Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confidence level down after comments on body

161 replies

Lolosoap2 · 21/08/2018 22:57

Hi all,

Really needs advice on BF behaviour

So, my BF and I are 25 and 24 years old, and we have been together for 4 years. This weekend we went to Monaco to celebrate our 4th year anniversary. Everything went really well, and I really felt like we had shared a beautiful and romantic moment together. We came back last night, he tells me how much he was happy to be with me etc etc

Today I saw a message he received from one of his best friend (who is currently in Italy on the beach with his GF) saying: "I realized I have reached the bottom 2.5% in terms of ass and boobs with my GF as I look at other girls on the beach " (this is translated from French, the actual language employed was very rude and vulgar, just did not know how to translate it. My BF responded, "Yeah, please don't remind me that I am part of the bottom 2.5% too. Girls were just so hot in the south of France. and then he adds a smiley crying" - This is not the first time this type of comments are arising, we went on vacation with 12 other friends in July and he told me I was the least good looking of the girls in the house we were renting. Sometimes he makes comments at dinner in front of everyone: "Oh think a bit about your ass stop eating all that"

I am not sure if that matters, but I actually felt really great about my body before. AT University I was elected Queen of the Business ball and I was always complimented on my look, my hair, my body...I believe I still look great, but I am really losing my confidence when I see this kind of messages or hear his comments
I don't know how to react, Is it normal for him to expect that I hit the gym everyday to look more like his standard (going to the gym is healthy after all)? Should I talk to his friend? should I talk to the other girl being body shamed? Should I just keep it to myself? Technically I found out about the message while spying on his FB profile... so not great on my side

Most importantly, I am very worried about the future. If he makes this kind of comments now that I am young, what will he do when I get older, become pregnant or gain weight? Anyone with experiences on this matter?
Should I stop speaking to him? I just don't know how to react
This should not affect me that much, I don't want to be superficial, but it really makes me sad especially when I thought we 've had actually spend a very nice weekend in the south of France..

OP posts:
haverhill · 21/08/2018 23:30

God, that’s really disrespectful and hurtful. OP, you need to move on. This man doesn’t love you, at least not in the way you deserve. I would divorce DH if he did this, no joke.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 21/08/2018 23:31

I am just not sure if I can change him

Of course you can't. When will women realise that they can't change a man, especially not by marrying him?

You are young and I am certain that you are gorgeous. At the very least you deserve someone who finds you gorgeous. Dump this hateful misogynistic prick. It's not going to get easier as you get older and you're only 24 ,ffs. Even a 90 year old shouldn't have to put up with a foul, hateful dickhead for a partner.

Imagine being with someone who found you as gorgeous as I am sure you are...

bubbles108 · 21/08/2018 23:34

Loving a man who chooses to put you down and criticise you? ??

You need to think about WHY you'd choose to love someone like that

I'd run away very very fast

The man's a tosser

LoisWilkerson1 · 21/08/2018 23:35

Oh come on now. Read back what you have posted. If a friend told you her bf spoke like this what would you tell her to do? Imagine being with someone who thinks you are amazing and ltb

Isitovernow · 21/08/2018 23:35

He sounds sexist. His friends sound sexist. I was in my 20s when I got with my husband and he used to tell his friends how I was better looking than famous women they were ogling and he would constantly tell me how beautiful I was. My husband isn't a particularly gushy guy either ...

I'm pretty shocked by that 'bottom 2.5%' talk. How degrading and hurtful. Is he this amazingly perfectly gorgeous man?

people can change with age but that comment that you were the least good looking is downright abusive. It sounds like you're hellbent on sticking with him but I feel if you stay with him, based on what you've written, that this relationship will affect your self esteem and self-confidence and will one day make you very unhappy indeed. Sad

wotsittoyou · 22/08/2018 00:04

It's not normal, no, and I can only see it getting worse. Even if he never criticises you again, this will remain in the back of your mind eroding your confidence and security. How will you feel secure with this man when you are pregnant? After the birth? If you get sick? When you get old? Gain weight? When you crave emotional safety the most, his shitty words will play back, kicking you while you're down. You'll always wonder whether he thinks you're good enough, whether he's going to trade you in, whether you're going to be left alone. He's making you feel like shit now - that feeling of unrest and unworthiness will be amplified over time and blight your life for as long as you stay with him. You won't get any peace.

Get rid.

TemptressofWaikiki · 22/08/2018 00:18

Mmmmh, how about letting him see a message to a friend of yours how he is in the bottom 1% with regards to dick size. Like you seen bigger on a hamster... After all, he seems to think body shaming is fair game. But then again, I would not bother with games and take that booty of yours and wiggle on away! His comments to me represent a massive red flag and are actually very abusive.

LellyMcKelly · 22/08/2018 00:19

Dump his sorry ass. If he doesn’t appreciate his hot girlfriend there are plenty of great men who will adore you. Trust me on this. You do not have to put up with crap from anyone, least of all someone who thinks it’s ok to belittle you to his equally rubbish mates.

LiveatCityHall · 22/08/2018 00:25

You deserve so much better. No man should put you down for how you look. Its definitely not normal behaviour. My DH is full of compliments for me and makes me feel like a queen. The most telling thing for me is that my 4yo DS has picked up on this and is always complimenting people on how they look or what they're wearing.

enoughisenough2 · 22/08/2018 00:31

LTB

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 22/08/2018 06:16

No, you can’t change him and should not even try. Tell him he’s in the bottom 1% for penis size and dump his sorry arse. This is not normal and it is not acceptable, so be done with him and find a decent man, not a twatty superficial little boy.

category12 · 22/08/2018 06:30

You might love him, but love isn't enough. Love is utter rubbish and worthless when it encourages you to put up with treatment that damages your self esteem. A relationship should lift you and make you feel good, not not good enough.

If you want to stay with him, tackle him directly about this denigrating language and behaviour he uses against you. Set a boundary about him putting you down (and laughing off putting you down as if it doesn't matter or is supposedly a "joke"). Be prepared to challenge him on his shit and prepared to leave. If you allow him to treat you with feigned contempt, it will turn into actual contempt.

Blondebakingmumma · 22/08/2018 06:31

No his behaviour is not normal. If I’m a little overweight and get upset my hubby tries to convince me how beautiful I look. He told how beautiful I am while pregnant and post baby while still carrying baby weight.
You deserve better 🌺

BatteredBitties · 22/08/2018 06:40

So basically he's saying you're not even a 1/10? Not that I rate people but that is fucking harsh and no way should you be putting up with that shit. There are plenty of decent men out there who would never dream of saying anything like that. So disrespectful. He's a prick and you can so so much better.

NadiaLeon · 22/08/2018 06:52

He may have been having banter with his friend. A prickish thing to do, but it really wasn't meant for your consumption and if he is with you, then he wants to be with you. If he is good in other ways, give him a second chance. If he treats you like dirt, then dump his sorry ass

annandale · 22/08/2018 06:52

It does sound more like his friend is a complete arse, who he just goes along with.

That's almost worse. Basically he prioritises sucking up to his friend over being in any way loyal to you. He sounds weak as well as sexist. Im willing to bet he will be horrified at having to face the inevitable consequences of his own crappy behaviour. Please don't let this child ruin your 20s and your confidence.

MinorRSole · 22/08/2018 07:01

If a man described me as the bottom 2.5% I would not be sleeping with him! Come on, really! He sounds like a real catch Hmm

Shoxfordian · 22/08/2018 07:12

He's not going to change
Don't waste any more of your precious time with someone who doesn't love you exactly as you are.

Spaghettijumper · 22/08/2018 07:16

Is he from France? As a teen I remember being absolutely gobsmacked at how much women in France were commented on and insulted by everyone around them - there seemed to be an implicit assumption that women had to maintain a certain standard and should be told if they didn't. I found it really horrible.

That's not excusing your shithead boyfriend in any way - culturally he may have been brought up to believe he has a 'right' to expect a standard from women and you may have been brought up that way too?

It's nonsense. I'm significantly older than you and have had 2 babies, with all the effects that entails. My husband has only ever said how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. Because he loves me and doesn't consider me to be a doll designed to make him look good.

You don't deserve this disrespect.

ScreamingValenta · 22/08/2018 07:17

What an idiot.

I wonder where he thinks he sits on their imaginary scale of being 'hot'?

Get rid, and find a grown-up to be your boyfriend.

NadiaLeon · 22/08/2018 07:23

@Spaghetti

You don't know what your OH says about you to his friends though. People can be two faced, so speak rubbish to fit in

Nothisispatrick · 22/08/2018 07:24

He sounds like a pig.

NataliaOsipova · 22/08/2018 07:26

do you know some guy changing when they grow older and become more mature?

Generally - at least in my experience- they grow into more confident versions of themselves. (Sometimes caricatures!)

On the one hand, it sounds like laddish banter and he may be shocked and upset to know you've read it. But it is the equivalent, as PPs have said, of discussing with your mates what a small penis he has - and he'd be mortified.

At best it's unkind and fucking disrespectful. I'd struggle to get past it. At your age, I'd cut my losses and run a mile.

37KAT · 22/08/2018 07:37

His behaviour is appalling OP. I expect that it is banter with his mates however it is not acceptable to discuss you in this derogatory & disrespectful way with his mates and it is even worse that he makes comments about you in front of you. He probably will mature but how and into what? I don't think blokes suddenly have a personality change.

I have a teenage Daughter who is so unnecessarily body conscious, she is beautiful inside & out.
I dread her getting into a relationship with some one like the BF you have described.
Not all men are like your BF.

Nevermindhey · 22/08/2018 07:38

He may have been joining in with his friend (being generous.) However he also told op she was the least good looking out of a group of friends.

Swipe left for the next trending thread