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Original poster

Confidence level down after comments on body

161 replies

Lolosoap2 · 21/08/2018 22:57

Hi all,

Really needs advice on BF behaviour

So, my BF and I are 25 and 24 years old, and we have been together for 4 years. This weekend we went to Monaco to celebrate our 4th year anniversary. Everything went really well, and I really felt like we had shared a beautiful and romantic moment together. We came back last night, he tells me how much he was happy to be with me etc etc

Today I saw a message he received from one of his best friend (who is currently in Italy on the beach with his GF) saying: "I realized I have reached the bottom 2.5% in terms of ass and boobs with my GF as I look at other girls on the beach " (this is translated from French, the actual language employed was very rude and vulgar, just did not know how to translate it. My BF responded, "Yeah, please don't remind me that I am part of the bottom 2.5% too. Girls were just so hot in the south of France. and then he adds a smiley crying" - This is not the first time this type of comments are arising, we went on vacation with 12 other friends in July and he told me I was the least good looking of the girls in the house we were renting. Sometimes he makes comments at dinner in front of everyone: "Oh think a bit about your ass stop eating all that"

I am not sure if that matters, but I actually felt really great about my body before. AT University I was elected Queen of the Business ball and I was always complimented on my look, my hair, my body...I believe I still look great, but I am really losing my confidence when I see this kind of messages or hear his comments
I don't know how to react, Is it normal for him to expect that I hit the gym everyday to look more like his standard (going to the gym is healthy after all)? Should I talk to his friend? should I talk to the other girl being body shamed? Should I just keep it to myself? Technically I found out about the message while spying on his FB profile... so not great on my side

Most importantly, I am very worried about the future. If he makes this kind of comments now that I am young, what will he do when I get older, become pregnant or gain weight? Anyone with experiences on this matter?
Should I stop speaking to him? I just don't know how to react
This should not affect me that much, I don't want to be superficial, but it really makes me sad especially when I thought we 've had actually spend a very nice weekend in the south of France..

OP posts:
Lookingforwardtonewjob · 22/08/2018 10:52

I've been with my dh for 15 years. In that time we've had 3 children and I've gone from a size 6-8 toned body who looked after myself very well (think lovely make up and hair, dressed well) up to size 12-14 hardly wearing make up and in my pj's many times when he gets home from work. So as we've gone through our life together I've put on weight and definitely don't look as ' beautiful' as I did in those early days. Some days I didn't get time to shower when the kids were little and was a greasy mess. Not once has my dh made me feel unattractive EVER . He reminds me how beautiful I am to him pretty much daily.

We had a night out with a group of friends a few years ago and his friend commented to my dh that I scrubbed up well and was more attractive than he realised when I made an effort. My dh was not impressed at all with his friends comment and told him that I always looked good to my dh.
Your partner should make you feel good about yourself not bad.

I can't imagine how much he must damage your confidence and self-esteem Sad if he's like this now can you imagine how he will be if you have children and your body changes beyond recognition? Honestly op, I would leave him and I don't say that lightly. I believe most problems in relationships can't be worked through and sorted but this isn't something you can change about him. If you were my dd I would be so sad for you to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't find you the most beautiful woman in the world. Please find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated before he does so much damage you feel like you are as unattractive as he tells you you are.

HollowTalk · 22/08/2018 10:58

I'd definitely dump him but I'd tell him that I really didn't fancy him any more - I'd say that I'd tried and tried, but he just didn't do it for me and I didn't think he ever had.

I'd end with "and the way you... no, I'd better not say, I don't think anyone else has noticed..."

Leavemenowornever · 22/08/2018 11:28

If it really had been a beautiful and romantic weekend you wouldn’t be posting here. Please leave him,OP, you deserve better than this. Oh, and forward the FB conversation to his friend’s girlfriend.

BrewsD · 22/08/2018 12:04

I'm so sorry you're going through this @Lolosoap2
I had a similar problem with my partner last year. Saw unbelievably vulgar messages between him and his best friend regarding girls at his local gym, previous friends he still followed on social media and just random celebrities. The messages spanned over months regarding many different women, it wasn't one occurrence.
I was absolutely devastated that he could even say vulgar, dewomanising things like that about other women he barely/didn't know but when I made an effort he couldn't even say my hair looked nice. I was never ugly, but I certainly didn't look like the girls he seemed so besotted by. I became extremely body conscious, I couldn't even walk into my local gym without worrying that the girls he fantasised over were in there and I would be embarrassing myself by working out next to them.
We had a flaming row, with me in uncontrollable tears and all he kept saying was how sorry he was.
I was friendly with his best friends girlfriend, I showed her their messages in the hope of supporting one another, but that fell flat and we haven't spoken since. I felt completely alone and worthless.
I hope you don't feel how I did, it's a very lonely and confusing place. We are still together but our relationship hasn't been the same.

sallievp · 22/08/2018 12:08

He sounds absolutely disgusting...you sound lovely and deserve soooo much better ..get out while you can!

DeltaG · 22/08/2018 12:22

OP, il est un gros connard ! Il a une bite énorme ? Sinon, il peut fermer la gueule !!

Who the fuck does he think he is? Telling you, you were the ugliest girl. Utter twat.

When I was about 22 (am now mid-30s), I had a boyfriend who said it was a shame my foof didn't look like Asia Carrera's (porn star). I dumped him on the spot and he was gobsmacked. Fucking wanker.

I suggest you do the same. Good luck.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 22/08/2018 16:27

I had to run 'connard' through Google Translate. So glad I did.

I swear to God that I don't understand men. What kind of shit-for-brains thinks that women get turned on by being told they're ugly? Do they not want their girlfriends keen? Are they scared of aroused women?

Chocolate123 · 22/08/2018 16:43

I'd tell him that you've decided to find better as he's in the bottom 1% of men or should I say boys. My friend was married to a guy like this and she spent 20 years defending his actions then he left her for a younger model. Get rid op you deserve better

Shambu · 22/08/2018 16:50

Que tes oreilles deviennent trous de cul et chient sur tes épaules!

Shambu · 22/08/2018 16:54

(may your ears turn to arseholes and shit on your shoulders)

Verbena87 · 22/08/2018 17:52

Unless both of you feel really lucky, why bother?

I suggest he knows full well that you’re gorgeous but feels more secure if he thinks you have no confidence. Which suggests he isn’t worth your time. My husband wouldn’t ever comment on my eating or exercise. My body is his privilege, not his property.

Tryingagain1 · 22/08/2018 18:32

No it's not normal for a man to speak about you in this way. I would find someone better.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 22/08/2018 18:41

In no universe should a 24 year old woman think that she has no option but to put up with a hateful, misogynistic shit-for-brains. OP, you are gorgeous, if for no other reason than the fact that you are 24. Your life is only just beginning and there are gorgeous men everywhere you look. Ffs dump this prick and find yourself an actual man, with testosterone and a desire to make women enjoy sex and their bodies. They're plentiful at this point, don't settle for the dregs.

SplishSplashSplosh · 22/08/2018 18:46

I've had two children who are still young and my body is no where near like it used to be. I'm flabbier and bigger and some days I feel frumpy even though I do try and make an effort.

At one point after my youngest was born I was 3 stone heavier and not once did my husband make me feel anything less than beautiful in his eyes. I have always been a yo-up dieter and he compliments me when I lose weight and flatters me when I'm heavier.

Don't let him grind away at your confidence.

BackInTheRoom · 22/08/2018 18:52

But we have just had such a great weekend and I love him so very much.

Yes you might have had such a great weekend but he appears to have been a bit disappointed?

BackInTheRoom · 22/08/2018 18:55

I am just not sure if I can change him

I'm in my 50's and I haven't managed to change anyone yet, just my own expectations tbh.

do you know some guy changing when they grow older and become more mature?

No, I have found them to get worse, less tolerant and cranky.

NadiaLeon · 22/08/2018 19:14

Both sexes talk to others about their partner's weight and appearance, as per the link below. People who think their partners never talk to others about them are somewhat delusional. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3341374-Overweight-partner

We can be a fickle and superficial species...

Verbena87 · 22/08/2018 19:49

nadia yeah but he’s also told her she’s the least attractive person in a group, and comments on what she eats. All of it together is bad news.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 22/08/2018 19:53

Christ, there is a huge difference between seeking some advice because you're worried about your partner's health and your waning desire following serious weight gain, and telling your mates that your partner is in the 'bottom 2%' of tits and ass. Do some people seriously need that explained to them?

The former is based on care and love and a wish to desire their partner. The latter is based on degrading and objectifying the partner and every other member of their sex, and generally being a 'connard'.

Merde!

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 22/08/2018 19:57

Op, the problem is that it’s very hard to forget the hurtful things one might read about oneself. I once read an exes’ email to a friend that basically said the only way he’d marry me was if the ceremony was in his own grave as it would happen over his dead body. Still hurts after all these years.
Have some respect for yourself. LTB.

fourquenelles · 22/08/2018 20:02

Where's your pride?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 22/08/2018 20:04

I once read an exes’ email to a friend that basically said the only way he’d marry me was if the ceremony was in his own grave as it would happen over his dead body. Still hurts after all these years.

Dang, what an arsehole.

But imagine how much more it would hurt if you'd actually, inexplicably, for some bizarre reason, actually STUCK AROUND with the connard after that.

CandidaAlbicans · 22/08/2018 21:06

OP, I'm middle aged but I still think of the hurtful things a BF said about my appearance 25 years ago, yet I had no problems getting dates! He would say something nasty then if I complained he'd say "it's just a joke!". He chipped away at my self esteem then dumped me. Another BF made refererence to me eating chocolate and another time, whilst naked, asked if my arse was getting fatter. I was an athletic, fit, size 8 FFS, yet he was about 2 stone too fat.

I'm only just developing a more laid back attitude to my imperfections and I now have a zero tolerance rule where I will not put up with negative comments about my appearance, with the exception of telling me I have food in my teeth or a booger. A single negative comment is strike 1 to me. It's a very bad sign when a man thinks he can put you down and I only hope the relationship ends before he totally wrecks your self esteem.

DelphiniumBlue · 22/08/2018 21:19

He's horrible and it's not normal to talk about your girlfriend like that.
None of the men I know would say things like that, in fact they all comment on how lucky they are, and think their partners are beautiful. These are ordinary guys, who are by no means perfect, with partners who are not all young slim and perfectly groomed.
The discussions you refer to are really disrespectful. I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks like that.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 22/08/2018 21:32

He'll also be shit in bed. The very worst thing you can do for a woman's pleasure is make her feel ugly (I can't believe there are men who don't realise this....or do they? Are they scared of an aroused woman because they don't know what to do?).

You're 24. Please, I beg of you, don't stay with a sexist misogynist who makes you feel ugly and is a shitty lover.