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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling or protective

284 replies

TheMuteMoose · 22/08/2018 18:43

Hey, newbie here

Before I go off on a tangent, and make myself out to be paranoid and over thinking can anyone give me an idea of what makes a partner controlling/ over protective?

I have a few red flags raised in my fairly new relationship (6 months) but worried I am just over thinking the situation and things that are said. I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, so even these doubts I am havjng are very out of character for me.

A small example of some of the shenanigans for an idea... OH mentions he has a sore neck, which reminds me to let him know I’ve booked myself into my usual sports massage. This has been ongoing for 8+ years. After a long pause he says In a very moody tone “brilliant, another mans hands all over your naked body” I don’t react, I ignore the comment with a Shake of he head and a loud tut. He says there it was a joke and he just wanted some reassurance, I say he is being controlling and paranoid to which he very strongly denies

Plenty more examples to come, but I’d like to hear some opinions before I let lose!!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 11:07

Rabbits - he always refers to it as ''home'' or ''our house''... he goes in a mood every time i remind him it is my house, which i pay for, and i live in but allow him to stay in

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 23/08/2018 11:10

I would also pack his stuff for him. How much can there be for you/him to go through? He doesn't officially live with you and it has obly been six months.

Describe it as "you left a few things at my place. I'll drop them off a your place."

Talk about it to him and yourself not as his mum's place but his place. He is not living at your place. It is not "our place". He lives with his mum. That is his place.

RabbitsAreTasty · 23/08/2018 11:11

What do you do when he gets in a mood?

LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 11:18

Pack his shit up. No more engaging with him at all. Drop it off at his mum's place or his place, even drop it off at a friend's house or leave it at his work. Tell him where it is and then block. He needs to be totally blocked. He has zero respect for you. You break up with him and he completely ignores you. Because you don't count. Only he does.

ThinksTwice · 23/08/2018 11:18

Good thinking rabbits, definitely refer to it as "his" place not his "mums" place.

dirtybadger · 23/08/2018 11:21

The dog thing!! What an absolute joke.

Do what @rabbit suggests

HobNobcentral · 23/08/2018 11:21

So 30 minutes after you’ve sent a text breaking up; he’s ignored it and tried to pull your heart strings.

That’s not a red flag, it’s a bit red alarm bell!

twoshedsjackson · 23/08/2018 11:22

Small practical point about the post; some things he doesn't want other people to see. If you work at the same place, why not put it all in a large envelope, mark it "Confidential" or "Personal" if you feel it's appropriate, and put it all in his work inbox?
Added advantage that if he has to open it in the workplace, he can't do the emotional bit without denting the work image.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 11:24

I bet his stuff wont even fill a bin bag, he very little belongings just clothes and a pile of letters. There are some things he bought me/us which i will also return.

When he gets in a mood i used to ask him what was up, and try and sort it out, recently (funnily enough when the controlling behavior started) i just leave him too it and carry on with what i was doing or busy myself. Its like now he cant bare that im not running back to him trying to sort out problems he has created.

I will certainly not be responding to any messages he sends, i cant be bothered with the argument and i have no interest.

Only contact i will be making now is to let him know where his stuff is. Which i have decided will be my out house, which he can access without going in the house. I will ask him to post my key so i dont need to change the locks.

OP posts:
Dhalandchips · 23/08/2018 11:26

I'm about to celebrate my first LTB ! The pyjamas thing is bloody weird. You sound strong OP. You don't need that shit.

RabbitsAreTasty · 23/08/2018 11:26

I would get him to post the key, to make the point.

I would also change the barrel of the lock for peace of mind. It is cheap and easy. YouTube is your friend.

LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 11:27

In that case, Moose, I'd post it all via recorded delivery to his home address. He can pick it up and sign for it. Send him a message with the tracking number and then block. If he comes over to yours to talk, tell him to leave. Sorry but you still need to change your locks, only the lock barrel. You can't trust a controlling person not to enter your home.

ThinksTwice · 23/08/2018 11:28

Personally I would change the locks. Even if he gives yours back he could make a copy. It would make you feel better and safer.

RabbitsAreTasty · 23/08/2018 11:28

The next few days will be so relaxing , walking the dogs on your own, whole bed to yourself with cat and pyjamas. What else will be lovley?

Will he keep insisting on coming to your hobbies?

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 11:30

Good advice about posting the letters back to him, i would be worried leaving them in the outhouse. There is alot of personal information on them and i dont want to give him anything to come back to me on.

Also good advise RE the key. I wouldnt put it past him getting a key cut before he returns the key to me. But i will make him return regardless

OP posts:
ThinksTwice · 23/08/2018 11:31

Firstly though I would talk to you friends and family about what has happened. Make sure you have that back up.

LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 11:32

Just change the lock barrels. It's not hard. And post his shit back to him. Give him the tracking number. 'I've posted your belongings back to you. Here is the tracking number.' And that's it. Block.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 11:33

Rabbits - Sounds like heaven to me.. In terms of the hobby, i think we can avoid each other quite easily. We were in different areas so never saw each other before hand, shouldn't do afterwards unless he purposefully goes just to see me.

On one side i really believed he was a good man and can make me feel on top of the world, but now i have started to be my true self he obviously doesnt like what he sees, and wants me to go back to the agreeing girlfriend who dotes on him band hangs on to his every word. That is not me at all.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 23/08/2018 11:35

Are you sure you have same life goals etc. and not that he's parroting you to make you like him? He love bombed you which also meant he said everything you wanted to hear. Which means he has probably lied about what he wants for the future to mirror what you want.

What he wants for the future is to be a cocklodger, you on tap to do all house work and sex, not pay anything, and control you. That is his future aim.

Not the same as yours I'll bet...

And please change the locks regardless of whether he gives you his key back. This man is not who you think he is. You can't predict what he'll do.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 23/08/2018 11:38

Defo change the locks , dumping a controlling person is a “trigger” you don’t know how he will behave once the reality finally sinks in that he can’t talk you around. Safety first op xxx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/08/2018 11:38

I would also get the locks changed Moose; he could very well make a copy of this key before he posts it or equally refuses to return the key.

Consider too enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as such men can and do further mess with boundaries as well as taking time to recover from.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/08/2018 11:42

You mentioned earlier that you could drop his stuff at his Mum's. Just do it. Get it out of your house, so he does not need to collect.

And change the locks. Yes, it's a pain but you will have peace of mind. Then block block block on everything.

Well done, OP.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 11:46

Is anyone able to direct message me? I am unsure how to do it on here and i just need to run something by someone but i would rather not put it on here just incase

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 23/08/2018 11:49

Yy to changing locks.

If he starts to harass you or turns up at your home, tell him that you will phone the police, if he continues then follow through with getting police help. Men like him can react badly when they are dumped.

Do not enter into any further communication.

Get his stuff out of your home.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/08/2018 11:50

Just sent you a DM.