Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

"Why are you so convinced it was an affair? The op, herself, says she doesnt trust a word the friend says."

Based on the fact OP's dp knew she was married.

Whether she did indeed divorce him as she told him she was in the process of doing, or is in fact still living with him and a twelve month old baby should be easy enough to establish I'd have thought.

Although I still don't care whether it was an affair or not, what her motives were, what her character is like. We're all just speculating and are unlikely to get definitive answers about Lucy on here.

I think what's important for OP's dp is establishing whether a baby exists, born within the appropriate time frame.

In the circumstances I just don't think Lucy can be at all surprised that he might ask that question.

Why on earth would Lucy agree to a paternity test? It would be hugely disruptive to her marriage and child.
Her DH is likely named on the birth certificate and your DF has no parental rights. Lucy is under no obligation to explore her baby’s genetics with you.

I think if she wanted your DF involved she’d have facilitated that before now. The chances are it’s her husband’s baby. Leave her be.

Based on the fact OP's dp knew she was married

Yes, he knew she was married and getting divorced. She may have been, at that point. And then got back with him. It happens. A lot. The affair is relevant when people are using the affair to say her word can't be trusted.

She could have been heading to divorce and changed her mind. It doesn't mean she is a liar.

The only person we who we know is a liar, is the friend that spoke to the OP.

And do totally agree that they need to do some fact finding before they can move forward. That's what I was saying.

It’s not that stressful surely? Just tell your former lover that your husband is the father and give him what proof you can. You’ve put his mind to rest and everyone can move on.*

As for this? Really you think a woman should have to give out details to an ex, just because a mutually (lying) friend has spread a rumour. Let's forget Lucy, you think abusive ex's won't try this on women who have left them. The type of man who wants to still assert control?

I would hate for women to have to be forced to prove an ex isn't the father of their baby, when there is no actual evidence to support it. And at this point, there no actual evidence.

I think the ops df should try and find out more first.

I'm in a broadly similar situation. Assuming it is his child, I think you might find that he won't get much of a choice about his level of involvement for years yet. Access will be "little and often" (which can be hard to arrange if you work full time and there is any travel involved - young children go to bed early) and access will probably happen at Lucy's house. He has no existing relationship so will need to build one which will take a long time. In that time Lucy will be calling the shots (as I would want to in her situation) and that might make things very hard - especially if she doesn't him to be involved. It's easy to say he can go to court but it's not easy or cheap to do and emotionally very hard. His finances will be submitted to the child maintenance people for the next 18 years. Clearly that's the right thing to do - but can be hard too.
For me the main advantage of involvement is that my children won't get a random Facebook message in the future from the sister that they didn't know they had. But other than that it's stressful, confusing for my children, expensive and probably never going to be a satisfactory arrangement for all.

Why on earth would Lucy agree to a paternity test?
So the DF keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t tell her DH about her affair.

So we still haven't established if this child even exists yet? Has this photo materialised?

I'm not a betting person but I would be prepared to lay down odds that this child is a figment of mutual (ex) friends imagination for whatever reason.

Who cares what her motives for the affair were?

The only person who said it was an affair was the friend, who the OP does not trust anyway.

It is quite possible that they were heading for a divorce but maybe being with someone else made her realise that she did love her husband.

I think it's better if you leave it. Believe that it's not df's child unless you hear otherwise. He doesn't want to be involved in the child's life anyway so at the moment, she's got a stable home with 2 loving parents.

If the baby exists, and if the age correlates with the extra marital relationship with OP's dp, then Lucy - whether she's a dishonest cheat or a paragon of virtue - cannot, surely, object or be at all surprised if OP's dp contact's her discreetly to ask if there's a chance the child could be his.

I'm sure she'll be anxious about the contact and the potential disruption to her family, but she can't be surprised, has surely been half expecting it.

If she's already had a DNA test, or the dates don't match, or the baby is the spitting image of her dh, or the baby doesn't even exist as some have suggested, then it'll all be cleared up easily enough and OP's dp will have peace of mind, while Lucy's family can continue unscathed.

If she can't provide any convincing proof then OP's dp's hands are probably tied since they live abroad, but at least he will be able to say he tried if the child ever contacts him in the future.

she's got a stable home with 2 loving parents.

I’m not sure why people keep saying this.

A) there’s no way of knowing how happy or stable their relationship is.

B) it’s irrelevant. A child deserves to know who their biological father is. If it turns out to be the husband then great and that could be proven without disrupting their marriage. The woman could easily get a DNA test privately without her husband knowing. If there is a baby and the dates match up then it’s completely normal for someone to want to know if they have a child out there somewhere.

she's got a stable home with 2 loving parents.

I agree with you, @HeckyPeck it certainly doesn't sound very stable, quite the opposite in fact. Whether they were about to divorce and then reconciled or Lucy simply had an affair, it hardly sounds like a secure relationship at all.

I think you're trying your best to be reasonable about this, @Shellshocked28 but I would leave this be tbh. Lucy has said that the child is definitely her DH's and I would leave it at that. If it turns out later that she was lying, you can deal with that as and when it happens.

I think it's better if you leave it.

"It" is not an "it", it is a child. Asides from extenuating circumstance, could any mother here walk away without a second thought from a child that is theirs and just say oh well, its okay its got a stable home and two loving parents? Bye!

Of course it would be more convenient if the child wasn't his, financially, emotionally, and practically, especially for the OP. But OP is your df really the type of man that could walk away and forget about a child that could be his?

Not finding out could be the biggest regret of his life. Either because he spends years wondering if the child is his, melancholy at Xmas, birthdays, looking at your children and wondering. Or because that child shows up later in life and he missed them growing up and he'll never get that back.

If it is not his, he can forget about Lucy and her child and move on. Find out the facts. Then deal with it.

"It" is not an "it", it is a child.

Or "It" as in the question as to whether to pursue paternity or not....

When you have no idea if this child even fits into the timescale of being DF's and when a mutual friend has asked and been told it's not DF's.

It's very unlikely he's going to find out without a court order and depending on the country she's in maybe not even then.

so finding out is difficult at best. Leaving "it" may be best.

If I was Lucy and the DF tried to contact me I'd just block him everywhere (including my DH's social media)....

f I was Lucy and the DF tried to contact me I'd just block him everywhere (including my DH's social media)....

That would be a cunty thing to do.

"If I was Lucy and the DF tried to contact me I'd just block him everywhere (including my DH's social media).."

But at least, if the child ever turns up on OP's doorstep in the future, they can show her that they tried.

And that their mum deliberately kept them apart

The motives of all the adults in this don't really matter. If OP's DP can establish if there is a DC and if the dob matches up with his relationship he has every right to go to court and request a DNA test to establish if he is the father of the child. I can not imagine ignoring a significant issue such a possible DC in my life.

Oh ffs!
Maybe the child is biologically your fiancé's, but DNA does not automatically make him a parent in the sense of what a parent does e.g feeds in the middle of night, getting the poo out of the bath, sitting in a steamy bathroom (shower running) when baby has croup, catching sick in your hands, walking on the road side of the pavement just in case a car careers out of nowhere, wanting to punch the lights out of the person who makes your child cry, going without food so your child eats, basically 99.9999999999 etc putting your child first:- willing to die for child.
Can/will your fiancé do this if the baby his is, even if it means letting you go?

“I think if she wanted your DF involved she’d have facilitated that before now. The chances are it’s her husband’s baby. Leave her be.”

This is the attitude that circa 19th C law incorporates - if the child is born in wedlock it’s the husband’s, regardless of DNA / facts of conception.

We’ve, thankfully, moved a very long way from wives and children being considered the “property” of the husband. Unfortunately a chunk of the female population seem to have swung over to a mirror view that children are their property and screw the putative father.

IF Lucy was shagging OP’s DF at around the time of conception then IMO he should be given the option of establishing paternity, and having a relationship with his DC if applicable, without having to pursue the issue through court. What would be far easier, and much more humane, is that DNA tests are carried out at birth for all children. That way both parents bring the children up with their eyes fully open, the child actually knows who both of his genetic parents are and potential issues with genetically related illnesses are known early.

I’d leave well alone and just convince yourselves that if she was having regular unprotected sex with her husband and less frequent unprotected sex with yours, it’s more likely the baby’s the husband’s.

If your DH is the husband, it will be far worse for the baby to discover this as a child or teenager. Much better to get this out in the open now, especially given the need to know your own medical history.

Anyone saying otherwise is living in a 19th century dream world.

father

I'm shocked at how many people are saying "leave well alone" "baby already has 2 loving parents". Not necessarily, OP df could be the father, he has every right to be involved in child's life if Dc turns out to be his. Lucy is the one in the wrong here, not DF so why should he suffer because of Lucy's infidelity? I'd say find out for sure one way or another, the not knowing will drive you insane.(and probably come back to haunt you in the future) Baby and df deserve to know each other, they are the innocent parties in this.

The rate in which dna is becoming part of our lives suggests this child will find out herself who her father is or isn’t at some point - and will feel terribly let down if she finds out the man she thought gmfathered her, didn’t. . Everyone needs to know - surely the best course of action is to begin by speaking to Lucy.