Share your ‘red flags’ for the good of womankind updated

[Electrascoffee]

Please can we have another thread about this. I need to be constantly reminded. I’ve just had another nightmare relationship and the things I can take from it:

He was pretty isolated. He had only one friend who he also managed to piss off frequently. His family didn’t see him or even know he was moving House even though they lived in the same town. His daughter won’t speak to or see him.

When he’s happy everything is sweetness and light. If he’s having trouble at work, or is ill it’s somehow my fault. Using others as an emotional dumping ground for his shit is somehow normal according to him (he says this)

Emotionally manipulative. Dumped me in a crowded restaurant and then decided he’d made a terrible mistale.

Criticised my clothes. Said he didn’t like my perfume.

Made grandiose claims about himself.

Kept telling me sob stories about how he always got the blame for things by his ex wife and how he was only ever trying to get on with everyone. All his exes had BPD or NPD and all he wants is a quiet life.

Making me feel bad if I didn’t orgasm and then if I gave him guidance I was making him feel shit in bed.

[PerverseConverse]

@Cantgetthisshitoutmyhead oh god yes. One of the first things he said once we'd met in person (been chatting via OLD for weeks) was that I was a strong person. Although he seemed to think I hid behind my strong persona and that I was actually very "soft." I supported him as best I could through his mental health difficulties and he said I was really supportive, even had a little "positives" note on his computer screen quoting "supportive partner" but when I got sick of his poor me attitude and refusal to help himself he quickly changed his tune and he found me unsupportive.

What I struggle with though is all the good times, all the nice things and supportive things he did. He was subtly abusive and I ended it after about 11 months so maybe he hadn't had time to properly ramp it up. There was lots of little things from day one really but I stupidly ignored them as he seemed such a great guy and he seemed to be everything I ever wanted. Sometimes I still wonder if I was cruel to end things and call him on his abusive and manipulative ways.

[Cantgetthisshitoutmyhead]

@PerverseConverse I can assure you, you definately got out at the best time, my Exh was classic covert narcist, everything was very subtle, I could never put my finger on it, he knew to be nice, caring and fabulous but it lacked depth, it was all dare I say "learned", as if it was picked up from films, that's what made him so attractive because he mimicked great films, we all love a good romantic leading man but the average man isn't like Christian Grey but we'd love them to be.. So when we find this great person who possesses this persona we are totally smitten, the problem is a film lasts for 3 hours, they have no clue how to take this great guy they pretend to be onto another level or how does this great guy cope in a crisis, they fail to "learn" that part of life..

[Cantgetthisshitoutmyhead]

I genuinely think there's a pathological part to play in persons with this type of behaviour, there's stunted progression from say 12 years and an accelerated part of the personality to say 70! I have a DS who is 12 who possesses lots of the descriptions of exh behaviour as do all 12 year old children
Fight my battles mum
I'm ignoring you mum
I'm going to play you off against someone mum
Feed me mum
Your horrible mum
I didn't do that mum
I'm going to break your rules mum
Then the pattern to get what they want
I love you mum
Your the best mum
You look lovely mum
They don't actually mentally feel that depth yet as they aren't old enough to truly mean it but they recognise it makes you smile,

That's where the adult-child is stuck, unlike a child though they posses this other element like my 70 year old DM
not apologising everyone else is wrong
Set in ways
Wont swallow pride
Cut a conversation dead
Fall outs last for months
Very critical

Its safe to say reading through the other posts, there's a definite pattern to be seen, I don't believe this is something that they are fully in control of.

[curryinahurry77]

I had huge numbers of red flags during a 15 year relationship. I'm not academically stupid, two science degrees, successful business, blah blah. But back then I had low self esteem and zero boundaries.

Sadly, emotion can rule over logic.

Why did I not heed the red flags? How in gods name did I end up marrying and having three lovely children with this inhumane sod?

He was the first person to say he loved me, and the first person that I had any kind of emotional or physical connection with. I was too innocent, too trusting, too loyal, too resilient, and too optimistic.

Here are just some of the red flags:

• Love bombing: Telling me he loved me and that we were soulmates within a month of meeting.
  
• Tantrums: the first time I cooked for him he threw a strop because it was 'the wrong type of steak'. Years later I would get the silent treatment if he didn't like what I cooked him for dinner.
  
• Hugely defensive
  
• Selfish: We always went to see the films he wanted to see, he refused to see anything I wanted
  
• My accomplishments were minimised.
  
• Weird family values: his mum regularly aired her opinion that all men are gamblers, womanisers or alcoholics. She also said "all women are bitches"
  
• Hates going to visit his mum/sister/brother
  
• Gambling. He could not understand why I had an issue with him gambling £100s/£1000s on the horses when we were saving to buy a flat/planning a wedding/having children etc. I was the one with the problem, not him.
  
• Juvenile behaviour: Acting all wounded and stroppy if I didn't get him an AMAZING birthday or Christmas present.
  
• Lying about the oddest things e.g. that he failed his driving test when he didn't even attend it
  
• Also lying about the HUGEST things, like wanting to get married - he told me recently "we all say things we don't mean". Errrrr, nope.
  
• Repeat affairs......sleeping with OW when I was 6 months pregnant with DD2. He swore on his unborn child's life that he would never do it again. I trusted and believed him. He did do it again - with his masseuse
  
• Lack of respect for women. He told the above OW by text: "don't tell curryinahurry that we f***".
  
• No good friendships
  
• Selfish: Sleeping on my hospital bed because he was knackered/hungover after being away on a sport tour. I was knackered because I was in labour and 8cm dilated, but he needed the bed more than me.
  
• Intimidating: I felt too scared to have a conversation about anything he may view as a 'challenge' to his behaviour because he could get very verbally aggressive.
  

I wish I could have read a thread like this one 15 years ago!!

Please don't ignore red flags.
Trust your gut feeling. x

[rightknockered]

Love bombing and being madly in love with me, declaring love at first sight, etc
Spitting out food I had cooked and "teaching" me to cook
Complaining that I was never grateful enough and getting more and more angry at my apparent lack of appreciation for a cup of tea for example
Also lying on my hospital bed after I had had a c-section, the midwife gave me a leaflet on domestic abuse after that, but I was too afraid to do anything
Also eating my food in hospital,
Complaining every day that I was in recovery from the c-section and forcing me to sleep downstairs with newborn ds1 because he needed sleep
It was like this after each child and I believed him when he said he didn't realise it was so cruel
Lying about ridiculous things. He said he was colourblind, still maintains that lie now and brings it up to get attention
Phoning me constantly when I was out of the house and then cross examining me on my return home, this slowly lead to him hiding my keys and throwing away my shoes to stop me leaving the house.
Only wanting sex at stupid times like 2.30 am and often waking me to do so, and then only wanting it how he wanted, forcing me if I refused. Raping me while I was asleep.
Pushing me and saying it was an accident, accidentally squeezing my hand to hard, eventually thumping and head butting me.

[Electrascoffee]

'Sadly, emotion can rule over logic.'

Ain't that the truth?

[Wallflowerfire]

My ex used to have an imaginary penis repellent spray that he told me he used with his ex whenever she said anything that sounded insecure, eg pulling him up on a hurtful thing he had done, the spray was to let her know she was so unattractive by what she’d said that it had repelled his erection.

I should have listened to him, because he then used it on me once - after I pulled him up on him asking yet another question about my ex boyfriends. It wasn’t done in jest either, he flipped out. went on to nastily criticise me and tell me I was ‘mental’ for getting so touchy.

Entitled narcissist, total red flag.

[prettygirlincrimsonrose]

I worry sometimes about my SIL because from the outside it appears like there are some red flags with BIL.

He has a crazy ex, goes on about how awesome SIL is and how he hates being apart from her (she is lovely but it feels like he overdoes it), doesn't really have friends, and sometimes makes references to being really angry (e.g. 'I wanted to punch him' said quite aggressively with clenched fists). The first time we met him we were all out in town at an event drinking, and generally getting on ok. SIL and DH were being silly (basically being siblings who hadn't seen each other in a while) and had skipped off to get some things from DH's workplace instead of waiting for us. I wasn't particularly bothered and was waiting for them to come back but BIL got really annoyed and just walked off leaving me on my own in town. Obviously not a big thing, but he seemed to suddenly snap from fine to really pissed off and it's stuck with me.

But SIL seems really happy and I don't feel like I can say anything. And I might be completely wrong as there's obviously lots I don't see, it's just a gut feeling. Is it enough to be there and try and give her opportunities to talk if she ever doesn't seem happy?

[PerverseConverse]

@prettygirlincrimsonrose you can ask if she's ok and mention the mood swings he has?

[PerverseConverse]

I've resigned myself to being single now because although I'm aware of the red flags I'm too slow to see them, give too many chances, and gloss over the subtle red flags. I no longer trust myself to make good choices.

[Electrascoffee]

Me too PC :(

[ohnothanks]

So many.

Being horrible to his mum and seeing her brush it of as "his bad temper... let him cool down"... erm no, no thank you.

General dissing of women. His mother was mad, and his father justified in having affairs as a consequence. No.

Being mean or needlessly rude to serving staff in restaurants etc.

Angry driver.

Anti-intellctual and MASSIVE chip on shoulder about academic prowess.

Lack of long-standing friends.

Poor attitude to work: people always incompetent or out to get him.

Complete lack of self-reflection and thought about own behaviour.

[ohnothanks]

But above all that... if you hear a nagging, needling question along the lines of "is he good enough for me?" Then theanswer is most likely NOOOOOOOOO.

[PerverseConverse]

I'd been with my ex about 5/6 weeks but I didn't feel comfortable referring to him as my boyfriend and felt weird when he called me his girlfriend and even more so when he said partner which is a term I've never liked. I was happy but I couldn't put my finger on that elusive something that was holding me back. So I put it down to being overly cautious after being hurt so many times in the past. It was my gut instinct telling me something wasn't right though and I wish I'd listened to it back then.

[userxx]

This thread is absolutely ace as it's keeping me strong whilst dealing with someone who has stamped all over my boundaries in the past, today I told him to fuck off. It's also terrifying that so many of us have been involved with these types........ how many of them are out there.

[Electrascoffee]

I'm glad this thread is helping more of us than just me!

[Lorddenning1]

Bloody hell @Electrascoffee is that all the same guy?

[Electrascoffee]

I'm afraid so 😢 I was just talking to my friend & we agreed he's the worst yet, and I'm not known for finding decent men.

[Lorddenning1]

I'm newly single so this thread is good for me to read, I am prone to losers

[rightknockered]

My ex was always late, never on time. Kept everyone waiting for him, when people complained to him about it, he smirked, I think he enjoyed feeling important enough for people to wait around for him.
Minimised everything I ever achieved, to the point that I now feel apologetic about it all, I split with him over 4 years ago. He'd accuse me of showing off. Yet he went on and on about having a 2:1 and a masters. As if his achievements were more important, and useful.
He belittled any hobby I enjoyed, like knitting, working out, running, art. He had no hobbies that were not tech related.
He liked to tell everyone, at any opportunity, that I was ugly without make up, and only looked good when dressed. And I mean everyone, even the neighbours and at one point ds1's teacher.
He basically liked to humiliate, embarrass and belittle me.

[coolcahuna]

Reading all these and nodding! I dated someone briefly earlier this year

Ex was a witch and was no contact with his daughter. All their fault, not his.

Constantly talking about fights and looking for a fight. Just out and about.

Constantly bigging himself up and boasting about looks and talents. Very vain. Obsessed with social media. Trolled people online for sport with fake profiles etc. Telling me that he was great and everyone fancied him. Then complaining I never gave him compliments. I told him no need mate, you're doing it all by yourself!

Complimentary to me but other women referred as bitches etc.

Didn't work. Very entitled. Wanted the most expensive brands despite not working.

Lazy. Sulks.

I saw the light when I was called a stupid woman and a twat. Done and dusted the next day. I've worked hard to get my home, no-one is going to speak to me like that ! That was the first time he'd used language like that with me.

[butterballs9]

Also lying on my hospital bed after I had had a c-section, the midwife gave me a leaflet on domestic abuse after that, but I was too afraid to do anything
Also eating my food in hospital,
---

Soon to be ex did this - I hadn't had a c-section but I had just given birth. The young male obstetrician came in and soon to be ex was lying on the bed, eating food. I did notice the obstetrician smiling in a rather wry fashion - no doubt had seen this before. Soon to be ex couldn't stand me being the centre of attention and not him!

One of the things soon to be ex told me early on was: 'No-one will ever love me like I do'. At the time, I found it quite flattering but in retrospect it was creepy, controlling and presumptuous - how did he know? The other factor in it was that I didn't love him in the way that he wanted. Perhaps that was what he really meant: 'you will never love me the way I want you to'.

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Exh was awful after c section. He would leave me behind as I couldn't keep up with him. Also made me walk fucking everywhere because of the environment.

[SocialPiranha]

Oh god butterball my ex did the same! I didn’t have a section but like most people who have just given birth I was exhausted and in pain! Ended up with him eating most of my toast, ordering himself a coffee (the midwife thought it was for me I think) and having a sleep in my hospital bed while I fell asleep sitting up in the armchair while trying to bf the new baby. Dirty bastard didn’t even remove his shoes. The midwife said nothing except to tell me to never fall asleep holding the baby like that again (I know I shouldn’t). I was dying of embarrassment. Pretty sure ex liked that though. He also wanted a blowjob when I was in labour and on pethidine. “Ahh go on just touch it”. Fuck sake.

[userxx]

@SocialPiranha Words fail me. I'd have bitten it off.