Confidence level down after comments on body

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Hi all,

Really needs advice on BF behaviour

So, my BF and I are 25 and 24 years old, and we have been together for 4 years. This weekend we went to Monaco to celebrate our 4th year anniversary. Everything went really well, and I really felt like we had shared a beautiful and romantic moment together. We came back last night, he tells me how much he was happy to be with me etc etc

Today I saw a message he received from one of his best friend (who is currently in Italy on the beach with his GF) saying: "I realized I have reached the bottom 2.5% in terms of ass and boobs with my GF as I look at other girls on the beach " (this is translated from French, the actual language employed was very rude and vulgar, just did not know how to translate it. My BF responded, "Yeah, please don't remind me that I am part of the bottom 2.5% too. Girls were just so hot in the south of France. and then he adds a smiley crying" - This is not the first time this type of comments are arising, we went on vacation with 12 other friends in July and he told me I was the least good looking of the girls in the house we were renting. Sometimes he makes comments at dinner in front of everyone: "Oh think a bit about your ass stop eating all that"

I am not sure if that matters, but I actually felt really great about my body before. AT University I was elected Queen of the Business ball and I was always complimented on my look, my hair, my body...I believe I still look great, but I am really losing my confidence when I see this kind of messages or hear his comments
I don't know how to react, Is it normal for him to expect that I hit the gym everyday to look more like his standard (going to the gym is healthy after all)? Should I talk to his friend? should I talk to the other girl being body shamed? Should I just keep it to myself? Technically I found out about the message while spying on his FB profile... so not great on my side

Most importantly, I am very worried about the future. If he makes this kind of comments now that I am young, what will he do when I get older, become pregnant or gain weight? Anyone with experiences on this matter?
Should I stop speaking to him? I just don't know how to react
This should not affect me that much, I don't want to be superficial, but it really makes me sad especially when I thought we 've had actually spend a very nice weekend in the south of France..

He sounds immature for his age. I might expect this from an 18 year old but not from someone in their mid twenties. He did sound like he was responding to his friend’s ‘banter’ but it’s not amusing in the slightest and completely belittles you.

I would be heavily questioning your relationship right now if I were you.

You cannit change people.
People are what they are.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE. And it is naive and arrogant to think you can.

Plesae please please please take some advice from someone who has been on the planet for 53 years and in that time has met/been involved many men.

This man does not love you, if he did he would not say anything like this to a 'friend' full stop. Please do not waste the best years of your life on this man, however much you 'love him'.

I know you say you love him but real proper grown up love means that you look at the person you love and you think how much you generally respect and admire them more than 50% of the time (at a minimum).

Yes they may drive you mad or have some very irritating faults but overall when you see the whole person you should think that they generall mean well, that they have your best interests at heart and that they respect and asmire you at least 50% of the time (and that is quite a low bar really)

If you are completely honest with yourself, do you admire and rspect this man as well as 'love him', does he admire and respect you?
I think the answer to both of these questions sounds like no to me.
Please find someone who fits this criteria to spend your life with. It is really really important that understand this early in life. Too many women waste their time in relationships where these two fundamental concepts are missing

Jesus OP, your standards for yourself are low.

It's fucking depressing.

And its clearly not the first time you've asked MN about his prickishness. And you did nothing. So you'll do nothing now too. Stop being a martyr to this asshole and get a better life for yourself.

OP, you posted several times about your BF's unreasonable and abusive behaviour, which obviously makes you very unhappy.

He is an abusive twat who will never change.

Please have some good therapy and leave him. Perhaps you grew up in a family where you were undervalued but you deserve far more.

You are still young so plenty of time to start again!

You are so young.
You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you stay with this abusive, misogynistic asshole!
Your boundaries are all wrong and you are ignoring huge red flags flying.

You need to end this now.
He is not good for you, your image, your self-esteem or your mental health.
How you can love such a low-life, disrespectful scumbag is beyond all of us on here.
You don't love him. You love the idea of what it SHOULD be like.

Get out there and live your life.
Away from people who want to tear you down and make you feel shit about yourself.
In front of others too.... Arrrgghhhh...

I realise you are young and probably don't realise what is happening.
But this is NOT good.
If you are in the UK. please call Womens Aid and have a chat with them.
This guy has all the hallmarks of a full on abusive nightmare.
It's like watching a car crash in slow motion.
Get out now before he completely destroys you.

He doesn’t love you. He thinks you’re the “bottom 2.5%” and you will do until he finds somebody (in his mind) better. You’re a placeholder in his life.

Please finish this now.

OP - if you are happy to be the good-enough-to-be-a-future-mother-of-his-children whole he plays around with other 90%+ women - then go ahead and stay....

In a few years time, you’ll be back here posting messages about your suspicions about him cheating, while you are home with a baby, or a few kids...

He already doesn’t think you are that attractive at 24. It will only get worse with age and kids, and until he decides to act on it.

My DP will occasionally poke fun at me if I'm wearing my PJs pulled up like an old man or when my bum jiggles (but he definitely likes that) other than that he calls me beautiful - says my body is incredible (it's not) and genuinely seems to think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.
It's normal to have concerns if your partners health is being affected either by obesity or excessive exercise etc but I don't know any of my male friends who would mock their girlfriends body to their friends - why wouldn't they want to be proud of you?

Your boyfriend is being very disrespectful and strange

He will call it banter. He thinks he is entitled to your body as though it is his right not your choice.

IfyouseeRita, I agree with you about the cultural difference but I've been living in France for 20 years and not one of the French men I've been involved with has uttered a single detrimental syllable about my appearance and I think I'm not in the same league as OP!

There is a whole part of France I know nothing about; the south, Nice etc. My French cousin was telling me last week how the young down there are VERY body conscience and way too much into appearances. Maybe that's where the OP's sorry for an excuse of a boyfriend comes from? No excuse, obviously!

You have hot the bottom 2. 5 as well. Take my advice and dump him. Dating men over 30 is also a good idea, that seems to be roughly the age that must men get a clue.

I can't even begin to comprehend just how nasty the comment of 'in the bottom 2.5%' actually is
Can you change him? Fuck knows, most likely not but why the hell would you want to try?
I don't give a fuck if he's some Adonis, no-one has the right to try to put you down in such a vile manner. Give your fucking head a wobble & tell him to fuck off, you must see you deserve better.

He’s young and an idiot.
Don’t let his comments stop
You feeling great about your body.
I also think you should dump him but you probably won’t.
I think he’s too young to settle down if that’s what you’re really asking.

I put on about 35lbs plus when I was pregnant. Had a huge baby, stomach stretched out and saggy. Terrible stretch marks. Still carrying too much weight now. I hate looking at my body, but I'm working on it.

But my husband's eyes light up when I get undressed. He grabs my ass everyday and still thinks I'm the sexiest thing on the planet. He can't be so blind as to think my body is actually as attractive as it used to be - it's just not. But he loves me and the fact that I made our son, and would never dream of making any negative comment, or make me feel anything less than gorgeous.

That's how a man should make you feel. You need to leave before he's grinds you down.

You can’t change him.
But you can exchange him.
LTB tout de suite.
And get someone who isn’t an immature misogynist arsehole.

PLEASE GET RID

Immature, disrespectful, nasty. Not the behaviour of a man with respect for himself or his partner.

In my entire 4+ years I have never been with a man that would dare speak this way about me, or about other women in my presence. You don’t have to put up with this. He is not ‘lovely’. You can’t have been having a ‘lovely time’ if he was ogling other women and insulting you behind your back to his friend.

Definitely LTB.

40+

Buy Op wont LTB, typical coming up with excuses for him.

Oh, op.

This has made me feel so sad for you.

Get rid of that horrible little man, who doesn't deserve you (or anyone else). This will only get worse.

Do what you want to do OP. The consensus here is to leave him, but some of us will support you in whatever you decide.
If you're human, you will sometimes make poor decisions, and real friends support you no matter what. Ignore the judgemental crowd telling you what to do. Make your own mind up.

If not ready to leave him now, I think you could say ‘I’m finding the whole locker room talk that you do with your mates and the negging you do to me very irritating and immature. You either think I’m attractive, which I am, or you should go look for another relationship. If it continues, I’m out of here.’

Focus your mind on what you want and need to do - tonight, do I want to go to the gym because I enjoy it? Do I need to go because its good to be active? Do I want to study/gain promotion/go out and meet more people/read my book/wear my pjs and watch a film. Don’t let your life revolve around another.

My dh was certainly unusually sensitive (he took his own life this year) but if hed thought id been having a laugh about his penis with friends it would have made things much worse not better, and i would see that as quite normal. My dss school has banned even the word 'banter' as its so often used as cover for bullying.

What a sorry excuse for a man. He told you that you're the least good looking woman in the house? To what purpose did he do that other than to hurt and put you down. He tells you when to stop eating? Texts his friend you're in the bottom 2.5 percent?

And you want to stay with this tosser? Why? Dump him and find a real man who doesn't put women down for the fun of it.