In laws turned up to lo nursery

[Beacal72]

First time poster hello 😁

A bit fed up with meddling in laws (mil and sil) they turned up at my lo nursery without telling us to tour it in the of chance they "might" send theirs next year. Despite it being out of their way by miles.

They told us after the fact and didn't seem bothered that the could disrupt our dd during her time there. As they left her there whilst taking her touring cousin home.

We don't leave her with anyone but nursery and we are super strict about her routines as she is bf and took a long time to be reallly happy at nursery. They said she seemed confused they were there. Which is understandable!

My sil was unapologetic and said we ruined her day by challenging not letting us know. They know our parenting style. They know we would have asked the staff to remove our dd before they entered the room to avoid her getting upset.

I'm really heartbroken as all i want to do is protect my daughter, especially when we are at work and she is at nursery. But they say we are in the wrong for being upset. I'm so cross and just hoping im not alone in my despair 😣

This is a just one of a long list of undermining behaviour by the in laws And resentment is building.

Lipstick, your post is odd. It's normal on MN for people to criticise posts they disagree with. Calling posters who can see the OO's pov 'fans' is also strange. On any given thread, there will be people who agree with the OP.

I get it Bea. Don’t let the “suck it up” posters get you down. (I got told to suck it up on here when my MIL stole from me!) There’s a lot of bitterness that is taken out on others. Ignore.

It’s not odd in least I know how mn goes,and it happens
A group of fans will call out any post they deem unsupportive and big up affirmative posts
Result being the sponatneity and flow is disrupted as every so called critical Post is responded to,as opposed to just letting a momentum build

Lipstick you are just derailing the thread by trying to analyse why others are more sympathetic than you.

Sorry fancied, have done so!

Thanks you iwannasee i will bear this in mind.

Lipstick i didn't mean to disrupt the flow, i apologise for doing so. Can we move past this?

I really try to see your point of view in this but I am struggling, sorry op.

Parenthood is a long path and I have a feel you might need to toughen up a bit.

Kids have to experience all kinds of disappointments/rejections and failures and this is unavoidable and necessary.

Bumping into granny and auntie for 5mins is hardly a traumatic experience that will scar.

How utterly bizarre!
If they just wanted a nosey around the nursery, they could have asked to a company you/ dh to pick up or drop off.
My in-laws have an issue with respect and boundries. They continually push to assert themselves.
The fact it was all done behind your back would make me feel a little uneasy regardless of wither it was blood family or in-laws

How do you manage be out and about in town if you see them? How would you manage that? Do you text in laws and ask them for their movements every day?

I think their response is quite telling.

Imagine you're a loving relative who respects your dil/sil and you come up with an idea to go and see her nursery - maybe for fun or maybe because you're thinking of sending your chd there. You might forget to mention it but no worries, you go along and have a nice visit. Then your dil/sil finds out and speaks to you about it. Do you...?

a) say, "Oh sorry, I completely forgot to mention it."

Or b) Kick off.

My point is, why would you kick off if your intentions are pure?

Cockapoomummy you’ve missed the point. She wasn't with the child in nursery. If she’s with her toddler there is no issue.

Apart from that this is not the main problem. The issue is that the women saw Bea the day before and didn’t tell her. They pretended to be looking at the nursery for another child. These are red flags. They are making sure Bea knows her place.

It’s all well and pisters saying they’d love someone to take their child away but not all people are the same. Bea has made her position clear to us and they are stomping all over her boundaries.

Mil and Sil sound like utter twats. In the same vein as my DM who was desperate to know the name of DC's nursery "just so I can drive past one day". Bollocks.

Territory marking as pp said. If you don't have experience of narcissistic insane family then thank your lucky stars that you think OP is being dramatic and U.

The good news is your DC will not be scarred for life OP. DC are resilient and fairly immune to manipulation when young.

“pisters”?! 😂

Freudian slip if ever there was one!

I read through, at first my reaction was you need to stop turning anything you dislike into a catastrophe, assuming anything but your rules will result in LO needing years of therapy.

They visited the nursery, tad odd they wouldn't mention it, but I think maybe this was done as you've possibly displayed some OTT rules, they maybe wanted to prove you can't control everything, as discussing it has never really got anywhere.

I think possibly you're really into attachment parenting, feeling rubbish DD has to go nursery, but ideally you would be a SAHM. Everyone has different ways of doing things.

Rather than berate you, it's easier to point out that you can't control everything, things are going to happen that you'd rather avoid. No one really wants their DC upset, I would imagine DD thinking ooh look who's here, over long standing trauma though.

Hope you're happier now.

you've possibly displayed some OTT rules

OTT is relative. And irrelevant. Op’s Baby, op’s rules.

Im struggling to teply to everyone! So i do apologise.

Wishful we so essentially believe in attached parenting, but are really happy she finally settled at nursery. We arent upset about her being at nursery, just how it was handled with them going into her space away from us. I get some people dont see it this way, but we do feel this way. It her time away from us to explore and experiment and develop friendships etc.

Some things can't be controlled, granted. But other things like relatives respecting our views on this is another thing. If you can't lean on your family to support you then that is disappointing. Again really appreciate your post and will deffo give it some thought

beaCal27 when my PFB was born my MIL announced he would be sleeping at hers once a week, used to constantly stimulate him until he cried and the party we had to attend when he was only 6 weeks old to celebrate his birth where he was so unsettled he constantly BF in a bedroom as there was nowhere in the sitting room for me to sit will be forever seated on my memory. She thought bedtimes were ridiculous, I was strict etc and a control freak no doubt. What I came on to say is that now my 2 are 5&7 we get on great! I laugh now when I remember his 1st birthday at her house with her in the middle of all the photos. She was insecure about her relationship with me and I was insecure about my relationship with my child. But I am my children’s mother and mainly they are brought up the way I want. They do go on sleepovers (first was when youngest was 4) and yes inevitably the youngest throws up afterwards through being overfed with rich food/ sweets but 90% of the time they are under my rules and they always come to me first if upset because I’m their Mum. Sorry not sure if this is helping but I guess what I am saying is that things can work out but first 2 years esp of pfb’s life are a time of heightened emotions, and it’s also really hard if you are working I found. But you hold all the cards, you and your DH actually control this situation. Keep a united front, keep smiling, keep on parenting how you want to. It will all work out in the long run 95% of the time.

The OPs language was a bit overblown but surely if you were planning to visit a young relatives nursery the day after visiting with the family, you would mention it? And as a parent it would be nice to be able to tell your dc "nanny and aunty x might be popping in for a little while tomorrow" instead of having them suddenly appear and then leave again?

I actually think the ILs sound weird as hell. Who on earth tours a nursery they won't realistically send their child to? Who encourages a mum to stop breastfeeding so they can have sleepovers? You don't need sleepovers to bond with your niece/grandchild. I think OP is NBU.

They sound really interfering and weird. Sweep your house for hidden bugs they might have left!

Xenia You may be joking but my MIL actually wanted DH to show her how to tape on her phone so she could record someone! I think it was someone at work. DH refused to have any part in it.

MIL’s favourite, older SIL, lied to MIL about who could pick up her two from school because MIL had previously caused trouble at the nursery (turning up when it was the other granny's turn and practically sparking a manhunt).

SIL should have told her outright because MIL found out eventually (one of the children told her that their other granny picked them up sometimes) and instead of taking it up with SIL-who-can-do-know-wrong, phoned the head to complain that the school lied about their policies.

A complete mess, embarrassed SIL and children who thought they had caused it all.

All because SIL didn’t put boundaries in place with MIL at the start.

Keep listening to your gut OP, keep your distance and don’t overshare with the ILs. They sound grabby.

How do you manage be out and about in town if you see them?

FFS. RTFT.

Tell that to a 2-year-old with separation anxiety. It is haaaaard.

I had a 2-4 yr old with separation anxiety, it is hard. My DS has ASD. I still wanted to teach him resiliency and try to improve his flexibility. He is a teenager now and I hope I've taught him it.

and again, yes, I'd be really irritated with ILs, but it is an overreaction to see that as something to "protect" my child from, if anything it is a learning opportunity, a chance for my child who has problems with change of routines to practice having a very small change in routine. "Look at this silly no big deal thing DS"

and yes, I've had my share of relatives who don't agree with my parenting, it can be horrible.

BTW, OP rigid adherence to routines can cause children to be more rigid, flexibility within reason is a good thing, it ends up in an adult who can tolerate change better with less stress. Having Grandma spoon feed a child who feeds themselves is not going to ruin things, in fact it gives your child a chance in a safe age-appropriate way to see that the world is a little broader than just themselves.

Pick your battles, there are going to be some doozies ahead that you are right to go all guns a-blazing on. If you do that with everything now you will struggle to get anyone to take you seriously when the time comes. "Oh what a surprise, Beacal is upset again" as opposed to "Beacal is usually chill, she is really upset about this".

Mine is a teen now too, but i actually made him much worse when he was wee by doing the resilience thing. Every child is different but MN forgets that.

Oh what a surprise, Beacal is upset again" as opposed to "Beacal is usually chill, she is really upset about this

Ha! No, it won’t. They don’t care. They want things their way and will gang up on and blame Beacal every time.

Unless you have experienced boundary stomping like this you have no idea.