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Original poster

Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

999 replies

Pringlecat · 31/08/2018 03:02

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pringlecat · 08/09/2018 22:15

Have been trying Hinge. There seem to be lots of people who aren't on Tinder, Bumble and POF, so a new pool. And in general, the men seem more interesting.

However, matched with one and conversation rapidly went downhill to the point where I unmatched with him. So... I think they just hide their sleaziness better on Hinge.

The men also seem to be much younger - on POF, I get more interest from men who are, maybe, 7 years older? On Hinge, it's up to 9 years younger!

Anyone, hope the above helps give some background on demographic for anyone thinking of trying it.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 08/09/2018 23:21

I am just back from 2nd date with Mr Anxious. We had a good 1st date where I felt he wanted to be honest and upfront about being an anxiety sufferer and I really fancied him. Texting all week and was natural

He had a panic attack at the table whilst we were eating tonight

I am in such a dilemma. Being an anxiety sufferer myself, I do get it. But I am way more in control of mine and he is clearly having a bad time. He’s already embarrassed by it. I dealt with it so nicely and sympathetically but I ended up giving him a lot of counselling and reassurance he seems a nice guy, I didn’t have a bad date. TBH at this point the flirting is dying and my sexual urges that were strong are too. I am becoming a good friend! I don’t want to be mean but I don’t know if this something I can do. He isn’t really looking for a counsellor girlfriend to be fair to him. He’s just not doing well. But how on earth can I be a bitch and kill this dating without really hurting him? Or do I stick it out? I do like him and I do fancy him. I just wish we didn’t spend so much time talking about anxiety! I want to have fun Sad

Lovemusic33 · 08/09/2018 23:47

Pookie He sounds very much like Mr VW although we haven't even met yet he talks a lot about his anxiety. Like you I suffer from anxiety too but don't feel the need to discus it all the time. I worry how anxiety could make mine worse. I'm not sure how to solve it, maybe once you have done the deed he will relax a bit, or doing the deed could be a disaster.

supercali77 · 09/09/2018 07:17

@PookieDo Maybe you could just say you can see hes at a difficult point with it and you reckon it's best if he kinda concentrates on himself? Tbf....it probably is best if he does that if he's having regular public panic attacks.

Eesha · 09/09/2018 07:23

Ok I bit the bullet and went on my first Bumble date with Mr Gym. He was very hard work, even saying I looked bigger in real life than my pics 😨. I totally wanted to cry thinking why was I here but then it started to flow more. He is hard core into fitness and discipline so was just being gruff but I think he chilled a lot by the end and we had a good kissing session, my first in almost a year! He definitely wanted more than this but I laid my cards on the table and said this was all very new to me. It did make me think maybe I couldn't do the FWB thing in reality as I think I'd get emotionally involved. He wants to see me again but I think that's just for sex.
Second iron is MrFluffyDog, pretty far away but so nice and decent that we kept chatting. I sound superficial but he is 5ft 8 so thinking would this be an issue. He wants to take me on a date and being so calm and fun that I'm actually considering it.

PookieDo · 09/09/2018 08:08

Having slept on it, his anxiety is really out of control. Some of the things he was saying its really obvious he’s got racing thoughts. He brought up stuff from a year ago that is still on his mind! He’s not even taking medication anymore

I think as I have been so nice an sympathetic he’s taken this as a green light to offload on me, partly my fault but probably better now than suddenly in 3 months!

I just don’t think he’s ready

VixenSixen · 09/09/2018 08:27

Eesha. I wouldn't be entertaining a second date with a man who's opening line was you look bigger in real life - seriously. How rude was he! Red flag. I wouldn't excuse that behaviour either - give him a swerve!

Pookie clearly not ready for anything and I think he probably needs to work on himself a lot more before he throws himself out there dating. But you're right, it's too early to be taking on someone and being a counsellor to him. It's too much pressure too soon.... Totally different if youve been in a relationship for a longer time. Your relationship could become very imbalanced and draining very quickly.

So.... After MrImNotReady declared that he wanted to pick up where we left off on Monday he's still been incredibly flaky and I've made the decision to step away. He's clearly got so much to deal with and this has most definitely been a case of right guy wrong time. Bit sad about it but that's just the way things are - don't really want to be waiting around for someone who isn't at the same point I am. I think we'll remain friends but that's all.

Yesterday I ended up having a date with a guy I'd got talking to in the morning - had a free day and thought why the hell not. Had a lovely date, going to meet again. I'm holding back massively this time after being unexpectedly burnt by MrImNotReady. I'm going to call him MrCat. He was much more measured and natural, seems to have all his marbles in one place 🤣😂. So this one is going SLOW. Had a couple of drinks + some nibbly food, longer date than I expected but it felt good.

Every date I have been on teaches me something new about men..... This date has just cemented all my feelings about the situation with MrImNotReady.

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend & good dates x

PookieDo · 09/09/2018 08:29

No i wouldn’t have kissed the gym guy either! He sounds horrible!

coolcahuna · 09/09/2018 09:02

@pookie, you sound like you were lovely to him ! But as you say, it's a bit much at the second date stage and can't see how he won't be able to bring that anxiety into a relationship. I dated someone with low level anxiety which manifested itself in constantly checking if 'we were ok' - he ended up finishing it !

@eesha, I'd see gym guy as you getting first snog out of the way and move on. He sounds like he's only after one thing!

Just had a little swipe. It's bad when you recognise profiles and even dated a few of them isn't it!

I'm left with 2 irons.
MrTravel- the one who was breadcrumbing and upped his game.

MrPopup - randomly popped up again yesterday on tinder.

I've got alot going on at work at the moment so not really giving it my all on the dating front.

coolcahuna · 09/09/2018 09:04

Oh and just sent a text to someone I've been chatting to for about 3 weeks who lives locally. Despite several not very subtle hints from me about swopping numbers and meeting up - nada, zilch.
I can't be arsed to spend weeks talking to someone who just wants a pen pal.

DaffoDeffo · 09/09/2018 09:08

Pondering seeing MrNorth1 tonight (this will be 3rd date) but still not sure if I want to go out with him.

Mr Music still v uncommunivative. I don't know if this is just his way but it's making me feel insecure. When we meet up he says how much he likes me then I don't hear from him for days (and get a bland have a nice day text) and when I did message him, he told me he felt I was being too 'overkeen'. My male friends think I should drop him - that he is either heavily involved with someone else or just not interested enough. They are almost certainly right. Meant to be doing dinner with him this week so we will see...

Dropping Mr North2 as not enough spark. New person has appeared this week called MrM but he's said v openly that he is open to a non monogamous relationship.

Other than that, nothing on the horizon

coolcahuna · 09/09/2018 09:15

@daffo, Mr music sounds like hard work, his communication won't get any better.

What's the spark like with MrNorthern1?

I've come to my senses about spark..It's never grown for me. If it's not there on first meet, I don't see them again. But that's just me. I ended up hurting someone last year as I ingnored the no spark thing.

RaspberryGirl · 09/09/2018 09:18

So I’ve had two first dates this week:

Date 1: Lied about his occupation, kept sending me selfies (of himself driving) pre and post date. Held my hand after half an hour and I spent the next hour trying to break free and keep my hand around my glass. Next.

Date 2: Blew up my phone for the days prior to the date with constant messaging. Met up and I enjoyed his company, he asked me out again. Post date I heard from him again so I replied with a question and then was met with silence for 24 hours. He finally messaged me with ‘Hello!’ when we should have been on our second date. Delete and next.

I’ve had a couple of guys message an inordinate amount before a first date and it always turns out the same way. I think they do it to try and push things forward more so you’re more likely to have sex with them sooner. I’m not fooled. The latest one ‘missed’ the last train home and I also made it clear that there would be no house dates for the time being. I don’t actually have an issue with dtd quickly but not with guys like this that go out of their way to make out they're looking for something serious. He even said before I met him that he was ‘a little bit in love with me’ and that I was his first Tinder date. Hmm I find it all very amusing.

DaffoDeffo · 09/09/2018 09:20

cool yes it worries me about hurting MrNorth1 as he's a nice guy. I wouldn't say there was no spark. There is something about him that keeps me going back for more. He's just not very exciting....which can be a good thing (but also a bad thing!).

I think I've been spoilt with my fwb which have been extraordinarily passionate. The problem is they are fwb because neither want to go out with me (and vice versa) so that probably says something. Difficult.

I think if Mr Music does sort out dinner (and I feel he might not and then I don't have to worry as it will naturally end!), I will just tell him. He says it's because he gets nervous of over investing at the start of a relationship but I'm not sure I believe him. I just don't know. I wouldn't bother if I wasn't attracted to him as much as I am- he's v good looking!

dragonflyflew · 09/09/2018 11:36

Somebody upthread mentioned Hinge , is it free? What's the deal with it?
I'm a bit bored with pof now, all my irons dying out unless I make all the effort....
After my match waste of time I don't really want to pay for another site.

Cambriandemise · 09/09/2018 11:55

Thank you to everyone for the great advice upthread after my first ‘ghosting’ experience with Mr Disappearing.

I understand now that when he didn’t reply to my ‘All ok for tonight?’ message 2 hours before, that meant the date was off (blindingly obvious now). Was also guilty of ‘quadruple texting’ - the horror...but I have blocked him after sending a polite goodbye message.

I also understand now that ghosting just is a thing, everyone does it and it is often more appropriate than some elaborate ‘this is not working out’ message when you are just strangers on the internet.

So, these are probably all just basic online dating social conventions which I am glad I am learning.

Meeting FWB tomorrow which I am looking forward to and a first date with Mr Normsl on Tuesday, who I have not emotionally invested in at all. I was overly invested in Mr Disappearing because it felt like we had a really good intellectual connection. Mr Normal just seems like a nice, decent, straightforward guy, we have a lot in common, so we will see.

Badhairday1001 · 09/09/2018 12:18

Well done Cambri. It’s a learning curve we’ve all been there. Glad you’re feeling better today.

I was looking forward to seeing Mr Tattoo again next week after an unexpectedly nice first date. We’ve messaged all week and he seemed lovely. Then he went quiet on Friday and I’ve not heard anything since. He’s gone home this weekend after working away for two weeks so I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s just been catching up with things. My gut says he’s lost interest though so I’m backing right off and won’t be messaging again unless I hear from him first.

Badhairday1001 · 09/09/2018 12:24

Eesha I agree with everyone else I definitely wouldn’t go on a second date with a man who’s that rude when he first meets you. He should be on his best behaviour, it’ll only get worse. I also wouldn’t have kissed him!

dragonflyflew · 09/09/2018 13:14

Gym man sounds a cunt. Starts off like that he'll just get worse. Hope you don't meet him again.

PookieDo · 09/09/2018 13:30

No don’t meet him. He’s trying to neg you

PookieDo · 09/09/2018 13:34

I am still confused about Mr Anxious. Today I did text him back and guess what - he had been worrying I didn’t like him anymore!

In the most unbelievable story/twist of fate I have had a message today on LinkedIn of all places from my first ever ‘true love’ who after 20 years is now trying to love bomb me/get me to meet him this week. I know he’s married!

subspace · 09/09/2018 14:02

Pookie... 😱

I also understand now that ghosting just is a thing, everyone does it and it is often more appropriate than some elaborate ‘this is not working out’ message when you are just strangers on the internet.

@cambriandemise I don't think I'll ever agree with this. Just not replying to an opening message or not really replying to chit chat, fine and understandable for online dating. But if you (the rhetorical you, not accusing you personally!) agreed to meet up you should bloody well message if you've changed your mind. A simple, "sorry, I've now met somebody" or "I'm sorry I don't think we are compatible" or if you're really wimpy "sorry, I can't make tonight any more" and just don't rearrange. Something, anything, instead of leaving a person hanging. That is cruel and SO unnecessary.

Yes it has happened to me can you tell

Cambriandemise · 09/09/2018 15:14

@subspace yes definitely not something I would ever do to someone, and not forgiveable, but I am not taking it (too) personally.

subspace · 09/09/2018 15:39

Agree. And sounds like a path of compassion and less pain, very wise! X

subspace · 09/09/2018 15:48

@Raspberry, selfies while driving?!? 😱