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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling or protective

284 replies

TheMuteMoose · 22/08/2018 18:43

Hey, newbie here

Before I go off on a tangent, and make myself out to be paranoid and over thinking can anyone give me an idea of what makes a partner controlling/ over protective?

I have a few red flags raised in my fairly new relationship (6 months) but worried I am just over thinking the situation and things that are said. I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, so even these doubts I am havjng are very out of character for me.

A small example of some of the shenanigans for an idea... OH mentions he has a sore neck, which reminds me to let him know I’ve booked myself into my usual sports massage. This has been ongoing for 8+ years. After a long pause he says In a very moody tone “brilliant, another mans hands all over your naked body” I don’t react, I ignore the comment with a Shake of he head and a loud tut. He says there it was a joke and he just wanted some reassurance, I say he is being controlling and paranoid to which he very strongly denies

Plenty more examples to come, but I’d like to hear some opinions before I let lose!!

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 23/08/2018 15:42

Ay up Fuckit me duck! so many men like this - I wonder if this one is your ex though! Shock

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 23/08/2018 15:46

They all sound alike don’t they ! I remember comparing my ex narc traits to a woman ex husband who had just done the freedom programme , you would think it was the same person! It’s like they have a script they follow , weird xx

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/08/2018 16:01

I've noticed 'The Controllers Script' on a lot of threads here. Awful - but it does make giving the right advice easy, and the 'victim' can be told what to expect once they dump the controller/abuser.

I had one decades ago - no MN then to put me right! took me about 4 years before I dumped. He then took to turning up at my home at random times when he felt like it, under the guise of "we can still be friends". MN would soon have put a stop to THAT nonsense! Grin

macnab · 23/08/2018 16:04

You've dodged a bullet for sure, OP. He definitely needs to get his belongings out of your house asap, but please don't let him in there on his own. Could you be there with a friend/family member, or have someone there on your behalf? I'd be worried he'd plant a hidden camera or something - and yes that sounds a bit ridiculous but has come on up mnet before so it does happen! Or he could be going through your own personal belongings, maybe take something etc. I just wouldn't trust him to leave him in the house alone. Best thing would be for you to pack up his things and leave them somewhere for him, but if you can't do that for some reason then please don't give him free reign of your house on his own.

RabbitsAreTasty · 23/08/2018 16:24

He will be angry that you are stealing his home, his housekeeping, his dinners, his ability to build his savings, his sex life.

This is ludicrous of course but it is how controlling cocklodgers' minds work. They genuinely feel entitled to your time, effort and assets. Therefore they genuinely feel angry at you for "screwing them over".

Lunde · 23/08/2018 16:26

Wow - he has really shown his true colours as soon as you stood up to him.

Do not let him back inside your house!

You never know if he could do things to damage or disrupt your life now that he has turned nasty - e.g. he might steal your identity or financial paperwork, install keyloggers to hack your devices or secretly track and film. Not saying he will but do not give him the opportunity. Get the locks changed. Put his stuff in a binbag and deliver them to his dm.

LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 17:34

He will be angry that you are stealing his home, his housekeeping, his dinners, his ability to build his savings, his sex life.

Yep, with washing and housework thrown in.

Belfastgirl90 · 23/08/2018 21:29

How is everything now op? X

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 24/08/2018 06:35

Morning all.

Last night was difficult, i think he went through every emotion on text, every threat possible. I have had it all turned round on me, then he accepts it him, then i need to learn to have some respect. Its all very tiring.

I do feel guilty, i feel sad, and i really wanted this to work between us. But as you all say i really do think he portrayed this imagine of who i wanted him to be, not who he is.

thank you all for your continued support

Flowers
OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 24/08/2018 06:47

Thanks don't be afraid to block him. You don't owe him anything after that behaviour.

RyderWhiteSwan · 24/08/2018 07:02

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You can end a relationship for any reason or NONE, and you have a damn good reason! You don't owe anyone a relationship!

Your feeling guilty is the result of him grinding you down by the constant messaging. How selfish is HE for not respecting your decision? He is totally running true to type for this kind of man.

Please block. You owe him NOTHING - especially not your entire personality being eroded until you don't know who you are any more. A lot of women on here will testify to that!

RyderWhiteSwan · 24/08/2018 07:09

Just a reminder....

Cocklodger by stealth
Didn't help in YOUR house although living there
Didn't contribute financially
Didn't want a cat in YOUR home.
Didn't want you to wear a bikini on holiday
Didn't like you having a massage by a professional
Didn't respect your 'alone' time eg walking your dogs.....

So much control and selfishness after only 6 months!

RabbitsAreTasty · 24/08/2018 07:45

You really wanted it to work so you suppressed your personality and let him take advantage of you.

How has he worked on the realtionship? By training you with sulks and moods to bow to his will.

Bombarding you with texts shows how little regard he has for your feelings.

Blocking him is best but if you are not ready for that, tell him you both need space to think so you want him to leave you alone no contact for a week. If he respects you, he will comply. If he mainly cares about forcing you to bend to his desires irrespective of your own, he will not comply.

Loopytiles · 24/08/2018 07:54

Block him. This doesn’t need to be a drama.

MalcolmFucker · 24/08/2018 07:58

Well done op.

go and get the dog

MargotMoon · 24/08/2018 08:02

I also think you should get the dog. Maybe a big scary one, to bite him on the arse if he ever darkens your door again.

Have you worked out what to do with his stuff yet?

Loopytiles · 24/08/2018 08:33

A dog would be a terrible plan.

PerverseConverse · 24/08/2018 08:52

Block and delete. He's behaving very typically of this type of man. You owe him nothing but you owe it to yourself to block him because he's still controlling you if you don't.

LeftRightCentre · 24/08/2018 08:53

Block and delete. He's following the script of a controlling person. What Ryder said.

0ccamsRazor · 24/08/2018 09:26

hellsbells has the right words.....

I think a message back saying 'fuck off you manipulative dick' should just about do it!

Then block

hellsbellsmelons · 24/08/2018 09:33

You are still people pleasing, even though you believe you are not one.
You could have blocked him and not seen any of those messages.
The time to block is NOW!

auntyflonono · 24/08/2018 10:20

He knows you are going on holiday, I expect he will make himself at home while you are gone. Do you have anyone who can house sit?

TooTrueToBeGood · 24/08/2018 10:33

Last night was difficult, i think he went through every emotion on text, every threat possible. I have had it all turned round on me, then he accepts it him, then i need to learn to have some respect. Its all very tiring.

This is all so unnecessary if you can just allow yourself to accept that you owe him fuck all. You don't need to tolerate him bombarding you with texts and doing so denies him the chance tor turn it around leading you to feel emotionally drained. Tell him one final time it's over, there's nothing left to discuss and be explicitly clear that you don't want to hear from him again. Then block and if he continues to harrass you log everything and report him to the police. The alternative is that you continue to let him wear you down and probe for chinks in your armour.

Read back through this thread and you will find that quite a few people predicted early on how this would play out. They were right and you should continue to listen. You are dealing with a potentially very dangerous man here and the potential for further emotional harm to yourself and possibly even physical harm should not be underestimated.

YourHandInMyHand · 24/08/2018 10:35

Just read full thread and you've definitely made the right call. Once his stuff is posted (and please post by recorded delivery with signature needed) then BLOCK him on your phone, email, etc to say you the manipulation tactics.

As for changing the locks please do it as soon as you possibly can. I get the sense you feel relaxed about it while he is working away but if he senses quite rightly that he's losing his grip on you I wouldn't put it past him to ditch work and come "home".

Loopytiles · 24/08/2018 10:53

Get locks changed before you go away.