Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

I've not read every single reply but being perfectly honest - why are you so keen to be actively involved in 'upsetting the apple cart' as it were? You split up. Your fiance may have gotten somebody pregnant that is married and not seeking to end her marriage. They're bringing up a baby together that it sounds like they both wanted. You're happy with your fiance. You plan on embarking on the rest of your lives. Who wins if you hound her for a DNA test? It won't be your baby. It'll only be your fiancé's. He may not be given a massive amount of contact but will certainly be responsible for financial provision if the baby is his. No doubt her marriage will end breaking up that baby's home and' parents'. Your relationship will definitely be strained as a result of this turmoil. I know my opinion will be unpopular but I do not see why you're so keen to push this one. OK so the baby may not know her biological father if your finance is indeed that. But many happy children and adults grow up with fantastic 'dads' that aren't biologically their sperm donor. I'm afraid I'd leave be.

“It’s estimated from blood grouping etc that over 10% of all kids in the U.K. are not the biological children of their putative father’s - what they don’t know doesn’t harm them”

Except where there’s genetically related illness or other LTH issues passed down from the father. Or where issues with blood typing etc cause the child to realise the truth of the situation later in life.

Or where the cuckolded “Dad” finds out the truth much later and finds the foundation of his relationship, with both his partner and child, has been based on a lie.

Just a few situations where “what they don’t know” will very definitely end up hurting them and/or the people around them.

Oh and fuck the “Dad” eh? Clearly it’s fine for all of those men to have been exposed to the potential health risks from their “D”P’s affair(s), not to mention raising and paying for a child without being fully informed.

Agree with Crazydog. I don't think I could do nothing in this situation as you will both always wonder if he has a biological child. However bet for him to deal with it gently initially so as to not blow up her life, hopefully she will be honest and it will be clear cut

They're bringing up a baby together that it sounds like they both wanted.

It's not just 'a' baby if it's his baby. And if it is his baby, it's his baby who he has never held, or kissed or read a story to or dressed or played with. It's his baby who will never know his voice or his warmth or his history.

No, fuck that noise. If someone hoodwinked my children out of my life, I'd cause hell.

Its interesting how different this thread has been as its the woman that cheated.

This woman is not a victim.

BoneyBackJefferson but we don't actually know that the woman did cheat -thats just what the shit stirring friend said..

So hypothetically could any random man I've slept with in the past apply for a DNA test of my children, even though they already have a father on the birth certificate who has PR and is raising them? What is the law on this?

LittleMissMarker makes some good points.

TwistedStitch apparantly, not so sure CMS or the courts would support this though

ExH was, and still is gutted that he knew too late. He had a few phone conversations with the boy and a Skype but as soon as she received CSA she blocked him and went off social media.

That child though ems137 now knows that your DP is his DF and once he's 18 (or younger, if your DP is searchable on social media and the boy wants to), he can get in touch without his DM's say-so. The important thing is that he now knows who his dad is and he can find him if he wants to. I'm guessing that he probably will.

As for the OP, that's good advice from DF's parents. Call Lucy, ask her and then accept the answer she gives. FGS don't involve the DH or drag this through the courts and probably destroy this DC's family, all on the off-chance that your DF might possibly be the dad.

"Why people are saying Lucy definitely had an affair when the friend is clearly not a reliable source, is beyond me."

Sorry if the terminology upsets you. I personally don't care whether it was an affair or not, it's irrelevant really isn't it, it's just the child's paternity and what to do about it, however it was conceived.

No, fuck that noise. If someone hoodwinked my children out of my life, I'd cause hell

Absolutely.

Why would he accept the word of someone who was cheating on her husband? And lied to him about getting divorced?

I wouldn’t let it go until I had proof. It’s not right that he might have a child out there that he would never get to know.

If Lucy suspected that the baby was your DF's and wanted him involved then she would have contacted him. She did not. So either she is confident that it's her husband's child or she's not sure about paternity but doesn't want to upset the apple cart.

I think your DF has to look at it as: it's not about him. It's about the child. What is best for the child, irrespective of who is the biological father? That would surely be to let them get on with playing happy families but be prepared to step up in future if the situation changes in any way. IANAL but I'd be surprised if your DF could force a DNA test on them. If he contacts her she's bound to deny it (otherwise she would have been in touch by now) so where would that leave him? No better off, certainly.

OP you say he mainly used condoms did he not use one in the relevant time frame and how did that come about

Because lynettescavo May have it on the nose if that is the one time she knew what she was doing

Sorry if the terminology upsets you. I personally don't care whether it was an affair or not, it's irrelevant really isn't it, it's just the child's paternity and what to do about it, however it was conceived.

Why would the terminology upset me? I don't know Lucy. Not upset at all. Wether it's an affair is relevant in the context of my comment. Be sure I was responding to people saying the Lucy wasn't trustworthy on the basis that she has had an affair. So whatever she said about paternity, couldn't be trusted.

That was my point. People are labelling this woman a cheater and saying she can't be trusted to give him an honest answer, because she is a dishonest person. When the truth is that the 'friend' actually knows jackshit about Lucy or her child.

I am currently overwhelmed with work (and life) right now, but I wanted to just quickly say that I am reading every comment and I appreciate the advice being given. I have a lot to think about, and all of your comments are helping me to look at the big picture and to consider things I hadn't thought of yet. I will respond in more detail soon, but in the meantime, thank you all for your advice.

Surely whether or not she had an affair, if the dates add up the child could be his.

If the dates do add up there’s no way she could know for sure it wasn’t his so what her word is worth is irrelevant.

" When the truth is that the 'friend' actually knows jackshit about Lucy or her child."

Yes that's why a conversation might sort all of this out.

"Why would the terminology upset me?"

I don't know. I thought you sounded upset about pp referencing an affair.

If the dates are right then she is untrustworthy because she either knows or at least suspects that her dh might not be the father.

I think they need to have a discreet conversation. She might have already had a DNA test, the baby might be older/younger than the friend thinks, the baby might be the spitting image of her dad, then all of this can go away.

Under s.8 of children act 1989 a specific order for DNA test may be made by the court if parentage is being disputed. So they can force a DNA test, but the issue of parental responsibility and contact are very different and would require him to prove a has an interest or attachment.
The abide comes from an old mumsnet thread discussing something similar.

if the dates do add up there’s no way she could know for sure it wasn’t his so what her word is worth is irrelevant.

She could. Her dh may have been tested. And the friend who hasn't spoken to Lucy for months and didn't know she had a child until recently, may not know the conception dates......shock horror. Does anyone else know conception dates for aquaintences?

If the dates are right then sheisuntrustworthy because she either knows or at least suspects that her dh might not be the father.

That's a massive if. Again based on the word of someone who actually doesn't know Lucy anymore. Lucy shouldn't feel she has to prove anything or give away her personal information on the say so of someone she used to know.

Yes a conversation should be had. But if she says the baby isn't his, he needs to walk away.

Not sure if this has been amended of changed in the more recent versions of this legislation, it may well have just been pulled through.

Imagine this Aibu.

'A few years ago, Me and dh were having some problems. He worked away an we decided to have a trial seperation. During the separation I had a casual relationship with a guy called Tom. Me and Tom fizzled out and we parted on good terms. I got back with dh and her got back with his ex.

Shortly after I got back with dh I got pregnant. Checked the dates and it's definitely dhs. All good.

Until Tom got in contact to say that someone that knows us both, says that I was actually having an affair and there's a chance the baby is Tom's. Me, dh and dc live in another country now and I haven't spoken to the mutual friend for ages and she didn't even know I was having baby or that we had a trial separation. So don't know where she got this information from. I told him the baby definitely wasn't his but he demanding to know my conception dates and said he will pursue me through the courts to force a DNA test. I don't feel I should have to give him personal details based on someone I used to know, lying. But Tom believes I was sleeping with him behind my husband's back and so my word can't be trusted. I am being bullied in to doing a DNA test when I haven't done anything wrong.'

woodfires I would imagine they would need more than someone who used to know the mother has made claims about parentage.

And the someone didn't even know the mother had, had a baby. Never mind the details.

If OP's DP states that he and ex had unprotected sex within a suitable time frame to allow him to be the father of the DC and he wished to persue recognition, support and the building of a relationship with the DC following a paternity test it looks to me from the government website the courts would mandate a DNA test. He would need to establish to dob of the child first I would guess, but it is just a guess. A family lawyer would know the details. He would be in his rights to do so, whether he should if another matter.