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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In laws turned up to lo nursery

306 replies

Beacal72 · 25/08/2018 23:26

First time poster hello 😁

A bit fed up with meddling in laws (mil and sil) they turned up at my lo nursery without telling us to tour it in the of chance they "might" send theirs next year. Despite it being out of their way by miles.

They told us after the fact and didn't seem bothered that the could disrupt our dd during her time there. As they left her there whilst taking her touring cousin home.

We don't leave her with anyone but nursery and we are super strict about her routines as she is bf and took a long time to be reallly happy at nursery. They said she seemed confused they were there. Which is understandable!

My sil was unapologetic and said we ruined her day by challenging not letting us know. They know our parenting style. They know we would have asked the staff to remove our dd before they entered the room to avoid her getting upset.

I'm really heartbroken as all i want to do is protect my daughter, especially when we are at work and she is at nursery. But they say we are in the wrong for being upset. I'm so cross and just hoping im not alone in my despair 😣

This is a just one of a long list of undermining behaviour by the in laws And resentment is building.

OP posts:
Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 11:17

“Mama has to boob them” is infantilistic language used in an adult context of posting on here. Why wouldn’t you just say “especially when they need a breastfeed”? It’s a bit cringe.

Thinkingofausername1 · 26/08/2018 11:20

Let's hope they don't join the pta like mine did. Sad

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 11:26

As for the “two bus rides”, well depends on how you look at it. There is a nursery at the top of my road, on the corner of the main road, my friend sent her daughter there. From where she lived (another main road connected to where the nursery is by a long, smaller road) it would be two buses as there is no direct service, but to walk it’s about 15 minutes. There is another nursery further up the road she lives on but that would actually take longer to get to.

WTF?! You are so determined that the OP is wrong (even though you haven’t understood her post or read the thread) that you cite a friend’s geography. 😂

ReservoirDogs · 26/08/2018 11:26

If they have no intention of using that nursery then they are being unreasonable but if they do really want to consider it as a possible nursery for their child then you are. You say it was miles out of their way which would suggest they are (and a bit strange).

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 11:32

Thinkingofausername1 😮

That’s why the OP should warn the nursery. Even doing what they did should be a red flag for them. When I had to speak to mine (similar circumstances) they said unwanted interference was common and they wished more parents told them so they had warning.

MissCharleyP · 26/08/2018 11:37

Wishingtrees no, it’s about context. My mums house is two bus rides away (should I choose to get a bus) as I’d have to change buses, in a car it’s five minutes. By train, it’s five minutes then a five minute walk. The OP saying that her SIL wouldn’t send her kid there as it’s two bus rides away is daft, many people travel further and with more inconvenience to use good schools etc.

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 11:41

MissCharleyP

😂

How far are your aunt and uncle’s houses?Your cousin’s? Are they near the OP’s ILs as well? Maybe they could stop in and break the journey on the way making even more of an argument that the op is in the wrong.

MrsChollySawcutt · 26/08/2018 11:41

Your reaction is so far over the top it is laughable.Especially the part where you claim that had known about the visit, you would have had the nursery staff hide your child from view to 'protect' her.

You need to really think about that behaviour - protect her from what? Every child needs to learn how to deal with little issues in day to day life.

Have you thought that maybe they were looking at the nursery so they could compare its ethos and facilities with others closer to the SILs home? No, of course not because it easier to play the victim of a terrible conspiracy theory.

birthdaygirls · 26/08/2018 11:50

MrsChollySawcutt Instead of laughing you could realise that the op is this way because the ILs have undermined her, determined to take over her bany. Her mothering instincts see this as a threat. And it is. Their behaviour is weird.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/08/2018 11:56

The op has her part to play as the tone and language is OTT as is her pursuit of “boundaries”
A child in nursery doesn’t need protection from IL given its in a supervised regime
Parenting requires a degree of flexibility Being so dogmatic about boundaries will be problematic because others won’t adhere to a tight regime
You have to pick your battles otherwise it’s an exhausting whirlwind of slights and protection issues

MrsChollySawcutt · 26/08/2018 11:58

Birthdaygirls you seem to know a lot about the OP and her family Hmm

PrimalLass · 26/08/2018 12:00

Is there any indication that this was the case Primal? If there is, I have missed it.

The OP says took a long time to be really happy at nursery.

I've been there. DS cried every time he went in - for nearly four years. He was fine once in but if grandma had breezed into the room then breezed away again he would have been heartbroken.

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 12:02

Those that haven’t been through it won’t understand.

And how many times does the OP have to say she was emotive with her language before people stop harping on about it? Haven’t you got anything else to throw at her today?

PrimalLass · 26/08/2018 12:04

You need to really think about that behaviour - protect her from what? Every child needs to learn how to deal with little issues in day to day life.

Tell that to a 2-year-old with separation anxiety. It is haaaaard.

MrsChollySawcutt · 26/08/2018 12:06

Primal as the OP says she is strictly limiting the time the child spends with MIL and SIL, I find it very hard to see how separation anxiety applies.

TubeTop · 26/08/2018 12:06

Bit offended that you seem to think bf children are more closely bonded with their parents.

rainingcatsanddog · 26/08/2018 12:09

MIL and SIL are weird to visit the nursery and tell you that your baby was confused etc later.

I also agree with the posters who say that your language is OTT. Being so anxious will affect your child and make her more prone to anxiety too.

You either suck up MIL's behaviour or distance yourself more. People without boundaries are usually like this well before their adult children are in relationships and have their own children. They rarely change their behaviour after a lifetime of being allowed to behave like that. You and your h need to work out what is acceptable and what is not especially if the hysterical language in your OP is how you feel. Are you telling MIL when she upsets you or are you expecting her to magically know when she's behaved like this forever.

As an outsider I would categorize your MIL/SIL's behaviour as sneaky or strange while if it happened to me I'd be annoyed about being told that my child was "confused" as I would check with the nursery who would've probably said that they were exaggerating.

BeaCal27 · 26/08/2018 12:10

Mrscholly i have expressly stated i dont keep them apart, i encourage and let them see her regularily. Im not trying to restrict access, that isn't the issue.

I wasn't implying bf are more closely bonded, just that bf does help bonding occur. There are all types of ways to bond with a baby/child regardless of if they are yours or someone elses.

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 12:11

Why have you n/c op?

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 12:13

Cockapoomummy obviously a log in mistake 🙄 Ridiculous of you to pounce on it 😂. Are you 14?!

BeaCal27 · 26/08/2018 12:13

Newbie! I didn't realise you could do it, playing with the features

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 12:14

I just asked because it means the op isn’t highlighted and it makes it hard to follow the thread.

I only asked a question.

TubeTop · 26/08/2018 12:16

Maybe a possible way to handle it could be turning it into a chance to encourage resilience and positivity. I might have said to my baby:

"Hey, baby, did granny and auntie and baby cousin see you at nursery today? What a super surprise! Did you say hi? Good girl!That's nice!
Gosh life is full of surprises! Isn't each day a surprise!"

wishingtrees · 26/08/2018 12:16

I think if the OP was going to name change to pretend she was someone else she wouldn’t have used a name so close to her original or referred to herself in the first person 😆

Cue the hoards who will bring it up over and over though.

MrsChollySawcutt · 26/08/2018 12:16

Wishingtrees you seem to have close relationship with the OP and are very anxious to support her every move. Why is that?