Share your ‘red flags’ for the good of womankind updated

[Electrascoffee]

Please can we have another thread about this. I need to be constantly reminded. I’ve just had another nightmare relationship and the things I can take from it:

He was pretty isolated. He had only one friend who he also managed to piss off frequently. His family didn’t see him or even know he was moving House even though they lived in the same town. His daughter won’t speak to or see him.

When he’s happy everything is sweetness and light. If he’s having trouble at work, or is ill it’s somehow my fault. Using others as an emotional dumping ground for his shit is somehow normal according to him (he says this)

Emotionally manipulative. Dumped me in a crowded restaurant and then decided he’d made a terrible mistale.

Criticised my clothes. Said he didn’t like my perfume.

Made grandiose claims about himself.

Kept telling me sob stories about how he always got the blame for things by his ex wife and how he was only ever trying to get on with everyone. All his exes had BPD or NPD and all he wants is a quiet life.

Making me feel bad if I didn’t orgasm and then if I gave him guidance I was making him feel shit in bed.

@MistressDeeCee oh god, you've just highlighted something else my ex did. At first I was the total opposite to his ex and then when I started to try and resolve any issues we were having or retreated into myself as I was hurt and needed some quiet time to process my thoughts he told me i was just like her and "everything was falling apart." Code for don't rock the boat or I'll think you're just like her. He would sulk if I was upset with him over anything. He referred to her as "a dick" and to be honest on some things she was but I soon started to wonder if she actually had a point on some things.

Jesus this is all frighteningly familiar.
I was told I was turning into his ex.

Told I was marriage material
Then that I needed therapy

Went through my phone in minute detail
Picked apart any interaction I had with any men from way before we met

He's literally just been to collect the rest of his things. My heart feels like it's gonna burst out of my chest

sweetrelief
Why do I still love him? I can't forget all the cruel things he's said

Give it time my love. Imagine you are recovering from a car crash. You would be confused and in pain. Think of the pain (why do I still love him, why does it hurt) as recovery. It will pass. You will get stronger each day and love him less (not that it’s really love). Talk to friends and family and get support. You are the focus not him.

• incredibly jealous of my company with other men to the point he would attack or threaten to attack them.

• if he starts to cry when you point out a bad behaviour of his. This is emotional manipulation.

• Trying to force physical defection on you when you're upset with him.

• blatantly lying about a situation you are in or putting his spin on it "Yes I did shout at Andy, but he was slagging you off behind your back" when it's fairly certain Andy was not.

• When they are angry you instantly shut up. Whether due to fear of violence, shouting or moodiness the air gets sucked out of the room.

• When does something very wrong claims they won't do it again if you'll do something. Ex: If you sleep with me more I won't kick off, if you spend less time with your friends I'll be happier. So the onus is on you to change his behaviour.

• Doesn't listen to no.

• Tells you your close friends are a bad influence or that they don't really like you.

• Has amoebic fascination with violence and not in the loving CSI way. Has a love for guns, loves watching war films, openly hawks at accidents etc.

• Has previous on sexual harassment/ assault.

• Uses misogyny and sexist words openly and not in a jokey way. "She's a fucking whore"."I hate cunts who think they deserve more than they have" etc.

• Uses previous mental health as a weapon or reason I.e I need you to stay in with me as I'm always anxious when you're away, you know I get depressed if you hang with your friends etc.

• If you say you'll leave him he threatens violence on himself or you.

This was the same partner.

Trust your gut when at the start it doesn't feel right. You don't need a reason to stop a relationship with someone other than you no longer want to be in it.

Niggling doubts can be wrong but even if they are, why continue if you have them?

Stay safe.

I wish I’d read this post last year, before finding myself involved with quite possibly, two of the prettiest yet craziest bastards to walk the earths surface. Having just come out of a long and serious relationship, new to the dating scene I completely missed the following (twice)

• love bombing. The first converted religion shortly after meeting me and wanted to ‘marry me before the week was out’. The second asked me to be his gf two weeks after meeting me. Showered me with love and gifts and told me often, how perfect I was.

• The crazy exes. They all have several. The common denominator in all these fucked up relationships pal, is you

• falling out with close family members. ‘I haven’t spoken to my brother for 6 years, he’s jealous of me’. Step mum telling me she had been begged by his mother to get him to talk to her. As he’d ignored her for weeks for no real reason.

• family members/ anyone close telling you he’s hard work or wishing you luck

• stonewalling / ignoring you as punishment. ‘Bringing it to your attention that ‘silent treatment hurts the most, I’m pretty good at it’.

• being a completely different person in front of new people - everyone loved him and told me how much of a lovely person he was. Only for him to be the complete opposite with me, when we were alone

• telling you about how an ex had him arrested for assault and managing to convince you it wasn’t his fault, he’d ‘never touched her and she’d caused the marks herself’.....

• ranting often over trivial things that others had done in his presence but not necessarily to him. Called me one day ranting and raving about how his step mum done too much for his younger brother - actually furious. Took me 10 minutes to calm him down.

Blowing up over silly things, all the time which would cause me to constantly feel as though I was treading on eggshells. An example being him losing his head because he’d planned to cook dinner for the two of us but as he was staying at his parents they expected him to cook for the family. ‘They want x but you don’t eat it’ me ‘that’s fine babe, I’ll try it’ him ‘you will not!!!’ Proceed to blast me for being difficult.

• throwing toys out the pram for making the wrong decisions and then expecting you to help them resolve the issue.

• not standing by their responsibilities and acting appallingly towards an ex.

• telling you after you’ve split up that conversations that were had and you have proof of, didn’t happen.

I really could go on..... the latest really did pull all the stops out!

Thrice you are an angel.
I've only told one friend because I'm so embarrassed.
98% of the time he was lovely and I've never felt so wanted and adored. I know I'm not easy to live with sometimes but when we argued it just used to get too much. You don't say those things to someone you're supposed to love do you? No matter how cross you are?
I laughed at something he said earlier because it was so ridiculous, he responded that "you had better stop laughing, I'm warning you" I saw red and thought you're not gonna intimidate me in my own house so I said "or what?" he kept saying he was warning me over and over then refused to let me pass to leave the house. I had to use the back door where he then proceeded to scream than I was a cunt in front of my neighbours. I'm so ashamed. It's not normal is it? I don't know what to think

My narc exH:

negged me the morning after we slept together for the first time (he did not like my hands apparently) - this turned into a habit an he was increasingly contemptuous about it

utterly incapable of empathy and everything had to be about him

desperate need to be admired and the centre of attention

hated my friends and family and slagged them off until he had isolated me

criticised me for being dull and too fat every time we went out - "I was ashamed of you" etc

smashed things up in a temper (always mine), punched the wall next to me, bumped me out of the way - eventually of course this escalated into kicks and punches.

Everyone else was an incompetent fool, he was a creative genius.

No patience, tolerance or kindness even when I had pneumonia and a couple of operations. he is just incapable of it.

Fucking lazy - I did everything for him and 3 DC whilst working a 60 hour week.He never once got up with a child or came home if any of them were ill.

Loved to torment people verbally (me especially) and would rant on and on at me for hours until I was hysterical.

Cheated multiple times and drew our mutual friends into keeping his secrets (they are not my friends now!)

I could go on, but I won't. Reader I was stupid enough not only to marry him but to stay with him for thirty years. He is definitely no loss, but I am still furious with myself for wasting all those years with him.

My family say I'm hard work and wish men good luck with me. I'm NC with most of them as I finally saw them as being toxic and had been since I was a child. I don't have many friends really. Not close ones. I don't trust people. That's why I hang out on here as no one knows who I am and I don't have to behave a certain way to be accepted. Every time I read about it being a red flag for men to be NC with their families or not have many friends I start thinking maybe it's me that's the problem. After all it's me that's the common denominator in these failed relationships. I've recently discovered I'm probably autistic and have ADD which probably explains a great deal but things like this reinforce all the times I've been told by abusive people that I'm the problem and it's my fault. It makes me permanently wrong footed and confused.

Oh yes and my ex hated his mother.
The way he spoke to her was just not good. Get me this or that. Called her bitch etc.

citrus when he went on rants, made you hysterical would he then calm down and belittle you "is there any need for you to be so hystercal"? I couldn't speak to mine as he would stone wall for months so I'd write a note, that got ignored, then id text him that we need to talk, the reply was "ffs grow up, i dont conduct myself through text messages"... he'd sigh every time I would enter a room, then fake laugh at tv programmes that weren't funny, just to prove a point I was non exsistant.. write on my Facebook wall how fabulous I was for the world to see but wouldn't actually be speaking, he'd make me a meal but throw it in the bin before I could even eat it as he said I hated his cooking.. twat from twatsville

I’ve thought of another which sounds small but took me a long time to understand- that feeling of not knowing what each day will bring. What will they be like today? Will they ignore you or be in touch hourly? Will they be affectionate or aloof?

I wish I’d figured this out earlier rather than living with low-level anxiety about the situation for quite some time. We deserve consistent behaviour, we do

sweetrelief

No - not normal - not right. And I’m no angel - just someone half watching LOTR on tv, drinking wine and MNetting because I’ve put up with crap before and would rather other women put up with less of it.

The thing I got from your post is that you stood up to him - your post is really positive. You said - no - not here, not in my house. It shows you have self-worth and you have values - you were strong.

Of course he is charming, loving,98% of the time. You wouldn’t be with someone who was.a total dick - he knows that. It’s an act. If you married him (had debts or children with him) it would different and he would probably only be charming, loving 50 % or 30% of the time or not at all - whatever he thought he could get away with.

Don’t punish yourself for wanting to be loved / feel special. It’s what everybody wants. But congratulate yourself for learning about people who fake it. It’s hard learnt - but you’ve learnt it none the less.

Might seem like a weird one, but people pleasers, avoiding any conflict at all. I think it's a bad sign if you can't talk through any disagreements as resentments build up.

I think that’s true Sausage. People pleasers will often put your needs behind other people’s needs further down the line when they take you for granted as well

@ThriceThriceThice yes I know and it stops them having to own their behaviour BUT exp was so much worse I suppose I see it differently

@OnePotPlant reminds me of exh. He would tick me off about my perceived behaviour to strangers - 'you let a door go/you were rude to the waitress/you gave x a dirt look' all things I could only respond with 'I didn't mean to!' I used up joke that I could be in a terrible accident and exh would tell me off because I didn't say please to the paramedic. This still makes me feel batshit

Thank j you so much everyone, I really needed this. I might laminate some as affirmations!

Did any of you find that your narc kept paying all the time and wouldn't let you ever pay? Another narc I was with did this as well. I wonder if it's part of the manipulation arsenal?

electrascoffee yes - at first I put it down to him earning ridiculous amounts of money and just wanting to treat me but then, he started bitching about his ex gf being a gold-digging bitch who’d refuse to pay for anything. I remember one day waiting for him to go to the toilet when we were out and paying the bill myself - he was furious!

@electracoffee I think they do pay for everything in the love bomb phase, it enhances the 'I'm perfection'! I was on par with exh wage wise, when we got a joint account he'd cast up he was paying for everything and I didnt, as if ALL my wages contribution didn't exist. They seem to think if they punch in the pin number that's them paying.

I think they like to pay and play the generous romance until you feel great guilt at him always paying so then they start "letting" you pay for things until you end up paying for most things and they are staying regularly at yours and eating your food/using your hot water up/helping themselves to the WiFi etc.
I'll never forget my ex sitting there and saying "what's your WiFi password?" after our third date. He didn't even say please. No one has ever asked for it before and I've never asked anyone for theirs so I asked why he needed it. Because he didn't want to use up his own data allowance! He only paid £10 a month for his mobile and got charged for sending photos so he'd insist on using messenger to communicate. He'd even phone me from messenger rather than his phone itself. Or he'd use his work phone. He rarely called though and I view that as a red flag now. Happy to message half the day but never wants to talk on the phone as doesn't want to use his minutes.

He told me early on he was boring but I think this was how his ex had described him so as he'd described her as a dick I wrongly assumed that she'd just been unkind. Fuck me was he dull. No conversation, no interests except cycling and cricket (yawn) but didn't actually engage in either, just watched on the tv. He was happy to do whatever I organised but was incapable of thinking up anything himself which got old very quickly. I suppose that all boils down to be cheap and lazy

Argh, all these stories and my own make me want to run away and live in a log cabin alone. :D

Three phases to a relationship with a narc...

Love Bomb...

Devalue...

Discard...

Male or female the trick is to beat them to the punchline, they REALLY don't like it!!!

Lack of empathy/compassion when poorly.
Wanting to spend more time on the iPad/computer games than with me and making me feel bad for asking for attention.
Minimising any hurt/upset feelings.
Telling me and others that I’m “psycho” or “insane”
Never letting me cry.
Never saying sorry.

Yes they want the ending to be on their terms. If I ended it with mine he'd send in response a message which didn't even acknowledge what I'd said. Eg,

'Dear Mr Twat, I've had enough of your mind games and shitty behaviour. Accusing me of cheating and giving you a STI you never had is the end. Do not contact me again, ever'

'Dear Electra, I'm so sorry you feel that way. As you know, I need time and space to sort my head out but I'm fully aware that you deserve to be happy and I don't want to hurt you. If we are meant to be together it will happen in the end. In the meantime it would be nice if we could remain friends'

So he completely ignores the shitty behaviour. He's such a wanker.