Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

[Pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@april hope date with Mr Tall is going well!

@supercali, your comment about the diagram showing the clitoris made me properly laugh. @northern, no ewww. That would put me right off!
I was chatting to someone last night who asked me within about 4 messages when I last had sex. Why?! (Last week if you need to know, mate 🤣).

So when I pushed things a bit with Mr Funny, Wednesday was mentioned. Well he only said 'that could work', so ball is in his court now. If he doesn't follow up on that , my interest will definitely wane.

@Runsforcake - yay! Very exciting

@northernflowerhouse - you have to set your own boundaries but here is where I am at, at the moment: I think it is legit for a guy to find out politely how you're potentially feeling about the possibility of sex; it is legit to want it (for both of you) and be honest about this; but there is something weird and kind of... prurient that some guys do, that what you're telling me reminds me of. There are some men who would insist that sex is just good healthy fun, but actually they're getting a real sort of Sid James kick out of the fact that they think they're getting one over on you by talking about it, double entendres, a sort of gleeful look they have about the fact they seem to be "in with a chance" of "getting their leg over". I find this utterly gross, although I am no prude and have done some very upfront things and made some very swift decisions about some (fantastic!) no strings sex.

I find it really hard to define but the guy I saw last weekend was one of those and I still feel a bit dirty about his attitude towards me.

The first two guys I had sex with since leaving my LTR - neither was like that. They were completely different from each other: one is young, sweet, serious, kind, very sexual and utterly relaxed about it; the other is my age, rough as fuck, very funny, very direct, very sexual and utterly relaxed about it. Neither behaved as if they had "won" after we had had sex; both remained friendly and respectful. I didn't realise there were so many Carry On style throw backs around. I detest them.

Only you know if your guy feels like that - or how you feel about it.

I promised a few irons whatsapp chats and / or phone calls this weekend and haven't done anything about it. It's been a good day with my children and I'm tired. If they like me, I can take a day off without losing anything, right? What's for me won't go by me - right?

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Well I've just had a weird experience. Started chatting to a guy this afternoon who, after a few messages, quickly suggested a phone chat (saying that it was the only way to tell if there was chemistry). I said I'd call him in a bit and he gave his number. When I called the number, no reply, so left it. About 20 mins later I get a call from a woman who asks what I wanted as she'd had a missed call?? I checked the number he gave and it was the one I'd called?? I mean, what's that all about? Weirdo! Anyone else had anything like this happen?

@Oakleygirl ... just, wtf is he playing at?? Sounds like he's maybe getting to get nuisance calls to an ex or something?? Tbh I'd ask her if she knows (insert his name) and if she does tell all. He might be getting multiple women to do it.

Subspace I know, that's the only explanation I can think of. I was confused when a female called me back and said I thought I had the wrong number. Then I checked and it was the right number! I sent him a message on the dating site asking what he was playing at, said there were obviously some sick people on there, and then blocked him

@Corvid you've articulated it far better than I could've but yes, it feels as though he was trying to somehow score some kind of victory in getting me to have sex or even show willing, slightly at my expense. Feels a bit dirty as I really don't need to be tricked into sex if the circumstances are right! I ignored it and he's now asked me out for drinks tomorrow. Which i cant do anyway. Love the diagram idea though @Supercali ! He's a GP though so I'd like to think he'd get it right!

@Subspace that's a bit cheeky if you'd already agreed to pay for your own meals, which it sounds like you had. But as he had offered to buy the first set of drinks he doesn't sound like a habitual piss taker so I wouldn't rule out another drink based on this and like you say, let him get the first round in next time and order a double.

@Oakley how odd. Sounds feasible that it's deliberate if he was insistent on speaking on the phone so early on. Could you report him to the app or site?

@subspace so am I reading it right that he had a day out for a fiver? At your expense.
The last guy I dated was having money issues, it didn't show at first as he was quite generous. Then he expected us to take turns on dates even if a date cost me £80, he would then claim the next £20 takeaway was his turn! I got wise to that one.

I think it's totally fair enough to go 50-50 but I hate the feeling of being taken advantage of and sounds like that now it's left you feeling.

Hello peeps,

So had my date with MrFluffyDog yesterday and was an interesting one. When I first saw him, I wasn't sure whether I was attracted to him, and he wasn't so easy to chat with, though I suspect nerves. We went for dinner and a bar and things got more comfortable. I was determined not to leave without a kiss but looked like there wasn't anything on the horizon. When we got home (he had left his car here), the intention was for him to drive home but we ended up kissing and spending the night together (no sex but everything else). Physically we were definitely on the same level which I'd never had before ever. We had spoken early on about the distance being too far (3hrs drive) for this to be anything more, and I think he is at a point where he has dated a lot and knows more about what he wants whereas I just was dipping my toe into the dating water. I did realise from this that I definitely want someone nearer by, who treats me well as he did and who has that physical click with me like he did.

subspace I think I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, and try another date. He does sound a bit CFish, but could be nerves maybe?
oakleygirl that sounds weeeeird. Either he's playing games with n ex, or he's given you a wrong number on purpose because he's a weird ass coward?? Whatever the reason, you're well shot!!
runsforcake ooh a normal on Tinder !! Keep us updated!
northern run of the mill sex pervert I think. At least he's let you know from the get go, so you can get gone.

Bot all happening for me. I'm resigned to a life with my cats 🙄 There's just nobody normal around me 😂 On the odd occasion I do fins anyone resembling a normal have a date where it's nice, but not nice enough on both sides. I'm ending up with a fair few male friends, but I'm not in this to expand my friendship group!!!

Me too @Skyrabbit! I've made some lovely guy mates at least if nothing else!

Some help with my OLD profile would be really appreciated. I'm struggling to explain what I'm looking for - I fully expect most men won't read it but I'd still like to explain myself properly. For background, I've been single for a few years, post divorce, having been in a long relationship from my late teens. I'm not looking for a serious relationship (although I'm open to that) but at the same time I don't want what the bloke I met last week wanted, which was sex after one short meeting. I couldn't get through to him that if we'd had one/two proper dates and got to know each other a bit we might have moved fairly quickly onto the physical stuff because I did fancy him, but one short date and then messages about meeting for sex just put my right off. He was FWB material and I do think we both handled it badly. He thought me wanting another date meant I wanted a serious relationship. Any suggestions about how to express this in my profile?

likeriding I tend to say I'm not looking for a hook up or marriage but something in between. Mind, I'm having no luck, so maybe that's where I'm going wrong 😂

Slight dilemma - I'm chatting to a guy who is in a wheelchair. Now that in itself doesn't bother me. But, he doesn't drive, I'm not on a major bus or train route and he also couldn't get into my house very easily (I may be over thinking this here 🙄) - is that a major issue???

he thought me wanting another date meant I wanted a serious relationship , I am getting this a lot and it drives me nuts. I don’t think some people understand that it takes quite a few dates to get to know someone well enjoy ugh to know if you want a relationship or to sleep with them.This puts me off a lot on OLD and it has happened to me so many times. Last year I had a guy who showered me with gifts after one date and started planing our future together. I have a iron at the moment who is touching on similar behaviour and it’s causing me to back right off.

So, I have no dates lined up, Mr VW is seriously doing my head in with the constant messaging, as soon as I wake up there’s a message saying “good morning” and it continues all day despite me backing right off. Mr Kayak is abroad but messages me a few times a day, sends me photos of what he’s doing and we exchange a bit of fun text and almost rude photos, I like him probably too much and I’m trying hard not too as I know he’s not really suitable (but he’s fun and cute). I am ghosting Mr Beard, he only wants one thing and TBH he’s not that good at it and I can’t just sleep with someone because they are really good looking .

I’m off to a festival not next weekend but the one after, I’m getting really nervous as I’m going on my own, Mr VW will be there but I’m hoping I won’t be camping near him. It’s all a bit scary going alone, I hope I can find some people to talk too.

Skyrabbit I said that to him in an early message, I'm not looking for a serious relationship but I'm not looking for hook ups, I thought that would get the message across but no. TBH I'm almost wishing I'd just used him for experience, because I did fancy him, but I didn't like him trying to push me into it.

likeriding it sounds like he was just looking for a quick hook up and is using the relationship question as an excuse because he didn't get what he wanted.

syrabbit that would be big problem for me as public transport here is rubbish. But it depends how far away he lives. For someone reasonably close that I liked, I'd be ok about driving to them.

Here's hoping that my one match on Tinder turns out well. I've had to do a very swift exit from POF after spotting someone I know on there. He's someone I know through a regular social thing but he's definitely not a friend. I had to block him on Facebook for sending me inappropriate messages. I know I shouldn't let him put me off but I don't like the idea of him checking out my profile.

@Likeridingabike, I know exactly what you mean! I have "used [some guys] for experience" including the one last weekend, and it wasn't all that nice really, certainly afterwards when you just want to get away and are still being polite and friendly. I think there is a question of whether or not a man understands that "friends" is part of "friends with benefits". i met a man in a pub for a stilted 45 minutes and wasn't sure where it was leading and the next evening he texted me saying "so now we've done the friends, what about the benefits?" I wanted to reply "if that is what your friendships are like, I feel very sorry for you!" - and I think this question relates to the thing I was trying to explain before, about whether guys think sex is funny and mucky and they're getting one over on you, or whether they can honestly respect someone who likes sex.

Still haven't texted the people I promised to text. Should think of something charming and witty to say before I go to the gym in the hope that there'll be a message for me when I come out again.

@subspace: I don't like the sound of that guy about the money. If I am reading you right he actually said something apologetic about being skint before payday, which I read as kind of intending to underpay / being happy to underpay. Was that a first date? Red flags to me. (I ignored those red flags in the past and regretted it. I really don't expect to be treated all the time but strategic stinginess shows a general attitude of expecting to get more than they give in a friendship. Some people actively do this; I struggle to grasp that at times as it's so alien to me)

I would give Scrooge one more try! But you can’t overlook that for too long
As for sex pests, you need to just be up front that you don’t want hook up and block them when they don’t seem to ‘get it’

I need a bit of a slap. I went out with Mr Anxious last night. It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I’ve known him one month and we have just finally torn ourselves away from lying in each other’s arms (semi dressed) staring into each other’s eyes for 13 hours and agreed not to see any other people and ‘give things a shot’. Is this just lust talking? Because until last night we hadn’t even kissed! And we had sex AFTER this chat. I don’t want to be so sceptical or negative (ie terrified) but there is something so deep... tell each other really deep dark things, such an emotional connection IT IS FREAKING ME OUT. I like seeing him smiling at me, touching his chest and being wrapped around each other. Sex made him anxious, bless him. It was so passionate but he wants to take that side of things slowly (get to know each other)

Oh I also met all his friends who told me ‘he’s one of the good ones’ and is a lovely guy.

Pookie sounds lovely.

My 6.30pm Friday date for supper with Mr BTO only just ended (3.30pm Sun). We didn't have any kind of chat about where we are at and we both now quite busy for a couple of weeks but putative plan for Tues eve and Mon week. Feeling happy but wish it wasn't the end of the lovely weekend with him.

Totally see your point about the stingy guy Corvid, it just seems such a small amount to try and sneak away with not paying when he had it in cash that I wonder if there was some confusion on his part- maybe he thought the whole bill was £9 or he'd given Subspace a tenner not a fiver.

Not to look for excuses, just seems very petty on his part so I wonder if it was a misunderstanding.

Yeah I'm just confused about the money thing. This is the guy who was genuinely gong to the bar to buy drinks, then later to go buy food and sort it out with me after we'd had it (I was trying to give him a tenner to order and pay for my half with) and who arranged for us to go to a museum that wasn't cheap entry (£9.95). Okay all those things had changed but at my instigation (i wanted to buy the first drinks to apologise for being late, then he said he'd been to the museum before so we went to ones he hadn't been to which happened to be free, the meal and drinks he was heading to the bar to order, and I stopped him and wanted to see what drinks they ha. All 3 things he'd have paid for if I hadn't stuck my clumsy oar in!). I think he earns more than me, and is certainly in a better financial position than me ie he owns a house etc.

I think he knew he'd given me a fiver. The price of each of our meals was on the menu we ordered from (which is also online because I looked today). I thought he might have just forgotten his drink, but actually i found the menu online today and his food was £6.95. He gave me the fiver without me saying how much the bill was. I was confused and thrown so didn't think to question it, and I could give him the benefit of the doubt that it was a moment of misunderstanding. He had said he'd get the drinks this time so maybe he thought he'd given me a ten as well as a fiver - or maybe I'm making too many allowances. Either way, if I see him again I'm not getting my purse out! 😉 I also drove an hour to him and paid parking and he walked so I think he can do the drive next time!

Need more irons. Got one lukewarm one, who lives in the same town as Mr Penpal (who might NC to Mr Tight). Might get him to go to the museum with me, as I still want to go! 😂

@coldlocation good sign that you didn't want your weekend with him to end!

@PookieDo that sounds good with Mr Anxious. I'd still take things slowly, and be aware it might have been lust talking, but I think you'll know in a few days if it is. Excited for you! When he got anxious, was it manageable?

@skyrabbit that does sound like it's potentially a lot to overcome, yes. How far away does he live? Does he not have a motorbility car? I now refuse to date guys who can't drive because I ended up quickly resenting a couple of them who thought I should drive all the time/underestimated petrol and car costs, and one thought him getting the train to a different station tiki save some £ and me driving 40 minutes to pick him up was the same as his turn to commute... it just caused resentment all around. But I get that if the guy is in a wheelchair he might not have the options. Maybe nugget somewhere for a drink and see if you think you like him enough for it to not matter?

Not driving is a deal breaker for me but I am rural not city

That’s why you should give him another chance, just see how he is next time @subspace

Mr Anxious feels better about sex when he has an emotional connection. Bless him. He lost his erection a little bit and I think he was just over thinking it then worrying. We were drunk initially and got really carried away so it wasn’t planned, and it was so good but we didn’t carry on long iyswim - tired and drunk. Then this morning it was similar just keep getting a bit too carried away but much longer. He said it’s usually a problem with new partners but isn’t a long term problem iyswim?

It’s the whole emotional thing that is freaking me out - that’s not lust driven

Hello all. 8th new date this year from OLD site. Let’s call him Mr Medic. The date went well - he was an utterly gorgeous, 6ft something, down to earth guy. The date went well - we chatted for 3 hours and I rather fancied him. It was mutual. A couple of things left me feeling a bit unsure. His OLD profile says he is 48 but google revealed his age to be 54. He could easily pass for early 40s but that’s besides the point. I really value honesty from the beginning. Secondly, he said he hasn’t seen his daughter for 2 years as ex has not allowed any contact. I don’t know the full circumstances of this but I wonder how is this possible unless something serious has occurred? Can a mother legally bar a child from seeing his/her father? He said he goes to her school for updates about her progress but isn’t allowed to see her. Seems like he had a very bitter divorce, the legalities of which are still being worked out.
We agreed to meet in a couple of weeks but will let things settle in my head.