In laws turned up to lo nursery

[Beacal72]

First time poster hello 😁

A bit fed up with meddling in laws (mil and sil) they turned up at my lo nursery without telling us to tour it in the of chance they "might" send theirs next year. Despite it being out of their way by miles.

They told us after the fact and didn't seem bothered that the could disrupt our dd during her time there. As they left her there whilst taking her touring cousin home.

We don't leave her with anyone but nursery and we are super strict about her routines as she is bf and took a long time to be reallly happy at nursery. They said she seemed confused they were there. Which is understandable!

My sil was unapologetic and said we ruined her day by challenging not letting us know. They know our parenting style. They know we would have asked the staff to remove our dd before they entered the room to avoid her getting upset.

I'm really heartbroken as all i want to do is protect my daughter, especially when we are at work and she is at nursery. But they say we are in the wrong for being upset. I'm so cross and just hoping im not alone in my despair 😣

This is a just one of a long list of undermining behaviour by the in laws And resentment is building.

I think you are overeacting and one day you will be a grandma and a mil too . I don't think your dd will suffer any trauma going to the same nursery with her cousin. What will happen if they both ended up in the same school ?

Yabu and ridiculous. What exactly have they done wrong? They have every right to view a nursery. Yes seeing them there for ten minutes will confuse your dd but that's life she will get over that and if her cousin ends up in the same nursery that will be lovely for them.

You sound like somebody who goes out of their way to find a problem with things.

Next time you speak to them do a tinkly laugh and say how funny it was they went out of their way to see your LO’s nursery and nod your head saying that you can see why in SIL’s area there’d be nothing suitable.

OP.

No idea why people are being so stupid obtuse on this thread.

She is your child, stick to your guns and maybe slowly withdraw as it sounds like you are seeing a lot of them despite these issues. Don't let them see your daughter all the time if it upsets you.

It sounds as if your MIL and SIL positively enjoy trying to annoy you.

It sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

They pushed your buttons and you hit stratospheric heights of over reaction. You're just feeding the monster.

By the way, the Daily Mail and other newspapers are a bunch of lazy arseholes who need to fuck off and do their own research and not pinch stories off chat forums.

OP you come across as being really PFB and dramatic to me but I'm sure we all get upset about things that other people think are silly, I know I do.

If you think they are doing this for a reaction or to overstep boundaries then why give them a reaction? Just shrug it off and then they haven't got what they wanted. Your daughter being a bit confused is absolutely nothing you need to protect her from. She will experience much more confusing and upsetting things and she grows older. You can't protect her from everything.

Your DD having a loving grandparent is what she will grow up remembering, not silly little things like this.

If their intentions are genuine then where were the conversations beforehand?
“We’re thinking of visiting dd’s nursery, what should we look out for? What do you like/dislike about it?”
Instead they didn’t mention it at all despite seeing the OP the day before It’s ridiculous behaviour.

Visiting a nursery you have no intention of sending your child to is WEIRD. The ops dd is unlikely to have been much affected but no one could think their actions are completely innocent.

OP if the nursery staff didn’t mention it then I would assume your dd was ok - they would have said if she’d cried when your relatives left.

I also agree you have to start pretending you don’t care - they are trying to paint you as unreasonable and unfortunately getting so upset is doing exactly that. If they do something like this again I’d do this face “you visited her nursery? But it’s two bus rides away...send dcousin there if you like but it seems an odd choice to me shrug “

I'm going to bet this is the timeline of events that has led to this situation:

• OP has been ridiculously over-protective, PFB, controlling and anal about every tiny little thing in baby's life

• IL get frustrated by this and/or see that it is unhealthy and OTT (but OP will not listen to them)

• Relationship begins to deteriorate

• IL maybe express a few times about genuinely wanting to spend more time with baby (probably because OP restricts them spending time together), OP overreacts and sees this as overstepping boundaries etc

• IL then feel they cannot tell OP that they want to actually look at the nursery for genuine reasons and OP misinterpreted and blows the whole thing out of proportion

I do think you are massively overreacting and your language is very extreme. Like others have said, what if you saw them at the swimming pool/library/Park/supermarket? We often see my SIL when she is at work - the shop she works in has an entrance/exit to the centre car park so we (and most others who park there) use it as a short-cut. I hope to God she doesn’t think we’re ‘spying’ on her!

As for the “two bus rides”, well depends on how you look at it. There is a nursery at the top of my road, on the corner of the main road, my friend sent her daughter there. From where she lived (another main road connected to where the nursery is by a long, smaller road) it would be two buses as there is no direct service, but to walk it’s about 15 minutes. There is another nursery further up the road she lives on but that would actually take longer to get to.

It sounds like they have more conventional ideas about parenting than you do and are a bit pushy about their opinions.

But there is a world of difference between being annoyed that they are a bit ignorant towards your approach and getting worked up to the level of dramatics that you seem to have reached.

Honestly, in four years time you will look back and wonder why you thought it was a big deal if they liked to spoon feed your baby. You will wonder why you freaked out about naps. You may not feel that you were wrong not to want sleepovers till DD was older or your decision to keep BFing, but there will be things that you realise were small stuff that you did not need to sweat. This nursery visit, no matter what it was actually about, is one of those things.

You say what you want to know is how you get your relationship to survive. The answer is to stay cheerfully firm about the basics and stop letting yourself get all worked up about the details. Adopt an attitude of “They don’t understand why we do things the way we do, but oh well.” Your DP needs to take charge of enforcing your priorities so you can just cheerfully get on with it knowing you won’t be the one managing any dramas.

Seriously, just accept that they have a different point of view to you but you don’t need to be upset about that and you will be fine.

All this talk of "boundaries"! There is an old Indian saying "It takes a village to bring up a child". The more family members there are who want to help, share and be involved, the better. When my DC were babies, I had no one and it was hard.

what if you saw them at the swimming pool/library/Park/supermarket? We often see my SIL when she is at work

You are missing the point. If an anxious and hard to settle child is at nursery and is coping ok, but then sees their grandparent, they could get very upset and want to go home. It's really tricky and hard to comprehend unless you've been there. If MIL or my mum had shipped up at DS's nursery, let him see them and then gone away again, I would have gone nuts.

Is there any indication that this was the case Primal? If there is, I have missed it.

I understand what you mean and I would be very annoyed.
Your baby would have been fine after the initial confusion.
I think what is not gaining you any sympathy is your description of heartbreak and despair. Those are words reserved for an awful diagnosis, injury or illness or other such life changing events.
You have many many years of parenting left to navigate, you won't cope if something like this affects you so badly.

esp when mama has to boob them is that a typo? I don't understand it?

NRTFT but what a drama Llama! You really need to chill op. Your micro managing your DS's exposure to changes of routine is not normal.

Kids, sees aunt/gran asks why they are here adult explains. Kid carries on happily not giving a toss.

LEELULUMPKIN Maybe you should rtft instead of wading in with your own uninformed ignorant drama llama comments?

It’s an 8 page thread fgs.

WaterOffaDucksCrack

It's a vomit inducing phrase which means breast feed.

Great user name BTW

It's just dawned on me you meant breastfeed them! Never heard of that before!

Fwiw I breasted my son for a long time and found it easy settle him when like that because you just sit there and breastfeed! Other people could settle him differently/quicker because he knew they didn't have milk.

Social media I don't think anyone can say you're wrong for not wanting photos up there, some of my relatives are the same and everyone else respects it.

Each to their own but you as a parent may find it easier if you relax a bit around strict routines and timing. There have been many times my son has stayed up late for family gatherings or whatever. Rightly or wrongly he fits in with my life! I am a single parent though so I don't have support from anyone else, I just do what I see fit!

Singlenotsingle you are assuming the village is made of nice people. Having no one is better than someone who actively wants to upset you.

dailyshite X post! Thank you Genuinely had visions of the op aggressively "boobing" her baby out of the way or something! Like a belly bounce but with boobs!

When the child is a baby the village should support the mother. There is plenty of time for the village to raise the child when the child is older.

Ill definitely work on keeping calmer, i dont disagree with some people saying it feels bigger than it is. I think work need to be done on both sides to mend the fence.

They are not bad people, we love them. Sometimes your village drives you mad as they go in a different direction and expect you to follow them.

Just wanted to finish up with a massive fanfare for those who really have constructive feedback, whether they agreed or not. I feel alot better about this and feel i can speak to my il without losing my temper.