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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

999 replies

Pringlecat · 31/08/2018 03:02

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
YeahCorvid · 10/09/2018 22:27

I'm struggling to connect with anyone I've matched with.... not sure if I'm just not finding anyone with anything interesting to say, or if it's me and I'm just jaded

supercali77 · 10/09/2018 22:39

@yeah I reckon there must be 'tides' with dating. Sometimes it really is like pulling teeth.

Cakecrumbs · 10/09/2018 22:44

yeah I'm finding it the same just now, also lots of guys arranging a date with me then going quiet!
Is anyone on this thread late 30s - early 40s and dating in Scotland?

supercali77 · 10/09/2018 22:51

@cake meeee! I'm 40 and in Scotland.

Cakecrumbs · 10/09/2018 22:53

Waving like crazy at suoercali !!

Cakecrumbs · 10/09/2018 22:53

Ugh supercali!

supercali77 · 10/09/2018 22:53

I was plagued by arranging and then going quiet for a while. If you meet an attractive psychologist on pof and he asks for a coffee... Just ignore him 😂

Cakecrumbs · 10/09/2018 22:54

Oh was he Edinburgh and London based?

supercali77 · 10/09/2018 22:56

Well He said he was glasgow/irvine/paisley. Might be the same guy though. I've not met any other psychologist on there....he doesn't turn up for coffees I can say that much 🙄

Cakecrumbs · 10/09/2018 22:57

I think I may already have had the pleasure of being ignored by him after arranging a date, claimed to be Canadian? ! Haha! I wonder if we have dated any of the same men. Although not likely seeing as I can't even get a date. My recent ex is on POF though 😁. Would be hilarious if you had been on a date with him.

supercali77 · 10/09/2018 23:00

I was just thinking we must have chatted/dated/met same people....ita not exactly a big pond. Oh how awkward that he's on there! What annoys me about pof is you can't preemptively block!

dragonflyflew · 10/09/2018 23:02

'What annoys me about pof is you can't preemptively block!'

Yep. I was frantically looking for this option when I first joined Grin

Cakecrumbs · 10/09/2018 23:03

Yeah it isn't great. I only just put a profile up and he was one of the first to view it.
I have only been on one date in recent months, a guy from Edinburgh but was nothing there. The rest keep disappearing on me.

supercali77 · 10/09/2018 23:40

Yeah you know if they wanted to create a properly female safety freindly app the pre emptive block would be right up there....or just safety freindly full stop. Do any of them do it?

Tbh @cake I've found the last while to be the same. Lots of last min cancellations or convos going nowhere. What's the point. Bloody annoying. I'm time strapped but am of the mind to just meet and see....i don't see the big issue with doing that which seems to plague the dating population roind here atm

Cakecrumbs · 10/09/2018 23:44

Yes I'm the same, it is almost as if they're not really interested in actually meeting women. Been speaking to a lovely younger guy that seems genuine. So fingers crossed that'll turn into a date - it's my only hope.
Do you think you'll see your date from tonight again?

supercali77 · 10/09/2018 23:53

I know. I'd have thought men would be slightly more gung ho for actual meeting but doesn't really seem to be the case? Got my fingers crossed for you with the younger man!

I think I'd be happy to yeah. We had a very wee kiss at the end and he smelled nice 😂

Cakecrumbs · 10/09/2018 23:59

Yes, I have my everything crossed for me, haha.
Your date's name didn't start with C did it?

Eesha · 11/09/2018 00:08

Hello peeps,

MrGym unmatched me after pestering me for sex over the last few days and me saying no. Clearly not a keeper!
MrFluffyDog seems to be sounding absolutely lovely and too good to be true. Has been messaging me all day long over the last 5 days and we have had some long conversations. Trying to arrange a night out together. My issue is I was only dipping my toe into the dating world but I actually found myself thinking I could actually really like him, and it's freaking me out. I came out of an abusive relationship at the start of this year, and I'm scared of anything new/very hard to trust. I'm finding myself scared to go on a date in case he likes me (and then I'd need to deal with the upheaval in my life) or that he doesn't feel any connection (which is almost easier to deal with than the former). Should I even meet him?

Cakecrumbs · 11/09/2018 00:20

Hi eesha if you feel strong enough and resilient enough then definitely meet him, I think it is easy to think we have built a real connection with someone but until we meet them we can't know for sure. Then I suppose if you like him then just take things slowly.
I'm still feeling a bit shaky after my last break up so I'm probably being very cautious but I feel that I need to be that way to get through this difficult phase. Just do what feels right for you! Definitely sounds like an improvement on MrGym though!

supercali77 · 11/09/2018 00:24

@cake...inboxed you!

Eesha....hard to say really...for me I just meet but if you've come out of a traumatic relationship and feeling vulnerable....maybe if you want to meet him do it during the day and make sure you have something going on which you have to get to after the meeting so you know you're leaving. Gives you a wee safety valve and then you can reassess/see if any red flags are flying. Or yeah if you feel like this is too much for you right now then make the choice which feels safe and comfortable.

Eesha · 11/09/2018 05:10

@cakecrumbs you are right, I could be over thinking things so I will try and take the better approach and be cool and see if we actually click in real life at all. It's so easy to get carried away by someone with a good way with words and nice manner. Just have to remember that I never came here for anything serious

YeahCorvid · 11/09/2018 07:14

Eesha, I agonised a lot over the "ready to date" thing. I knew I wasn't ready and I left it for a year before jumping in. Then I still wasn't ready but I did it anyway. I think I was never going to be ready before getting some experience.

The first man I connected with online was not a spectactular human being and I had much warmer feelings for him than he deserved. I sort of knew this at the same time as doing it and it was something I had to go through - the learning curve of feeling feelings, realising they were misplaced, realising that no one was going to save me from getting deeper in that was sensible than me, and then recovering from it all.

For me it was a very aware and short-circuited version of a thing I had been through in cycles my whole life, usually in a much more self destructive way.

  • meet not-great man
  • feel flattered and excited his affections - far too moved by all this as I was insecure
  • get very involved and exaggerate every trait of this that tenuously implies we are right for each other; ignore red flags
  • work really hard on a relationship, loving too much, losing myself
  • when literally no other choice, get out, feeling absolutely destroyed
  • recover
  • start again

In the past that cycle has taken 3 - 13 years. This time, with my eyes wide open, I completed it in 6 weeks (by leaving out the "working hard on the relationship" part I guess!)

So: I would say that dating when I "wasn't ready" was an important part of my personal development. It sounds like you are like me - you like to feel, you like to like someone and you can imbue someone with all kind of good characteristics they don't have. If you are feeling yourself doing that - then go in and take a good look. If you think you can come out again. I don't know if you can develop by hanging back and waiting for time to do it, on its own.

Eesha · 11/09/2018 07:55

@yeahcorvid thank you for taking the time to reply, so much rings true. I think, if we actually do hit it off in real life, it will be very daunting for me. I'm already trying to spot the red flags somewhat, still separated but not divorced on paper, which I had with my ex and in his case, he was so angry with his ex that he didn't file papers. Here it seems like he doesn't want to disrupt things for his child at college but also to me, maybe he doesn't want to let things go. Can't hurt to meet just so I'm out of my comfort zone a bit!

YeahCorvid · 11/09/2018 07:57

yes that's what I think - with your eyes open.
Talk to us, talk to other friends. It really helped me to have people to talk to about that guy I was dating for 6 weeks. I really opened up to people and it centred me

YeahCorvid · 11/09/2018 07:58

I "met" a guy online last night and got into a little bit of sexting. I am not sure if I ever want to meet him but there is something so disgustingly fun about it. sigh.