Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

[Pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Hi all, and hi to anyone that is new! This is such a lovely supportive thread.
runs don't give up, but try not to make it your main focus, remember it only takes one person. I've had trouble finding people to talk to but I'd decided just to focus on enjoying my time with my girls and having dating as a little side thing. I've stepped away from my phone a bit and I feel so much more relaxed. I don't delete the apps, I just don't spend as much time looking on them.
super really hope you manage to get on your date.
rich I think she actually sent a really lovely text and I think it shows that she had a lot of respect for you so don't underestimate the positive impact you must have had on her for her to have done that. I saw your other thread, please don't be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you are still recovering from your last relationship, it will get easier and you will feel better and more confident with time (I am speaking from experience)
So, I promised an update on my date from Monday night. Oh my goodness, he was soooo lovely. As soon as I saw him i knew I really fancied him, which is incredibly rare for me. We went for coffee, he was nervous but in a very sweet way, the chat was easy, no awkward silences, he has the nicest smile ever. We went for a walk, held hands, lots of kissing, we ran out of time for food because we were too distracted so ended up just sharing some chips😁.
I have only once kissed someone on a first date before!
Anyway, we are both pretty desperate to see each other again so think we'll see eaxh other Thursday or Friday then Sunday. I'm really excited about this guy, he seems genuinely nice, reserved and just lovely!

@cakecrumbs WOW! That is so great. Everything crossed for you. This is the kind of news we all need. All the best to you both

Thanks yeah, I have everything crossed too!
Gosh, sorry about my lack of paragraphs, how embarrassing!

I can see your paragraphs.

Heard from Lovely Friend last night and I'm feeling a bit unsettled today: having to keep saying He Is Not Your Guy a lot again.

The thing is: I feel so much better than I did around a year ago. Before I started dating I honestly felt that no one would ever want me again. I was quite overweight, very frumpy, very out of touch with my inner spark, very much just sort of plodding around going through the motions. Since then I have found that I am a perfectly desirable woman and have lots of exciting, deep friendships (mainly non sexual ones with women!) and have had a fair few flings. Despite this, I still feel disheartened that so few men are really nice and really sexy. And I need to feel good in myself: I am a me now that the me of back then felt entirely out of reach; a person I thought I had left behind with youth. But you don't need to be young to be vital and sexy

ok I've cracked it, don't listen to Roxy Music; it makes you feel wistful

YeahCorvid your last paragraph could've been written by me. After I got out of my marriage, I lost weight, took up a new sport, started enjoying life. Sadly, all the men I meet are exactly the opposite. They put on weight and have no interest in doing anything with their lives (just like my ex).

I've become very fussy about who I'll chat to or date, which is probably why I'm not getting anyone interested in me. I was guilty of going out on dates with almost any one who asked but quickly realised it was just wasting everyone's time. I'd like to meet someone like me, but it seems that many men think life ends at 50 and won't consider anyone over that age.

cakecrumbs if I'm on the apps then I'm guilty of checking my phone too much. I need to find a way to hide them so I'm not tempted to keep looking.
Your date sounds amazing! That's why I keep checking into this thread - to hear that it is possible to find good men to date.

I think you are right to be fussy, @runsforcake

runs I don't know if you remember but I was having exactly the same issue as you. Definitely keep being fussy, no point in dating people that you know aren't suitable! This is the only date I have managed to secure for a very long time, but so far he just seems fab! Maybe just check the apps twice a week?

Thank you all for the kind words.

She actually messaged me last night and asked if there was any chance that we could at least be friends.

I said yes of course.

cakecrumbs you have inspired me! I'm going to set up a new POF profile at the weekend. But I'm just going to use the website, not the app. It will be slow but that suits me for now. If I don't have the app on my phone, then I can't check it.

rich that's good news. Just be careful you don't get hurt. Friends is difficult when you have stronger feelings for them.

Hi peeps, I'm due to go on a date on Saturday but my date was sorting out his accommodation for the evening, ie whether his friends were available. I asked on Saturday whether it was still on and he said yes definitely, but at worst we would need to just move the date if they weren't around.

So now when do I check again if still on. I really need to know by end of tmw so I can make other plans. However I'm trying to be cool by not over texting as I felt a bit like I was doing more than he was. I didn't contact him much yesterday and then got a message at night saying he was not ignoring me but was at a work meeting yesterday and today. I hadn't prompted him to say anything so I presume this shows interest still?

Eesha I would just text and ask him to let you know by tomorrow if the date is still on because you have other plans if not. That’s what I do. One of my absolute non negotiables is no flakiness though. I don’t have the time to waste a weekend on a flakey date when I could be out with friends or doing something else.

Yeahcorvid it was really good thanks! We dtd and he’s just really easy to get along with and a genuine person. He’s only here for work for a few months so I think that has helped take the pressure off. I don’t need to overthink anything because it’s just short term fun.

I would ask casually again about the plans

I’m having a crisis of confidence suddenly about Mr Anxious and if I am in the friend zone. I tried to lightly ramp up the flirting to Gauge his reaction: he calls me beautiful - like ‘hey beautiful’ which you wouldn’t say to a friend, right?

So he did flirt back - not as full on as me, and made some comments about being a ‘gent’ which is nice, but at the same time I don’t know if he even really fancies me like I do him 😂

@pookiedo, not all men think that flirting isn't sleazy. A word like "gent" may be code for "I fancy the pants off you but I'm not sure how much is decent to express"

@Badhairday1001 - glad last night was good!

@Eesha - do ask. People often are flaky nowadays and it is not needy to make sure - and to know if you are free to make other plans.

Oh man. feeling weary and empty tonight. Sometimes it's hard not being loved.

oh fuck fuck fuck

I feel like I can’t remember what it is like to be loved 😳
Literally by my kids only so not romantically
No man has told me he loves me for 10 years

Ah Corvid is it OLD that’s making you feel rubbish or just life in general today? OLD has a way of really messing with my self esteem. I end up deleting for a while when I’m feeling shit because I need to be at full resilience level to cope with it.

Thanks all, I texted a couple of hours ago just to check but nothing heard yet. Luckily have other plans but would be disappointed if it doesn’t happen as would definitely make me question my gut feelings with people!

@badhairday1001 it's everything really, but yes dating is a mindfuck. I do get these sudden howling horrors at times and I start flailing around for quick fix solutions. Trying to be sensible about not: grabbing a bottle; grabbing my phone and texting random guys; can lead to a sense of panic that the horrors will never be quelled. In the end you just have to sit with the horrors and live with the nausea till it goes away.

I'm apparently fairly functional but I've felt shit and unstable my whole life and my relationships are terrified responses to the sense of the howling void, so not very considered or healthy. Lovely Friend, and NOT dating him, is part of all this. when the void is clawing at my feet and trying to drag me in it feels like a disaster that he isn't my guy. When I breathe and think about it I remember why I chose not to go into that and what exactly I have said no to. But the truth remains that I want to be loved and he is, by virtue of being nice to me, the closest thing I have to love from a man and so I feel the lack of him not being any more, although I would run a mile from the sort of relationship he could / would offer me.

Do I need to go no contact? Why does everything nice have to be taken away?

Stopped myself from panic texting Mr Port and demanding a date though so there's that

YeahCorvid you sound really self aware and analytical. I can’t offer any advice on Lovelyfriend, but YOU sound lovely.

What does everyone think about Extreme Texting? I’ve taken your advice and virtually forgotten about the amazing sex player I met at the weekend, am back in the saddle, and have been chatting to a man I’ll call Mr Hairy Artist since Monday evening. We’ve arranged a date on Sunday, but since then, have exchanged about 300 texts Mostly nice and chatty, funny, flirty, and lots of pictures (a lot of them stupid ones). Am I getting it wrong?

Feels like I’m trying to play a game without knowing the rules

@AntideluvianCat sounds like great fun, I guess my concern would be running out of steam before your actual date? But I think another op said here, if the texting is relatively equal on both sides, then can't be bad! Hope you have a great time!

I am in the void between dates with MrCoast, MrMusic1 and Fwb MrLBG.

I am running out of steam to contact new people on bumble.

I REALLY like MrCoast but he is same age as me (mid/late 40s) but has no kids. And is undecided about having them. So why go out with me?! (Can't have any more). I am seeing him again next Tuesday so need to address this with him because I don't want to waste his time nor do I want to get more involved if he's going to bugger off for someone 10 years younger months down the line.

But my god he is so sexy and fun!

Yeahcorvid like Anti said you do sound lovely. OLD definitely has a way of fucking with our heads!
Maybe going non contact would help if you’re finding it really hard to be in contact with him. I know for me that distance and the passing of time help me put most things in to perspective.
I feel the opposite about love at the moment. It feels much safer to keep things casual than to stray in to that territory. I think that just highlights how OLD works though. It’s an absolute spectrum of feelings and expectations from everyone on there so it makes it really difficult to find ones that meet your own.

@eesha oh that's difficult. I struggle with organising around just the 1 child. How old are yours? Mine's 4

@cake that sounds fabulous! It seems like choosing quality over quantity is the way forward .... resonates with my situation 🤔

@yeah I don't know the story behind lovely freind or your situation but I've meditated for the last 20 or so years and dont know where I'd be without it....do you have or would you consider anything like that? Tai chi is a good alternative if you don't fancy sitting still.

YeahCorvid hope you got a good night's sleep and feel a bit better today.
It sounds like no contact is the way forward. Or less contact, if that's possible. And the age old advice of finding something else to occupy your time. Easier said than done, I find!