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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH constant demands for sex

231 replies

Onefootforward1 · 24/08/2018 20:04

I really need some help and to know if IABU. My DH of 5 years is constantly harassing me for sex. I have 2 children under the age of 3 and it seems to have gotten worse since they were born. This is pretty much the only negative in our relationship but it’s really wearing me down.
He gropes me while i’m doing the kids breakfasts and makes constant sexual innuendos. He says i’m lucky that i have a husband who fancies me so much and jokes that i signed a contract saying he can do what he wants to me sexually.

We’ve had serious arguments, one when i was 8 months pregnant about how i don’t make an effort in the bedroom. Our younger son doesn’t sleep well and was up all night with a high temperature. I’ve had 3 hrs sleep, looked after the kids all day and DH’s family arrived for the BH weekend this afternoon. The younger DC has been clung to me crying all day and all DH has done since he got home is make sexual advances towards me. I asked him not to several times and eventually lost it and shouted at him in the kitchen and his family heard me. He’s now in a mood and said all i have to do is “be nice” but i feel like he doesn’t listen to me or respect me when i say no.

I now feel really embarassed and am left wondering whether i am just a horrible person for snapping at him all the time. I don’t know how to fix this or how to speak to him so that he understands that i’m exhausted and don’t want to have sex every day. Please help!

OP posts:
80sMum · 26/08/2018 10:11

I'm not surprised that you snapped at your DH. He needs to understand that his behaviour is not only childish, thoughtless and disrespectful, but is also completely unacceptable.

NorthernSpirit · 26/08/2018 10:21

Get some counselling before he starts looking elsewhere for it.

MessyBun247 · 26/08/2018 10:27

‘... you say he complains you're not into it when you give in... basically he just wants you to fake it so he doesn't feel like he's forced you’

Please read this OP. Then read it again until it sinks in. He doesn’t care that you don’t want sex. He doesn’t care about your feelings. He doesn’t see you as a human being with a mind of your own. He just thinks you are an object to ejaculate into. He wants you to pretend to enjoy something when he knows you aren’t enjoying it. Do you really think he will change?

TatianaLarina · 26/08/2018 10:29

The law says you must have ‘the freedom and capacity to consent’.

Coerced consent is not free consent.

Kennycalmit · 26/08/2018 10:30

He won’t change. Men who think and act like tho aren’t the type to change

TatianaLarina · 26/08/2018 10:43

You’ve nothing to lose by predicating the survival of the marriage on his complete sexual reform. He can certainly get counselling to help him. But I wouldn’t get your hopes up that this will result in any major change.

Daddyto2monsters · 26/08/2018 10:50

We have two under the age of 10 and sex can be very difficult and then when it happens it is like a race to the finish.

I used to be quite demanding for sex (bad I know) but am a very hands on Dad and now get the "im to tired" part. I think its not about quantity but quality. Dads can become very needy after a baby and then again when they hit difficult ages.

If I am honest I felt pushed out when we had our first but that was my issue and I dealt with it. I do think this manifested in me wanting more sex as this was the only time I felt I got alone time with my wife. I also had an issue where I felt sex was the only way to express my love for my wife and made me feel very close to her.

I would suggest intimacy time (not sex). Just sit with each other watching tv or something and hold hands. Hold his gaze for more than a couple of seconds and see where it goes. It helped with my relationship as it taught me that intimacy does not mean sex and does not have to involve a sexual act.

stillnotTheDoctor · 26/08/2018 10:52

Daddy the problem I had with my ex is that he would take any sign of affection as an indication I was up for sex. So it got to the point where I didn't dare touch him.

Seaweed42 · 26/08/2018 11:02

What Daddyto says has some bearing on it. If someone is needy and insecure this doesn't show itself until you have kids. A lot of things don't show themselves until you have kids.
When you are couple on your own, there is no need for clingy 'possession' of each other. There is no one else to compete with.
If a needy and insecure person sees others getting possession of their loved one (the kids getting all the attention) then the result is a need for 'possession'.
This is sort of what Freud talked about in relation to kids winning possession of a parent and pushing the other parent away.
The OPs DH needs to physically possess his wife in order to feel connected with her. For him, this need is through sexual connection because his 'feeling' system is very basic and hasn't matured. Therefore, at the moment, he has only one channel for connection unless he develops a more mature way to connect and understand his own feelings.
Counselling might help a lot. However, the underlying insecurity stems from your DHs upbringing and his relationship to his mother.

Spaghettijumper · 26/08/2018 11:05

Daddy I know you're genuinely trying to be helpful but I think you've missed the point in this situation - the OP is now at the stage that her husband is having sex with her knowing she doesn't want it and sexually assaults her on an almost constant basis. Would you want to be intimate with someone like that?

Also I can't help but pick up on your statement 'Dads can become very needy after a baby and then again when they hit difficult ages.' I really try not to get sucked into viewing men as pathetic manbabies but seriously, a woman carries a baby for 9 months, with all the difficulties that entails, then gives birth, which often involves hours of extreme pain followed by injuries of various sorts, then has to care for a tiny extremely needy baby, despite being exhausted and sore and men's response, having gone through none of this, is to think of their own needs??? To expect their injured exhausted partner to give them attention as well as the tiny baby that just came out of them? Can you see how ridiculous that is?

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 26/08/2018 11:17

‘Dads can become very needy after a baby.’
Oh come on daddy do you realise how ridiculous that sounds?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 26/08/2018 11:18

Daddy, have we seen you before? I sense a blip in the Matrix...

Daddyto2monsters · 26/08/2018 11:24

I get the points people have made. This next statement is in no way intended to reflect the OPs situation but answer a statement I have seen.

It is no fault of my own or other Fathers that they do not carry the baby. During pregnancy Mothers bond with the baby as you said they carry them for 9 months. I am not saying that men think of their own needs but can you not see the shoe on the other foot. We as Dads are expected to carry on all the time, I was once told something similar to the phrase you used "manbaby" when I decided to say I was struggling to come to terms with being a dad after the birth of my child. I struggled for months with a guilt for feeling pushed out and when it all became to much I sought help, I was told I had Postnatal depression and was totally threw this out as I thought only mums get that.

Again you say Dads did not go through the extreme pain or issues relating to pregnancy. The hardest day of my life was seeing my Wife in pain and being able to do nothing, I can assure you for most Dads we have gone through it in some way shape or form.

I do see it is ridiculous in the sense of how you worded it from a one point perspective but you have failed to account for any of the Dads feelings in that statement. This is now completely off topic so I will leave the thread as with so many things on MN, Dads or males opinions are shredded and ridiculed.

OP I am sorry for your situation and hope you resolve this as soon as possible for the best outcome for you.

AnyFucker · 26/08/2018 11:27

If you come across as ridiculous then don't be surprised if you are ridiculed.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 26/08/2018 11:28

daddy your opinion isnt being ridiculed because you are male. It is because it sounds ludicrous in the context of the post by the OP.

differentnameforthis · 26/08/2018 11:29

Dads can become very needy after a baby and then again when they hit difficult ages. Excuses. Men don't do that, boys do. men understand, men don't demand. Stop excusing.

Hopoindown31 · 26/08/2018 11:30

I don't think most men are needy man children after the birth of children at all. Most know that it will take some time for their partners to recover after childbirth. Men who aren't capable of doing this are not mature enough to be fathers. However by the same token I've seen plenty of women who become almost obsessive about the children long after the initial stages and are in permanent 'mum mode'. They don't engage in any self-care at all (including quality time with their partners) and sort of snap out of it several years later wondering why their marriage is shit and they have no feelings for their husband. You see it all the time on MN - "he's a great dad and works hard but now the kids are older I've realised I don't love him anymore."

Romantic relationships require effort and you can only put things on hold for so longer before the rot sets in.

Spaghettijumper · 26/08/2018 11:31

Of course dads struggle. Mums struggle too. The difference is mums generally don't expect to use their husband's bodies as a sort of comfort blankie to make them feel better. Mums just get the fuck on with it and don't behave like needy infants.

AngelsAckiz · 26/08/2018 11:39

There are some very insightful comments on here about this. Daddytomonsters is showing how childish some men can be. I'd be ashamed to be admitting "some men get needy" as though it's quite normal and justified. Incredibly childish, selfish and entitled nonesense. Glad you got over it, but what does it say about men in the first place?

Hopoindown31 · 26/08/2018 11:42

angelsackiz

That some of them aren't mature enough to be fathers. Hardly news really.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 26/08/2018 11:45

Oh Daddy, shut up. I can't even begin to go through what's wrong with that whinge fest.

Does he remind any of you of somebody who also has two kids and a stick up his arse about MN?

kidsneedfathers · 26/08/2018 11:59

OP my heart goes to you. I didn't want to have sex with my husband after my premature twins were born- because they constantly needed me as they had problems-for a few years ; luckily he was often abroad. Now about you. I dont know how to help. i just have some suggestions : can you send him to live with his parents for a while to reflect on his actions? Alternatively can you go and live somewhere else with your kids for a while and take some help to replace the help of your H? After a couple of months of this "separation period" trial-see whether he is ready for some therapy before you accept to resume your relationship. ..good luck!

AnyFucker · 26/08/2018 12:27

Ayn, yup

Spaghettijumper · 26/08/2018 12:33

I don't understand how men aren't ashamed to admit that they are jealous of a tiny helpless baby (their own child, no less) and that they demand the use of their partners' bodies to make up for it! I mean, how can you even look at yourself in the mirror when you behave like that??

MaryandMichael · 26/08/2018 12:44

To all those saying i should leave, do you think it’s possible for him to change and our relationship to be saved with separate counselling for both of us?

It might be possible, but it is unlikely. Why would you want to stay with someone who rapes you? Also beware 'counselling'. In couples counselling a lot of counsellors seem to take sides - the man's side - according to what I read on MN.