Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

And actually what sort of man could shrug and turn away from a child that might be his?

If a woman posted here that she'd started dating someone who once thought a child might be his bit didn't pursue it, he'd be crucified, red flags all over the place.

Much more honourable to say that you tried to do the right thing imo.

As a child of a deadbeat father who disappeared, I can categorically say that to me DNA matters not a jot in comparison to knowing who loved me.

I'm quite surprised by the number of people who have a 'leave it be' approach to this situation.

I would be bereft if I had a child in this world who I wasn't caring and providing for.

Because it's not about you. It's about whether a baby that has a stable, legal and loving family, who live abroad, should be disrupted in this way. It could break up that family. All over some gossip.

@rainy my sentiments exactly...I was that child at 20 when I eventually found the deadbeat sperm donor .......

This is all based on theword of someone shouldn't even seen Lucy for months and was surprised to hear about the her having a child.

That's the point. Everyone condemning Lucy for having an affair and getting pregnant to someone else and letting her husband bring the baby up are forgetting the person who said this has no clue what's going on.

The CMS will not enforce a DNA test, unless Lucy is going to claim through them. They won't court order her to have one because an ex claims he thinks he is the father of a baby that may not exist, they don't know the age of and don't know if he even slept with her around conception. If Lucy's says that he is mistaken and the baby is her husband's CMS will do precisely nothing.

"And actually what sort of man could shrug and turn away from a child that might be his? "

I don't think they even know this yet - dates aren't established fully, and

"Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's."

So not only do they not know the dates for certain, Lucy has stated to a 3rd party the child is NOT his.

...hence my post - unless you want to go court ordered DNA this will go nowhere, so personally I would check out dates (which may completely rule it out) and leave it.

It's not gossip if the child is his. There is the opportunity to approach Lucy and find out if the op's bf is the father. If he is, both he and the child have a right to know one another.

I don't think I've ever done a whataboutary sentence in my life but...would we expect women to so easily relinquish their relationship with their child because from the outside looking in, they seem happy enough without them?

Elementtree and if she says 'no it's not. Don't be stupid

OP and her df still won't be sure.

Lots of assumptions they are happy.

She had an affair, Possibly one of many... hell the sprog might not even be DF’s or Lucy’s husband’s.

But if they are overseas contact will be impossible anyway.
Lucy will never tell the truth so little point in asking her.

The reality is one day she might come knocking asking for csa

So rightly or wrongly I think it comes down to doing what is best for you two. admittedly it cant be much fun wondering if you have a child out there (something a woman need never wonder)

Personally given all you have said the consequences of knowing are likey to far outweigh the consequences of ignorance

As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF

It's very coy to say that "we" were pulling information. It makes me wonder exactly who was conducting this interrogation. Possibly you were the one "pulling information" from the friend while he was wishing she'd just shut up and not drop him in any deeper.

An affair doesn’t exactly fill you with confidence in a person’s honesty.

Indeed it doesn't. So maybe "we" pulled some nuggets of information from the friend that "he" knew all along, such as that Lucy never had any serious intention of getting a divorce. And an affair with a married woman (planning to divorce or not) while not using a condom doesn't exactly fill you with confidence about a person's reliability or maturity either.

OP has already said he will be the one making the final decision and potentially contacting Lucy; doesn't stop op worrying about the implications for her marriage and asking mn for advice.

The OP is still too focussed on "what should we be doing about the baby". That's not really her question to answer. Her partner is a big boy now and can do his own research and make his own decisions about whether he wants to pursue this or not. He got himself into this situation. Now he has to deal with it.

OP, your biggest question is not, is this his baby or not? Your first and biggest question is, can I rely on this man and do I really still want to marry him?

"OP and her df still won't be sure."

There might come a time when they've exhausted every avenue and have no choice but to accept Lucy's word. At least, when this resurrects itself, they can say that they truly tried everything.

Thanks for assuming I'm stupid. I had imagined a DNA test would be used to demonstrate the the ops bf wasn't the father.

She had an affair, Possibly one of many... hell the sprog might not even be DF’s or Lucy’s husband’s

Actually, given that the friends account has huge holes in it, it's not clear wether she did or not.

There might come a time when they've exhausted every avenue and have no choice but to accept Lucy's word.

Yeah let's drag this out, put all this pressure and upset on to this woman and try and force her into a corner to try and force a DNA test, when the while story could be bollocks because the friends hasn't seen Lucy for ages and didn't even know she was having a baby.

I had imagined a DNA test would be used to demonstrate the the ops bf wasn't the father.

So Lucy should be forced into having a DNA test done, because someone has spread some gossip? Someone who hasn't see her for months? And if she refuses to entertain the stupidness because she knows the baby is her dhs, then what?

If Lucy wanted your DP involved she would have involved him. I can only imagine she would tell your DP to jog on if he asked for a DNA test, as she is with her dh raising her dc I don't see any reason for her to want your DP around. You would have to go to court to force a DNA test, which may be further complicated by them living overseas. Be really sure you want to do this before starting it.

"That's not really her question to answer. Her partner is a big boy now and can do his own research and make his own decisions about whether he wants to pursue this or not."

It is if her dp is asking her advice, and it seems he is. In fact it seems like exactly the sort of monumental potentially life-changing decision most people would discuss with their partner. I think it would be odd if she wasn't considering all possibilities for herself, for him, for them as a couple.

"So Lucy should be forced into having a DNA test done, because someone has spread some gossip?"

No, because she had an affair, didn't always use contraception, and a baby arrived nine months later.

The means by which OP's dp heard about it is irrelevant.

Did the law change then?

I was pretty sure that a child born within a marriage was always assumed to be the husband’s and that a court wouldn’t force a paternity test unless the mother was seeking payment from someone other than her DH (and that person challenged the paternity)?

If Lucy doesn’t ask for maintenance from OP’s DF I don’t think he can force the issue. Or am I wrong?

I would do nothing.

A dad is more than who's sperm your mum's egg was fertilized by, and there's a hell of a lot more to being a good father than paying the CMS minimum.

This child has a loving father, is your DF prepared to take on that role? To perhaps get back together with Lucy, live together and being a family unit? No? So he's offering something far inferior.

I know several adults who were adopted, and a couple of others who have suspicions about who their bio father was, but see their "Dad" as their dad.

Lucy knows where your DF is if she wanted him part of her child's life. She doesn't.

Back off.

Build your own family.

Accept even if he was the one who got Lucy pregnant, he isn't the one who's this child's Daddy.

"And if she refuses to entertain the stupidness because she knows the baby is her dhs, then what?"

She can't be surprised if he asks the question surely, in the circumstances?

She may be able to refute it to the satisfaction of OP's dp.

She may not be able to refute it and still refuse a test and OP's dp won't be able to do a thing about it, but at least he can say he tried when Baby Lucy turns up on his doorstep in fifteen years.

So Lucy should be forced into having a DNA test done, because someone has spread some gossip?

No, because the gossip and the age of the child corresponds with the time that Lucy was in a relationship with the op's bf and the paternity is in question.

No, because she had an affair, didn't always use contraception, and a baby arrived nine months later

Given the fact that the friend who told OP is giving information presented as facts, when they clearly aren't, how can you be so sure she did have an affair. Maybe the decided to have trial separation. Maybe he told her he didn't mind her having sex with other people when he was away, maybe the baby is young than the friend thinks, of born prem.

Why people are saying Lucy definitely had an affair when the friend is clearly not a reliable source, is beyond me.

The government website says that dna tests can be used to apply for contact with a child. So it sounds like he could apply for contact and force a dna test from Lucy at least if she was living in the UK.

. I did ask our friend why she was telling us now, and she said that she hadn't spoken to Lucy in a few months and then was surprised to find out that she had a baby.

The OP wrote this. The friend isn't even in contact with Lucy. Didn't know she had, had a baby. So how could she know the conception date.

The friend must have known at the time that Lucy wasn't getting divorced but didn't tell the ops DF. Or has she found this out during the time she hasn't been in touch? So via another someone else?

This is why they need to do more digging first.

It is if her dp is asking her advice, and it seems he is.

Her advice could reasonably be "back at you".

most people would discuss with their partner.

There is a big difference beween discussing it with your partner and asking for advice. Advice giving does not leave much room for her actual feelings about the relationship and whether it has a future.

I think it would be odd if she wasn't considering all possibilities for herself, for him, for them as a couple.

Sure, a relationship with this baby in it is likely to be a lot more dodgy than one without. But even without a baby, the fact that the baby question came up at all makes it a lot more dodgy than it was before.

And yet her only question here was about "what is best for the baby". The "we" remained totally unquestioned. She was putting herself down and calling herself selfish for even thinking about the implications of his behaviour for their relationship.