Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

Not just DOB. But EDD, he would need to 4emeber exact dates they had sex.

I think it's awful a woman would have to give all that information and could be forced to prove her husband is the father, based on someone's gossip.

Good point made that Lucy may already have had her own private paternity test either with her DH’s knowledge or not. It’s not difficult to obtain his saliva in his sleep.

Also fuckingshit I imagine many posters would be enquiring about whether she used protection with the other guy and if not, is there a chance the dates could have overlapped. There is theoretically a chance this has happened with OP’s DF.

Well i think it’s awful that a woman would have an affair and have unprotected sex with the other man without her husband knowing about it. The husband might be the father but if he isn’t that a massive fucking lie she is forcing him to live without him knowing or being able to consent. Her child too who has the right to know who their biological father is. And the other man who has the right to know he has a biological child.

If her husband is the father it’s not big deal for her to give the other man some information to reassure him, is it? After all she was happy to share all sorts of things with him at once point..

Christ too many typos to correct them all sorry

Your DF has the right to know if the child is his. Yes, the child has “a” father. So should every father give up his kids if someone else is there to take his place! Why should your DF lose the opportunity of knowing his own child just because of “not upsetting the apple cart”?

I’d ask Lucy for a paternity test. Threaten that if she doesn’t agree you’ll tell her husband and get a court order and have the test anyway.

Who wins if you hound her for a DNA test?
The DF who gets to be involved in HIS OWN CHILD’S life. And the child who gets to know his own father instead of being brought up by a stepdad.

Leave it.

The marriage has produced a child. It is their child. DNA is irrelevant.

Too be fair thats Lucy wouldn't be asked to prove that her DH was her husband's DC on the basis of gossip but on the basis that she had unprotected sex with another man during a relevant time window who would like to know if her was her child's father.

Spelling all over the place, hopefully you get the gist.

AlsofuckingshitI imagine many posters would be enquiring about whether she used protection with the other guy and if not, is there a chance the dates could have overlapped. There is theoretically a chance this has happened with OP’s DF.

And there's just as much chance she conceived weeks later as well. In my example I put that she knows it's her the because of dates. She could have got pregnant weeks later.

I do think it's worth contacting her. The baby could be a completely different age and I think Lucy should be aware of what this 'friend' is saying. Wether it's true or not. Especially if not true.

A conversation may clear it up. But I do think they will have to take her word for it. It would be awful to force her to do DNA when it's possible she has done nothing wrong. Imagine all that stress for someone who knows her husband is the child's father.

but on the basis that she had unprotected sex with another man during a relevant time window who would like to know if her was her child's father.

At this point the only person saying it was at the relevant time is a person who hasn't spoken to Lucy for ages and didn't even know she had a child.

Although to be fair. Reading ops posts back she seems to be contradicting herself.

She says mutual friend spoke to Lucy when the baby was born in her first post. Then says that the friend hadn't spoken to Lucy im months and was surprised to find out she had a baby, when asked why she was only just telling the OP and her df now.

The friend appeared to know from the baby being born. But then makes out she only just found out which is why she is only telling them now.

I do think it's more likely that the friend is chatting shit or the OP is confused.

Leave it well alone.
One of my friends was devastated when she was brutally told (through a spiteful feud) that the man she thought was her late DF wasn't her biological father.
My friend was devasted because as far as she was concerned her late DF was her father & wishes she'd never been told otherwise.
The truth isn't always good or pure as in my friend's case the truth hurt.

What good will come of interfering.
No one has a right to know anything just because of 'oh they have a right to know'.
So your DP should leave well alone.

TallSlutNoPantiesthe2nd

No matter how desperate posters are to paint her as the victim she is not one.

If "lucy" was a bloke comments about 'the script' would be all over the thread.

If there is a chnace that the child is the OP's DP's then he should be able to find out. In the same way that "lucy's" DH should know whether the child he is going to bring up is his.

And frankly if it is all above board and as people are making up saying that they were on a break and no-one did anything wrong then surely she would just agree to do the test and put it behind everyone?

Thatsfuckingshit, the mutual friend (who introduced Lucy and DF to start with) said that she hadn't spoken to Lucy for months, that Lucy had disappeared during her pregnancy and then only got in contact days before the baby was born. The mutual friend then didn't say anything to DF for a few months about the baby once she knew the baby was here.

At this point, I don't trust a thing mutual friend has to say, and I don't believe that she didn't know about Lucy's pregnancy. What I do know is that I have no intention of speaking to mutual friend again and hope DF reaches that same conclusion.

What I do know is that I have no intention of speaking to mutual friend again and hope DF reaches that same conclusion.

So do you expect her to send a photo of the baby or not? Right now she is not "out of the loop" at all.

The friend may well be talking shit but your fiance was unable argue with her. And maybe she's not the only one who's messing with your head. Your fiance thought Lucy was going to divorce her husband (but she lied), he thought she was on the pill (but she lied) and he mostly used condoms.... how much of that do you really believe? Sounds as if he's been telling you whatever he thinks you want to hear.

I would back off a long way from all this concern about what "we" want to do. Let your fiance tell you what he wants to do with no prompting or "advice" from you. Then you will be in a much stronger position to decide what you want to do.

I would assume that Lucy will lie to you, she is a cheat at best and is hoodwinking her dh to bring up her ex lover's child as his own at worst. The only way you are going to know is seeing a birth certificate and red book info to know when dc was born and at what number of weeks or doing a DNA test. If dc has nothing to do with DP you might be able to get her to show you the paperwork so you didn't alert her dh to her cheating. If she has told her dh everything it will be much easier to be open about your concerns. Do you have any social media links with her ?

No matter how desperate posters are to paint her as the victim she is not one

No, we have no idea if she is or isn't. Since the 'friend is clearly a liar. That's why the OP and her df should be looking more into this. Personally I wouldn't assume a bloke had definitely chested on the word of a mutual friend who is a liar, either.

The mutual friend then didn't say anything to DF for a few months about the baby once she knew the baby was here.

The baby is over a year old. So it was more than a few months. The friend clearly has an agenda to tell you now. I don't think your df should leave it. But I don't think you should wade in with any assumptions that what she has said is true. Try and do it with an open mind.

At this point, I don't trust a thing mutual friend has to say,

Do you know that this baby actually exists? Was it born when this mutual friend says it was?

The whole thing sounds bizarre!

What a mess I feel for you.
Either she used your DF as a sperm donor or the dates are wrong - it may be she was pregnant already by her husband and found out so split with your DF or she just got what she wanted from that whirlwind affair .... I suspect if she wanted a baby and wasn't getting pregnant with her DH she manipulated the romance with your DF ... I suspect she'd do everything possible to keep that secret hidden - all sounds a bit like that song 'all I want to do is make love to you' by Heart

I think his parents are perhaps right and just make contact then let sleeping dogs lie otherwise all sorts of shit storms may happen and that baby will be the loser if she ends up a single parent - at least it's in a family unit at the moment

It sounds like a stitch up.
And awful gossip between not very nice people.
Don't know the way forward other than ignore any hearsay.

“Imagine all that stress for someone who knows her husband is the child's father.”

It’s not that stressful surely? Just tell your former lover that your husband is the father and give him what proof you can. You’ve put his mind to rest and everyone can move on.

If she didn’t want any stress at all maybe she should have considered that before having an affair without contraception?

I love the way that the Ops fiancé was “ used as a sperm donor “ whe HE decided to have unprotected sex while in a casual relationship while he was on a break with his fiancée.

All this “ he thought she was on the pilll “ is bollocks. No grown man with a brain in his head should take such a risk , because he knows that every time he ejaculates inside a woman, he risks becoming a father.

This thread of full of shocking double standards.

Both Lucy and OPs DF were on a break from a LTR. They both had unprotected sex . They POSSIBLY made a baby together.

Yet Lucy is the lying cheating bitch and he is the poor, hard done to, used and abused lil man. Who didn’t care about having unprotected sex before but now can’t “ find peace “.

Who doesn’t actually want to be a father -

He has said he would financially support her but I don't think he is prepared to have any definitive answer about how much he would see her and what his daily involvement would be

I am not sure about at this point is if he is fully understanding what the true reality of being a father is and how that would need to become his full focus. We are a few years off having children, and right now our lives are about career progression, spending extra money on travel and all of that would change and other than knowing that in a few years we want to have children, we haven't really given thought yet to the impact they will have on our life as a whole

He has no intention of giving up his social life , travels or career to care for his putative child. But he feels he has the right to interfere in this child’s life and Lucy’s marriage because of his feelings .

He doesnt want the responsibilities of fatherhood, just “ his rights.

OP - do you want to pursue Lucy through the courts for a DNA test and then possibly for contact with the child? Do you want your fiancé to go part time at work to care for the child ? Because surely he would want 50% care, as a good and responsible father . It without be very arrogant to assume that Lucy will allow his to arrange contact to suit his work but not hers - that he will only get teh child at weekend.

And Because they child is so young, he will have to have OST of his contacts at Lucy’s home with her.

Are you ready to become a step mother ? To have your life revolve around someone else child ?

How many other children will be you able to afford, as you will need an extra bedroom for your DF child as well as any you will have. And of course your DF will earn less and not progress in his career as he’s part time.

Have you any idea of the realities of caring half time for a baby or toddler? Or how it will affect both your lives?

And as for those of you judging Lucy so harshly - none of you have any i idea what has happened between Lucy and her husband . Maybe she has told him what happened when they were separated. Maybe they have already done a DNA test. When they plan to tell the child when he or she is older ( if her DH isn’t the bio father ).

The OP doesn’t know and neither do we because it’s none of our business. The OP doesn’t have a right to interfere in Lucy’s life any more that the men that the OP has sex with in that same break have a right to interfere in hers.

"The OP doesn’t have a right to interfere in Lucy’s life"

The op doesn't but her dp does, if Lucy is raising his child.

"Maybe she has told him what happened when they were separated. Maybe they have already done a DNA test."

All the more reason to contact her and ask those questions.

"none of you have any i idea what has happened between Lucy and her husband"

Who cares what her motives for the affair were? The topic up for discussion is what OP's dp should do about a child that could be his.

"Yet Lucy is the lying cheating bitch"

Well she was the one who was cheating on a husband, so that part is true. Whether she's lying about the baby remains to be seen.

"Who doesn’t actually want to be a father"

You don't know that. He's still reeling from the news. People usually get nine months notice of fatherhood.

Well she was the one who was cheating on a husband, so that part is true. Whether she's lying about the baby remains to be seen.

Why are you so convinced it was an affair? The op, herself, says she doesnt trust a word the friend says. And it's only the friend who is saying it's an affair.

That's been my point. This information has come from someone the ops doesn't trust and has lied. So the ops df needs to actually find out if any of it is true. Is there a baby? Is it over a year old?

Calling a woman deceitful and a liar, because a known liar has accused her of having an affair sounds very close to slut shaming.