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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confidence level down after comments on body

161 replies

Lolosoap2 · 21/08/2018 22:57

Hi all,

Really needs advice on BF behaviour

So, my BF and I are 25 and 24 years old, and we have been together for 4 years. This weekend we went to Monaco to celebrate our 4th year anniversary. Everything went really well, and I really felt like we had shared a beautiful and romantic moment together. We came back last night, he tells me how much he was happy to be with me etc etc

Today I saw a message he received from one of his best friend (who is currently in Italy on the beach with his GF) saying: "I realized I have reached the bottom 2.5% in terms of ass and boobs with my GF as I look at other girls on the beach " (this is translated from French, the actual language employed was very rude and vulgar, just did not know how to translate it. My BF responded, "Yeah, please don't remind me that I am part of the bottom 2.5% too. Girls were just so hot in the south of France. and then he adds a smiley crying" - This is not the first time this type of comments are arising, we went on vacation with 12 other friends in July and he told me I was the least good looking of the girls in the house we were renting. Sometimes he makes comments at dinner in front of everyone: "Oh think a bit about your ass stop eating all that"

I am not sure if that matters, but I actually felt really great about my body before. AT University I was elected Queen of the Business ball and I was always complimented on my look, my hair, my body...I believe I still look great, but I am really losing my confidence when I see this kind of messages or hear his comments
I don't know how to react, Is it normal for him to expect that I hit the gym everyday to look more like his standard (going to the gym is healthy after all)? Should I talk to his friend? should I talk to the other girl being body shamed? Should I just keep it to myself? Technically I found out about the message while spying on his FB profile... so not great on my side

Most importantly, I am very worried about the future. If he makes this kind of comments now that I am young, what will he do when I get older, become pregnant or gain weight? Anyone with experiences on this matter?
Should I stop speaking to him? I just don't know how to react
This should not affect me that much, I don't want to be superficial, but it really makes me sad especially when I thought we 've had actually spend a very nice weekend in the south of France..

OP posts:
bethy15 · 22/08/2018 07:38

He's trying to shame you into not eating when you are out in a restaurant and in front of other people too.

Not that it matters, but you say you look good and are in good shape.

Do you not see the issues here and how he's putting you down and trying to control you? All the niceness, the lovely weekend is fake, because he doesn't feel like that and you've seen the messages to prove it. While you were enjoying yourself he was thinking of putting you down.

safetyfreak · 22/08/2018 07:41

This does not sound like just banter, OP has said he makes other rude comments such as "Your the least attractive women in this house share"

He also makes comments about how much food she eats. OP has also said his friend is an ass to his girlfriend too.

OP boyfriend and friends are entitled sexist pigs.

Dont worry OP, you got another 5 years before your partner may have to trade you in.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 22/08/2018 07:55

I do think there is a cultural element in that, as a PP said, French women’s beauty standards seems to be very high and very much public property.

I went out with a French guy and he was appalling, laughing if I put on a bit of weight, commenting on what I ate. It ruined my confidence. Nobody needs that toxicity in their lives.

I know you love him but he doesn’t deserve your love. Give it go someone who does.

And I like the four-way Whatsapp group with screenshots with a comment about one of their weak spots, them being in the bottom 2.5% for performance in bed, intelligence etc.

Please don’t stay with him. You’re young and have so much out there.

Bodabing · 22/08/2018 08:02

Imagine having an amazing weekend away with someone you love, coming home and still feeling loved and warm. That's what you deserve, to feel special all the time, not just an odd weekend.

He will not get better, he will get worse in fact as he gets away with it, and you'll get older and feel more insecure. Etc. Leave now,

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 22/08/2018 08:05

That's such a cruel comment. I think I'd finish with someone if they said this about me.

What an arsehole.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/08/2018 08:09

Why are you and he together at all?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Ok so you love him but he clearly does not love you and you are not being treated at all decently here. Give your love to someone who is actually worthy of it, its not this person. He needs to be given the boot and your relationship bar needs urgent raising here.

ShatnersWig · 22/08/2018 08:10

Oh come on @Lolosoap2

Nine months ago you were here for your first ever posting on MN and it was a long stream of stuff. Almost every response on the long thread was that this man was a total wanker, fucking prick, that there are red flags all over the place and almost everyone said you should certainly not marry him (which was your main question) and you should leave him.

Now you're back seemingly needing more advice on more or less exactly the same issues (without the getting married bit) and getting exactly the same advice.

How about you listen to everyone this time and stop fucking about and actually get shot of this arsehole and start having a normal life? You're 24 for fuck's sake and have been putting up with this already for four years.

Beautiful and romantic, my arse.

Not that I think you probably want any advice or you'll engage with any of us, just like last time. You only ever posted twice before - the other time was whether he should pay more rent nine months ago too.

Greenglassteacup · 22/08/2018 08:14

He is an absolute pig OP

Ooforfoxsakeridesagain · 22/08/2018 08:16

He’s looking at other women, and comparing you to them. In his eyes, you aren’t as good.

He’s quite open in judging you, and speaking about you disrespectfully to his friends.

You are young OP. His poor treatment of you will destroy your confidence and take away the best years. Don’t get to 44 and be fuelled with resentment and self-loathing because you didn’t walk away.

Why be with someone who isn’t kind to you all the time?

Beaverhausen · 22/08/2018 08:19

OMG are you serious OP, I am not going to sugar coat it for you sorry. Get some self respect and leave this narcissistic little twat before he breaks down your confidence any more.

QueenOfMyWorld · 22/08/2018 08:29

Tell him he's in the 2.5% of dicks then dump him

NadiaLeon · 22/08/2018 08:38

Or just ignore it and put it down to him being a dick with his mate...
If you and your friend were chatting over a glass of wine and she joked that her partner had a small John Thomas, and you said 'mine too', would you expect your relationship to break over that? Or would you just hope that your bf would brush it off and not take everything seriously or literally?
People should stop being so hugely sensitive to stuff..it won't matter in a hundred years.

ShatnersWig · 22/08/2018 08:39

@NadiaLeon Go and read her thread from nine months ago, then come back and give the same advice. Regardless of not seeing the other thread, what you'eve said is moronic.

OrgyOfBarminess · 22/08/2018 08:43

I'd love to know what he looks like so we could all rate him OP. Maybe you could send that to his group chat.

I'm doubtful you'll listen because if you think you can change him and love him so much but please fuck him off with a high five to the face please!

annandale · 22/08/2018 08:45

If i had said to a friend that dh had a eally small penis and that looking at othr men in speedos made me want to cry, and dh had found out about it, he would have been completely crushed and furious, because he was really sensitive about his penis size. I have never said anything like that because i thought his penis was absolutely fine and i loved him and it. He once said to me that my vagina was so loose he didnt feel much. He apologised and said he didnt mean it but it will probably affect my sex life for the rest of my life as i have never been able to forget it. This stuff matters. It wont matter in 100 years as we will all be dead but it matters now, and if you're with a dick at 25 when you have no big ties like kids, now is the time to walk away.

actualpuffins · 22/08/2018 08:47

Dump him! Such a twat.

NadiaLeon · 22/08/2018 08:49

Is there a way to search for threads started by a user? I will take a read if so.

So if you and your friend were chatting over a glass of wine and she joked that her partner had a small John Thomas, and you said 'mine too', would you expect your pattner to end the relationship over that? I would say THAT is ridiculous.

NadiaLeon · 22/08/2018 08:51

@Annandale - if you partner knew you were having a laugh with someone, would he still be destroyed by that?

velourvoyageur · 22/08/2018 09:02

I 100% recognise this way of speaking as the part of French (Paris) culture which is hugely critical of women's looks - I hate the feeling entitled to being surrounded by beautiful entertaining people (when they themselves are paddling desperately below the surface from insecurity), and the directness. I grew up with this shit, family members constantly passing comment on girls' and women's bodies, picking them apart etc. Even things you have no control over! I heard when I was a teen and 5"7, 'ah VV, she's a good height, mais ça suffit, she really has to stop growing now'. My mum is lovely in most ways but unthinkingly fattist, she would be sincerely very worried for me if I ever put on even a bit of weight.
He's not worth it OP, but he won't get it, he's too entrenched in this way of thinking. Sorry. I bet you look fab.

ShatnersWig · 22/08/2018 09:03

So if you and your friend were chatting over a glass of wine and she joked that her partner had a small John Thomas, and you said 'mine too', would you expect your pattner to end the relationship over that? I would say THAT is ridiculous.

@NadiaLeon No, I don't think it is ridiculous. That is belittling your partner to a third person. I've never done that and never would, and yes, if I discovered my partner belittled me to someone, yes, I would end the relationship. I deserve better.

pickingdaisies · 22/08/2018 09:04

People who think it's just banter are ignoring the way he tries to control what she eats, how often she goes to the gym, tells her to her face she's the least attractive in the group, and all this while there is nothing stopping from leaving. How will this escalate once they have financial this, have children? Will there be a thread because he expects her to do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, look after the kids, and still look amazing? And will he be sat on his arse complaining and belittling her? Hmm.

Pompom42 · 22/08/2018 09:07

You might love him and you might have had a great weekend. BUT to me I feel like if someone else gave him a bit of attention he'd just drop you. Just like that. I couldn't be with someone that thought I was in bottom 2.5%

Paddley · 22/08/2018 09:07

Shatner, always on the ball.

This man is vile OP. He absolutely would not be with someone who wasn't gorgeous, his ego wouldn't allow it. My niece is married to a Frenchman, he's delightful, so I think this isn't a cultural thing at all, it's a pathetic arsehole thing.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/08/2018 09:10

Jesus Christ OP, have some self respect! “But I love him” ?!? Well then if you’re happy to be treated like shit what are you posting for?

He’s a disgusting critical sexist wanker, he thinks nothing of you, he does not value you for you.

But you love him, right? Well carry on then Hmm

ShatnersWig · 22/08/2018 09:11

@Paddley I wouldn't say always.... Wink

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