Dating Thread 139: clowns swiping left to me, jokers to the right...

[Pringlecat]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Don't move the chat into something sexual, just be upfront on your profile. Plenty of women want fwb. If you're upfront you're saving yourself and her any confusion and awkwardness. If they read your profile and see you're looking for fwb they can choose to reply. that way it's easy to have a sexual conversation inceyouve established she's interested

Frustratingly for you FWB is kind of like a natural thing - you find someone attractive and want to have sex with them, it’s fun enough to keep it on that level. A lot of women think they want FWB but in fact they kind of want exclusive dating partners to have sex with and nothing too heavy but will consider long term for the right person. So women don’t tend To prowl around looking for hook ups. You still have to be relatively dateable. If you just go full on FWB only search I don’t think you would find very nice women either TBH... works both ways. fun uncomplex dating is the angle... sex is a bonus feature

Hi, I have been lurking for a while on this thread so thought I would just say hi.

I am working very, very hard on rule #2. I am definitely extremely guilty of having broken rule 3 and 4. I am at home completely devastated after being stood up on first date by someone who I had been messaging for ages and who I really thought I was building something with. (Yes I have overinvested. I shall call him Mr Dissppearing).

This really is a learning experience and it’s hitting me right at the core of my being.

I started online dating a few months ago, a few years after leaving an 18 year marriage. My first experience was I got caught up in a big mistake, but we are at least friends after that; also have met someone who is now a Fwb or maybe just Bwf but that is good too.

Then there is the one who has me absolutely heartbroken. (Mr Disappearing. Maybe I shouldn’t even give him the honour of a name as he is no longer an iron...)

But anyway that’s me. No questions really. Maybe just some handholding in not falling for Mr Disappearing again. (What excuse could he possibly come up with?!!! I haven’t blocked him on WhatsApp but maybe I should.) That is just so so breaking my heart.

So, joining this journey and trying very hard to stick to the rules.

A general question - are there a lot of people out there who are actually not real people who have no intention of actually meeting. Second question, does anyone agree with the principal of having a phone call with someone before meeting as a way of proving that they are actually a real person? Is that what everyone does?

Thank you.

Maybe also I need some reasons as to why I should not message Mr Disappearing to tell him just how much he has broken my heart. I know I shouldn’t.

I guess this is what it’s all about, making ourselves vulnerable, taking risks and living life, inside out. Just wish it wasn’t quite so painfilled.

Sorry that’s happened to you Cambri and that you’re finding it so hard. It does take a while to develop a thick skin. What helps me is constantly reminding myself that these people are strangers so only allowing myself to invest as much as I would with any stranger in real life. Also I meet quickly and don’t do prolonged messaging. I’ve become much tougher but it’s taken time.
I like watching the Amy Young Monday Mantra you tube videos when I’m feeling fed up. She has helped me with the whole dating game.
If I was you I would block the one from last night. Nobody needs that kind of shit in their life. Then get swiping again.

Cambri, it's shit and not at all uncommon.
block and move on.
get talking to and dating lots of people then you won't care so much about one.

Hi Cambrian welcome to the thread.....

I am a year on in my dating journey and quite a few of the things you said have resonated with me.

My first dating experience out of my LTR was with a guy who messed me around something chronic and it got me off to such a bumpy start.

It's very difficult at the start to not get overinvested and it does get easier in time.

The best advice I can give you is to work on yourself - concentrate on making yourself mentally strong, have high self worth and the guys who put low investment in or who flake on you won't be given a second thought or get under your skin because you know you are worth more.

People are flaky - perhaps intentionally and unintentionaly. It's just how it is. But it does not mean you should tolerate it at all.

I would 100 call someone before a date.... It's a rule of mine now, once I didn't and it could have saved me from the world's most boring date.

There are some great things online about navigating the crazy world of dating which I have used time and time again - still using now.... Check them out:

YouTube Channels:

Mindful Attraction 2.0
Matthew Hussey
Amy young

They all offer something a little bit different but I use them all at different points. Amy young is particularly good for helping you focus on yourself and building up your self worth and setting standards for yourself and what you are willing to tolerate.

Everyone here is such a supportive bunch and the thread has kept me sane on more than one occasion .

Good luck + remember - you are the prize x

Mr cute but vague has been messaging me each evening without fail. Chatty and friendly, limited to one or two messages, I reply in the same vein.
Need to find some new irons as all my current decent ones are fizzling out
The best too are both frequent travellers with work (apparently) so keep disappearing!

Thank you badhairday and dragon flew. I really should have known better. Tried to meet up weeks ago but there was always a reason why they couldn’t. It helps to think of them as just a stranger I have never met. I will watch the Amy Young Monday mantra.

So sorry to hear this happened to you, Cambriandemise. It's difficult not to get swept away when you are talking to someone who seems real - why would anyone do that? I think if you are genuine and engaging genuinely, the mindset of someone who is not being genuine is just bizarre and it's hard to remember how odd people can be.

Well. I had an entertaining phone sex interlude with a man who is now being really grumpy that i can't drop everything and meet him in the next few days. He's young, he can probably do anything he wants any time, I am not sharing all the boring details of my life with him so he can see why I can't - but why should I? Whining demanding men you hardly know are so confusing. If you need some time to arrange a date, it's either because a. you are physically committed and this is honestly the soonest you can get away, or b. you are feeling a bit ambivalent and not prioritising the guy. In either case, whining about it is NOT going to help. I think it just shows how self centred some people can be: they aren't thinking "how will this whining come across? How will it make her feel, and how will that help my cause?" they are just thinking "I want her tit in my mouth NOW and she SHOULD DO WHAT I WANT"

I'm sorry that happened to you cambrian. It is very painful.

cambrian I don't call before a date but I do move v v v quickly to meeting. Like within days if we are getting on on messaging. I'm not great on the phone, I can be quite shy so I tend to find meeting better

Camb sorry you have had a bad expereance with OLD, my first ever iron did the same to me, we were talking for quite a while, arranged to meet up, I drove quite far to meet him and he didn’t turn up, I felt very stupid. I have since been in loads of dates and no one else has stood my up, it does happen but I think most men are not that cruel. Stay positive, there are genuine people out there.

I have a date with Mr Beard on Thursday, I’m feeling very nervous, never dated someone ten years younger than me, not sure why he finds me atractive.

Was hoping to meet Mr VW this weekend but we shall see.

Hi sorry if this is old ground but I could do with your collective wisdom. Been on Bumble for a few weeks as a gentle introduction to OLD but not had many matches so far and only one that went on to be a fairly meh date. Does anyone recommend Bumble boost for maybe a week or is it time to brave another site (bearing in mind I am a sensitive blossom who likes to chat a fair bit)? I think my profile is reasonably perky but perhaps I'm just not what men are after. Thanks in advance OLD gurus.

@Cambri, sorry to hear you've gone through this - its incredibly hard at first. I think the only way is to chat to a few and meet quickly. You can spend hours on it! I've also got a separate dating phone that works for me. It means I check it way less as all my friends are on my main phone. I know this isn't possible for everyone but just a thought.

@Violet, I find Bumble hard work! I've had a few dates from there but I'm not convinced all the profiles are real.

What are everyone's thoughts on Match.com? I'm on Bumble, Tinder and OKCupid, my friend thinks a paid site would be better as less fakes/cheats etc but I'm just not sure. Will I just see the same people? Does anyone know what it costs or if you'll get a deal if you sign up but don't pay immediately?

Hi everyone, been flirting with a bloke much older than me, Mr Gym, and he wants to meet. I don't fancy his face but his body looks wow and I haven't kissed anyone properly for a year. My ex has moved on with loads of girls, should I just meet this bloke (not for sex but just kissing etx) to get an ego boost. I'm very nervous

violet try Tinder, I have more luck on there, bumble I find hard work.

Eesha go for it, look at it as a practice run and a ego boost. I usually date older guys but I’m meeting a younger guy next week for a bit of a ego boost. I’ve just had a short break from dating so I am nervous as hel but I’m sure it will be fine.

violet you need to pay to see who is swiping on you otherwise it is very hard work. It's not that expensive to pay to see your matches but I do think bumble is a bit pointless without that

I have still only had dates from bumble. I'm on OKC and bumble. Have had some nice chats on OKC but no dates.

I wish I could just concentrate on one bloke at a time but if I do it that way it is SO time consuming

bloke1, Mrlovebombingghoster have been confirmed as FWB. I actually just said to them shall we not waste time and just confirm our status lol. I like them both A LOT. I talk to them about dates etc. and actually it's been really useful getting feedback from them both. I hope we stay friends even if we get partnered up but I guess that won't happen.

Still don't know what is happening with Mr M. He is so backwards about coming forwards. I think he wants us but I just don't trust him.

So in the meantime there is Mr North1 who I am due date 3 with but can't find a time for that yet. And Mr Drug who is a new match on bumble. We get on well but his music tastes are a bit hmmm and music is a massive thing to me. Think I will try and meet up with him.

Am busy all weekend with friends so no dates unless I squeeze them in though could do with some FWB action!

happy weekend dating everyone!

Violet I think you can pay for a week on Bumble, unlike Tinder which is a month/6months/year.
Tinder has more traffic but I think Bumble is becoming more popular. Depends where you are.

Eesha just meet him and use him as practice to get over your nerves. You might like him better when you meet.

Love good to hear you have a date with Mr Beard, hope it goes well

cool I was on Match at the beginning of the year and most of my dates came from there in the first couple of months. You can get a free 3 days trial (google it) to see what it's like. Then if you suspend (not cancel) your account before the 3 days are up, it should offer you some deals on membership.
I liked it but ran out of new faces after the first 6 weeks. Some are the same as other sites but I found new people on there.

Corvid completely agree with you about the whining men who have little responsibility so expect you to drop everything to suit them. I've chatted to many that can't understand why my kids and my work come first before meeting them.

@Cambriandemise sorry to hear about your experience but the upside is...its a valuable lesson...you'll be able to sniff out the ones who are bailers early on as you get some more chats and dates under your belt.

@coolcahuna I'm not on it myself atm (was years ago and found it quite Good) but a freind of mine is and says it's dead and isn't renewing....might be better in a more populated area tho?

@Eesha I did that when first dating. Just met, kissed or actually a couple of one night stands. It was kinda tricky emotionally ... Good for getting back into the swing of things but actually after a few of these you might find...actually I want the thing I really want. Defo good for an ego boost initially though.

@YeahCorvid ugh that sounds tedious! He probably has no idea if you're older and have a more demanding job or kids it's hard to be spontaneous. Maybe worth a quick line or not...because whingeing is defo irritating!

Tinder question. After you've done your initial swiping and eliminated most of the men on there, how long do people keep their profile on there waiting for matches?
Whenever I've done Tinder before, I've given up after about a week because I have no matches or boring chats. So I just delete my profile and start again a few weeks later.
Because I think that if someone has already swiped left on me, they're not going to see me again and change their mind. But a friend said that left swipes often reappear, so I should leave my profile there, just in case.

Any views from the thread?

I haven't done tinder Runs but I know on bumble (which is really a tinder lite), matches re appear all the time. I just got someone try and match with me again for the 3rd time. So I think it's perfectly possible that people come back and re look.

I think people date, it doesn't work, they come back and re evaluate. And they hone down what they are looking for (or in my case, get more clueless as time goes on!).

I unexpectedly (well last minute) met Mr Beard today. Things went a bit pear shaped before meeting when he told me his ex was using his car to take there son out. His profile states that he doesn’t have any children 😐, I questioned this and he made up some excuse that he was drunk whilst he made his POF profile henss why his age was also wrong. By then he was already on his way to meet me so I went ahead and met him (probably not the best idea). Just spent 2 hours chatting, he seems lovely and totally shaggable, not sure how genuine he is but he say he does not live with his ex, they haven’t been split up long. I think possibly good FWB material but not relationship (I’m not looking for someone with a young child). We did have a kiss, oh my god I kissed a 27 year old . The lying about having a child is a big red flag? Even whilst drunk who would forget that they have a child? It’s a shame because he seems lovely and I find him so atractive.