Share your ‘red flags’ for the good of womankind updated

[Electrascoffee]

Please can we have another thread about this. I need to be constantly reminded. I’ve just had another nightmare relationship and the things I can take from it:

He was pretty isolated. He had only one friend who he also managed to piss off frequently. His family didn’t see him or even know he was moving House even though they lived in the same town. His daughter won’t speak to or see him.

When he’s happy everything is sweetness and light. If he’s having trouble at work, or is ill it’s somehow my fault. Using others as an emotional dumping ground for his shit is somehow normal according to him (he says this)

Emotionally manipulative. Dumped me in a crowded restaurant and then decided he’d made a terrible mistale.

Criticised my clothes. Said he didn’t like my perfume.

Made grandiose claims about himself.

Kept telling me sob stories about how he always got the blame for things by his ex wife and how he was only ever trying to get on with everyone. All his exes had BPD or NPD and all he wants is a quiet life.

Making me feel bad if I didn’t orgasm and then if I gave him guidance I was making him feel shit in bed.

[Electrascoffee]

Pinklady :(

[userxx]

Pinklady - did you divorce him?

[Pinklady11]

I most certainly did. After he slept with my best friend (who had acted as our bridesmaid)

In a way I’m almost grateful to him, walking away took a strength I never knew I had (as twatty) as that sounds. I’m a different person now, and he wouldn’t have lasted a week if I met him now.

[Pinklady11]

*excuse the jumbled English just sat down with a glass of red!

[userxx]

Well it wasn't wasted then was it, it's turned you into someone with zero bullshit boundaries and a liking for red wine 🍷😈

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Any kind of gas lighting or creating atmosphere. It's been a hard lesson that normal people don't do that

[twilightsaga]

@Pinklady11 he sounds absolutely awful. I bet you're extremely happy you got away from that one

[trulybadlydeeply]

Crazy, menopausal ex.

Coming into the relationship with no money, home or anything, reassuring me that he had "come with nothing and would leave with nothing". He is currently taken me for everything he can get and he a house and an income from me.

Lack of long term friendships, history of falling out with people.

Talking about his ex wife and their relationship on the first date.

I could go on!

[trulybadlydeeply]

Apologies for typos, stupid kindle

[Pinklady11]

Worse is I still have a vague urge to defend him going ‘he wasn’t that bad...’. He was he really was.

Couple of years in, I was being treated for severe depression for, well quite obvious reasons, and he (drunkenly) said he’d drive me to a nearby suicide spot so I could ‘prove’ to him that I was depressed. Christ he was a bastard.

Without going into it, when I left I hadn’t worked for 3 years due to his job, I lost my home (again it came with his job), lived 200 miles away from friends/family. And I did it. So anyone reading this who might feel trapped, there’s always a way to LTB

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Remembered something reading another thread. Normal people feel guilty if they hurt you - accidentally I mean like bumping into you or whatever. Exh accused me of exaggerating every single time and told me a have a very low pain threshold. Exp was guilty of this too. It's very weird and a form of gas lighting and stealth violence I reckon.

I'm very worried that exh does this with the dds. If they step on my toe or something I make a big fuss about it and I drum into them that if someone else is hurt they must ask if they are ok and comfort them. I realise this sounds a bit batshit but abusive relationships make out batshit

[Lalala2018]

Eurrrghh my please run and don't look back list:
If he tries to change your plans
Making it difficult or gets in a mood if you see your friends.
Making it seem like his life and current plans, job etc benefit you.
Making promises he never keeps or not sticking to a plan.
Some guys are looking for help, so if he moves in with you too quickly.
Says any paraphrase of "Its all in your head"
Speaks to you with any form of disrespect.
Doesn't value your time.
Expects bells and whistles but gives nothing back.
Is selfish, then he should be alone.
Gets angry at stupid things.
Makes you feel uncomfortable in any way.
If you are unfortunate enough to have kids with him, gives you little to no help.
Takes over your plans and makes you feel small.
Creates arguments.
Drinks excessively.
Is rude to service staff.
Tells you his exes were crazy.
Is delusional and lies.

You only have one life. Lonliness is far far better than insanity.

[Electrascoffee]

In terms of the first thing that happened to make me think something was up.

It was only 6 weeks into the relationship. I had got upset about something and was tearful about it. He ripped into me afterwards saying I had ruined his evening and made it all about me and that he had already heard enough moaning from his mum that day and he didn't need any more.

He made me think that my autism was the reason for the above and that I don't realise when I'm talking about something the other person doesn't want to hear. This is perhaps true but I rarely get upset about anything. Looking back he was conditioning me to never expect emotional support from him. From here it has spiralled downwards but he made me think I did something wrong.

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Again triggered by another thread claiming to have 'trust issues' even using that phrase sets the alarm bells off for me - it's a disclaimer about being controlling and jealous isn't it?

[userxx]

@Queenofthedrivensnow 100%, it's justifying his actions before it even kicks in.

[nonameisbetterthanmyname]

So from the early days (wish I’d had Mumsnet to guide me);-
No friends
Love bombing from the start ( marriage and babies within 3 weeks)
Crazy exes
Overly invested in my past
Asking weird questions about things and not accepting my answer eg I have a deep tummy button which he found strange, refused to accept that it was just my anatomy and proceeded to say ‘because some women have abortions through their tummy buttons that leave them deformed?’
I got an amazing placement offer the day after he failed to get a job and when I said ‘yes! I got the job’ told me I was doing it deliberately to wind him up, and sulked - so much sulking.
Yes reader I also married him
Cue years of broken promises - the big ones ‘I’m not telling where I’ve booked our honeymoon, it’s a surprise” - guess what - he hadn’t booked anything. Nowhere to live after we were married ‘ I was told it was all sorted. No help given for me to return to uni “ all the people who love us say it’s not a good idea”
Isolated me from my family and friends - my family were nuts I should only speak to them once a week. Having friends was weird, he should be enough for me - I was unreasonable to want to keep in touch with any others
Absolutely shit at presents - being hugely offended if I didn’t gush with joy but thinking nothing of returning presents I’d bought him then going and choosing either something the same or something he never touched again.
Saying absolutely vile things in arguments but saying it was because he was rubbish at arguing whereas I didn’t say those things as I was good at it.
So much more
Yes reader I’m still married to him

[Graphista]

Yes! To poor attitude to other women. He was lovely to his mum but complained constantly about other women and REALLY hated having a female boss (I suspect at least partly because she saw right through him! Wish I'd listened when at a social event we were chatting and she randomly said something along the lines of "why on EARTH are you with him you could do so much better" yes rude and inappropriate but still wish I'd listened.

Re their ex's - either extreme is a red flag - whether that's overly negative 'crazy bitch' type comments or overly positive putting her on a pedestal. I dated one guy for a while just over a year after I split from exh, he'd been divorced several years but his ex could do no wrong! I concluded he was still in love with her and ended it, later learned they got back together!

Rude to service staff - yes! And not just romantic relationships. I had a shocking experience with someone who was becoming a friend (at that point) who was appallingly rude to a waiter who'd unfortunately brought the wrong order to our table (simple table number mix up). To my embarrassment I didn't call her on it. But I certainly noticed, she never even apologised when I did make a somewhat weak comment that her reaction had made ME uncomfortable. I let the friendship slide and I really hope if I were ever in that situation again I'd tell the person how absolutely unacceptable such behaviour is.

Queen - 100% agree. My now exh cheated with someone who was supposed to be a friend. If ANYONE should have trust issues its me! One woman I dated said they had 'trust issues' because their first gf (talking high school not very serious relationship here) had dumped them to be with someone else. No cheating involved just normal teen changes. I kinda gave it a pass at first (more fool me) but as time went on I realised they were just jealous & controlling.

[Graphista]

I really thought I'd get flamed about the present thing. Glad people understand what I was getting at. It's not to do with amount (or not) spent, it's if they get you things that are completely unsuitable because they just couldn't be arsed to think of something suitable, couldn't be arsed to actually get to know you.

[nonameisbetterthanmyname]

Oh and also the NEVER making a decision - ever. I just thought that was laziness until once I deliberately said I would not give an opinion on whether to allow DS to go on a school trip, as I noticed I always seemed to get the blame for any wrong decision. DH decided to let him go and then when he realised it wasn’t such a great idea he blamed me - saying that he knew that I thought he should go and that’s why I didn’t say anything but he wouldn’t have allowed it if it was up to him. He could not see that anything he said was unreasonable - even though I had steadfastly refused to give an opinion either way he knew what I was thinking?!.
I then looked at his lack of decision making and realised he always gives both options so that he’s always able to say he was right in retrospect.
Constantly tells me everything about his job in the tiniest technical detail. Gives it the big I am about what a huge deal he is in his career - telling me how everyone thinks he’s so impressive and how successful he is. How impressive his salary is etc - We live in a shit hole of a house, never have much of a holiday and can never seem to afford anything.

[OnePotPlant]

This is one I’m not sure about so interested in views - someone who is 30 and desperate for a wife by their own admission, and has dated dozens of women over the past few years but not managed to turn anything into something longer than two - three months long?

[Graphista]

30 years old never had a relationship last more than 3 months? Yep I'd call that a red flag.

[userxx]

@OnePotPlant I'm not sure I'd call that a red flag, everything seems to be a lot more casual these days.

[Ohyesiam]

Any man who bandies the word Perfect around early on suddenly turns into an asshole ime.

“ you are the most perfect woman I’ve ever met” Run. A. Mile.

[OnePotPlant]

He’s had a couple of longer ones while younger (about a year) it’s just the last few years and the frantic dating - up to 3 dates with different people a week at one point

[Isitovernow]

That's true. No one is perfect. Any guy who has called me perfect that early ended up being a creep or a-hole.