Controlling or protective

[TheMuteMoose]

Hey, newbie here

Before I go off on a tangent, and make myself out to be paranoid and over thinking can anyone give me an idea of what makes a partner controlling/ over protective?

I have a few red flags raised in my fairly new relationship (6 months) but worried I am just over thinking the situation and things that are said. I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, so even these doubts I am havjng are very out of character for me.

A small example of some of the shenanigans for an idea... OH mentions he has a sore neck, which reminds me to let him know I’ve booked myself into my usual sports massage. This has been ongoing for 8+ years. After a long pause he says In a very moody tone “brilliant, another mans hands all over your naked body” I don’t react, I ignore the comment with a Shake of he head and a loud tut. He says there it was a joke and he just wanted some reassurance, I say he is being controlling and paranoid to which he very strongly denies

Plenty more examples to come, but I’d like to hear some opinions before I let lose!!

Crikey...change those locks today! You should have done this before finishing it with him, the chaos he could cause could be much more than the cost of a new lock.

Greenberet - honestly, i have never met someone who wants exactly what i want in life

Not being funny but duh! Of course men will reel you in with this bollocks and then start to unravel when their feet are under the table, the washing is being done and they are living there cost free!

Reading this thread has been a massive encouragement for me, I’m in a very similar relationship!
Well done OP for acting so fast, enjoy the freedom and cat cuddles

Sounding positive now!

Rockinmomma - I hope this can help you. The thought was there in my mind for the past month, but this thread just confirmed what i think i already knew.

googling lock smiths now, i already know this is going to get very messy.

You tube changing a lock first

Sorry. Changing the barrel

I’ve known for months, had countless conversations/arguments, he pleads and grovels, I give it another chance. And he wonders why I’m not as affectionate and lovey dovey as I were at the beginning...

Rockinmomma - bless you.. you will find the strength. You deserve much better, no one deserves this it is awful. I understand why you stay, when the days are good they are really good, but i cant shake this feeling i have. Something just isnt right.

It’s my personality type I think, people pleaser! I always feel responsible for another persons happiness.
Going back to a pp though. It pisses me off when people blame past relationships, utter bull crap! I was cheated on whilst pregnant, I dealt with those issues before embarking on a new relationship.

"but now i have started to be my true self he obviously doesnt like what he sees, and wants me to go back to the agreeing girlfriend who dotes on him band hangs on to his every word. That is not me at all."

When I finally confided in my Mum what was going on she wisely said "just be yourself, then he will either not be bothered and you can just happily be yourself or he will be bothered then you'll know you have to live a lie."

So I went off and did as she said. I was "myself " and didn't dote/pander to him or agree with everything he said.

Day 1 of doing this he was puzzled and started to play the martyr. He went off that evening (I was happy because he never bloody went out so he could control be with me) to have a drink with his son. He came back later and I was in bed. He said "I'm leaving tomorrow." Looking back this was a tactic to jolt me back into submission. When I said ok he got out of bed and spent the night downstairs packing up/smoking/drinking (it was my house.)

He took two major appliances which were essential that he had bought (because he new I needed them) and left shirts in the wardrobe and precious family photos along with other stuff. The aim was to move out enough and take things which would inconvenience me but not move out quite enough so he could just walse back in at any time when he thought I'd beg him to come back.

After 1 day of me being myself he had done that because he was trying to reinstate the control. Sounds like that's what your guy was doing.

It backfired on him though because I was so worn down but I felt a sense of fright and relief and didn't beg him to come back. I went out and bought the appliances he took and bagged up the rest of his stuff and dropped them at his mums.

The correct phrase is An Empath rather than people pleaser from what I have read.

Look up Empath personality traits. Empaths attract narcs quite easily it seems!

ThinksTwice - gosh what a time for you but thank goodness you were in the right place mentally. I bet he didnt see that coming at all did he. Well done to you. Empath sounds a lot more like me!

always refers to it as ''home'' or ''our house''... he goes in a mood every time i remind him it is my house, which i pay for, and i live in but allow him to stay in

COCKLODGER KLAXON!

Stop thinking of this as a failure - this is a huge SUCCESS. You listened to your instincts, you stayed true to yourself and you walked. If you were my relative or daughter - I'd be really proud.

we could offer the perfect home
Who the fuck is WE?
It's not his home!

Well done OP.
I think a message back saying 'fuck off you manipulative dick' should just about do it!

Proud of you Moose!

Not only are you helping yourself - this thread is giving encouragement to others in a similar postition. Frightening how many women get sucked in by these controlling cunts of men. Not at all the womens fault, as these types do 'lovebomb' and 'mirror' their target.

Think of it like having nits - no shame in acquiring them, but it's up to you to get rid of the infestation

Is he all over you with messages now?

I have been inundated, but i will not react. He went to the dog ones, to saying he will change and begging, then a really nasty couple. The most recent one ''hows your day going babe xxxx''

Im just sat here rolling my eyes and trying not to get angry

Take his stuff to his mums. Tell him then block him everywhere. Sounds like it could get nasty otherwise. Yes to changing the locks whether key returned or not. Can you have someone with you tonight in case he starts pestering at your home?

Yep dump stuff and block. Nasty piece of work isn't he

Of course he will get nasty - it is the true show and tell.

If it really was protection he'd say 'I can see your point of view and yes that is pretty bad of me. That's not how I meant it but I RESPECT your decision'.

Which they never do!

He is the dog that needs rehoming isn’t he? Now he’s lost this particular kennel.

Yes, it crept up on me. I was lovebombed and promised things that sounded pretty wonderful at the time. By the time I realised I was in a huge mess with financial commitments and a baby.

He is trying every trick to make you bend to his will. It rather proves the point about him.

Some anger is good.

He is the dog that needs rehoming isn’t he? Now he’s lost this particular kennel

Ermehhgawwd he sounds exactly like my ex ! Does his name begin with a H and he is from derby/Nottingham way? 😂 xxx