Share your ‘red flags’ for the good of womankind updated

[Electrascoffee]

Please can we have another thread about this. I need to be constantly reminded. I’ve just had another nightmare relationship and the things I can take from it:

He was pretty isolated. He had only one friend who he also managed to piss off frequently. His family didn’t see him or even know he was moving House even though they lived in the same town. His daughter won’t speak to or see him.

When he’s happy everything is sweetness and light. If he’s having trouble at work, or is ill it’s somehow my fault. Using others as an emotional dumping ground for his shit is somehow normal according to him (he says this)

Emotionally manipulative. Dumped me in a crowded restaurant and then decided he’d made a terrible mistale.

Criticised my clothes. Said he didn’t like my perfume.

Made grandiose claims about himself.

Kept telling me sob stories about how he always got the blame for things by his ex wife and how he was only ever trying to get on with everyone. All his exes had BPD or NPD and all he wants is a quiet life.

Making me feel bad if I didn’t orgasm and then if I gave him guidance I was making him feel shit in bed.

Agree with the perfect comment too!

Really want this thread to balloon

Also from another thread which happened to me - exh objecting strongly to me wearing pyjamas to sleep. Before I met him it was a physical comfort thing but as time went on it became because I didn't trust him to not try and touch me when I was asleep. I will never sleep naked ever again - not that I especially want to but that's a dealbreaker right there and I should have got shot of exh then and there. Never again.

Also from another thread constant pestering about sex is a huge red flag too. Exh was good as good through pg and for about 6 months after dd1 was born then the switch flipped - every time I got a bit of respite to have a shower he was there pestering and it drove me nuts.

And a whole point on its own - ranting at you for the crimes of anyone else. Exh it was road rage he would rant at me in the car as if it was me that cut him up. He still tries to do it now though he lives with another woman and has another child - texting me that he's 'fuming' that he's been dropped from a job and therefore can look after the dds for a week. Er.....not my issue? I'm employed and solvent thanks!

@OnePotPlant on the one hand the desire is reasonable but not being able to sustain the relationship is 100% a giant red banner!!!!

Gut instinct is my red flag.

What gets to me about my relationship with my abusive, narcissistic ex and father to my DC is that on the day I met him my gut instinct was that there was something wrong about him. Despite this I ignored my concerns and allowed myself to be reeled in. I then went through the classic behaviour of making excuses for him, thinking he would change, then being too scared to leave, before I finally made the break.

There have been a couple of other people in my life where I've ignored my gut instinct and paid the price. I'm very cautious now.

Yy to the PJs thing. My ex hated me wearing them. He also used to grope my breasts in public and sulked when I objected because he "just found me really attractive and was showing affection." Fuck off, groping is not affection, it's assault.

This has reminded me of an ex. He would constantly text or email me if we weren't seeing each other. He'd moan if I didn't reply straight away too! Once I was in the garden hanging out my washing and he had a go at me because he had to wait 15 minutes!!

He also 'borrowed' money which I never saw again.

Having a massive go at me and listing everything that was apparently wrong with me but as soon as I stood up for myself and said it's over as I'm such a bad person, he was begging me to change my mind! It took months to finally shake him off!

What a great thread.

How about never being wrong about anything ever
Or never apologising
No compassion/ empathy or sympathy- 5 days post c-section I fell over I sat on the floor in pain and he stepped over me didn’t help me up didn’t ask if I was ok .
Another time my daughter then 8 mo choked when I was alone with her - she was ok luckily I knew what to do but when I told him he shrugged and said ‘she’s alright now’
Nothing ever being their fault or responsibility - have decided that in future any man who says ‘I didn’t do it on purpose!’ Will be long gone
it’s a poor excuse
Groping - just yuk
Being mean to animals
Big yes to how they treat serving staff

Often (weirdly) an early red flag can be them actually TELLING you straight out what the problems will be later - on the first or second date, he might say something as basic as "I get really jealous" or "I have trust issues" or "I tend to fall out with bosses" or "I lose my temper easily", or something else, said very casually, with a laugh, that makes it sound like self depricating humour. At the time you ignore it, and only looking back do you realise they were being 100% accurate.

So if someone makes a joke about how unreliable they are, or that they're not really a proper grown up, or how they find it hard to make friends, etc, listen, because they are probably telling you straight out how it's going to be.

If you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, he proposes that abusive behaviour is driven by a sense of entitlement. His reasoning is compelling.
Now it's pretty much impossible for a man to grow up in such a patriarchal society as we have without feeling entitled, at the very minimum to be "king of his own castle". On that basis, every single man has the potential to be abusive in his intimate relationships and my gut instinct is that most are, it's just the intensity and frequency that varies.

The biggest red flags are probably any noticable indications that he considers women to be inferior to him. If he is comfortable referring to women (any woman, for any reason, even exes) using mysoginistic language, if he feels entitled to comment negatively on how women behave or dress, if he expects his opinions and his needs to be more important than yours simply because he's male and your female then run a fucking mile. What he is prepared to reveal of himself to you is just the stuff he thinks is fit for public release - if that's dodgy then the stuff he's chosing to hide must be really fucking dark.

With soon to be ex the first few dates were great. Saw a great show chosen by him. Went to a fabulous restaurant that I had always wanted to go to. Went out to a lovely lunch and then went shopping together. Joined his friends and family for some birthday dinners which were fun. No pressure to take it to the next level as he just seemed to enjoy my company and enjoy sharing experiences. All well and good.

After maybe three or four weeks, he invited me to his family's house to meet and then play tennis at a club he was a member of nearby. I walked into the kitchen of his family's house at a perfectly respectable time on Sunday morning (around 11am I think) and his father was sitting there. He saw me come into the room and made no attempt to get up and say hello. I thought it was odd. I don't remember there being a proper introduction either. His father looked strangely irritated which was odd as he must have realized that his son had met someone he liked. And, even though I say it myself, I was quite a catch, in my own way!

With the benefit of hindsight, this was the first MAJOR red flag. His father was a raging narcissist. Had to be the centre of attention. Disliked anyone else being the centre of attention and couldn't really 'enjoy' anyone else's pleasure and achievements, including his own children's. (My father is exactly the same.)

While we had an enjoyable courtship - doing lots of travelling (instigated by me) we never really got to know each other properly and it was all quite a whirlwind.

Fast forward a year or so and we got married as both keen to start a family. Maybe not the best reason to get married but not the worst either. Within a few days of getting married I realized how our expectations were out of kilter. While both our fathers were raging narcissists (I only realized that years later) his father had expected his wife to be a dog's body and wait on him hand and foot. He HATED spending money on anything but himself and everything was always about his ego and looking good.

While my father was similar in some ways and hugely misogynistic, he was more than happy to pay for help around the house (there were five children) and to pay for extras that would enrich our education.

Soon to be ex grudgingly agreed to an au-pair (I paid) as I went back to work part-time and it was the cheapest child-care option. Very early on, I noticed how I was marginalized by him and how his father's lack of social etiquette, manners and thoughtlessness was being mirrored by his son.

When we went to parties (usually my friends) soon to be ex would be all over the women there (he loves female attention) while pretty much ignoring me. He would often stand with his back to me while talking in a group, making no attempt to draw me in or make me feel comfortable.

I remember going to a friend's wedding while breastfeeding our first born. While I sat in the cloakroom breastfeeding, soon to be ex swanned around with my friends (usually mine - he didn't have that many) and didn't even bother to bring me a drink. This was typical of how he behaved in company. I think I was expected to be seen and not heard.

While our children were young he was keen to get his career furthered - nothing wrong with that of course - and would sometimes ask prospective clients to the house. He would expect me to vacate the house - even on a Sunday - with two young children in tow. I should have told him where to go but I didn't know any better and you feel incredibly vulnerable with two young children. I just thought I had to do what was best to help him advance his career.

In short, he never really considered my feelings. While he paid lip service to being a good husband (presents, champagne when necessary) it was quite superficial. I also noticed that he never really opened up to me and shared any personal stuff. I found this frustrating and also it meant I didn't feel close to him. He has never changed in this respect. I often think he opens up more with other people and is more relaxed around them. Were we both trying too hard to 'make it work' when we both, deep down, knew we weren't really that compatible? If I am brutally honest I never really fancied him that much which is ironic as everyone else seemed to! I thought attraction would grow which was naive of me.

Bottom line - watch a person' behaviour. How do they act around people they don't need to impress? Meet his family. What are his parents like? How does he talk about other people, particularly any ex partners? Does he consider other people's needs and feelings when appropriate?

If your gut feeling is telling you something is wrong, then listen. I remember quite early on soon to be ex making a few disparaging comments about other women. I remember thinking: 'that's not on'. Why did he think it was okay to be overtly flirtatious with other women around me? That is showing a lack of appropriate boundaries and is also disrespectful.

Watch out for their boundaries. If they disrespect other people's they will disrespect yours. If you are sad or upset are they able to 'feel it'? Soon to be ex never did. On one or two occasions I saw him break down but it wasn't to do me usually. When I tried to talk to him about my feelings towards him he would just get angry usually. Which says it all really.

I remember early on soon to be ex getting angry with me because he complained I wasn't passionate (about him). I should have walked away at that point. It wasn't my fault how I felt. He could have been sad, or disappointed but angry - not an appropriate response. That should have been a deal-breaker but I stupidly felt 'guilty' because I was worried about hurting him. In all honesty, he was probably angry with himself because he realized he had fallen for someone who wasn't as into him as he wanted. I should have been more honest but he could also have accepted the situation and moved on. You're either feeling it or not and you can't 'make' it happen, unfortunately.

Never, ever, ignore those gut instincts. I should have walked after I met soon to be ex's parents. Of course he can't help who his parents are but he showed no insight at all into his family dynamics and still doesn't. He doesn't do 'self-reflection' - that is a big red flag. If someone can't learn, change and grow then are they a person you want to grow old with? (I would also suggest you check out a person's school background - when I looked into soon to be ex's - eeeeekkk!!)

I think the part when you say 'he never considered my feelings' really is the crux of it. A good relationship involves being with someone who truly cares about your own feelings (and you theirs of course).

When I was a kid and I used to go to church with my mother (I don't go anymore), I'll never forget a priest once saying, 'love is when you truly care about the wellbeing of the other person, not for any self-serving reason but just because you truly want the best for them.' I remember thinking 'duh!' at the time. If only I knew then just how profound what he was preaching was!

@Isitovernow my dad used to say that being in love was caring more about the other persons happiness than your own. My dad was a lunatic but it's the same sentiment.

Yes yes to the love bombing.
He loved me within a couple of weeks saying that he'd loved me from school (when it turns out latterly as he loves to tell people he didn't even know who I was)
Moved in at 6 months promising the world and yes of course I can have another baby which I desperately wanted. Then I realised that he was a binge drinker but with the constant shouting for the smallest thing, even if it wasn't my fault, just aggressive shouting, left me cowed and unable to say anything.
Drinking spirits causes violence which got a little worse every single time but not to the point of any marks, more of a grab of the throat, when I go to bed to get away, coming in and pulling the quilt off calling me names.
Some I recorded using the voice recorder on my phone but when he was sober and sorry he couldn't listen to it as he was so upset he'd done it.
Waiting for my mum to die, got her home from the hospice on the Friday to her own house, my dad, understandably, was useless at this time and I didn't leave my mums side, I begged him to be there for me, he went out drinking and got home on the Sunday. I ignored him on he Monday and my mum died on the Tuesday.
If I am not home and he's been drinking he previously contacted prostitutes, but he never acted on it so that's ok.
Going out with pals and this is a common one, on a Friday (last Friday) when I text at 6 the next morning are you ok the response wa"you can suck my root". He's 46!
Saying he's sorry about last weekend, I haven't spoken to him since then (for the first time there is a consequence to his behaviour albeit a small one) so as I type this in the car park of a McDonald's, crying at all the posts for all these women who have had a terrible time, I realise in ten minutes I go home, back to that

Shows no interest in your "happenings" whether it is illness, pain, accident, achievement, birthday, basically if its good or bad - makes no difference he will play it down as its you and not him, he won't want you to have any fuss or limelight. That is all his!

• Not apologising because "he didn't mean to do it"/"he couldn't help it"
• Habitually lying to other people - he'll lie to you too
• Chameleon - e.g. when he is with friends and they dislike something, suddenly he dislikes it too, even though normally the two of you enjoy it
• Gets you to do something (anything, even little things) you feel uncomfortable about, but you do it as he makes you feel stupid otherwise
• Silent criticism: doesn't say anything but it's clear he doesn't approve. If you suggest he doesn't approve you are being unreasonable, as he didn't say anything.

@OutPinked wow you've just made me remember I had the exact same thing! Bragged about how every one of his ex girlfriends had abortions and smiling to himself in wonder as he marvelled about his "super fertile sperm"

How do they treat other people? Watch carefully. If they have busy ups or misunderstandings with all in sundry then avoid.
Are they sendentary?
Lazy?
Don’t help out? Would let change a nappy. Cringe over women’s problems/periods/breastfeeding.
Have pointless expense spectator ‘hobbies’ which take up all weekend?
Porn habit?
Internet conspiracy politics?
Avoid avoid avoid.

Excellent idea for a thread. I’ve been fairly lucky in my relationships but steer clear of these:
Uses the words “I” and “my” more than “we”, “our”, etc. eg if we were going on holiday together he’d tell people “I’m going on holiday” even if I was there. In good relationships everything is about what’s best for the team as a whole.

Flirting with other women in front of you

Never wanting to do/watch/eat what you want, always has to be his choice and sulks if he doesn’t get it. If this has anything to do with sex, Run run run away. Sex is for two people to enjoy, so if one person doesn’t want it, neither should the other

Also:

Love bombing.

No friends ever.

Would claim to be friend with people who had vaguely crossed paths with him and didn't know him.

All ex's without fail were "bitches".

Only ever dated women who had somewhere for him to quickly move into (without contributing).

Boasted to my dad on the first meet about all his ex girlfriends.

Boasted to my dad on the first meet about how he was often Fired.

Was always fired because people "were jealous" of him.

Pointing out all my flaws as a joke.

Told me if I had his ex girlfriends body I would be more successful.

Telling outright lies about his achievements/ abilities and then telling more lies and exploding if you dared question the inconsistencies.

Strangers always wanted to ruin his life and get him in trouble.

Would complain, sulk and compare me sexually.

Telling me I needed 3 things to make it in life and unfortunately I didn't have any of them.

Bringing up to strangers something I'm embarrassed and uncomfortable about and smiling at me saying "Go on, tell them all about it"

Multiple jobs going at a place. Before walking in to the interview he made a huge fuss about how my outfit was inappropriate and I better apologise for it when I got in there. It wasn't in any way. I got the job, he didn't. He was seething & said I only got the job because I was a slag. When I pointed out it was a straight female making the decision he still insisted they only wanted slags.

After we broke up would still call and quiz me on my weight and how much I was paid then gasp in horror / say he didn't believe me.

These are all off the top of my head!

Also I think another thing to look out for is the person who goes around proclaiming what a people person he is, how much he cares about other people. But he never gives a penny to charity and moans about immigrants 'taking advantage'

My ex made my hospital admission for a severe infection all about him. I thought he was amazing for being so considerate and attentive and staying with me all night as my stbexh was a total shit and wouldn't have done that at all. But afterwards I realised how he'd gone on about how tired he was, how stressed he was, how he'd hit a wall and couldn't cope because he was so worried about me yet thought that in my drug induced haze I'd want to know about his latest ex-wife and contact with the kids issues. When I got a repeat infection a few weeks later he told me he couldn't cope with me ending up in hospital again It was all about him.

Anyone who describes himself as 'old fashioned'. It means they're a sexist.

Telling you they are a genuine nice guy. And will do anything for anyone. Translates as I want all the glory and attention for being a nice guy rather than actually being altruistic.

Any inking at all of lying. About anything especially seemingly inconsequential things. There are still a few things about my exp o never got to the bottom of - what became of his old van and why he couldn't phone the estate agent to arrange handing in his keys. The second one he kept bs me about not liking talking on the phone. I ended up saying fgs if you've shaheed the estate agent I'm really not bothered!!! Nope wasn't that and still wouldn't tell me.

If they lie about anything they will be lying about big things guaranteed.