Share your ‘red flags’ for the good of womankind updated

[Electrascoffee]

Please can we have another thread about this. I need to be constantly reminded. I’ve just had another nightmare relationship and the things I can take from it:

He was pretty isolated. He had only one friend who he also managed to piss off frequently. His family didn’t see him or even know he was moving House even though they lived in the same town. His daughter won’t speak to or see him.

When he’s happy everything is sweetness and light. If he’s having trouble at work, or is ill it’s somehow my fault. Using others as an emotional dumping ground for his shit is somehow normal according to him (he says this)

Emotionally manipulative. Dumped me in a crowded restaurant and then decided he’d made a terrible mistale.

Criticised my clothes. Said he didn’t like my perfume.

Made grandiose claims about himself.

Kept telling me sob stories about how he always got the blame for things by his ex wife and how he was only ever trying to get on with everyone. All his exes had BPD or NPD and all he wants is a quiet life.

Making me feel bad if I didn’t orgasm and then if I gave him guidance I was making him feel shit in bed.

He really couldn't stand his mother.
Turned out to be very misogynistic.
I'd like to know why.
I'll never know now.

Thanks for your replies. I'm autistic so yes I do have boundary issues unfortunately. I'm trying to get better at figuring out who these people are. In the beginning this man showed none of these signs which is I suppose what happens with these people.

“I don’t think [insert name of friend / family member / colleague] is very good for you”

Turning everything on me, nothing was ever his fault, he was incapable of accepting blame for anything.

Total gaslighting. Regularly would act like he hadn’t heard me say something or that I hadn’t done something I knew damn well I had, made me feel like I was going crazy at times.

Very, very subtle put downs such as telling me certain things I loved to wear didn’t suit me (despite everyone else saying it looked great), telling me certain body parts could use plastic surgery (one was my arse which every other man I have ever dated has been obsessed with...) and telling me I was too stupid to achieve what I wanted in life.

Never paying for anything. The first couple of dates he was generous and kind, then it all went downhill and I found myself always paying the bill including on my birthday. I never got a present or even a card. He never made any real effort for me tbh. He would also bill me for the petrol used during a short journey .

Always insisting he chose the film we watched, what went on TV, music we listened to etc because I didn’t have any taste apparently.

Comparing me to his exes. He talked about his exes a lot, in particular two he very much had on a pedestal. He would inform me of all the ways they were clearly better than me.

Laughing at me when I was upset about something.

Rejecting me sexually often and telling me it was my fault because I had ‘failed’ to seduce him.

Removing my phone when I was in his presence and hiding it so I didn’t have access to it...

Choking me, holding a knife to my throat and slapping me around the face then making out it was my fault because I ‘shouldn’t be so beautiful’ .

Extremely arrogant in a grandiose manner, thought he was something he really wasn’t. Always thought he was above me.

He was a psychopath. I realised this after I left him. When I separated from him he stalked me for months until it escalated to him publicly assaulting me. I got the police involved and never heard from him again luckily.

Ahh yes pan, he also tried to convince me my best friend wasn’t really a friend and that he would eventually drop me. He also would send nasty messages to another friend of mine when I left the room.

The put downs were always ‘just a joke’ for him as well. He minimised his behaviour.

Also worth noting he talked about the fact he had got 4/5 of his girlfriend’s pregnant and that they had all had an abortion. He said this almost as if he were proud, it was really rather odd. He further told me he had slept with almost 80 people, again something he was really proud of.

Sorry, I hate thinking about the twat but if this thread helps someone escape a bastard like that then brilliant.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you it’s just that I don’t trust them”

For me, the first tiny warning bell was when I found myself "editing" what I told my friends about the relationship, because I didn't want them to get "the wrong idea" about him.

The reality was that they would have got exactly the right idea about him.

Had me emotionally involved before we even met - we were at school together and he looked me up
Telling me he loved me before we had met
Sex maniac
Wanted to watch me have sex with someone else
Obsessed with the past
2 ex wives, one refuses contact with him, last girlfriend left his flat and posted keys back to him rather than see him
Even after all this, I still wanted to see him
It was when I became physically ill with the stress and constant high emotion I realised I had to get out. He didn't let go easily.
Now he's with another woman, who lives 300 miles away and he's doing the same to her.

Happy to add to this.

No friends is a massive red flag to me never again!!

Wanting to rescue you - I'm assuming you are all competent adults!

Any sign of needy behaviour.

Taking issue with your friends. Narcs and abusers don't really understand friendship patterns and flaws and forgiveness. Or loyalty.

“Borrowing” money very early on (and never paying it back obviously)

Criticising my friends and family members. Again very early on.

Telling me “my ex did that....” about various sex acts especially ones I wasn’t sure about. Reminding me the small dress size she was. You know because he had standards I needed to maintain.

Using derogatory language about women. Slag. Whore. Filthy bitch. Etc. Not just in arguments with me but about other women. I would never, ever date anyone ever again who spoke that way about women. Even in a “jokey” way.

Apparently not remembering mean things they do or say in arguments or just denying it totally even though you know they said/did that.

Any signs of aggression, addiction, cheating (including texting other women).

Telling me he couldn’t believe how I dressed, that my geography was terrible, my memory was terrible, not to mention ANYTHING about ex boyfriends, not to lean down so men could see down my top...

Need I go on?😄

And actually - from an otherwise lovely bloke - excessive descriptions of his proposal to his ex!

the main one is always the 'Discrediting exes' Any man that seriously bad mouths his ex and tries to paint her as 'crazy' within the first weeks of getting to know him is covering something up.

Men that are extremely intense and 'romantic' from the second they meet you despite not really knowing you at all.... this can often indicate that they are not actually interested in you as an individual person but as their symbol of a woman... and is usually a precursor for controlling and emotionally manipulative behaviour... they will often have a set way they want things to pan out and if you deviate from that they will react badly

Men who use any derogatory sexist language about other women ie 'that whore/slut' even if its not directed at you its a glimpse into what they actually feel about women and a message not to trust them at all.

Calling your breastfed 2 year old who's only ever seen his dad once in his life a "mummy's boy" and saying he needed to toughen up and be less dependant on me. Telling same 2 year old that he needed to share me with him. Criticising how I managed my finances and where I shopped because shopping at Tesco was why I never had any money yet being quite happy to eat my food, drink my drinks and use my house as a base when he needed to see clients closer to where I lived than he did

Tootruth
Your middle paragraph is soooooooo true
Totally him

The early signs I should never have ignored:

Overly interested in my past relationships, trying to catch me out about the details around them (ex. When they ended, how long they lasted etc).

Telling me he's bipolar, has mental health issues and that he's bad for me. (He's not diagnosed with anything). When I finally say ok you're bad for me let's not do this he starts talking marriage (I've only known him 2 months).

The usual crazy ex's apparently his ex was a narcissist 🙄

Making statements about women like they are all the same, ex. "All females are crazy".

He needed me because I helped him be a better person.

He was 33 and none of his relationships had lasted more than a year and by his own account they were on and off.

He messaged me loads when I went out and then asked when I got home if I'd been chatted up, he didn't care apparently but just wanted to know 🙄

There were loads tbh, I ended it after 3 months, I think if I only saw the tip of the ice berg.

So to summarise red flags:

1. Overly interested in my past
2. Any warning of being bad for me
3. Crazy ex's
4. Sexist
5. Neediness/putting me on a pedestal
6. No previous long term relationship
7. Upping contact when I'm out/questioning

Men that are extremely intense and 'romantic' from the second they meet you despite not really knowing you at all.... this can often indicate that they are not actually interested in you as an individual person but as their symbol of a woman... and is usually a precursor for controlling and emotionally manipulative behaviour... they will often have a set way they want things to pan out and if you deviate from that they will react badly
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This is so true, I dated a man like this at the beginning of the year. He was mid 30s and had probably had 15+ proper girlfriends. He was the type to want to put it all over Facebook after a month and declaring love. It was obvious to me that he did this to every woman he was with. It ended after a couple of months (all very dramatically) and he's got a new girlfriend (nothing wrong with that) but he's already putting photos of them up (I can see in my block list 🤣). Also photos of the flowers he's bought her etc. It's so clear he has a formula and an idea on how things show progress...he puts women on a pedestal and when they don't live up to it they get dumped. All his friends can't understand why he can't find long term love 🙄

Sorry highlighting fail

Well, I dated what my friends called an 'asshole' and I dated a guy who had narcissistic personality disorder. No question. So here were the red flags for both of them:

Asshole

• being late and getting arsey if I brought it up.

• talking a lot about his ex wife, even on the first date.
• making a huge effort to see me if he knew sex was on the cards but making f-all effort if sex wasn't.
• blowing hot and cold.
• cancelling at the last minute and expecting me to re-schedule no bother. I bid him Adieu after he did that the last time.

The narcissist

• He love-bombed me entirely at the beginning: surprise flowers, surprise presents, showing up places unexpected just to give me a hug, sending me cards to wish me luck for the tiniest of things, amazing texts, wrote me poems, listed off my positive traits constantly. He was essentially irresistible. I had never been treated like that before.
• He told me one day on the phone that I 'hadn't put a foot wrong.' What happens when I do, I wondered.
• He told me he'd never get jealous and doesn't get jealous. A few months later, he showed up at my house crying and shaking saying 'the thoughts of you out enjoying male attention.' I had gone out for a night with a female friend.
• He twisted things. If I had even a slight issue with him (maybe not ringing when he said he would or something like that), he would twist it around and tell me that I needed to look at myself to see why I would react that way.
• He lost his temper and said he didn't usually but was driven to it.
• He talked about our longterm future one night and then dumped me the following morning! He then came crawling back.
• He wouldn't have sex with me until I swore that I was going out with him and I was committed to only him (sounds sensible really but felt like a ransom at the time, to be honest).
• He made out that there was something inherently wrong with all of his exes and said once that all his relationships had ended because he couldn't fix them.
• He sent me the most emotionally deceptive long email where he was basically criticising every inch of my being but in the most sophisticated, subtle way. I showed it to a colleague and she said it was the most toxic thing she had ever read.
• He encouraged female attention and then made out like all these other women were actually chasing him, presumably to boost his non-existent self-esteem.

I could go on...but I won't!

I think red flags are obvious but we do overlook them. I think green flags are better. Green flags are these:

• someone who does what they say they'll do when they say they'll do it.
• someone who shows you who they are through their actions, not tells you who they are through their words. Talk is cheap.
• someone who prioritises you without looking for something in return.
• someone who treats you as an equal. This is the most important of all.
• someone who understands who you are and does not need to be moulded in to treating you well.

to all. We all deserve love and happiness. xx

Love bombing (from a man or woman).
Crazy Ex (she always a bitch or crazy or both).
Feeling confused or having to work them out early on (it shouldn’t be that much hard work).
Being negative about women on TV (like, what’s that stupid cow talking about now).

Putting a hole in my door in an argument, never having money, calling me ugly amongst other things

vanity
mean about little things, penny pinching
self pity, being chippy
unfounded jealosy

lived together, ended up pushing me down some stairs in a club (!) never spoke again. Sexual chemistry out of this world.
YUCK.

In the first three months:

Telling him how my nan fell apart after the death of her youngest daughter (my aunt) and him saying ‘cool story, you got an interesting one?’

Secretly trying to film us in bed

Me organising every single time we met up. Then he’d just turn up to my place with a bottle of JD and proceed to drink it in a few hours

Turning up at my flat when my attractive friend was there and telling me to ask her for a three some

Passing me a note saying ‘geek’ when I was on the phone to my sister talking about books

Having a go at me after an evening with my friend talking politics/ current affairs (which he invited himself along to) because I was boring and nerdy

Being proud and puffed up like a peacock when his mate tried it on with me

Sure there’s more.

Reader I married him