Share your ‘red flags’ for the good of womankind updated

[Electrascoffee]

Please can we have another thread about this. I need to be constantly reminded. I’ve just had another nightmare relationship and the things I can take from it:

He was pretty isolated. He had only one friend who he also managed to piss off frequently. His family didn’t see him or even know he was moving House even though they lived in the same town. His daughter won’t speak to or see him.

When he’s happy everything is sweetness and light. If he’s having trouble at work, or is ill it’s somehow my fault. Using others as an emotional dumping ground for his shit is somehow normal according to him (he says this)

Emotionally manipulative. Dumped me in a crowded restaurant and then decided he’d made a terrible mistale.

Criticised my clothes. Said he didn’t like my perfume.

Made grandiose claims about himself.

Kept telling me sob stories about how he always got the blame for things by his ex wife and how he was only ever trying to get on with everyone. All his exes had BPD or NPD and all he wants is a quiet life.

Making me feel bad if I didn’t orgasm and then if I gave him guidance I was making him feel shit in bed.

In my experience abusive men come across as so bloody reasonable about the red flags and cause you to dismiss them because they are such a nice guy and of course this is just gaslighting but it takes time and experience unfortunately to be able to spot it early on. I'm still discovering things my stbexh did nearly 6 years after separating. Little lightbulbs go off every now and again.

ChristmasFluff is spot on. You have to trust yourself and love/like yourself enough to see your value and know what is acceptable and what isn't and enforce those. That is how you draw your own boundaries. Without those things in place, it is much harder to spot the red flags, which are essentially things that are not acceptable to you for very legitimate reasons.

Red flags..
After coming out of a long term relationship and falling directly into another, I didn't even know what these were..
Loads of projection about who you are without getting to really know you.
Hypersexual behaviour.
Promising and planning for a future (that never materialises)
Lies (Not white ones such as "Yeah that t-shirt looks great") basically any lies.
Blowing hot and cold (massive, building sized red flag with stars on)
Silent treatment.
Lack of respect.
I'd say the main one is 'trusting your gut'. If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

(From a bloke)

If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not right.

If you get a warning feeling, just back off and take a break to think about it. This won’t put a genuine man off you, actually the opposite.

I really struggle with boundaries as feel like a bitch if I enforce them.

The other think wot I learned in detoxifying my life post abusive twat/family was this:

"Just because something is unacceptable to you, doesn't mean it's abusive"

It's OK to find something unacceptable. It's OK to say, "No, that's not how I do things, or what I find works for me"

PerverseConverse You state your boundaries and then just remind people that X or Y is not going to work for you. It's not that you are being a bitch, and saying No is always going to upset those who like to get their own way all the time, but YOU have the right to have things go YOUR way sometimes too. If all else fails, if someone is not listening to your polite and reasonable boundaries, then THEY are rude and if you have to be a little more robust in policing your boundaries, that's STILL not being a bitch.

silent treatment
blowing hot and cold
lying for the sake of it
punishment/retribution

I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but any of these and it goes like this:

Tell them once and once only that it's unacceptable.

They do it again - IMMEDIATE STRAIGHT RED CARD

No matter what. Whatever they say/do, tears/threats, do not budge.

Don't EVER go back on this.

I learned this the VERY hard way.

Again, agree with Hissy.

I have a friend who has really struggled with boundaries with the result that they have been hugely taken advantage of finanically and emotionally.

I have helped them to understand that they are allowed to have boundaries and that this is just what is acceptable to them in their life.

A couple of people habe responded really well to their new boundaries and one even told them it was about time they stopped saying yes to everyone!

They have also lost a couple of people but understand they they weren't reallly friends.

I always think of it in terms of the way we teach 'stranger danger' to children. Someone who is a good and decent person will completely understand, accept and respect your "no". It's only those whose plans to take advantage are thwarted who will complain.

And also, once someone has shown they don't respect your boundaries, you have no obligation to be 'nice' or polite in restating them.

Turning up univited
Not giving me enough space for ME time
Got arsey when I couldn't see him at the weekend because I had other plans
Told me what I was thinking!
Too much too soon
Needy
Clingy
3 months it lasted - 3 months. It ended in April and he's still trying. I've now blocked him on everything.

In all relationships I’ve found it a game-changer to think “does this make me feel more like myself, not less?” at regular intervals, and also “does this relationship make me feel happy, comfortable, loved, proud of myself, confident, listened to and validated way more often than it makes me feel tired, anxious or not understood?”

Oh that’s excellent verbana

I really struggle with boundaries as feel like a bitch if I enforce them.

You are their favourite.

I can be like this too but learnt the hard way, it's just not worth being too nice

I think one thing to remember as well is it’s very individual, have seen stuff here described as abusive that I personally would think was annoying but to me not abusive. To one person what is a red flag is another’s ‘ooh that’s nice’. Be it guys who want to be around you ‘all the time’ to ‘overly sexual’ . Personally both of these would annoy me, but wouldn’t some ladies on here.

Pointing out that the average UK couple has sex for 19 minutes (or something) and that I should be grateful. (Yes he googled it!) And always blurting "sorry" when he orgasmed.

Calling me a psycho bitch whenever I got upset.

Telling me my standards were impossibly high.

Telling me to shut up when I woke up screaming and crying with a nightmare.

Telling me if I ever leaved him I'd lose the children and be homeless. (I owned 2 businesses)

Taking out credit cards and loans in my name because it was "good for my credit rating"

Taking my daughter off me when I was trying to nurse her while crying from being shouted at and saying if I didn't get my milk flowing, he would give her formula. (She was exclusively bf)

Never knowing what was going on with my finances or how much money I had. He would just tell me "we are skint".

Telling me men don't want children, men are only ever coerced into it and if I left him, I would be a single mother forever.

Telling me I need to lose weight and get back to how I used to be before having kids.

Telling me I need to support him more because he has mh issues and that's why he gets angry.

Holding me against the wall by my throat.

Throwing me down the stairs.

Took my mobile hairdresser to notice the way he spoke to me and tell me, to actually realise I was being abused. Took 15 months to actually leave because I believed I would be homeless, bankrupt and lose the children, but things got so bad that I decided that was infinitely preferable to being with him for one more minute.

I was homeless for 2 weeks, did a debt relief order and 5 years later, met the love of my life who I've been with for 4 years.

Ah yes false promises!

Then being told that promises are for children... I was flabbergasted at that one.

If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not right.

This as well. Remember my dad finding me in tears over not knowing what to do about a high-drama boyfriend in my teens and saying “notice how you’re feeling now. That’s your answer. Be brave and walk away.” (I am very lucky to have grown up with parents who think like this, and have a loving and respectful marriage. It’s absolutely an unfair advantage.)

When talking to his mother on the phone, saying 'byee' in exactly the same affectionate tone that he did with me. At first it was just a bit odd but over the years it became clear that her hold over him and his acceptance of it was monumental and she treated him like a boyfriend, not a son. Up to the point of enabling his alcoholism by being the first one to suggest a large glass of wine every evening, followed by another and another and them both hanging onto each other's every word.

Crikey Angels, now those are def red flags to me!!!

IKR! I can't believe that was all normal to me for so long. I thought he was exactly what I deserved, at the time.

I am in a very loving relationship now. He is kind and gentle. The contrast is so stark...

First red flag, told me he loved me after only two weeks. I did call him on it! You cannot possible love me you don't even know me....I should have binned him then! He was unshakable.

Second red flag was hearing that he didn't speak to several close members of his family, daughter, sister, mother, brother in law and uncle.

Third red flag was bragging about something he did which terrified his ex wife when she was his teenage girlfriend. (He later tried the same stunt on me.)

Fourth red flag he would never give me his full attention e.g. if I was talking he would be scrolling on his phone, because he could multi task so it was OK! This was just one way of showing me that I wasn't worth his full attention!!!

I've been reminded of a few that were true of my ex by recent threads on here. Wish mn was around and I'd known about it back then.

Lack of long term deep friendships. He didn't think this was important.

Lack of apologies - even for minor things would NEVER admit he was wrong, even when provided with black and white proof.

Sulker - could easily go days without talking to me.

I was his first proper girlfriend, we were very young when we met so I put it down to that but in hindsight even at 19 it's unusual to have only had flings/ons. Meant he was pretty crap in bed too!

Lack of ambition, clock watcher re work - seems an odd one but basically meant he was lazy and entitled. Others getting promoted before him he saw as favouritism rather than down to his lack of effort (and he bitched about this a lot!)

Yes! To lack of decision making too. Sometimes is ok but if they NEVER make decisions I've found they do expect others to bear the mental load (not just dds dad this one). In addition somehow being expected to be a mind reader and know what they wanted to do/eat/go to.

This one I may get flamed for as materialistic if people misunderstand as its really not about that - poor gift choice. Obviously people might not get this right in the early stages but if you've been together more than a few years and they're STILL getting you inappropriate even offensive gifts for you that says either

A - they don't know you that well

B - they don't care enough to get you something you will at least appreciate the idea they were going for.

It's not about expensive gifts, it's about the thought behind them (or rather a lack of)

Verbana - yea I think if you're having to change yourself too much to "fit" them, it's not a good relationship.

One thing my ex did that I now definitely see as abusive which I didn't even in the immediate aftermath of our split was his comments about my weight/body after having our dd. I'd always been very slim (size 6/8) before but of course naturally gained weight with pregnancy - and to his shock didn't lose it immediately after! I had to have an emcs and dd and I are both lucky to be alive but pretty much as soon as I'd had 6 week check he started making digs about my weight, c section apron, going to the gym, watching what I was eating. He started calling me a nasty nickname relating to a fat tv character. If I ever challenged him he framed it as a combination of joke/trying to motivate me to lose weight as he "knew I'd feel better about myself" if I did. He now does the same to wife 2 (she's had 5 DC to him and is maybe size 10/12 DEFINITELY not overweight - not that this would be an excuse) and she runs off to weight loss clubs if he starts commenting/soon as she's allowed post birth. Irony is I'm now a 16/18 and at various points at that size he's come sniffing round!

“We spend so long telling our daughters how to find Mr Right, we don’t tell them how to avoid Mr Wrong” so true - I've tried to avoid that with dd. She recently had a relationship go wrong and it blindsided her, even though I'd noticed some love bombing I think and discussed that with her (but hey I'm old what do I know?!) both 17 and opposite to my ex (her father) he'd never had casual relationships they'd all from age 14 ended up being ltr/serious - that's odd too in my opinion. It's extremes that are dodgy.

Angels - so glad you got out. Well done.

Verbena87 - I'm the child of a deeply dysfunctional abusive marriage - probably doesn't help matters!

"told me he loved me after only two weeks. I did call him on it! You cannot possible love me you don't even know me....I should have binned him then! He was unshakable." Same with ex, but as I was his first proper gf I put it down to his feeling infatuated/overwhelmed, even now not convinced this was a red flag in my case but accept I'm probably wrong.

@AngelsAckiz , I'm so pleased your hairdresser spoke up!! (And also congratulations on dumping the prick!)

Also when he tells you to always look at him when he's arguing with you. Like breaking eye contact is disrespectful.

Incredibly scary and intimidating.

My ex called me gorgeous. He called his 6 year old gorgeous too. Made me feel icky.

Definitely the present thing.

Last year I got myself something for my mum to wrap with my children for Christmas to give to me. He got me the same thing (and told me before Christmas he'd got it) and when I told him I'd already got it he was really upset and annoyed that I had and seemed to expect me to return the one of got so he could give me the one from him. I suggested he return it to amazon but he said that was too much hassle and said he'd give it his mum. It was the way he acted like this was my fault and somehow I should fix it. He put no thought into presents at all. I'm veggie and was gluten free and other special diet for IBS and he knew that this was medically indicated and that I'd be in pain if I ate things I shouldn't. He bought me a well know bakery cupcake for Valentine's Day full of artificial this that and the other and gluten and wasn't vegetarian either. It was a kids cake with a tacky heart ring on the top. He presented it to me in the bakery bag. I was really, really upset and offended. When I said something he claimed his kids had wanted to get it me and again acted really offended and told me I was very ungrateful. He bought me some fitness equipment too which I took as "you're fat" He just didn't get why I was offended and sulked because I was upset. I made him return the fitness equipment. He did it with my birthday present too. Bought me something totally unsuitable and said it was no bother to exchange it if I didn't like it. When I suggested he get his money back as I shredding had 2 pairs of this item he went on and on about it for months about how he always chooses crap presents and how he knew I wouldn't like them etc. Playing the victim essentially.

If they can't or refuse to talk though any relationship issues that arise. Sooner or later something will crop up that has upset/annoyed the other and it's no good flying off the handle before storming off. They must be able to discuss stuff like mature adults.

Negging. Saying hurtful things, usually about my appearance, then claiming they're "just joking" when I complain. It's damaging, shows a lack of kindness and respect, and I now have zero tolerance for that shite.