Share your ‘red flags’ for the good of womankind updated

[Electrascoffee]

Please can we have another thread about this. I need to be constantly reminded. I’ve just had another nightmare relationship and the things I can take from it:

He was pretty isolated. He had only one friend who he also managed to piss off frequently. His family didn’t see him or even know he was moving House even though they lived in the same town. His daughter won’t speak to or see him.

When he’s happy everything is sweetness and light. If he’s having trouble at work, or is ill it’s somehow my fault. Using others as an emotional dumping ground for his shit is somehow normal according to him (he says this)

Emotionally manipulative. Dumped me in a crowded restaurant and then decided he’d made a terrible mistale.

Criticised my clothes. Said he didn’t like my perfume.

Made grandiose claims about himself.

Kept telling me sob stories about how he always got the blame for things by his ex wife and how he was only ever trying to get on with everyone. All his exes had BPD or NPD and all he wants is a quiet life.

Making me feel bad if I didn’t orgasm and then if I gave him guidance I was making him feel shit in bed.

Doing anyhu g at all that makes you feel unsafe - even speeding

I love this thread and haven't even properly read the first post.

'I really don't have anything to say.'

He wasn't exaggerating. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

-fallen out with key family members (parents/siblings/children)
-crazy ex's
-children under 16 they don't se because ex is a bitch (I think if they meant that much you would go through court)

• pointing out random women and saying they look like a slag etc

-rude to service staff -unnecessarily mean to others (e.g homeless man asks for spare change and they say fuck off you dirty scum etc) -too full on too soon

• not following up on promises no matter how small e.g I'll ring you tomorrow, unless good reason
• turning up with no warning
• jealous of male friends or collegues
• I don't know how to word this one but an ex let me get 3 trains home at 10pm at night when I was 16 rather than drive me 25 mins home because he wanted to save on fuel (I even offered petrol money)

Actually as a rule if you wouldn't want your daughter to date someone like them then they aren't good enough for you.

Gosh same ones over and over.

No friends. Well one fairweather friend who he fell out with
Daughter who refused to speak to him
Two exes, one who chucked him out in the snow and never let him back in, he doesn’t know why , the other ex wife who threw a party when they divorced
Focused on me from day one, no life so just hung around waiting for me to finish work
Jealousy/checking up on me but tried to cover it up eg always in my area just passing, once he called in to go to the toilet (he lived 30 miles away ) once he passed my house at 9am and my friend’s car was on the drive from the night before and he went spare even though he knew my (woman)friend was visiting
Lazy. When he said he had done nothing all day, he actually meant nothing, just sat on the settee all day not even watching the tv
Over helpful at first eg doing things/getting me things I didn’t even want and then when we broke up said he felt used
Stopped being helpful after a while, making a big show offering to do a job but then not doing it and never mentioning it again
Obstructing my nights out (rare) by calling me away with an emergency or guilt tripping me by saying, I never thought you would really go when I was so upset about ..../I can’t believe you went tbh...
False
Smarmy
Cheesy smile
Bigging himself up, made out he was really popular at work and everybody said he was always laughing (false)
Mr nice guy actually turned out to be an angry bully

When I ended it, he made such nasty threats against me that the police turned up within half an hour in the middle of the night when I reported it
Threatened suicide by calling me to tell me he was at the top of a mountain and was going to drive off but he wouldn’t tell me what mountain he was on for me to call the police (he is still alive on Plenty of Fish)

Meanness with money - not paying way or share, expecting you to fund the home while their money is about 'them'.
All activities are about their preferences and hobbies.
Vagueness about family or other key relationships.
Taking doing something once as a commitment to do it forever, whether its taking out the bin, cooking supper or paying for a holiday.
Making commitments for you without talking about it.
Belittling your successes or career.
Turning everything to being about them.

Definitely the bigging themselves up. One of my ex boyfriends was forever telling me tales of how this women said he didn't look his age, that one tried to pull him, stories of all the women he'd slept with but would get angry when I talked about my ex. Negging. He slipped in sly little jibes about my body at every opportunity. Blamed everything on me - I was mental, I scared the shit out of him, blah blah blah.

Oh another one about mine is how he treated his daughter. He told me how he dropped her off at a sleep over, then decided he didn't want her to be there so went back after 10 minutes and took her out. Totally selfish - not thinking about her feelings at all.

He kept saying horrible things about his daughter (presumably because she doesn't have any time for him). Like 'she's got really fat', 'you wouldn't like her' I asked him to stop being an arsehole about his daughter. And reminded him that his relationship with her is HIS responsibility.

Also he moaned about his son. Who, apart from me and his mum was the only person who would do anything for him.

'He gets on my nerves he's got too much testosterone' yeah, well he is a 20 year old guy 🙄

One thing I'm curious about is how to we distinguish between love bombing and a genuine connection/interest in you?

I think I was raised to think most men would use me and that that was the worst possible thing so I've attached myself to love bombers.

Obviously I get when it's super full on it's not right... but obviously I want to try and avoid the ones that are clearly not that interested/just interest enough to get me into bed.

What kind of signs should we be looking for that the man is genuinely interested in a non lovebomby way?

Hmm - my ex was quite complicated. In lots of ways he was and is a ‘nice guy’. But he was a terrible husband. It makes it more complicated because the red flags didn’t come out until we were married and we had children - basically when I was vulnerable and dependent.

But the main one was:
Avoidance of any real communication regarding issues raised by me- this was done by charm. If he let me down and I called him out, he would be charming and apologetic - there would often be flowers (which I didn’t want) and then it was supposed to be forgotten. It felt exhausting to keep going on about it. After a period of time he would do it again. I felt frustrated, not listened to - like what I felt didn’t matter. But on the surface he was loving, attentive and kind. In future I would listen and give weight to those feelings.

It’s hard to describe, but I would know it instinctively if I came up against it now. But I would never again be in that vulnerable position of having young children and wanting a marriage to work for their sake. I know I could walk away.

Taking issue with anything in your past. Exh and I for all his faults were very open about past experiences and it was never an issue. Exp couldn't handle this at all and gave me grief about mentioning ex partners for the duration of our relationship. He also told me he thought me going travelling (extensively before I had kids) was pointless and selfish. He told me I shouldn't have had dd2 and also that he understood why exh left me (he didn't I threw him out), that I must be shit at my job (sw) because I have no tact (been doing it a decade now) he would start these conversations over and over and over.

Love bombing
Moving fast
Ex was apparently mental
Created a triangle, him, me, the ex
ALWAYS the victim
What a catch, couldn't believe my luck
Constantly wanted me to have what ex had
Told me he always fancied me
Moved into my home
Engaged within months and married soon after
THEN....
Ignored anyone who came to visit
Stonewalled
Covertly grandiose
Planted ladies garments around the house
Would laugh in my face if I was upset
Broke or binned everything that was sentimental to me
Tell me he loved me but I was mentally unstable and needed help
Then would stop me seeing a councillor
I wasn't allowed help in any form, from him or anyone else
Twisted every conversation

@ThriceThriceThice my exh would be a complete arsehole then buy gifts. In a strange way there was at least some acknowledgment of fault there

@Cantgetthisshitoutmyhead the breaking things is discussed often on here sadly.

Don't, under any circumstances, allow "You're better than her" flattery to turn your head if he starts "my ex was a bitch" etc, particularly early in the relationship. Your relationship is about you & he getting to know and love each other, not spending time speaking an old relationship into yours.

It's a no good ego stroke and sympathy seeking conversation designed to put you up on a pedestal then knock you off it. At which point you'll become the crazy bitter ex, and people may actually believe it of you just as you believed his talk.

Undue criticism of women, misogyny, sexism.

Partner or perspective partner constantly analysing you - it's wearing, and is a self-important way of leading up to criticisms of you.

Unkindness - to you, waiters, family, animals etc whoever. A relationship is dead in the water without kindness.

Don't allow a man to make you do penance for his past relationship. You're not there to 'pay' for the sins of others

These red flags I won't get involved with or justify for even a moment, nobody on earth is worth the angst

I'm hours out of finishing a relationship because of the following

Being called:
Cunt
Bitch
Slag
Slut
Weak
A tyrant

Apparently I looked at someone whilst out and was told he should "smash my fucking face in"

Physically stopping me from leaving a room on more than one occasion

Mocking my past relationships and shaming me for people I'd been in relationships with.

I'm such an idiot. How did I get in this fucking mess.

Just saw this from Toogoodtobetrue

The biggest red flags are probably any noticable indications that he considers women to be inferior to him. If he is comfortable referring to women (any woman, for any reason, even exes) using mysoginistic language, if he feels entitled to comment negatively on how women behave or dress...

Had a drink with ex recently after event with DC - he was already well lubricated. We were discussing a mutual acquiantance who I find ‘difficult’. He started ranting about a time she had annoyed him and ended up saying ‘she’s a fat, ugly bitch and I wouldn’t fuck her’..I was totally It was just very revealing that this woman had pissed him off (publically disagreeing with him) and that was how he responded. Look for the misogyny - it will seep out.

Sweet relief

I'm such an idiot. How did I get in this fucking mess.

You really aren’t. You are strong and brave and you found your way out - you fucking left him! I think you’re fantastic and I love you

I'm not strong or brave, although it's lovely of you to say, as really, he left me

How pathetic is that?

Queenofthedr

my exh would be a complete arsehole then buy gifts. In a strange way there was at least some acknowledgment of fault there

If only - that’s what we want to think and it keeps us in the game. In reality it’s a ‘shut the litttle woman up’ move. We are the unreasonable ones because they’ve apologised.

Sweetrelief

Well you are stronger and braver without him. Not pathetic, just learning, like we all do, each day at a time.

Thank you thrice
I needed to hear that.

I'm so disappointed in myself that I've become so involved with him. It's going to take everything I've got to ignore the messages I'm already getting saying he still cares. Why do I still love him? I can't forget all the cruel things he's said

SWeetRelief - they condition us to accept the shit that's the problem. I'm autistic so I'm a bit of a sitting duck tbh.

An ex of mine did the love bombing.
I was perfect, he’d wanted to marry me etc. As soon as I conceded he went cold, texting then ingnoring me. If I ignored him I was ‘torturing hkm’ If I pulled him up on the way he was treating me then I was ‘needy’. Very confusing. Thankfully a very short lived relationship which shamefully, was ended by him and subsequently followed me begging him to give us another chance. Wish I could go and shake some sense into my younger self I still get angry thinking about how he made me feel and how I acted during that time.