Share your ‘red flags’ for the good of womankind updated

[Electrascoffee]

Please can we have another thread about this. I need to be constantly reminded. I’ve just had another nightmare relationship and the things I can take from it:

He was pretty isolated. He had only one friend who he also managed to piss off frequently. His family didn’t see him or even know he was moving House even though they lived in the same town. His daughter won’t speak to or see him.

When he’s happy everything is sweetness and light. If he’s having trouble at work, or is ill it’s somehow my fault. Using others as an emotional dumping ground for his shit is somehow normal according to him (he says this)

Emotionally manipulative. Dumped me in a crowded restaurant and then decided he’d made a terrible mistale.

Criticised my clothes. Said he didn’t like my perfume.

Made grandiose claims about himself.

Kept telling me sob stories about how he always got the blame for things by his ex wife and how he was only ever trying to get on with everyone. All his exes had BPD or NPD and all he wants is a quiet life.

Making me feel bad if I didn’t orgasm and then if I gave him guidance I was making him feel shit in bed.

Sigh. I think reading all of this that any chance to find a decent, warm, kind, caring, non controlling guy is doomed :( think I’m just going to get cats instead :(

I will definitely be teaching my daughter to trust her instincts. I spent several years with someone who literally scared me witless but kept on thinking I was wrong as my mum and everyone else seemed to really like him. I thought I was going mad. I wasn't. Weirdly what made me see the light was a dream I had that we were getting married. In the dream, the wedding car was all dirty and my mum turned up in rags because she said this wedding wasn't worth celebrating. I then realised what I had known deep down all along!

@Cawfee I relate to your post. Excessive use of phone/tablet/tech was a common feature of exh, exp and a dear friend exp going through awful DA separation just now. Then can literally never put their phone down.

Exh can't even put his phone down whilst spending a few moments in my house dropping the dds. It's quite cringy. I had a honeymoon period with exp of about 6 months where he wasn't bonded to his phone but that cane to an end abruptly. I can't stand it and resent other people doing it at social events.

Lying and/or hiding things
Cancelling arrangements
Overly sexual
Refusal to talk on the phone
Controlling tendencies
Dysfunctional relationship with parent/s
Blowing hit and cold
Obsessional behaviour
Inconsistency/unpredictability
Anger issues
Being unnecessarily critical
Gaslighting

I used to go out with someone who would turn up on nights out (if I went out without him) to “give me a lift home” (so basically make sure I’m not having too much fun and make me leave before I’m ready).

He would be horrible about other women’s looks. He took it really personally if he found a woman unattractive, even if she only worked with him or was on his course.

He borrowed a lot of money from me - eventually he paid it back but it took years (after we broke up). He also “borrowed” lots of small amounts which he never paid back. If he put £10 on the electric, I would have to put £20 on next time. He once wrote a friend a cheque to pay for his share of something and muttered “mean cow” when she noticed that he hadn’t signed it.

Urgh the curtailing nights out. A friends partner does this constantly and we have big concerns that this relationship is co ercive.

My exp said 'people only go to the gym to have affairs' there was my giant red banner!

My ex went one further than just checking my phone. He, somehow, and I still don't know how, hacked into my laptop and read all my emails and he deleted photos I had on there! It was very scary at the time because he read emails from friends and relatives and accused me of having affairs with them all!! He was bragging about it once and said all he needed was an email address! I have changed my phone number and email address since then. But he still tried to contact me months after we'd broken up!

This is from over twenty okay, nearly thirty years ago when I was young and naive and didn't know any better.

My Hindsight List.

1. Got jealous and moody over ex-boyfriends that I had before I even met him.
2. Silent treatment.
3. Mocked my behaviour around my friends so that I changed it to suit him.
4. Could not bear any form of teasing.
5. Tight as a gnat's fanjo.
6. Told me tales of the awful way he and his friends talked about and treated women as if it was funny.
7. I found myself lying about previous sexual experiences for a quiet life. We were married for fifteen years and to this day he thinks his was the first cock I ever touched
8. Would never apologise, other than to say 'Sorry if I upset you', which is clearly not an apology.
9. Was shit-scared of his mum.

10. Never, EVER put me first. Ever.

That's just the list from before I married him. I'd get writer's cramp if I started listing the shit that came down after the rings were on.

Yes withdrawing affection to punish. Then, when I pulled him on it he said ‘you need to be patient’ ugh

*Tell them once and once only that it's unacceptable.

They do it again - IMMEDIATE STRAIGHT RED CARD

No matter what. Whatever they say/do, tears/threats, do not budge.

Don't EVER go back on this.*

Does that go for cheating too? Lying? Anything they do, if they do it again it's done? Just curios

@Verbena87 In all relationships I’ve found it a game-changer to think “does this make me feel more like myself, not less?” at regular intervals, and also “does this relationship make me feel happy, comfortable, loved, proud of myself, confident, listened to and validated way more often than it makes me feel tired, anxious or not understood?”

This

Does that go for cheating too? Lying? Anything they do, if they do it again it's done? Just curios

I'm puzzled by this. Surely cheating and lying would be definites not exceptions

I follow this. Life's a lot simpler.

It’s about YOUR boundaries

What’s a line for you. Cross that more than once, knowingly and it’s game over

One of the first times we stayed in a hotel together - I can't quite remember the lead up to what happened but I found myself outside the bedroom door wearing few if any clothes and trying to get back into the room. Soon to be ex found it highly amusing to drag me along the corridor, hugely embarrassed and loudly protesting. Eventually, I managed to get back into the room but I had carpet burns on my legs and bum.

WHY did I not just leave then and there? Or at least book into another room and leave first thing with him to pay the bill for the extra room?

I will NEVER put up with bad treatment again EVER. Much better to be single than in a mediocre (or worse) relationship. Always watch behaviour as well as words. Behaviour shows you what to expect. If it's bad it won't get better but will get worse. Walk away. Repeat - walk away.

@butterballs9 Oh what a horrible man. I'm sorry he did that to you. Rotten behaviour. The thing is we can all look back and why we put up with things we've put up. The main thing is you'll never put up with it ever again.

*and wonder why

Yes indeed - this is the danger of ignoring red flags.....a relationship should be about feeling excited about new possibilities.....a glimpse of things that could be exciting and better. It's about 1+1 = a lot more than 0.5.....

I was talking to my Aunty about this tonight and she said the problem is that if the sex is good that can keep you there even though the rest of the relationship is a mess because the sex causes you to see the person not for who they really are.

Red flags from a few of my exes:

Obsessive need for sex (3-4 times a day)
Obsession with getting me pregnant (control)
Asking me over and over again to adopt all principles of the surrendered wife
Constantly being asked to ‘surrender and submit’ and when asked what this really meant he couldn’t adequately articulate it
zero friends
very distant relationships with all relatives even children
many jobs in a small space of time (5 in 6 years!)
crushing financial status
grand protestations of love “let’s elope”
lying over the most innocuous of things
expensive gift giving (most recently thousands of pounds on a push present)
choosing outfits for you to wear
excessively communicative - texting/emailing/calling all day every day
no empathy
wanting to spend all of his time with you, sulking when you have other plans which do not involve him
drinking every single day
secretive with phone (disabling all notifications)
push/pull behaviour
punishment when things don’t go his way
needing to be the priority always, even over your own children/other peoples kids
excessively charming yet unable to forge long lasting meaningful relationships
over-confidence with women
all relationships he had were with vulnerable women - it’s as if he could smell our vulnerability
seeks out a tonne of information and gives very little in return. This gives the illusion that he’s very communicative and open when in fact he was extremely shut off

I was willing to put up with the above due to not having enough self worth or boundaries.

• crazy exes/all previous relationships ended on bad terms
• didn't like me seeing friends or family
• ridiculously mean
• referred to the mother of his child as "worst mistake of my life that c&nt"
• suicide threats
• Often spoke to and about his mother and sister like utter shite
• No close friendships
• Alcohol and drug abuse
• Constantly put on a silly little voice and did impressions of me
• No sympathy if I was unwell- even when I was seriously unwell he refused to take me to the doctors
• Ruined my birthdays and his sisters wedding by basically having a tantrum- it was like he needed all the attention on him no matter how badly he had to behave to get it

No sympathy/empathy is one that can show quite early if your aware enough and is a big red flag.

Yes Christmas - all the above are dealbreakers. Totally agree with the confusion, working out what someone is thinking stuff. Also agree about care, trust and respect - all vital.

Purple - yes...easy to ignore those early red flags and give the benefit of the doubt but they are total giveaways.

The birthdays yes, most of them ruined here too, gave him an I pad for his 40th, I got the silent treatment for my 40th..

In some ways we have to remember these people only go for people they regard as strong, the reasoning for that is because they can hide behind us, like a classic picture of a child hiding behind a parents leg.... they need us to be that strength because our purpose is to feed them (supply) and fight their battles for them, at the same time fight our own battles, as they would never do that for us. We loose strength easily as this in it's self is very draining as an adult-child is hard work, they see us as weakening so that's when they abuse, because we failed their expectations.
Just my personal take on it, if your recovering from these people, embrace the fact you were once strong, strong enough for them to be attracted to you and you will be strong again. X