Controlling or protective

[TheMuteMoose]

Hey, newbie here

Before I go off on a tangent, and make myself out to be paranoid and over thinking can anyone give me an idea of what makes a partner controlling/ over protective?

I have a few red flags raised in my fairly new relationship (6 months) but worried I am just over thinking the situation and things that are said. I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, so even these doubts I am havjng are very out of character for me.

A small example of some of the shenanigans for an idea... OH mentions he has a sore neck, which reminds me to let him know I’ve booked myself into my usual sports massage. This has been ongoing for 8+ years. After a long pause he says In a very moody tone “brilliant, another mans hands all over your naked body” I don’t react, I ignore the comment with a Shake of he head and a loud tut. He says there it was a joke and he just wanted some reassurance, I say he is being controlling and paranoid to which he very strongly denies

Plenty more examples to come, but I’d like to hear some opinions before I let lose!!

Definitely get the locks changed ASAP. He's shown his true nastiness now and you can't trust him. I hope you've blocked him now. Don't give him the satisfaction of an exit message. Just block and delete.

I admire you for how you have dealt with this. So many people ignore their gut, I bet there are loads of the readers here fist bumping the air right now for you!!

He has lost perspective completely if he is messaging threats and the likes, this was 6 months. He needs to cop the fuck on!

I hope you have told your family now etc as that will give you that last bit of solidity while he plays your heaststrings

A little update, the messages were becoming hell. Apparently this is all my fault, i turned him to this, i forced him to be like he is and i am not seeing anything correct. He wants me to leave my second job so he can see me more and he will financially support me.. he strongly believe this can make the relationship work.. oh and what did he add on the end, it is about time i learn to have respect him and treat him right....

IS HE FOR REAL... He is no longer able to message, i am bored of it. I have asked a family memeber to sort locks for me, asked they dont ask questions till i am ready to talk

I will be explain all this to my mum when we are away, but right now i do not feel ready.

I honestly think this man is unhinged. I have no idea what drives someone to be like this, IMO someones past doesn't do this.

My head is all over the show. Half of me feels awful and the other half is outraged someone can be like this with me.

Why do you feel awful?

TooTrueToBeGood - Because i have just ended a relationship. I know i have done the right thing, but that doesnt mean i am not affected by it.

He is unhinged.

He wants a totally submissive wifey.

You dodged a bullet.

Read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That.

You will find your ex in there. It will enlighten you I am sure and perhaps help with closure. Not that I believe in closure .

I felt awful when I told my controlling husband I was leaving him. He nearly fell over backwards & then looked like a puppy that'd been kicked.

I really felt terrible, very emotional. But I was certain I'd done the right thing.

I agree, he wants someone who will just smile and nod and do what ever he wants. This has come about very quickly and has taken me by surprise. I can only imagine as our relationship was steady, and by that i mean not wanting to spend every spare minute with each other.

Today was the first time he has mentioned my second job. He said as he work away 3/4 nights a week he would rather me not work and he will support me. No thank you!

I cannot believe how controlling this man has been... and all happened under my nose and i barely saw it.

and all happened under my nose and i barely saw it
And that is why these abusive, controlling men get away with it for so long.
They are true experts.
You spotted it fast though and have extricated yourself from him.
Phew!
Very lucky escape

Because i have just ended a relationship. I know i have done the right thing, but that doesnt mean i am not affected by it.

Easy for me to say I know but try not to be. You've done the right thing and his behaviour was not your fault and you are in no way to blame for any of this. Try and turn that feeling awful into feeling relieved you've had a lucky escape. You're doing great, be kind to yourself.

You can make an immediate difference to your thoughts and feelings, by blocking him.

He can no longer contact me.. i am sure he will find a way at some point, but i will cross that bridge when i come to it

You're doing great!

So you ended it because he was controlling and wanted you to be meek and compliant, and his play was to suggest you give up your independence through work so he has more power over you, and demand you respect him?

Very interesting game plan., can't think why that didn't work

I don't think the concept of strong women who don't need a dominant male partner fits in his head. His last replies are scarily close to the shit you see on the incel groups...

Yes i truly believe he thought i would roll over, have a cry and the worship him.

The demand for respect is laughable. It is almost like in his mind he lives in the days where women stayed at home cooked and cleaned, had sex when the male demanded it, didnt speak till they were spoken to. Well i dont know at what point he ever thought i would be that kind of woman, maybe he just thought i would be a challenge? See how long it took him to grind me down to nothing.

I could torture myself with the questions.

I will be downloading Lundy Bancroft and reading on my holiday. Will lead nicely to talking to my mum about it.

Not grind you down to nothing. Help you get into a proper woman shape. You are a strong clever woman so obviously you will want to be better at womaning. That's why his counter offer was so fucked up. It was coming from that place of helping you to be the best at womaning.

It's worth a little bit of reflection and looking back at your opening post. That was just 2 days ago and at that point in time you were doubting your own judgement but just couldn't get over that nagging doubt in your gut that he wasn't right. Now you've forced his hand and in a desperate attempt to regain control he's completely revealed his true self.

The frightening thing is that if you hadn't reached out for a bit of support, hadn't got confirmation that your gut feeling was justified, he'd have had more time to slowly wear you down. Another 6 months, maybe a year, and you might not have had the strength and confidence to break free or to even accept that you deserve to break free. That's invariably what happens to even the strongest of abuse victims.

I know I don't know you but I am so freaking proud of you and hope you are proud of yourself. Keep your eyes open though and your wits about you because you may well not have heard the last of him.

"Their first manipulation tactic is to Mirror the Victim. In the Love Bombing phase, basically they will shape shift to you, it will feel like a Dream it will feel like you are falling in love with yourself or the so called Soul Mate, you will pray to God every night for giving you such a gift, All the falling in love with the NPD feels like a Beautiful Nightmare(a Dream, it happens so fast it’s like in a blink of an eye)and when you wake up you are so confused and you don’t even know what happened from this lovely, caring, funny charming personality they will turn to the Devil himself, you will search for answers you wont even know what happened out of the blue he/she loses interest,affection etc etc then you will start to realize that you got Manipulated since day 1".
^This! A thousand times this^

This is what my ex did. I thought we were soul mates, feel a right fool over that. I love the outdoors and ex spent £Ks on outdoor gear.

The woman he had an affair with liked sport and suddenly he was watching rugby and football. No interest in the previous 17 years.

It was a terrible nightmare, I have CPTSD and things are often a struggle. Not that anyone can tell as I closely guard myself now and trust no fucker. (An MNers advice!).

Attila so spot on. It took me a couple of years after he left to realise that I'd been manipulated from the very first day.

Guilt is a choice. Just say “no” to the guilt. He is trying to make you feel guilty. Nope. Teflon coat-let it all slide water-duck-back style.

He has been stealthily training you in feeling guilty with his moods and comments. It will take a little while to shake off the training. Be kind to yourself.

You did SO WELL to post after your initial gut feeling! and to act so quickly! Well done, even though it may feel horrible now what you have done is set your boundaries and learnt about abusers a bit more.
Might I suggest looking into The Freedom Programme, ago you don't get mislead by them in the future? Well worth it. I wish it were taught in secondary schools!

Op although I didn't take him back after he took the appliances, it still took a few months for me to get him out from under my skin and unfortunately I had an attachment to him, so whilst he wasn't living with me anymore I still had a few months of an on off physical relationship. I was like coming off heroine (I imagine) because you go a few days without contact then have an evening with him and instantly regret it after. Then you go a week, then a few weeks etc until you can't take it anymore and you hit rock bottom.

It's extremely hard but then I had been seeing him for 18 months and he was living with me. I would hope for you that it's slightly easier being only 6 months in and not getting to the level of abuse where you're just broken inside.

I say that because I know you feel guilty but you're doing the right thing. It would never have worked and you'd end up a shadow of your former self. I think you're being incredibly brave and a few weeks/months from now you'll look back and think really?

Mine also told me I didn't have to work.. it was a ploy to try and make sure I was kept at home with little contact with anyone else. I like working so that was never going to happen.

Good Lord is completely round the twist.