Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

[Pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Forgot to add, in his profile he talks about activities he does with his DD as if she’s currently in his life and so I’m not sure why he would write this if he hasn’t seen her for 2 years....

Ooh yes a couple of significant red flags there milomonster. Go carefully. A decent guy who hasn't done anything wrong would fight tooth and nail for contact with his child.

And the age thing, whilst I think is quite common for guys to lie, is a big no no for me. If they can lie about such a simple easily verifiable thing that would become obvious sooner or later in a relationship, what else is he lying about?

@Milo tread carefully but....there are many men who have lost contact with their kids entirely through not having the resources or wherewithal to fight against the residential parents withdrawal of contact. It cost my ex an eye watering fortune and tbh sacrifices that virtually destroyed other aspects of his life to see his boy and even then...there have been periods of almost a year where he hasn't. But still....tread very very carefully. Irrespective whether he's a good and determined father....it is nevertheless a potential shit storm you'd be walking into in a LTR scenario

Thank you both for your perspectives. Yes the age thing bothers me as it’s still a lie and the profile reads very oddly if he hasn’t seen his child for so long. I think I’ll let this one go.

Hi all, I've just been using Bumble for ages but wondering if any other sites are good? I seem to have run out with Bumble....

@Milo, I think dad's not having access to their kids is more common than we think. And the resources needed to fight it are huge.

Not being able to drive is a deal breaker for me. I live in a village so not that easy to get to using public transport. It did my head in when i dated a non driver, he expected me to run around after him.

@NorthernFlowerHouse I 100% agree with what YeahCorvid said about this one. There are some fellas who NSA sex seems to happen with easily and euphemistic/flirty messages seem fun and relaxed. And then there are the ones where it ends up feeling creepy and like any woman would do ... it's not a measure of their actual attraction to you. The 'excited' comment was definitely weird, and seems like a way of testing the waters to see if you would take things further that night.

@subspace The paying for drinks thing just sounds to me like one of the inadvertently awkward things than can happen in the first few dates. I had one of those during my date with Mr Tall ... I always pay half, but the screen with the price was a bit far away and my eyesight is a bit shit. In the few seconds I hesitated while trying to see it properly, Mr Tall offered to pay. I don't think he originally intended to, but interpreted my hesitation as expecting him to pay, which I absolutely did not.

@RunsforCake14 That's great about your Tinder match!! What have you got planned for next weekend's date?

@Oakleygirl Your phone call story is very weird. Whatever could he be getting out of it? He wouldn't even know if you actually went through with it and phoned the number, unless it was someone who lived in the some house as him.

@Eesha Your date sounds like it went pretty well, even if it's not going to work long term. I haven't been dating for long, only a few months, but I can list something I've learned from every single date I've been on. It sounds like the distance thing has been confirmed for you after this date, so that's good to know when assessing future date potential, and also what that 'click' feels like when a date is going well. It will help you not to settle for the wrong guy.

@MiloMonster Lying is a pretty big deal for me, even for short-term dating, so I would want a very good explanation from him regarding his age and contact with his daughter. The only reason he lied about his age was to deliberately deceive women looking for men within a certain age range. And lying about activities with his daughter is, again, designed to make him look better to potential partners. Everyone wants to put their best foot forwards, but when it's untruthfulness, it would make me unwilling to consider them as a a longer term partner.

My date with Mr Tall was not a great success. We both tried really, really hard, but the conversation felt forced, which was a shame, as we'd had such easy free-flowing text conversations. And the end of the evening was particularly awkward. He offered to drive me back to my car, which was parked at a nearby train station. When we got there, I said thanks for a lovely evening, and then hesitated for a few seconds to figure out what to say next. Then he said 'I'm getting the feeling that you're expecting me to do something now', which I wasn't AT ALL. I said 'oh no, no' and practically ran out of the car. But now I feel super awkward.

Mr BoardGames and I have been exchanging flirty texts, which is nice. He's my main iron at the moment, aside from the intermittent Mr Meter. I haven't heard from Mr SlowBurn, although that's not unusual.

But I'm feeling completely disillusioned with OLD with a bruised ego and knock to my self-confidence after my recent ghosting. I haven't even been swiping, which is a shame, because my ex's grandparents are looking after our children for the next 2 weeks of school hols, so I don't even have to pay for babysitting for dates. I should be making the most of this time!

So tell me this folks....in terms of 'longest previous relationship'....do you judge a person on that or is it just me. Maybe because of my age and the age range I'm looking at - I really do. So 40 -50, men with longest relationships at 2+ years. For me that's an absolute no. 5+ years is ok with me but the minimum range. Anyone else do it or is it just me?

@AprilFool18 also feeling disillusioned here, I have no irons in the fire post MrFluffyDog and just really craving that emotional connection even more. I went on Bumble to get my confidence back but it's just seemed to give me a small taste of something small but not the whole package. Opened the app this morning and just felt my heart sink at all the blah profiles.....do I resign myself to life without affection?!

@supercali77 I do the same though haven't been OLD long. I'm early 40s so just would find it odd if someone didn't have anything long relationship wise. That said, my best friend hadn't had any long term relationships ever, same age, and she met someone who was exactly the same.

Well my excitement at finally getting a Tinder match was short lived. I sent him a message yesterday morning and finally got a reply very late last night. And he just said 'hope you had a good day'. After Saturday evening's funny chit chat, it was a bit of a let down.
We had agreed to meet next weekend but haven't sorted out time or place. I'm expecting him to find an excuse to cancel now.

Eesha I feel the same when I look at most of the profiles. I wonder how they expect to get dates with bad photos and no profile.

The lying about age thing is gross. We search within age ranges and a man who lies is saying he wants a woman who is younger (most men do), but so much younger that she wouldn't choose to date or sleep with him had she known his real age. The more I think about it, that's just creepy AF, although I don't suppose they think they're doing anything wrong. it probably also explains the massive differences in how well men OLD look to have aged

Shame date with Mr Tall wasn't very interesting @aprilfool18 . We've all had awkward ends to dates like that too! 😅 would you see him again and see if it got better? If so you're probably not lost him with that, chances are he'll put out down to nerves or something. Maybe doing an activity together would help take the focus onto something shared, rather than about each other? I had a date earlier this year that was more like a job interview, it was so awkward.

@SuperCauli77 I'm mid 30s and my most serious relationship was just over 1 year. I haven't had a relationship of any kind for 6-7 years, I just lost interest after a series of hilariously tragic OLD dates, two "organically met" men (one probably not single like he said he was, one had an awful entitled attitude to sex) and unrequited... not love but lust and could have been love, for an old friendship rekindled. I genuinely don't think I'm a bad catch, my worst point is I'm fat, and whoever dates me has to not mind or even embrace that because I've checked out of the toxic dieting cycle. I don't insist on a certain body type for who I date although sturdier would make me feel less like I'd break him and in my naivety I'd like to meet somebody like me (who has had serious relationship(s) but just not met the one, or who put career first for a while now realises they want a partnership). Of course, I'm learning that people who haven't been in longer relationships aren't without their baggage, and/but those who have, also have their baggage, just a different type that I don't have experience of. I think I'm getting more open to not caring about length of relationship history, I'd just like to find out about their dating and relationship pasts and see if they sound reasonable.

Morning, daters

Wow! Some extended date activity over the weekend. Impressed! And happy for you

Some downbeat moods too... I have to say I'm not buzzing over anyone right now. Some irons that may come to something. No one setting my world alight.

Too busy (and too geographically scattered) to start swiping again this week. I feel a lot more centred and a lot more at peace with it all though so I'm definitely not in that jittery scatter gun place that I was when I came back to this thread a couple of weeks (?) ago. This feels good (but is utterly unsustainable of course, I always freak out again at some point)

I think being more open cannot be a bad thing - I thought I needed to be a lot more judgemental and I was right, I should be but you need to exercise the judgement at the correct point -I.e not immediately!

Things that can appear as red flags may actually be unfortunate circumstances

I also found myself really trying to make a good connection with someone without any sex (frustrating as it was) because then it felt like it was based on my personality and not what the other person could gain from you

Essentially I am compromising some of my ‘ideals’ - I did not want a man with small kids, and I have ended up dating one who is the resident parent!! He also has a messy sounding situation with his ex but it is the way he seems to be taking the better road in it all that impressed me, I think I would rather give people the benefit of the doubt and have the option to walk away if I can’t reconcile it at all, you might not be wasting your time entirely after all

I tend to stick with under 50 - I’m late 30’s and I just didn’t feel ready for that next age generation - my mum is only just turned 60. I would not like a liar full stop!

I also prefer a sturdy man! I do not feel body type compatible with someone slim. Previous experience tells me very fit men tend to judge your diet and lifestyle if you are of the curvier variety

Sorry @subspace - I missed your long interesting post before posting mine.

Yes, everyone has baggage and like Pookie says the question is: how are they handling it? Are they a whining brat? An angry HULK? Or a gentleman?

the ones that make me laugh are the ones who put in their OLD profile "the main lady in my life is my precious daughter princess unicorn, who is 5, and will always come first, so DEAL WITH IT" and then you find out they take the daughter princess unicorn to macdonalds once a fortnight and can't understand why you aren't available the other 13 days.

Yeah I've been dating a year now and I'm a lot more, um, shrewd than I was. Examples:

PREVIOUS THOUGHT "Isn't it interesting how different people age differently?"
CURRENT THOUGHT "liar."

PREVIOUS THOUGHT "glad he's so close to his kids and has such a functional relationship with his ex"
CURRENT THOUGHT "erm, she thinks they're still together, doesn't she"

PREVIOUS THOUGHT "so cosmopolitan! so groovy! So much travel, so fun!"
CURRENT THOUGHT "married and works abroad from choice"

eesha I am also now only on bumble. OKC is just a nightmare as you never know who likes you unless you pay and I couldn't be bothered with it. Someone suggested Match to me so I'm contemplating doing that....I had success on it before tbh.

My dates were all a bit meh this weekend. Didn't feel it with MrMusic, MrCoast is shit in bed (tried again and it was just rubbish) and MrLBG (FWB) have a fabulous time but I am finding it hard to define how our relationship will continue going forward once either of us finds someone.

MrNorth1 is still patiently lurking. I have MrForeign wanting to meet but don't hold out much hope for him (we've only chatted online so far).

Other than that, no new irons....sigh. I'm also not really feeling it at the moment. It is tough this online game!

@DaffoDeffo what does he do (or not do) that makes it so shit?

Technically MrAnxious should have registered as shit in bed but he’s got a lot of potential 😂

Got chatting last night with a guy who is doing a phd in something scientific. Made the mistake of chatting along with the subject why oh why I don't know maybe I was trying to impress him as I have a reasonable grounding in biology and work in a not totally different field. Turns out I was out of my depth quite quickly! 😂 and now he's messaging me talking knowledgeably about my field about stuff I have NO idea about (it's stuff I don't need to know and is in his field) and I'm all 😳😳😳 and 😅 and not sure what to do halp 😂 anyway he seems quite nice, I'll call him Mr Intelligent Scientist, and is in the same town as Mr Penpal so I'm hoping at least one of them will take me the to the museum I really want to go to and was supposed to do with Mr Penpal but I was too wet lettuce considerate and said ok lets go to another when he said he'd already been and now I regret that. 😂 Although Mr Intelligent Scientist not aware there were any museums there so perhaps I'll just have to do a daytrip myself one day.

Mr Penpal messaging as normal (a lot) after a quiet day yesterday. Am feeling meh about him.

@yeahcorvid PMSL at taking unicorn princess to McDonald's one a fortnight!

@pookiedo I avoid the ultra fit ones after both I and a friend had some come on to us that were freakily fetishised the differences between his toned vs our flabby curvy bodies, and I think at least one was a feeder. I'd like to be fancied and my body celebrated, but not if it resulted in me feeling like a kinky freak show! I'd forgive superfit as if it were a negative not a positive, if all else was promising.

I was in my last RS with a very body concious Guy - he didn’t have a 6 pack he was slim but worked on the basis that basically not bothering to eat much at all was a good diet and constantly judging me on what I ate and giving me ‘advice’. It felt often he was very much ‘you would be very beautiful if you lost weight....’ type 😡

I was OLD in my early 30s and met my daughter a dad through it and at that point it didn't concern me (longest relationship). For some reason it does now...just purely my age has changed. But you're right - baggage is baggage. For example one of my exes and I were together just over 10 years and maaaan...he was a problem as it turned out.

@Cauli I feel a bit like that about how young their children are... like why did you have children if it was going tits up already, or did you not stay long enough to try to work things out after the children were born. Cynical, moi??

@pookiedo eff that for a judgy game of soldiers!

I was actually thinking about trying Plenty of Fish but didn't want to spread myself around per se. I'm feeling a bit disillusioned after my last date, great physical chemistry because I believe we talked quite a bit beforehand but now this has really made me pine for intimacy and romance. I feel a bir ghosted as i texted yesterday morning saying i agreed with the distance issue but had a lovely time. He immediately wrote back agreeing and thst would mail me later but nothing since then.
i dont even know why I care but guess I felt we could somehow continue chatting. At least pre OLD, I was just mooching about being alone, but now I'm out there a bit, I'm feeling a bit sadder for what I don't have. My ex who is an alcoholic, is still with girlfriend who he met post me, yet I'm alone!