. He's a violent liar, you can't want your kids to think this is normal! You need to get rid of him. You should contact Woman's Aid, and the police. But I suspect you are going to play this down and carry on with this useless sack of shit. Your kids deserve better than this, and so do you!

Desmondo2016 · 03/09/2018 06:27

You're being abused. Are you going to stay with him?

ZoeRose81 · 03/09/2018 07:03

Lovely, please leave him. These men continue to test and test to see what they can get away with - it becomes part of the game to them. He has hurt you emotionally in ways it will take years of perspective for you to fully understand and now he’s crossed the physical line. No no no you deserve so much better than this x

twattymctwatterson · 03/09/2018 07:14

Fucking he'll op. I do mean this kindly but where is your self respect? He's a liar, he's blatantly cheating on you and doesn't even respect you enough to hide it really. He's violent, uses you as an unpaid maid and is trying to financially abuse you. Yet you've just apologised to him?! Get a backbone and protect your kids if not yourself

OliviaBenson · 03/09/2018 07:21

Your kids must be terrified. You need to do the right thing here, call the police and kick him out. Women's aid will help you.

Why are you clinging on to him?

Rosemary46 · 03/09/2018 07:26

Please go to your GP and have your injured knee and face looked at, in case It’s more than a bruise. Tell the doctor what happened.

Phone women’s aid today.

Do you have any friends, colleagues or family who would support you emotionally if you left him ?

AskMeHow · 03/09/2018 07:29

Please go to the doctor and get yourself looked at. Tell them how it happened, if you're not ready to call the police.